my eventful evening. I screwed up

[sadeyes]

So... .  Dh has been "grumpy" for the past few days. I've been asking him about 1x per day if everything is ok with him, and when he either replies or snarled that nothing was wrong I went on with my business. I basically ignored him. Not ignored in a mean kind of way, but just limited kind interaction on my part and did my own thing.

Well today I dropped him off at work on my way out, and, therefore had to pick him up. I requested that we stop at the grocery to get whatever he wanted for dinner. We have plenty of food at the house, but its never what he wants. He declined.

We came home & took a nap (his request) and woke up late 9 pm where he started ordering me to go to the store, fix and prepare & serve something delicious that he didn't know what he wanted. I told him I didn't want to go to the store, and would fix x y or z from the pantry.

He progressively got worse trying to make me do what he wanted, and progressed to throwing half of the contents of our pantry on the front walk outside. This is particularly embarrassing as we live in a townhome, so our walk is basically our neighbors walk. I finally did go to the drive thru at McDonalds which was a HUGE mistake. I should have left and gone to my parents.

Now he is as happy as a pig in sunshine. The argument was my fault (of course) because I didn't do what I was supposed to do. I should pick up groceries from walk, because its my fault they're out there & go back to normal.

As humiliated as I am that my neighbors will wake up and see groceries on the lawn, I can't do it. I am hanging out downstairs (he is up) and just thinking I can't deal with him. I can't be abused because I have not waited on him.

How to salvage?

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[allibaba]

I just wanted to say that I could see the exact same thing happening at my house.  My husband is unbelievably picky about what he eats and somehow it is my responsibility to figure out what will suit his tastebuds the second we happen to eat dinner.  I happen to live in the country so if half the contents of the pantry end up on the front lawn... .  I just leave them there.     

Sorry that you are going through this.  Its a tough situation to be in.  I try to establish what we are going to eat with his input well in advance of dinner and then if he doesn't like it because he changed his mind.  TOUGH!

[elemental]

You are right. Going to your parents even now is a very good idea. He was abusive to you and very disrespectful, controlling.

Let him be a pig in the sunshine for a day or two.

What are your boundries in this situation?

[sadeyes]

I just wanted to say that I could see the exact same thing happening at my house.  My husband is unbelievably picky about what he eats and somehow it is my responsibility to figure out what will suit his tastebuds the second we happen to eat dinner.  I happen to live in the country so if half the contents of the pantry end up on the front lawn... .  I just leave them there.     

Sorry that you are going through this.  Its a tough situation to be in.  I try to establish what we are going to eat with his input well in advance of dinner and then if he doesn't like it because he changed his mind.  TOUGH!

I have been trying to make dinner ahead of time in the crock pot when possible. I greatly reduces my stress level. Food is a big problem in this house. I actually believe that he left other addictions for food addictions. He expects me to prepare and serve (or pack) 4 meals a day, and it is exhausting. Many times I don't mind, as it is doing something nice for my spouse, but its the expectation that gets to me. Also, the unwillingness to do anything for himself. He will dehydrate and call me to come home when I am out before he will pour a glass of liquid. How did I let it get this far... .  

[sadeyes]

You are right. Going to your parents even now is a very good idea. He was abusive to you and very disrespectful, controlling.

Let him be a pig in the sunshine for a day or two.

What are your boundries in this situation?

Part of the problem is that I don't have boundries. I need to improve that. I am proud of the fact that he called me when I was out getting food. I answered the first time, and he started saying nasty things. So, I told him I didn't want to talk to him when he was saying nasty things. I got off the phone, and did not answer the 5 back to back calls that started a few minutes later. When he started in about me not answering the phone, I simply replied " I told you I didn't want to talk to you when you are behaving in such an unkind manner." I then dropped it and moved on. Baby steps.

[elemental]

Well, when I was raising my son, he wouldn't eat anything but cheese slices and hotdogs. A lot of times he wouldn't eat those.

My mother had an excellent philosophy that she passed on to me:

When he gets hungry enough, he will eat.

Leave him on his own a couple of days. He won't starve. And if he calls crying for you to come pour him a glass of water because he is thirsty, leave him alone 2 extra days. 

[allibaba]

Sadeyes... .  I think that you and I are in the same boat.  Food is a HUGE (x10) problem in our house.  Actually its probably our primary issue.  My husband is diabetic and he has a gluten intolerance too in addition to be a picky, picky man. 

