New Member

[optimismandlove]

I joined yesterday and am trying to navigate my way around.  From what I understand I need to make 25 posts before I can start a thread and many more to access Advanced topics?

I have been in my relationship with an uBPD for 3 years and everything I read here is so familiar.

The good thing is he is very high functioning, a medical doctor and has never self harmed.

He has been shocked by my very gentle suggestion that he exhibits traits of BPD and whilst I have observed 8 of 9 he can only see a few at the moment, in other words not enough to qualify him as BPD.   Unfortunately his measure of what it takes to be diagnosed with BPD is suicide attempts, cutting, drug and /or alcohol abuse and some criminal behaviour and poor work history.  He has never encountered the concept of a high performing person with BPD.

But, I will say since Friday he has been calmer, contemplative, more engaged and kind.

I think I have given him something to think about and explore.

I lay down my boundaries a few months ago and we have an unconventional arrangement that seems to work.

We each have our own homes but we primarily all eat together at my place each night, including my 17 and 9 yo sons whose father lives interstate.

We have 'sleepovers' on the weekends at his beautiful estate but know that we can return at any moment to our safe space.

Unfortunately my 9yo  son has witnessed some raging from my partner but  I quickly  remove him from the situation.   I sever contact and do not let him revisit until he is calm and collected.

I have recently taken my 9yo son with me to see my psychologist and it has become apparent

that it is very important for my son to see me stand up to my partner if he is acting inappropriately.  He does not want him to bully him or me.

I have promised to protect him more and not allow negative behaviours in our safe home.

The last 5 days have been peaceful as boundaries have been emphasised and insights gained.

I will no longer walk on eggshells.

I am not reliant on my partner for anything.

I own my own home and have good savings and we receive good child support from the boys father.

I have posted elsewhere on this site and feel like my story is disjointed.

I cant quite work out the chronology of the posts.   I feel like i am posting on threads that are old.  Im not sure how to join current topics of conversation.

Anyway, I will get there, its only early days.

The important thing is I have found this amazing site and I finally feel like I have connected with that family that was missing in mynlife.

I now realise just how dysfunctional my upbringing was with alcoholic parents who were schoolteachers.   My father was a strict disciplinarian who hit me with leather straps and his bare hand on my flesh and I was always tiny and frail.  I hated him often.  Especially when he woke us up on a dreaded Friday night after the pub closed and he staggered in with drunk so called friends who were the town drunks.  He would barge into my bedroom after midnight, turn the overhead lights on, pull back my covers and demand I get up and entertain his

friends.   It was terrifying.  I was  only 12 but I felt it was very inappropriate.   I had to get up and make supper with my mum and make conversation with the stinking drooling drunks and the music was blaring and he would start ridiculing me and telling me how they all thought I was hopeless.   I had nowhere to go.  Nowhere safe.  My mother got drunk to block him out and told me to just deal with it and that everything would be okay the next day.  

Whilst I was never sexually abused I felt violated in my own home.  Absolutely no privacy.

I still have confusing thoughts about my father.  He would try to barge into the bathroom knowing I was having a bath.  And shake the locked door.   Thats not right is it.  It was never spoken about.  Nothing was.   I was the high achieving, ever pleasing parentified child.  Furious that I couldn't tell a soul.   I was threatened all the time not to ever talk about our family, especially my father.   I was so alone in the world.  Always angry scared and alone.  My sister was 18 months younger and my brother 6 years younger so I protected  them all including my mother from my father.  I even hit him a few times when he was especially obnoxious.  I tried locking him out of our house but my mum let him in.

He is still outrageously inappropriate and sexualises everything.   Basically a dirty old man and when my mum is drunk she is like him.  Its awful.

I feel like I didnt have a childhood but I learned to play the clown at school and was a straight A student.  I was forbidden to choose my own subjects or courses and consequently did not complete my Arts degree.  I have remained a wasted failure in my fathers eyes my whole life.  

Fortunately i have travelled, livd in many places, met amazing people, married a safe husband who provided very well, produced two amazing sons, divorced amicably after 18 years then felt attracted to someone exciting and dangerous.   A tumultuous relationship for about 5 years.

Finally escaped.

Movd back to my hometown and hooked up with the love of my life who apparently is uBPD.

