Fantasy vs. Reality

[Phoenix.Rising]

It has been just over 2 months since I've spoken with my ex.  This is the longest period we've gone with no contact in several years.  We were trying to maintain a friendship after our bf/gf relationship, but I was finding it too difficult, and so I asked for space. 

The past week or so I've had some strong urges to contact her.  St. Patrick's Day was difficult because that was the day when we first told each other "I love you" and I gave her a beautiful pendant.  I received a call from an 'unavailable' number on that day, and I had a strong feeling it might have been her.  When I answered, the person on the other end was just silent until I hung up. 

Many times I have felt like I am connecting with her emotionally without being in her presence.  It's hard to explain, but I've heard others express similar experiences.  We did connect on a deep level, but there was obviously a lot of dysfunction.

I don't feel I'm in a place to handle a friendship or any type of relationship with her right now.  I wish that weren't the case, but I believe it is.  If I contact her, it will likely cause me more pain, and I need to recover and work on me right now.

The fantasy is that our 'feelings' for each other will make everything alright.  The fantasy is that the idealization phase will last forever.  The fantasy is that alcoholism is not a big deal.  The reality is that my anxiety was off the charts towards the end of our relationship and I was sacrificing a part of myself to something that was unhealthy.  My own boundaries became practically nonexistent and I was having trouble finding my autonomy.

I do still love her, and it still hurts pretty bad at times.  I miss her.

[heartandwhole]

The fantasy is that our 'feelings' for each other will make everything alright.  The fantasy is that the idealization phase will last forever.  The fantasy is that alcoholism is not a big deal.  The reality is that my anxiety was off the charts towards the end of our relationship and I was sacrificing a part of myself to something that was unhealthy.  My own boundaries became practically nonexistent and I was having trouble finding my autonomy.

Hi Phoenix Rising,

What an honest and lovely post.  I appreciate you sharing your feelings.  I can identify with a lot of what you wrote, almost all of it.  So much strength and wisdom in the last paragraph, something I can remind myself of, too, when times are tough.

Sounds like you are taking care of yourself and I know how hard that can be when we still have a fantasy and have forgotten some of the reality.   One thing I allow myself is to feel love for my pwBPD, that is also a gift to myself, even if I never see him again.

[krista8521]

I am not trying to say anything about your choices, but I am curious did you guys consider counseling before separating?

Next without sounding like a nut, I understand what you are saying about the connecting. I have studied Spiritual Science and I believe we do have those abilities, especially when emotions are deep as the two of yours were.

[Maryiscontrary]

My ex was such a brilliant man. We invented so many processes and devices together. And built a lovely business. A one in a million. Best of friends. But he become too violent and deranged to live with. Or even communicate with.  And I just could not get through to him.

Do I miss the intellectual stimulation. Beyond all words. So feelings are not enough. There are practical considerations, like not getting chopped up into little pieces and stored in zip lock baggies in the freezer because he doesn't know what he is doing.

[maria1]

Dear Phoenix Rising

It is good to see you posting such honest and painful feelings on PI. I'm so sorry you're hurting though.

I understand what you say about the connection. At times I have known that contact was about to be made between my ex and it happened. I don't believe in any spiritual stuff really but I believe we shared a connection that I don't quite understand. I also know that psychologists would describe it as a trauma bond but I'm not sure. I'm not sure there was enough abuse for that.

I think it is actually very useful that you have something solid (alcoholism) which you know will damage you if you go back to the relationship. For me it was the connection my children felt to my pwBPD and the way they saw me disintegrate emotionally at his hands. They need no more dysfunction than they already have.

You have done so well to go 2 months without contact. If you can do another two, I am sure that you will feel so much better and find yourself in a very different place. Recognising that the fantasy can't make it all OK is such a huge step. I believe that you are absolutely doing the right thing to continue NC, for you and for her. You both need to break the connection, even though neither of you wants to and it feels like the saddest thing; you know the connection can't be sustained consistently and healthily. Remember the anxiety and the lack of boundaries at the end.

I like what Heartandwhole says about allowing ourselves to feel love for the pwBPD. I truly believe it is the only real way to detach that allows us to fully feel the pain we need to in order to properly grieve. That makes it a very hard journey though.  

