reflection

[healingmyheart]

Today is the three year anniversary of the death of my husband.  I was married to him for 26 years and I miss him... .  I miss what I may never have again.  After my recent BU with my exBPDbf I'm really concerned with my life course and obviously the choices I've made since I lost my husband.  I allowed myself to get swept up with a guy who was controlling, manipulative, abusive verbally, jealous and raged all at the expense of mine and my daughters well being.  It is very hurtful and I don't ever want to go back to something like that again. Maybe being alone for the rest of my life is the answer.  I'm not scared to be alone... .  in face, there are times I welcome it.  Right now though, being alone is hard.  I'm having to face the pain and loss of a dysfunctional relationship which by all accounts was not real.  I'm sad for me... .  I'm sad for my ex for he has no idea what he has done.  I'm also angry at him for the pain.  So many emotions.  

It's taking all my energy right now just to smile and get out of bed and do even basic things.  I look forward to getting past this funk.  It's exhausting feeling sorry for yourself and having absolutely no focus in your life.  My ex was my life.  Without him, I'm pretty much starting over.  I realize in the long run I'm better off but that doesn't help the way I feel now.  

I'm 52 years old, my daughter will be leaving for college in a year and I truly will be alone.  What am I suppose to do with myself if i don't allow myself to open up to a new relationship.  I just don't know I can.  I don't want to be hurt like this again.  I lost the love of my life and maybe I should just be grateful for what I had.  

I know I'll be ok  I'll survive.  Just a hard day thinking of my husband, and where I am today.  

[Maryiscontrary]

I actually like a lot of solitude, myself. I am always learning some concept or skill. When I am on an upswing, I go out and socialize. I used to be a really lonely person. But not really any more. I can socialize 7 days a week, if I wanted, but I need a lot of time for self reflecton, and doing technical mindfulness and insight exercises. Over and over. Buddhist monks spend huge time alone speaking with no one, sometime on what is called "retreats". They are "forced" to come to terms with workings in their heads, including toxic emotions and thoughts.

I realized I was lonely when I was avoiding part of myself. I am just guessing, but focusing on relationships, could it be that these were distractions to avoid processing part of yourself.

That is, avoiding?

What do you think?

[healingmyheart]

Maryiscontrary,

Very insightful message.  I agree that the distraction of the relationship was not allowing us to process ourselves.

I have been trying meditation and it really does calm my soul. 

I know I need this alone time and part of the time is comforting but yet, sometimes the pain is just too painful. 

I know through the guidance of my counselor I need to rediscover me, find and pursue my passions and in time I will.  So sad that I lost myself somewhere along the way.