Serial Bully in the family

[krista8521]

I have had a recent contact with my Mother in Law who is also a BPD.

We started a no contact with her almost 10 months ago due to her outrageous behavior.

My Husband and I have made zero contact with her, but she still sends vicious letters, hang up calls,drive buys,harassing letters to Husbands work.

Our therapist and other wise people from this site say do not respond, to not give her that attention she wants.

When someone used the word attention, it hit a nerve.

That's what she does, just vies for attention any way she can get it.

She has had 76 surgical procedures, at one doctor after another and none of it seems necessary at all.

Well in the midst of trying to keep my cool after her latest garbage, I ran across this article/study on Serial Bullies and the different types.

I was shocked to see how MIL fits the attention seeking narcissistic bully to a tee.

I also noticed that BPD is mentioned in some of the categories of bullies.

I wish I had known about this a long time ago, I think it could have spared my family some grief over the years.

You may want to look at it and see if your loved one fits these groups along with BPD.

The link will be provided below

www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm

[losthero]

Good article.  My mom is definitely an attention seeking bully.  Just tonight she called me every profane word she knows just because I wouldnt take off work and drive 6 hours to her house to take her to get yet another medical test done.  I have lost count of ow many factitious or exaggerated illnesses she has had.  Are you glad you went no contact?  Are you more sane now? 

[krista8521]

  Hello LostHero,

oh boy is life easier without this woman in it. I spent years telling my Husband "his mother is a vicious trouble maker" he always dismissed it as "that's just how ma is", that is until he got a dose of her abuse first hand.

She always did everything really sneaky and under handed and my Husband never connected it, I did.

She was the root of so many arguments between us and he wouldn't listen to me.

A year ago we actually separated for 3 months over his mother, married 21 years at the time.

During that separation she moved in like the predator she is, he couldn't get away from her. She showed up at his work, blew up his cell phone daily, wanted him to report into her every minute where he was going what he was doing etc...

She tried renting a apartment next to hers in this old age retirement place, couldn't understand why he refused to do that.

It basically was "emotional incest" not sure if you have ever read about it, but that's what it was.

I get a call one morning from my Husband, he had gone to the ER, he thought he was having a heart attack. (panic attack) was the problem. He was waiting to be discharged because there was no physical aliment, his mother comes into the ER and starts screaming "oh my GOD wheres my Son!" this is after he told her nothing was wrong and he is waiting to leave.

She runs past the nurses station screaming "he had a heart attack!" they tell her to stop, he is fine and will be out in a minute, she keeps up this screaming "that's my SON, no one will stop me!" I was asked by my Husband to pick him up on a side street.

He grabbed his stuff and ran out of the hospital without discharge, right past her. he he

That's when he said "what the hell is wrong with her?" and we decided to save our marriage and go into therapy. Thats when he was told by Doctors that his Mother is probably BPD, Narcissistic. He was educated on how to set boundaries with her and why she behaves the way she does.

As soon as he tried to set boundaries she reacted like a child throwing tantrums, guilt trips etc... .  

Then we went no contact and she went off on a rampage, mostly blaming me for it.

She has filed false animal abuse reports, child abuse reports, health dept./yard violation reports/sent us defaced pictures of our children/disowning him letters/guilt letters/I get weight loss articles sent, ugly emails, and the latest is my car caught on fire and got out of control, the fire dept had a hard time getting it out and the house almost caught fire, there was a article in the local paper and she clipped it out, sent it on her stationary, no return address, her writing and wrote ha ha too bad!.

Thats how I ended up here for support and help dealing with this woman.

The NC has improved our marriage incredibly the fighting has diminished and the rage and stress I had bottled up is elevated with my husband finally seeing his mother with her mask off for the first time.

She even harasses our neighbors because we are friendly with them. They just came over Sunday and said she was stopped at the end of our drive way Friday early AM.

Thats why I wanted to file a cease and desist, but people think it gives her the attention she wants so bad.

As for your mother and her demands, do you set boundaries with her and stick to them regardless of the names and rages?

