I'm really not undecided ...

[toomanyeggshells]

I want to leave but so far I don't have the guts to do it.  Everyday, I imagine my life without my live-in uBPDbf - calm, quiet, happy, relaxed.

Last nite was another of his jealous rages because next month I'm going to be in the company of my ex-husband at our daughter's college graduation.  He has such jealousy and insecurity issues he just can't control himself.  He screamed at me, called me and my family members disgusting names, pushed me down on the bed, then smashed a floor lamp and now there's a broken lightbulb all over the spare bedroom.

He was initially invited to the graduation but then my daughter heard him, through the phone, screaming at me and calling me "a piece of sh&$, a whore, etc."  She doesn't want him there (its out of town and we have to fly there and spend the weekend).  I can't blame her. 

Unbelievably, he tells me that she should grow up, accept that people talk that way to each other and get over it.  I will not accept that.  I don't want to be spoken to that way, I certainly don't want my daughters' SOs speaking to them that way, nor do I want his daughter's bf speaking to her that way.  Its completely unacceptable, but since he can't control himself, it should be ok, according to him.

I think I just need a push to get me over the hump and get away from him.  I know I need to.  Last nite was definitely not his first violent rage and I know its not the last.  If it wasn;t for this damn house we bought together, I know I'd be long gone. 

[Surnia]

Toomanyeggshells

I am concerned about your safety! He is getting violent towards you. Did you ever consider to reach out for a DV Helpline?

I hear your decision about leaving. I would recommend to do it very planned, organized. Safety first... .  

[Broken Dreams]

I can relate.

My boyfriend has never really been physically abusive or violent, but he's certainly been verbally and emotionally abusive over the years.

I'm also coming to the decision to leave him. I know that I need to for my own sanity. But when I start to think about how I'd go about it - the practicalities and the emotional side of things - I feel like I'm already drained of any strength I had, and it seems impossible.

I hope you can work something out soon.

[Clearmind]

My goodness - hugs to you! Lots of admissions in your post toomanyeggshells of what you wouldn't put up with - making the decision to actually leave is certainly hard - regardless of the circumstances.

Do you have a safe place to go to between now and when you do go on your trip. I am also concerned for your safety and whether things may escalate the closer it gets to you actually going. His abandonment fears may come in full swing.

Where to from here? And are you seeing a therapist?

[blecker]

How would your Mom or Dad react if they were too see this behavior?

It is time to go. Violence always escalates. Always.

Unless he agrees to serious help today, please begin the process of getting him away from you.

I mean if you were living on the coast and a storm like Katrina or Sandy was on the way wouldn't you take precautions to help and potentially save yourself?

A hurricane is on the way.

[toomanyeggshells]

Thanks for your replies 

Broken Dreams - Do you want to hear something funny.  There's a firehouse I pass by at times that has a billboard outside that says ":)o you have an escape plan?"  I almost laughed out loud when I saw that.  Yes I do have an escape plan and it has nothing to do with a house fire.  I have it all planned out in my head and I know exactly how I would do it.  My problem is that, even though his behavior is horrible and abusive, I feel sorry for him.  And I'm also pissed off about all the money I put into us buying this house.  I'm going to have to walk away from alot of money which really has made me dig my heels in.

Clearmind - I could rent a room somewhere until I get situated, but I hate  to put out more money.  I don't want to involve my parents anymore than they are.  I'm 52 years old and don't want to go running to them even though I know they'd take me in in a minute. 

blecker - I know you're right.  He has been escalating for a couple of years, no question about it.  I've suggested help numerous times and he refuses.  He says he knows he has a problem and he'll deal with it.  Of course, he can't deal with it on his own, I know that. 

Since the other night he's already in his "I'm sorry" mode which means nothing to me any more.  I know I have some huge decisions to make.

[Broken Dreams]

Broken Dreams - Do you want to hear something funny.  There's a firehouse I pass by at times that has a billboard outside that says ":)o you have an escape plan?"  I almost laughed out loud when I saw that.  Yes I do have an escape plan and it has nothing to do with a house fire.  I have it all planned out in my head and I know exactly how I would do it.  My problem is that, even though his behavior is horrible and abusive, I feel sorry for him.  And I'm also pissed off about all the money I put into us buying this house.  I'm going to have to walk away from alot of money which really has made me dig my heels in.

You've got further than me, if you already have your 'escape plan' all worked out. Good for you! Now I guess all it takes is to do it... .  

I can't even seem to get that far. It would be a long distance move, and I have very little money. (I don't know anyone locally I could stay with). I'm coming to the conclusion that if I go through with it, there will be a lot of material things - a lot of my possessions - I'll just have to leave behind. But at the end of the day what's more important? Your material possessions, or your sanity, happiness - and espacially in your case safety?

I totally get you when you say you feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for my boyfriend too. I think to myself 'it's not his fault' etc. Well, that may or may not be true, but either way I don't think it really matters if it's making me ill and unhappy to stay here.

If only I'd follow my own advice... .  

blecker - I know you're right.  He has been escalating for a couple of years, no question about it.  I've suggested help numerous times and he refuses.  He says he knows he has a problem and he'll deal with it.  Of course, he can't deal with it on his own, I know that.

This just makes me think of the saying: 'actions speak louder than words'. I don't think him saying he will deal with it means anything; he has to be dealing with it for it to mean something. When will he deal with it? As far as I'm concerned the only reasonable answer to that is: NOW.

[Clearmind]

Clearmind - I could rent a room somewhere until I get situated, but I hate  to put out more money.  I don't want to involve my parents anymore than they are.  I'm 52 years old and don't want to go running to them even though I know they'd take me in in a minute. 

My friend, we are talking about your safety here!

What are your long term plans for you? Where do you see yourself in a year, 5 years?

[toomanyeggshells]

But at the end of the day what's more important? Your material possessions, or your sanity, happiness - and espacially in your case safety?

I tell myself all the time ... .  its not worth staying for the house and money.  I know in my head and in my heart I have to go, but so far I haven't had the guts to do it. 

What are your long term plans for you? Where do you see yourself in a year, 5 years?

The crazy thing is everyday I can see in my mind living a life without him.  I want to be able to travel to see my kids and visit friends and family without him raging because he feels ignored.  I see myself being happy, relaxed and not in fear of his outbursts. 

Every time I tell myself its the last time, but so far ... .