There have been soaring highs and devastating lows but I am eternally optimistic and will accept what comes out of me sharing my insights with him about BPD.

Life is an adventure

I am older, wiser, calmer, braver than I have ever been

I remember

[GeekyGirl]

Hi optimismandlove,

Welcome!   You're right--a few more boards will open up to you once you have 25+ posts under your belt. Until then, please feel free to join in the conversations here.

It sounds like you have had quite a wild ride with your partner, but it's good that you're setting and maintaining boundaries with him--that's an excellent thing to do for yourself and your sons. It makes sense that you'd want to set a good example for them. How is your 9 year old son doing now?

From what you've said, your father violated some serious boundaries when you were a child, and that can certainly affect us as adults. Do you see any similarities between your partner and your father personality-wise?

Although you've been through a lot, it's clear that you've done some wonderful things, and I agree that life is indeed an adventure. How can we best help you?

-GG

[optimismandlove]

Thank you gg

My 9yo is improving.  He is enjoying having an open dialogue with me about any concerns he has.  He is lighter, more optimistic and feeling secure in the knowledge that he is my first priority.  I am talking openly to him more often about his father and relaying all the good times I had with him.  

You ask if I see any similarities between my father and partner.   When he rages, yes.

At least now I have a safe place to go to, unlike  in my  childhood.

Now it is my choice to have this person in my life or not and on my own terms so the dynamics are very different.


I am  no longer a victim

I accepted many years ago that my parents are incapable of change

I have optimism and hope that my partner will learn to manage his disordered emotions and reactions better

I am in a good place

Thanks again for being here

[GeekyGirl]

You do have more control over your current situation than you did while you were growing up, and it's good that you do have a safe place to go when your partner rages.

I accepted many years ago that my parents are incapable of change

I have optimism and hope that my partner will learn to manage his disordered emotions and reactions better

It's important to recognize that your parents cannot change. While that can be frustrating, it can motivate you to develop and empower yourself rather than rely on your parents to change. How motivated is your partner to change his behaviors?

[optimismandlove]

Hello gg

Yes, I fully have accepted my parents can not change.  i am at peace with that.

As for you asking if my partner is motivated to change I can only optimistically and hesitantly surmise that he could possibly be on the brink of realisation/readiness to reach out.

As I have stepped right back I am merely observing what he appears to be doing with his money.

To be honest I am nervous for him and feel he may be continuing to gamble to pay his upcoming tax bill.   I am not sure if you have read my post in BPD and money but he has a catastrophic pathological gambling problem.   Having lost 1.6 million in one year.

He has gambled every cent he has earned and all the credit on his cards.  Absolute disaster but he has the ability to turn it all around when he chooses to as he works extremely hard and earns high salary.

All I can do is keep myself and my sons safe and be here for him when he is humble. 

He is aware I have stepped back and am allowing him to fully experience the natural consequences of his choices and actions. 

It would be very sad if he has to sell the beautiful historic homestead he bought last year but I accept that may happen and have told him I will help prepare it for sale.  I have had great success in real estate.

To protect my heart I have let go of dreams of living in the grand homestead and am more than happy living in y own modest home and am even considering moving to the city my son will attend uni in.

Life is good and what we make of it.

There is a fabulous electrical storm rumbling around and the air is tingling and energising.  Loving it!

Optimismandlove

[optimismandlove]

The more I post and read here the more I realise I am codependent.   What is the best thread to access regarding this and understanding the links between childhood and adult behaviour?

I will also ask my psychologist this Thursday

Thanks

[ScarletOlive]

Hi optimismandlove, good for you for seeing a T! That is so helpful and good. Your radical acceptance of your parents is really excellent. It's a hard step to take, and it's great that you can do that. I can also see how the way your dad acted growing up would affect your future relationships. I'm sorry for what you went through with him. I don't know if you've seen the Survivor's Guide on the sidebar here, but that is a really great resource, as are the lessons at the very top of the Healing board. Keep taking care of yourself and posting.

The more I post and read here the more I realise I am codependent.   What is the best thread to access regarding this and understanding the links between childhood and adult behaviour?

There is a workshop on Codependence: TOOLS: Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence

What do you think?