You are being very strong- absolute respect to you. Please do keep posting.

[krista8521]

You have to trust your instinct and not let anyone tell you differently.

Maybe read this link I found yesterday, it talks about psychopathic type bullies and about BPD.

www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm

My Sister in Law was married to a guy for 10 years, she is a BPD-Bi Polar-Narcissist and he always played the roll of the calm, understanding rational guy, no criminal record, successful career. I saw something in his eyes and had this sickly feeling when around him.

I told my husband in private that I thought he was violent and dangerous and could hurt SIL, because she was down right obnoxious, insane etc...

Husband and MIL told me off for saying something like that and said that I let my schooling go to my head. (Criminal Justice)

and to stop watching crime shows.

I kid you not, that night SIL and BIL were drinking all day watching movies, she got up to make another drink, she thought he went to the bathroom, what he did instead was unplug the cordless phone base, kick the cells under the couch and stabbed her 6 times in the back with a 8in knife. She some how survived, he is in prison.

He never ever opened up on his feelings or explained why he did what he did.

Did your ex ever suffer sexual abuse? a head injury? or mental illness? it seems that these are the 3 common traits that people who murder all carry.

[sad but wiser]

Hi Phoenix.  I can totally relate to where you are. 

The fantasy is that our 'feelings' for each other will make everything alright.  The fantasy is that the idealization phase will last forever.  The fantasy is that alcoholism is not a big deal.  The reality is that my anxiety was off the charts towards the end of our relationship and I was sacrificing a part of myself to something that was unhealthy.  My own boundaries became practically nonexistent and I was having trouble finding my autonomy.

This is where I was when the relationship finally dissolved.  Alcoholism (his)  anxiety, no boundries, sacrificing part of myself.  You put this very well.

After the grief, the reality is a difficult place to be, but it is better than the fantasy in the long run.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Wow, I appreciate the support and feedback everyone.  Thank you.  I feel like I need to cry.

One thing I allow myself is to feel love for my pwBPD, that is also a gift to myself, even if I never see him again.

Heartandwhole, Thank you for this.  I agree with you, but this is the difficult path in my opinion, but also the most liberating one.  It is hard to feel those feelings because it involves letting go.  Sometimes it seems easier to just feel bitterness and anger, but I know this is not true.  Anger keeps me trapped in the victim mode, and I am not a victim.

It does hurt to verbalize my feelings for her.  I will always care about her, but, yes, she hurt me badly.

Krista8521,  Thank you for validating my feelings on connecting without being in someone's physical presence.  It feels kinda weird saying that out loud, but I do think there is something to it... maybe not all the time I 'feel' it, but surely some of those times.  I believe we are all interconnected on this planet, whether we realize it or not.  Our actions make an impact.

Maryiscontrary,  Thank you.  Many of your posts have given me strength lately.  To your comment:  We definitely don't want any zip lock baggies in the freezer!  Yikes!  I'm glad you are out of that environment.

Maria, Your words come through loud and strong as always.  You have such a kind heart.  Going back to the alcoholism does give me something solid to hold on to.  I needed to hear that.  That needs to be a deal breaker for me in the future because I would not function well in a situation like that over the long haul.

My ex did show some interest at one point in stopping the drink, but that lasted less than a week, from what I remember.  She did go to a therapist once, at my suggestion, and we did not attend couple's therapy.  I mentioned therapy and support groups numerous times, but she finally made it clear she was not interested.  I have been involved in therapy and support groups over the years, so I am a firm believer in that.

So, go two more months with no contact, eh?  I'll give it my best, I suppose.  It's a day at a time ordeal for me.   

Krista8521, The information on bullying is interesting and useful.  Thank you. 

I am sure my ex was sexually abused.  She told me of some verbal sexual abuse from a family member, and I'm quite certain there was physical sexual abuse as well.  I believe she was dissociating at times during sex.  I didn't understand it at first, but now I believe I do.  I asked her one time about physical sexual abuse, and she got up and left the room with no answer.  You might say that was my answer.

I hope everyone has a good evening. 