If not, and one day you decided to go NC, you need to make sure you have all your corners covered, because if she is anything like MIL, they look for any weakness to exploit you and "punish" you for protecting yourself.

I have no doubt that my MIL has Munchausen Syndrome, because my Husband was put through unnecessary medical hell as a child, now that he is grown she does it to herself and her dog now.

I have heard people say that no Doctor will do unnecessary procedures on people, but my MIL threw a tantrum over getting these eye stints put in, she to went to a specialist hours away that my husband drove her to, 3 doctors told her no. She carried on so bad that her original doctor just did the procedure. After they were in for a month, they fell out and low and behold MILs eyes were not a problem any more.

The last time, she was so intrigued by my neck/back injections, she suddenly had back problems and is now getting those injections. I know full well she never had any issues with her back or neck, but now they are doing this on her.  ?

You really need to look into the depth of your mothers complaints and issues, I can guarantee you will be shocked at the things you discover about her.

[losthero]

OMG!  Our stories are so similar but my mom is the BPD narcissist.  We have tried to set boundries and wound up with her making false child abuse allegations. Calling the police on me telling them I stole from her.  She has raged and tore up all of our pictures.  She tries to isolate me from other family members and tells lies about us.  I feel bad because my dad retired in a state away from her family and 6 hours from me.  She rarely has friends. When she does they are inappropriate alcoholics or addicted to pain meds. My dad died 4 years ago and this has made her 10 times worse.  She pathologically lies about illnesses and injuries to make me feel bad about not moving her back down here.  We tried after my dad died and she COMPLETELY took over my life. Tried to break up my marriage and was jealous of my minor children.  She faked heart attacks and overdoses when I tried to go to work or go home to clean my own house.  I was not allowed to spend any time with my friends, spouse or kids or she would cry and say she wanted to die.  Finally we had a terrible argument and she moved back to her old city 6 hours away.  Now she guilts me long distance with her endless illnesses.  I cant take it anymore. I let her rent way too much space in my head all the time and am in a constant state of anxiety.  I fantasize about no contact but feel guilty because she has no one else.  Boundries are useless with her as it just makes her even more unstable and she has NO concept of compromise as things have to be her way or no way.

[tiredmommy2]

Great list - sounds just like my mother! She's not a borderline at all though; she's a malignant narcissist aka a sociopath.

My mother has stalked me, reported me for child abuse (total b.s., I promise), accused me of stealing from her while she actually was robbing me blind, tried to make my husband want to divorce me, tried to turn my children against me, tried her best to ruin my reputation in this community by spreading lies and some truths (yes, I was hospitalized as a teen for having a nervous breakdown, but does everyone need to know that?), actually kidnapped my children and so much more.  I tried to implement strong boundaries, but she almost always trampled right over them, so it was useless. I couldn't take it anymore and ended all contact with this woman almost 2 years ago - it was the best decision I ever made in my life.  My only regret is that I didn't do this 20 years ago!

Krista, you've absolutely done the right thing.  If you want a chance at enjoying your life and having a happy marriage, then keep maintaining NC.  I also agree with your T - do not respond to anything if you can help it. If I were you I'd save the letters and document the calls and any other of her harassing behaviors to take to the police to get a restraining order. She'll be getting plenty of attention after that because every time she violates the order, you'll be calling the police who will promptly come and arrest her.

As for your mother and her demands, do you set boundaries with her and stick to them regardless of the names and rages?

If not, and one day you decided to go NC, you need to make sure you have all your corners covered, because if she is anything like MIL, they look for any weakness to exploit you and "punish" you for protecting yourself.

That's exactly right - you set your boundaries and let go of the outcome. Your MIL is on the severe end of the spectrum here, and sounds very dangerous - this is why it's good to collect evidence and get your restraining order.  Don't give this woman any more chances to ruin your life. And please don't worry about her - when it's clear that she's getting no where with you, she will find another victim.

[krista8521]

  Hello To the both of you and thanks for sharing your stories!

As for Tired Mom, you do not have to defend yourself to me or anyone else, I know how they twist, exaggerate, and lie.