I didn't have boundaries for YEARS and I let this whole thing get way too far as well.  I went to a professional who told me that I am dealing with BPD and he told me that if I don't start putting down boundaries he'll keep getting worse.  His point was... .  are things in your life good... .  well then what do you have to lose.  Things are not good so I believe that I have nothing to lose.

I left my husband alone for the first time in years... .  and its a miracle.  He didn't starve!  Granted he did either eat out or eat peanut butter sandwiches for my whole week away (not recommended for someone with a gluten intolerance) but the point is that he didn't starve.

I don't have any answers... .  but thanks again for helping me not to feel alone.

[sadeyes]

Sadeyes... .  I think that you and I are in the same boat.  Food is a HUGE (x10) problem in our house.  Actually its probably our primary issue.  My husband is diabetic and he has a gluten intolerance too in addition to be a picky, picky man. 

I didn't have boundaries for YEARS and I let this whole thing get way too far as well.  I went to a professional who told me that I am dealing with BPD and he told me that if I don't start putting down boundaries he'll keep getting worse.  His point was... .  are things in your life good... .  well then what do you have to lose.  Things are not good so I believe that I have nothing to lose.

I left my husband alone for the first time in years... .  and its a miracle.  He didn't starve!  Granted he did either eat out or eat peanut butter sandwiches for my whole week away (not recommended for someone with a gluten intolerance) but the point is that he didn't starve.

I don't have any answers... .  but thanks again for helping me not to feel alone.

Are you my alter ego? :-)

Diabetes... .  Yup he has it. He was on a good diet and doing well glucose wise until he decided what I was cooking was too strict. He now says he should be able to have treats every now and then. Treats now and then consists of 3+ sugar mountain dew drinks, multiple little debbies snack cakes, candy bars 4-5 per week plus on top of that more carbs than a healthy.person should eat.

I finally gave up on what he eats. He has problems all the time from out of control glucose. When he asks why am I having x, I simply say "that is a symptom of your glucose being out of control" and move on.

Thanks for your support!

[benny2]

I wonder if food seems to be an issue with pwBPD? I had a huge issue with meals while I was living there. He is so picky. Everything has to be name brand, and certain ones at that. Never could decide what he wanted to eat. I threw out so much food while I was there. I would make things and he would eat a little bit, and the rest would go to waste. Gosh, I remember how I stressed out over meals. Thanks for reminding me. Its just one more reason why I could never live the man again.

[sadeyes]

I did not go to my parents. I couldn't stomach the 1+ hr drive at 1am to wake them up. I just stayed away from him in the house, and he is still in a nice mood. I have ignored him (not silent treatment, just doing my own thing), as his nice mood is making me feel nauseous.

The can groceries are still on the walk. I have taken pictures (he doesn't know) and we will likely get an hoa violation letter early next week as groceries are clearly not on the list of approved lawn items.

I have not had any questions from neighbors yet, and I am not sure what I will say. I am truly humiliated. Why? Not exactly because there are groceries on the lawn, but because he would do something like this, and I would stay with him.

[Rockylove]

I am truly humiliated. Why? Not exactly because there are groceries on the lawn, but because he would do something like this, and I would stay with him.

  Try not to be too hard on yourself for this.  Love makes us do crazy stuff like staying with someone who has serious issues.  You are not responsible for his behavior.  Yes, you live there together and will share in the wrist slapping for the grocery lawn decor, but it is NOT your fault that he threw them there. 

I hope he decides to be a big boy and pick the stuff up, but if he doesn't... .  allow him to share in the wrist slapping from the HOA.

[motherof1yearold]

um, you asked him what he wanted from the store and he declined to go... .  And he proceeds to throw half of the pantry on to the street... .  how embarrassing, and absurd! I do hope you have actually pointed out to him how wrong he was... .  that is not acceptable and should not be tolerated... while reading this I'm thinking of my TWO YEAR OLD right now , not a grown man!

I do hope you send the message to him that you won't tolerate this. That is unbelievable.

[Grey Kitty]

Part of the problem is that I don't have boundries. I need to improve that.

Well seeing that is the start on that 

I am proud of the fact that he called me when I was out getting food. I answered the first time, and he started saying nasty things. So, I told him I didn't want to talk to him when he was saying nasty things. I got off the phone, and did not answer the 5 back to back calls that started a few minutes later. When he started in about me not answering the phone, I simply replied " I told you I didn't want to talk to you when you are behaving in such an unkind manner." I then dropped it and moved on. Baby steps.

