What to do about her email asking for her mail?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey guys,

I just received an email from exwBPD:

"Not trying to bother you, but was wondering if any of my mail has been delivered to your house?"

I have some mail of hers... .  and even though it's unreasonable, I feel frozen at the moment and dont know how to respond after 2 months NC and 4 year off/on. I dont want to deal with this, but I know i cant hold her mail... .  i shouldve just returned to sender a long time ago.

What do I respond? I can drop off in her mom's mailbox... .  i dont want to ask for her address or tell her i will put return to sender... .  

Any analysis on this message, or just looking for her mail?

[stoic83]

Hey guys,

I just received an email from exwBPD:

"Not trying to bother you, but was wondering if any of my mail has been delivered to your house?"

I have some mail of hers... .  and even though it's unreasonable, I feel frozen at the moment and dont know how to respond after 2 months NC and 4 year off/on. I dont want to deal with this, but I know i cant hold her mail... .  i shouldve just returned to sender a long time ago.

What do I respond? I can drop off in her mom's mailbox... .  i dont want to ask for her address or tell her i will put return to sender... .  

Any analysis on this message, or just looking for her mail?

[daze]

Any analysis on this message, or just looking for her mail?

It could be either.  If she weren't BPD I would say she was just looking for her mail.  With your history of four years on and off, I'd guess it might be an attempt to recycle. 

I guess it boils down to what you want to do.  If you are happy and relieved with the NC for two months, I'd say stick with it and put the mail in your box "return to sender" with a note she no longer lives here.  You could email her back that you returned her mail and that she needs to put in a forwarding order if she hasn't, etc.  Personally, I wouldn't offer to drop it off in her mom's box.

If you're up for a recycle, then you can ask her to meet you for the mail or ask her to come to your place to pick it up.  You'll find out pretty quickly if this is a recycle attempt.

I guess another factor is whether any of the mail is important, like stuff for tax returns.  In which case it would be nice to drop it in her mom's box.  I would do it first and then respond to her email.

[Clearmind]

Return to sender!

She could've put a re-direct and she didn't - not your problem

[BlushAndBashful]

No, I wouldn't do return to sender, but that's just me.

Rather than dropping it off with her mother, could you mail it to her mother? Put everything in one large envelope and mail it? It should cost maybe a couple of dollars, tops.

And then insist that she fill out a change of address form with the post office.

[stoic83]

Woah, conflicting perspectives... .  

If you're up for a recycle, then you can ask her to meet you for the mail or ask her to come to your place to pick it up.  You'll find out pretty quickly if this is a recycle attempt.

No way!

Return to sender! She could've put a re-direct and she didn't - not your problem

Definitely sounds like a safe choice. However is it illegal if i do not respond and just do return to sender? I held on to her mail and I should have just done that before. I read that it is illegal to hold someone's mail hostage... .  I hope I do not get in trouble... .  Is this immature of me? I did tell her not to contact me in any way shape or form unless it was to apologize as part of her AA 9th step. Isn't it kind of passive aggressive to just send her gift cards and important stuff and create additional problems for someone that I care about? I mean I realize I can not be in a rs with her, and that NC is healthiest thing for me, but I don't wish ill will upon her. I have therapy tomorrow and several interviews and so I will talk to my T about this before I take any action.

No, I wouldn't do return to sender, but that's just me.

I can't mail it to her mother because I don't know her exact address, just where her house is.

Also I am banned from her mother's house because I told her she was a terrible mother and it was time for her to step up to the plate... .  .

[doubleAries]

Maybe you can email back and say (only) "where do you want it mailed to? You need to fill out a change of address form at the post office". End of message. If she doesn't fill out the form, then "return to sender" on any future mail.

[recoil]

I'd Elvis them (RTS) without a response to her.

[Clearmind]

I just wonder why still, after the relationship break up we are attempting to put our ex's first before our own needs/wants/desires.

[sunrising]

The old mail trick... .    My exwBPD used the "mail issue" as a reason to contact me several times during the NC period.  I sent her only one reply to her first email and never replied again: "Please email me your new address.  I will forward your mail there until the end of this month".   

[Rose Tiger]

I vote return to sender.  Think of the poor senders, they need to know that address is not valid.  Think of the postage costs! 

I'm teasing.  But Return to Sender is the best option for all parties.

[Cumulus]

Yup, I got the, have you got my mail, email too. Like you, I did, not sure why, but there they sat by the back door. So, I did ask for address, said I would forward everything until end of month and then I would return all mail to sender. At the end of the month I put all the mail in one envelope and sent it priority mail, the kind that he had to sign for. Figured I didn't need to make it convenient for him! Nothing further except for junk stuff ever came after that.