[myself]

Part of this is that it gets even more confusing because the fantasies did become realties and the realities did become fantasies. So the solid ground we think we're standing on, together, isn't really there much of the time, and we end up left alone to pick up the pieces and fit them into some new form of understanding. Which is hard because we're not really sure where we're just coming from since it kept changing so much. We're also not sure where to go next because we thought it was a mutual effort but the other person's gone. Focusing on self is best, and, if you think you can do something, go try to do it. Even if it leads to another dead end, more pain, or whatever. There's something to be said for following our hearts and not just our minds. Also to face the pain and not avoid it. I know from healing from physical injuries that if I didn't push the healing process as best as possible, I wouldn't have come through as well as I did. Relearning what we already know, in the here and now. Not being stuck in the past. See yourself for who you are and live it, mistakes and all. That's growth.

[Phoenix.Rising]

This is where I was when the relationship finally dissolved.  Alcoholism (his)  anxiety, no boundries, sacrificing part of myself. 

After the grief, the reality is a difficult place to be, but it is better than the fantasy in the long run.

Thanks, Sad but wiser, your story sounds very similar to mine.  Alcoholism, in and of itself, BPD aside, is a killer of an illness.  It can wreak major havoc and destroy lives.  I've seen alcoholism kill, and I've seen it devastate entire families.  It's terrible.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Krista, I'm sorry about your SIL.  That's terrible.  I'm glad she made it out alive. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

See yourself for who you are and live it, mistakes and all. That's growth.

Myself, I'm a firm believer in embracing what I like to call my 'humanness', or my whole self, which includes the light and dark, the good and the bad, the victories and the mistakes.  This is the beauty of being a human.  We are not supposed to do any of this perfectly.  We are made perfectly imperfect.  The more I can accept this, the more I can enjoy my life, mistakes and all.  Thanks for your wisdom.

[Cumulus]

Hi PR. Has been a difficult few days and your last post was a light in the dark to me. Why do we feel like we have to be perfect. Why can't we just take each other as the messy imperfect human beings that we are, as long as each is capable of giving and receiving love.  That's the key isn't it? Speaking for myself here, but remembering that we don't have to live a perfect life is something I need reminding on frequently. Thank you.

[Mountaineagle]

Wow, I appreciate the support and feedback everyone.  Thank you.  I feel like I need to cry.

One thing I allow myself is to feel love for my pwBPD, that is also a gift to myself, even if I never see him again.

Heartandwhole, Thank you for this.  I agree with you, but this is the difficult path in my opinion, but also the most liberating one.  It is hard to feel those feelings because it involves letting go.  Sometimes it seems easier to just feel bitterness and anger, but I know this is not true.  Anger keeps me trapped in the victim mode, and I am not a victim.

It does hurt to verbalize my feelings for her.  I will always care about her, but, yes, she hurt me badly.

This makes me tear up as well   I just had a round with myself today and realized that I do love my exBPD, but the chaos and "unreality" of it almost destroyed me. I can connect to alot of things you've said:

Many times I have felt like I am connecting with her emotionally without being in her presence.  It's hard to explain, but I've heard others express similar experiences.  We did connect on a deep level, but there was obviously a lot of dysfunction.

I felt exactly like that, and feeling feelings I did not recognize as my own. I believe they were her feelings, because they went away when I told myself that this was not mine. I somehow believe that my poor boundries expanded into the spiritual level and I got enmeshed almost to my core, even feeling her feelings. This probably sound crazy but I have "experienced" it. I don't trust it to be reality, I don't trust myself or my experiences anymore, but I have reflected about it, and I have tried put up "spiritual" boundries now.

Please excuse my spelling. English is not my language and my correction software does not seem to work  

[Phoenix.Rising]

Cumulus,

I'm glad the post was helpful.  Realizing I am imperfect is different from embracing it.  I still struggle with this, and probably always will, but I feel I'm better than I used to be.   

___________________________________

Mountaineagle,

I've been thinking a lot about what you said about spiritual boundaries.  That really struck a chord with me.  I believe we do have some control over that, and I needed to hear what you had to say.  Thanks for your help.

[sad but wiser]

Mountaineagle, that doesn't sound crazy to me, either.  We are more than the body we live in.