Yes, you handled that very well. Keep working at it--you will feel so much better about yourself as you improve here. (The fact that his behavior is likely to improve is just a small bonus)

Hang in there. Starting with boundaries is tough... .  but makes so much difference!

[CodependentHusband]

hmm... .  Tough call on that one. I'm sorry to hear that this happened. It reminds me of when I first stopped 'rescuing' my wife and picking up after her tantrums, which were, of course, all my fault to begin with. At one time we had a broken lamp and table in our den, along with the book and other contents on the table shrewn across the floor in pieces for several days before she finally picked it up.

For what it is worth, I've found it best to simply NOT state that she should clean it up or anything like that. Just don't mention it at all, because if I were to so much as mention it, her blaming of me would start up all over again. I've just found that calling my wife on the carpet isn't necessary in the majority of cases. Now, I can see that your situation is a little different in that it is on the front lawn where people living very close by. If it were me, I'd be leaning 51% towards letting him clean up his mess though, front lawn or not.

Good luck with this, and as you pointed out, boundaries are good to have and protect. Don;t kick yourself though, it takes a lot of practice to protect your boundaries consistently.

[Chosen]

sadeyes,

I'm sorry you had such an "eventful" time... .  it's never easy when they refuse everything given to them and just throw tantrums!  And we both know it's not just tantrums... .  they're adults and it's much worse than that.

However, I don't think it's because you have screwed up.  You asked him to stop on the way to pick up stuff to eat, right?  But he didn't want any of it! 

I think embarrassing as it may be, having all the stuff thrown on the walk, you should not clean up after him- at least not right now.  Keep yourself busy, do something else.  Why try to hide the embarrassing things he does when he doesn't feel sorry about them?

[waverider]

I agree with the need for boundaries, but do not mix them up with demands.

A boundary is you not cleaning up or cooking or whatever the consequence is you choose. But DONT add in the demand that they need to do it. That will become obvious by the fact you are not doing it. You dont even need to say you wont put up with it, that again will be demonstrated by you not being around that behavior.

Words and explanations hold little weight when dealing with a dysregulated pwBPD, they are just treated as a challenge and an excuse to up the anti.

Making the demand as to what they should do gives them the opening for the "controlling" tag to be hung on you. Which often ends up pushing you into JADE mode

Better to physically demonstrate what you will not do... Nothing controlling in that.

How did it get this far? Because you did it without gratitude being given. It was a one way street.

[sadeyes]

We're at 36 hrs, and our lawn art is still there. I have not spoken 1 word about it since the initial discussion. I do plan on asking him to take the dog out to pee if the opportunity comes up, because he will need to walk past the lawn art. I don't know if this will trigger anything (anger at me or obligation to pick it up), but at least it will remind him it is there without me saying anything. We never use that door except for the dog, so it is out of sight out of mind.

I have been nice to him but very detached since the incident. He usually has an expectation of 4 meals per day, and I have not done that. At noon yesterday, I fixed myself brunch & asked if he wanted some. Later I was going to the kitchen & he asked if I would make him a sand, and I did. Dinner, I made something &asked him if he wanted some. Very little food prep!

Its interesting, because he is eating much less than normal, but will not fix anything for himself.

[CodependentHusband]

sadeyes,

    Good for you! Sounds like you are doing well!

[waverider]

Keep in your mind a boundary action in case he suddenly blows up over your new behavior, which is very possible. Best to be prepared.

[allibaba]

Sadeyes... .  how are you?  Is the lawn art still there?  What happened?

[sadeyes]

Sadeyes... .  how are you?  Is the lawn art atoll there?  What happened?

I'm ok. He never picked anything up. I finally picked it up on Wednesday, but he doesn't know I did. The lawn people come on Wed, and I didn't want them to have to pick it up. I waited until he went to work, and then got it. No words have been spoken about it. I am guessing that he thinks the lawn people did it. I made sure to "remind" him that they were here without making it obvious.

Interestingly, when I cleaned it up, I found that he stabbed a couple of the cans to make the contents leak out. Why? I don't know.

He has been pretty "normal" this week. I am leaving without him for a few days in a couple of weeks. I have not left him before, so I am not sure hoe that will go. He did say to me earlier... .  "What if you dont miss me while you are gone?"

I see a lot of fast food in his future those days... .  

How are you?