I didn't do any of the above and she still manages to tell/file false complaints.

My T also said they same thing about her losing credibility with her constant complaints that prove fruitless, but its still the point that my Husband and I have to be violated like this every time MIL is having one of her melt downs.

It's incredible that MIL has the power to get Law Enforcement at are door, wanting to come in and walk around all because we wouldn't cower to one of MILS demands like getting a divorce etc... .

Could you imagine getting in a tiff with a co worker and having the authority to have the Government go over to their house and do what boils down to a search warrant on their home because you got slighted by them earlier in the day?

Well that's what MIL does to us.

Sure you can say no, but you are only escalating the situation and making yourself look guilty.

What makes me the sickest is, I am a former Juvenile Correction worker, I am 43 and one of my goals was to buy a bigger home in the next three years and do Foster Care, our Children would be close to 18 and working with teens is something I hold dearly.

Now that MIL made false claims, despite being cleared of it, it's on the record and anytime in the future should I choose to go back to Youth work or Foster Care, I will have to explain myself and have it looked at or reopened prior to getting the clearance to work again in that field. That enrages me beyond belief.

Despite being innocent, MIL puts a cloud over our good name.

I also resent how this woman manages to invoke these feelings in me, I know I am in control of my own emotions but I am human and it's eating me sometimes.

I also believe in the law of attraction, what ever you harbor in your heart, you attract to you. Positive people attractive postive people, positive situations and lives.

Negative, resentment,anger will also do the same, invite or attract that to your life. I have such a hard time trying to dissolve these volatile feelings I have against this woman and what she has done over the years to my husband, children,pets, and me.

I don't know how deep the abuse you both have endured over the years, but it sounds bad or worse then what we have received.

Never underestimate what they are capable of, I would always suppress the feelings I had for this woman, thinking that my anger was causing me to be over bias of the situation, but in the end, my instincts were 100% correct. She is dangerous like you suggested.

There has been 3 horrible tragic domestic violence's in the family over the years. One woman died, one almost died, and one ended up in prison for three years. The common denominator in all three of these events was my MIL interfering in the marriages.Relentless butting into the situation just egging it on.Then when the tragedy struck, she becomes some hero who tried so hard to prevent something like this happening. (yeah right)

My MIL also befriends alcoholics and plays the savior, shes gonna save them etc... . Yet her own daughter who will not be alive much longer from her drinking, MIL never bats a eye at the situation.

This is not about care or love, its about getting attention and making herself look good.

All I have left to say is, if this person causes you the grief that is undeniable, run don't walk from the situation. Never feel obligated because they are family, its literally about survival.

[tiredmommy2]

All I have left to say is, if this person causes you the grief that is undeniable, run don't walk from the situation. Never feel obligated because they are family, its literally about survival.

I couldn't have said it better myself. I guess the people who sit in judgement of me for "abandoning" my poor old mother don't quite have a concept of this, or the common sense to understand that adult children don't just walk around cutting off contact with their parents for no good reason.  More often than not, it's taken many, many years of abuse to get pushed to a point where we feel like we have no other option.

I also believe in the law of attraction, what ever you harbor in your heart, you attract to you. Positive people attractive postive people, positive situations and lives.

Negative, resentment,anger will also do the same, invite or attract that to your life. I have such a hard time trying to dissolve these volatile feelings I have against this woman and what she has done over the years to my husband, children,pets, and me.

I believe this as well, yet continue to struggle.  I find myself feeling angry and resentful, but hope that this will dissipate over time as I continue to heal... .   I have friends who have maintained NC for much longer than I have, and they are doing great, so there is hope for this to improve over time.

Now that MIL made false claims, despite being cleared of it, it's on the record and anytime in the future should I choose to go back to Youth work or Foster Care, I will have to explain myself and have it looked at or reopened prior to getting the clearance to work again in that field. That enrages me beyond belief.

Despite being innocent, MIL puts a cloud over our good name.

Who could blame you for being furious about this?  Anyone would be! It's a d*mn shame that the allegations of a crazy person could create so many obstacles in your life.