Sad and scared

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was scheduled for divorce two weeks ago. My stbexBPDw was able to postpone by hiring A new attorney. Less than two year marriage. Really bad marriage but crazy passion. Just for example. Had a meeting for work with spouses to attend with the partners. My stbex was upset over something small. I knew dinner was in jeopardy. I tried to talk her through it. That upset her more. I suggested she may be creating a mountain from molehill. Man. She got upset. Told me to go to meeting alone. Said if I pushed her on this that I wouldn't like what happened. Said she would call my work partners and tell them what a monster I was. That I beat her, etc.  So many other examples. So many much worse. At any rate. I decided I had to leave and did. But I still have and had this insane attraction to this woman. It's overwhelming. I can set it aside at times but it is most always there. I know what will happen if I return. Il be threatened. Vilified. Abused. Accused. My kids wouldn't understand. They have seen many recycles. My family wouldn't support it. Same goes for those in my stbexs camp as well. Of course they see me as the problem. She has kept up pressure on me wanting me back. Hard pressure. Latest she has promised to sign a post nup as I have been that she is wanting money. I know I am rambling. Point is divorce still not scheduled. My attorney and i have pushed for it but still discovery and wrangling taking place. So it is still a ways off. I feel myself weakening to her bargaining. I am afraid of that. I am afraid of angering her. I still live in fear. I am scared of the woman I love. She has said she will not stop pressuring me til divorce is done. I have been clear that I am continuing with divorce. I have to be careful because I know my communication is open to interpretation by her. I'm just frustrated and nervous. I wish she would just let me go and leave me alone. She has been clear that she won't. I know this is part of BPD. I get that. But I don't get it. In my opinion it is criminal. It makes me lose sleep. Keeps me anxious. Affects work. Hurts my focus. It just keeps me ill. Looking over my shoulder. I know the answer. Don't let it affect me. Stop letting her, even in the background, have power. Detach. I get all that. I am so scared of what will happen when I have asked repeatedly to be left alone. She can't. She won't. It is harrowing. Awful. I love her however I need her to let me go. And yes I have to as well. Most of her venom has stopped. The threats are less. She has offered to stay in therapy. I am just so damned traumatized that I can't believe her. She asked me to a movie tonight via text. I said better not. So her tone changes. I feel the guilt well up. She wants me. I want her. I just know I can't have her anymore. If I do I will die. She just sees we had problems. Doesn't know the depths of my pain because of us. She knows that if she will just not contact me that I would not contact her. So she just keeps it up. Even though she has said she loves me enough to let me go. I am out of the house separated but still feel stuck. She has me. I am a prisoner. Can't find a way out.

[lost007]

I was scheduled for divorce two weeks ago. My stbexBPDw was able to postpone by hiring A new attorney. Less than two year marriage. Really bad marriage but crazy passion. Just for example. Had a meeting for work with spouses to attend with the partners. My stbex was upset over something small. I knew dinner was in jeopardy. I tried to talk her through it. That upset her more. I suggested she may be creating a mountain from molehill. Man. She got upset. Told me to go to meeting alone. Said if I pushed her on this that I wouldn't like what happened. Said she would call my work partners and tell them what a monster I was. That I beat her, etc.  So many other examples. So many much worse. At any rate. I decided I had to leave and did. But I still have and had this insane attraction to this woman. It's overwhelming. I can set it aside at times but it is most always there. I know what will happen if I return. Il be threatened. Vilified. Abused. Accused. My kids wouldn't understand. They have seen many recycles. My family wouldn't support it. Same goes for those in my stbexs camp as well. Of course they see me as the problem. She has kept up pressure on me wanting me back. Hard pressure. Latest she has promised to sign a post nup as I have been that she is wanting money. I know I am rambling. Point is divorce still not scheduled. My attorney and i have pushed for it but still discovery and wrangling taking place. So it is still a ways off. I feel myself weakening to her bargaining. I am afraid of that. I am afraid of angering her. I still live in fear. I am scared of the woman I love. She has said she will not stop pressuring me til divorce is done. I have been clear that I am continuing with divorce. I have to be careful because I know my communication is open to interpretation by her. I'm just frustrated and nervous. I wish she would just let me go and leave me alone. She has been clear that she won't. I know this is part of BPD. I get that. But I don't get it. In my opinion it is criminal. It makes me lose sleep. Keeps me anxious. Affects work. Hurts my focus. It just keeps me ill. Looking over my shoulder. I know the answer. Don't let it affect me. Stop letting her, even in the background, have power. Detach. I get all that. I am so scared of what will happen when I have asked repeatedly to be left alone. She can't. She won't. It is harrowing. Awful. I love her however I need her to let me go. And yes I have to as well. Most of her venom has stopped. The threats are less. She has offered to stay in therapy. I am just so damned traumatized that I can't believe her. She asked me to a movie tonight via text. I said better not. So her tone changes. I feel the guilt well up. She wants me. I want her. I just know I can't have her anymore. If I do I will die. She just sees we had problems. Doesn't know the depths of my pain because of us. She knows that if she will just not contact me that I would not contact her. So she just keeps it up. Even though she has said she loves me enough to let me go. I am out of the house separated but still feel stuck. She has me. I am a prisoner. Can't find a way out.

