Very fearful of the future...

[Mollybunn]

Long boring story... .  but to put it in a nutshell my sons ex-wife and mother of my two grandchildren was diagnosed with BPD several years ago. We've had crisis after crisis but all seemed well for a few months. There are many dark and difficult details of this that I would rather not post here as I don't think it's helpful but the upshot of it all is that a new boyfriend has emerged. No one has an issue with a new boyfriend but historically a new boyfriend heralds in a period of heady impulsive madness with no thought or consideration of the consequences the latest harebrained plan seems potentially devastating to my two very small grandchildren. The new boyfriend lives a good 2 hour drive up the motorway and the children are hiked to his house every other weekend with gay abandonment despite the objections from them that they don't want to go... Also it's been hinted/ mentioned that a permanent move might be in the offing... .  which has completely floored the eldest child who is beside themselves.

My son is of course the personification of evil now she has a new boyfriend and she will not discuss it or negotiate in any way. He wants to stop this happening but has no idea which way to turn. The children are looking haunted and fearful .

There are far too many problematic issues to write about here... .  and it's so tedious I haven the energy to regurgitate it but suffice it to as that these are things which alarm me as a grandparent.

Over the years , despite my inner feelings I have striven to offer a genuine support and friendship to her since I absolutely get that this pattern of behaviour has stemmed from her feelings of abandonment by her father and and mother and I am not about to walk out on her too. Not in my nature and I am willing to be her friend and be a helper. I get rejected and blanked on a regular basis and no amount of calm talk can make a difference when this blows up.

Has anyone any advice on this potentially devastating situation where my vulnerable grandchildren may be ripped away from everything they know and love and taken to a place where nothing is familiar and on a whim in some love struck trip that their mum is on?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts on this!

[marbleloser]

Not sure about where you live,but here,if the kids are established,and have been,at school and in a community,and they have friends they've known and played with for years, the courts don't like it when they're plucked up and hauled off.

Here,the father/mother who lives within the school district would file for resident parent and the other parent moving 2hours away wouldn't be the resident parent any longer.They would have visitation rights,but it would be their obligation to exercise those rights.

[ForeverDad]

Thousands of divorced parents move every year, sometimes across the country.  Life happens.  Moves happen.  Courts have arrangements, procedures and policies to deal with it.  It may be hard to see the kids move, but thousands of kids move every year.

Perhaps a better focus would be to strategize how best to present the reasons for the kids not to be relocated?  Courts often look at who is the custodial parent or residential parent and give them preference.  If your son is CP or RP or has majority time, he has leverage to keep the kids locally.  If she's CP, RP or has majority time, then she will have leverage and his goal would be to present information that he needs to be involved, even step up to more responsibility, to give the children stability, etc.

I believe most courts require the parents to notify the court of any planed moves.  Then it's up to the other parent to contest.

So what's the current status of custody and the parenting schedule (percentage of time with each parent)?  Has CPS or social services ever been involved?  If she's been hospitalized multiple times and has a history of drug abuse and/or association with drug addicts/users, those will be strong factors in his favor.  Has there ever been a parenting investigation by the court or a custody evaluation?  That may be required, but won't be ordered until something is filed with family court.

[Mollybunn]

Thanks for the replies... I really appreciate them .

Well there have been child protection issues, self harm, noncompliance with treatment, abandonment, impulsive behaviour and multiple other incidences, involving social services, the mental health team locally ... etc ... .  there have been at least 3 suicide attempts resulting in hospitalisation...

There  has always been a joint custody order in place, with each parent seeing the children for an equal amount of time.

I do realise that people do move area but I am not sure that the reason here is a valid one which justifies the upheaval of children already affected by all of this, taking them out of the safety of a wider family who step into the breach in times of crisis... .  which is often... .  to a place where there will be no support ... just because of yet another relationship... .  which may or may it work out.