My Ex-Wife had Borderline Personality Disorder. I have questions...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am struggling with issues regarding my ex-wife who was diagnosed as having BPD. She was also under 3 to 5 different mood stabilizers and anti-depressants which very much complicated life for her and for us.

I asked for a divorce last summer after being emotionally and verbally abused, and withheld from intimacy for a good majority of our 3 year marriage. I gave this woman everything and rarely said “no”. When she sobbed on the bathroom floor, I would pick her up and hold her until the crying stopped. I would then be insulted in some way a few hours later.

I loved her intensely, but she insulted family members, her friends, my hobbies/passions, and anything that didn't involve praising her. She was also extremely jealous of others, and would lay on the couch all weekend if someone had a baby, bought a new house, or went on a elaborate vacation.

One day, I had just had enough and decided to it was time to end it. She had seen multiple counselors on her own while we were married to sort out her own issues, and we saw two different marriage counselors together. We honestly tried to save it. We were also both faithful to each other, no cheating occurred.

We had no children, which she desperately wanted despite the fact that we maybe had sex ten to fifteen times during our entire three year marriage. It was this distorted way of thinking that I really struggled with.

Based on what I'm reading on this forum, I'd agree that shaking an ex who has BPD is incredibly difficult to do. She, like many others was BPD was very beautiful, intelligent, and sunk her claws into me so early on with admiration of me that it was impossible to leave her. Even to this day, I struggle with our separation and will go into relapses of wanting to desperately to be with her again, remembering those beautiful first two years before we actually got married. She has sunk into my very soul like nobody ever has. When a woman is beautiful, articulate, intelligent, and the sexual chemistry was there... .  it was an absolutely devastating combination for which a man finds nearly impossible to escape. It was hard to look at the big picture - but somehow I did.

I have remained strong and have had very little contact with her, but when I recently tried to get some closure from her (very big mistake) after we handled some tax issues, she used it as an opportunity to hurt me. Since I am no longer her husband, I'm not even classified as a person with feeling, therefore I am seen as completely useless to her, even though I tried to be cordial and nice to her and truly work things out.

Emails with basic questions about past financial documents are never answered, thus proving her complete phase out plan of me – the guy who would have taken a bullet for her.

A mere three months after our marriage was officially over, she has started seeing someone else (something she clearly did to rub in my face and inflict emotion pain when we talked face to face a week ago).  Meanwhile, I personally am not even ready to be in something committed.  Just trying to heal, rebuild myself, get tough, move out of town for a new job I think I'm close to getting.  (I've dated, but haven't kissed or had sex with any of these girls, it was just "dinner-movie-hug-goodbye" thing.)   

She is clearly beginning a new destructive pattern. She has not allowed herself to heal, which was apparent in our last meeting. I truly hope this guy doesn't have to suffer as much as I did.

The more I read about this disorder, the more it really fascinates me and educates me. I have read that people with BPD will sometimes come back into your life... .  I have heard this happens quite often when they are feeling defeated, rejected, and they realize how good you were to them.

So basically my questions are... .  

1.  Will my ex try to come back into my life even though I asked for the divorce?  Like I said, I tried to be an adult and get closure with her in person, but she was unbelievable cold and almost inhuman, and mean.  This has not been the case with other breakups I've been through.  Usually there is a long phase of talking things through out of mutual respect for one another.  My brother and his ex-girlfriend went through break up and they talked it out until they were OK.  I was hopeful for the same, but my ex-wife was just horrible to me.  I don't want her in my life, but I'm afraid of that "spell" they cast on you.

2.  What was the first meaningful relationship like post exBPD wife?  I'm hopeful for the future, but it's so tough right now... .   

Thoughts? Please share.

[expos]

I am struggling with issues regarding my ex-wife who was diagnosed as having BPD. She was also under 3 to 5 different mood stabilizers and anti-depressants which very much complicated life for her and for us.

I asked for a divorce last summer after being emotionally and verbally abused, and withheld from intimacy for a good majority of our 3 year marriage. I gave this woman everything and rarely said “no”. When she sobbed on the bathroom floor, I would pick her up and hold her until the crying stopped. I would then be insulted in some way a few hours later.

I loved her intensely, but she insulted family members, her friends, my hobbies/passions, and anything that didn't involve praising her. She was also extremely jealous of others, and would lay on the couch all weekend if someone had a baby, bought a new house, or went on a elaborate vacation.