[allibaba]

He stabbed the cans out of anger.  It really does sound like we have similar husbands.  Occasional acts of violence against food in this house.  I'll never forget the day that my husband threw a container of blackberries... .  when his aunt came over she asked what the black spots were on the ceiling and I explained laughingly that her nephew had lost his temper on the berries.  She didn't know what to say but I didn't care.

Things here are ok.  All my husband ate for my time away was peanut butter sandwiches and it made him very sick.  After my trip my husband went off gluten and the doctor has pulled him off of insulin (apparently he should have been off of insulin 6 months ago because he no longer needs it).  He's not sleeping well and I think that his body may be going through withdrawals from gluten and or insulin because his mornings are horrible. 

All in all the trip away was a good thing for both of us.  I highly recommend emphasizing that you will miss him and calling regularly while you are away... .  because your departure will lead to insecurity.

[whereisthezen]

Sadeyes, it sounds like you did really well. I wonder if there will be friction about his dietary needs before you leave? (Hv to get groceries, help him prepare, get meds, go to dr)... . if he starts feeling you pull back, he may reel you in before you leave... . Hoping not but if it may happen, you'll want to make sure you make your flight/trip no matter what. Enjoy your days to yourself fully!

[cj8121]

sad eyes,  I feel for you too.  Dinner has always been an issue for my BPDh. He never wanted to eat what I was making.  Now I don't cook unless my kids are gonna be here.  he can go to grocery and cook which he does now.  he pretends he doesn't care but then gets pissy.  but oh well.  Over the years I would cook and he would complain.  So now I don't bother. It's even better when he would ask what I wanted for dinner and I would tell him and  he would say no because he wanted something else so I just say I don't care.

how are the lawn ornaments.  You shouldn't feel the need to explain to anyone about his bad behavior let him.


Good Luck!

[sadeyes]

Sadeyes, it sounds like you did really well. I wonder if there will be friction about his dietary needs before you leave? (Hv to get groceries, help him prepare, get meds, go to dr)... . if he starts feeling you pull back, he may reel you in before you leave... . Hoping not but if it may happen, you'll want to make sure you make your flight/trip no matter what. Enjoy your days to yourself fully!

There will be friction regarding foods. He told me I was going to have to cook everything ahead of time. He said it like a joke, and I laughed it off as one. If I was a betting gal, I would bet that there was a lot of seriousness to his comment. I will likely stock him up on "easy to prepare" foods before I go. Should I? Probably not, but it will be my compromise to his illness. The truth is he does ZERO shopping now, so I minus well do my regular shopping before I go. I think it will reduce a lot of stress off of him, and this is going to be VERY stressful on him. He is very dependent on me being around physically. Since we have lived together, I have spent 1 night with my mom in the hospital. Other than that, I have never been away. On top of that, I am travelling internationally, and while we can speak daily, he will not be able to call me on my cell.

[sadeyes]

sad eyes,  I feel for you too.  Dinner has always been an issue for my BPDh. He never wanted to eat what I was making.  Now I don't cook unless my kids are gonna be here.  he can go to grocery and cook which he does now.  he pretends he doesn't care but then gets pissy.  but oh well.  Over the years I would cook and he would complain.  So now I don't bother. It's even better when he would ask what I wanted for dinner and I would tell him and  he would say no because he wanted something else so I just say I don't care.

how are the lawn ornaments.  You shouldn't feel the need to explain to anyone about his bad behavior let him.


Good Luck!

Who knows for sure, but I think I know why food is a trigger for him. His dad died when he was 2 and his mom died when he was 4. His mom was a sahm, and always had dinner in the table when dad rolled in from work. I think the "traditional mom makes food and serves" reminds him of childhood, and me not doing that reminds him of being abandoned by his parents when they died. Fast forward to  his teenage years after severe abuse from family members and foster/group homes. He actually had periods of living on the streets with no food. So not having food (even if its just not available & you can go to the store) reminds him of that. Maybe I am way off since so many others have trouble with food, but that's the best I can come up with as of yet.

[Grey Kitty]

Hmm... . reminds me of what a bachelor friend of mine called "guy food" The definition of that was that it had a maximum of two steps:

1. Open

2. Eat

If you feel happy and loving about the shopping for while you are gone... . I'd suggest stocking up on "guy food" and other things that are pretty simple... . and (relatively) healthy for him while you are gone

I suspect he will survive while you are gone... . and that experience will help BOTH of you deal with some of these issues better in the future.

Good luck!