[stoic83]

Well I went to my T... .  and she said "can't you just trash it".

She clearly didn't want me to respond in any way shape or form... .  she says my instincts are telling me to not communicate with her. The entire situation seemed to bother her. I can't say I've felt anger coming from my T before, but clearly this was there... .  she would never tell me what to do, but she seemed to support my instincts to stay away in any way shape or form. It feels like my Therapist hates her... .  is this counter transference?

[Rose Tiger]

Interesting, my T has the same attitude towards the ex.  Maybe they just love us. 

[sunrising]

My T struggles to say very many nice things about my ex as well, and she was our couples counselor.  When I have struggled and faltered with NC, my T has been pretty firm with me.  Like you said, she won't "tell me what to do", but she makes it very clear what she thinks I SHOULD do. 

[stoic83]

Well I compromised.

The mail was burning a hole in my brain... .  just sitting there.

So I put it on her mom's winsheild at her mom's house and will not respond to the email.

It went against my core values to "trash it" or "return to sender".

I can appreciate that my exwBPD might not have done the same for me... .  

However, at least I know that I did the right thing for me.

This does not mean I will respond to a second email or answer the door if she shows up.

It just felt like the right thing to do. And I am glad that I did it! Because now there is no reason for her to contact me, and it is off of my plate... .  and i didn't instigate anything by being passive aggresive, etc. And I did what I felt was right.

I feel like the other options went against my core values.

Besides... .  it was easier than going to the post office and dealing with that crap. It was the most utilitarian decision (not wasting anybody's time... .  e.g. mine, hers, and all the people who have to deal with that crap including her family members and all the companies... .  thats just a ~ thing to do.)

So my other option was trashing it... .  which is immoral and illegal. So whatever... .  off my plate, no direct communication... .  it might have broken NC... .  but she did that when she contacted me so oh well.

[stoic83]

Well I went to my T... .  and she said "can't you just trash it".

She clearly didn't want me to respond in any way shape or form... .  she says my instincts are telling me to not communicate with her. The entire situation seemed to bother her. I can't say I've felt anger coming from my T before, but clearly this was there... .  she would never tell me what to do, but she seemed to support my instincts to stay away in any way shape or form. It feels like my Therapist hates her... .  is this counter transference?

You know what... .  my T mentioned something about devil's advocate technique again... .  I think she was messing with me again. Oh well, she has to use these tatics on me because she needs to breakthrough to my subconscious thought patterns. Sucks to be me.

I wonder if she was trying to see whether I would think to just trash it... .  I really don't know.

My T says her style is to keep me confused... .  I think Im making a lot of progress. But she recognize one of my core weaknesses is for asking other people for advice all the time... .  its because I doubt my self and my ability to recognize the right thing to do through my intuition and feelings, and wise-mind... .  etc.

[atwitsend]

Having been on the other end of this, I suggest that you do the right thing: Ask for an addy to send mail to and send it there until the change of address kicks in.

My BPDex gf fubar'd me big time by withholding/dumping my mail--especially during tax season. It was the dead-wrong, mean-spirited thing to do for no reason. Take the high road and it will come back to you in spades.

NS

[stoic83]

Having been on the other end of this, I suggest that you do the right thing: Ask for an addy to send mail to and send it there until the change of address kicks in.

My BPDex gf fubar'd me big time by withholding/dumping my mail--especially during tax season. It was the dead-wrong, mean-spirited thing to do for no reason. Take the high road and it will come back to you in spades.

NS

Agreed. But if she wasnt trying to bait me in to breaking NC, she would have just put a forwarding address... .  

So i dropped it at her mom's house... .  to avoid talking to her.

[daze]

If you're up for a recycle, then you can ask her to meet you for the mail or ask her to come to your place to pick it up.  You'll find out pretty quickly if this is a recycle attempt.

I wasn't being serious and it didn't sound like you were interested in a recycle.  I should have put a  in there.

Sounds like you did the right thing for you and for her.  Hopefully, she will put in a forwarding order and you won't have to deal with the mail issue.

[stoic83]

If you're up for a recycle, then you can ask her to meet you for the mail or ask her to come to your place to pick it up.  You'll find out pretty quickly if this is a recycle attempt.

I wasn't being serious and it didn't sound like you were interested in a recycle.  I should have put a  in there.

Sounds like you did the right thing for you and for her.  Hopefully, she will put in a forwarding order and you won't have to deal with the mail issue.

Haha I took it out of context anyways. I knew you were joking... .  but the thought crossed my mind. I don't think I will have any more mail problems... .  I think she changed her address anyways, because I haven't gotten anything super recently.