[OTH]

Hey lost,

No, it doesn't sound healthy. How are you spending your time? Are you taking care of yourself outside of this relationship? What else do you have in your life to focus on? Have you talked to a therapist?

[lost007]

I have a therapist. It helps some. Once a week for an hour. Just doesn't cut it. My kids were my world. They live with my ex wife eleven hours away. A source of great pain. I am highly visible but don't engage. I am just too PTSD to do or say much. I am afraid of her. She has pressured so hard. I have tried to dance around her. I have tried just out and out brutal honesty. No matter what I say she doesn't get it. It's frightening. I haven't contacted her once in 3 months. She can't stop and says she won't stop contacting me. She refuses. She will push right up to the letter of the law to maintain contact. I want to be able to communicate with her. I would love that. She is disordered big time. She thinks I have no right to be away from her. I have tried being standoff. When I do she saysbshenwoukd give anything to just keep me as a friend. So I act friendly and let my guard down. She invites me to a movie. I don't want to. I'm made to feel like a devil for declining. She wants me in chains. She w

Cannot see she is taking my life. Emotionally killing me. It's all about her. I am not doing much now. Reading. Working. Visiting some family. I really have no friends. To the outside world? I probably have it all. Inside I'm suffering and scared.

[lost007]

I turned my stbexBPDw down for a movie. She had promised me ugly was gone. Nasty was gone. She is in the middle of a text tirade. It's all back. Blame. Accusation. Vitriol. It's criminal. It's unstoppable.

[GustheDog]

I turned my stbexBPDw down for a movie. She had promised me ugly was gone. Nasty was gone. She is in the middle of a text tirade. It's all back. Blame. Accusation. Vitriol. It's criminal. It's unstoppable.

Any and all thoughts of reconsidering in lieu of her post-nup-for-6-months offer should be sufficiently snuffed out by this.  

She is proving to you time and time again who she really is.  Moreover, this is happening when she knows she needs to be on top behavior because she's trying to manipulate you into giving her something she wants.  She can't even keep it together for that.

Because you don't have children with her (you don't, right?), you have the ability to sever pretty much all but the most dire contact.  You could even go a step further and require all communication to be done through legal counsel.

The only way to win is to stop playing the game.  Just do it.

[lost007]

No Gus. No kids. I have tried just leaving her alone. She texts or calls or emails from so many sources until she gets through. She  will use her daughters phone. Multiple email addresses. She has an alternate number. She will call posing as someone else. I have an addiction to this woman.  But yes she is consistent in what she will do to hold on to me. She will find a way to contact me. She is desperate. Dangerous even Gus. But u know as well as I that she can con and manipulate. She is beginning to make enough mistakes that she may hang herself. My hope is her behavior will put her in a position where she has to back off. In the meantime I try and limit contact. I know what I should do. I am afraid. Very afraid of her.

[GustheDog]

Yeah, I understand.  And she is dangerous, or at least entitled to such a presumption.

I also understand the addiction aspect.  But the drug's not getting you high anymore, it's making you sick.  That's when you know it's time for detox and flushing out all the poison from your system.

Every instance of contact will make you feel worse.  Close this chapter and start finding things that make you feel better.