One day, I had just had enough and decided to it was time to end it. She had seen multiple counselors on her own while we were married to sort out her own issues, and we saw two different marriage counselors together. We honestly tried to save it. We were also both faithful to each other, no cheating occurred.

We had no children, which she desperately wanted despite the fact that we maybe had sex ten to fifteen times during our entire three year marriage. It was this distorted way of thinking that I really struggled with.

Based on what I'm reading on this forum, I'd agree that shaking an ex who has BPD is incredibly difficult to do. She, like many others was BPD was very beautiful, intelligent, and sunk her claws into me so early on with admiration of me that it was impossible to leave her. Even to this day, I struggle with our separation and will go into relapses of wanting to desperately to be with her again, remembering those beautiful first two years before we actually got married. She has sunk into my very soul like nobody ever has. When a woman is beautiful, articulate, intelligent, and the sexual chemistry was there... .  it was an absolutely devastating combination for which a man finds nearly impossible to escape. It was hard to look at the big picture - but somehow I did.

I have remained strong and have had very little contact with her, but when I recently tried to get some closure from her (very big mistake) after we handled some tax issues, she used it as an opportunity to hurt me. Since I am no longer her husband, I'm not even classified as a person with feeling, therefore I am seen as completely useless to her, even though I tried to be cordial and nice to her and truly work things out.

Emails with basic questions about past financial documents are never answered, thus proving her complete phase out plan of me – the guy who would have taken a bullet for her.

A mere three months after our marriage was officially over, she has started seeing someone else (something she clearly did to rub in my face and inflict emotion pain when we talked face to face a week ago).  Meanwhile, I personally am not even ready to be in something committed.  Just trying to heal, rebuild myself, get tough, move out of town for a new job I think I'm close to getting.  (I've dated, but haven't kissed or had sex with any of these girls, it was just "dinner-movie-hug-goodbye" thing.)   

She is clearly beginning a new destructive pattern. She has not allowed herself to heal, which was apparent in our last meeting. I truly hope this guy doesn't have to suffer as much as I did.

The more I read about this disorder, the more it really fascinates me and educates me. I have read that people with BPD will sometimes come back into your life... .  I have heard this happens quite often when they are feeling defeated, rejected, and they realize how good you were to them.

So basically my questions are... .  

1.  Will my ex try to come back into my life even though I asked for the divorce?  Like I said, I tried to be an adult and get closure with her in person, but she was unbelievable cold and almost inhuman, and mean.  This has not been the case with other breakups I've been through.  Usually there is a long phase of talking things through out of mutual respect for one another.  My brother and his ex-girlfriend went through break up and they talked it out until they were OK.  I was hopeful for the same, but my ex-wife was just horrible to me.  I don't want her in my life, but I'm afraid of that "spell" they cast on you.

2.  What was the first meaningful relationship like post exBPD wife?  I'm hopeful for the future, but it's so tough right now... .   

Thoughts? Please share.

[mango_flower]

Firstly- 

You sound like you have your head screwed on.  It's so tough to admit to yourself that there is nothing more you could have done... .  sounds like you were the perfect husband.  I am so sorry you have to go through this.

Will she recycle you?  Who knows.  Seems that they definitely try to in some cases, others, like my ex, will never go back. 

The main thing is to be aware of the signs in order that if she does try, you can stay strong.

I have no idea about dating after BPD - so I'll let somebody else answer that for you! x

[expos]

Hey, thanks for your reply.  It's been a tough past week.  I actually have done well in the 6 months after we had separated, but some reason I just got into this TERRIBLE depression just recently.  Almost out of nowhere.  Just awful.  I could not explain why my ex started invading my thoughts.  Maybe just some surpressed stuff I'm hoping.

Why is that these people have no sympathy for others?  It just astounds me.

[expos]

continuing... .  I told her that if she ever wanted to talk it out I'd always be there for her.  As I packed up my belongings and left our house for the last time in tears, I sent her a text message in our driveway that said "I'll Love You, Always".   

Meanwhile, as I struggled and asked for closure, she can only inflict pain.  She's said she's not going to tell me where she lives, and says she wants no further contact with me, yet tells me that she's seeing someone now and moved on.  Just unbelievable treatment coming from someone who poured my heart out to.

I have to remember that was married to someone that had a serious mental illness, but you can't escape their reality of their actions.

Was your ex ever sympathetic in the breakup or did he just leave in cold silence?