Why do they tell little pointless lies?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Here's a question of curiosity.

My ex would somewhat regularly tell other people these really insignificant pointless lies when there was really no point to not tell the truth.

Something so stupid as to why she couldn't do something or meet up with a relative or whatever, she would just excuse herself by telling a silly lie.

Wondering why

[fakename]

Here's a question of curiosity.

My ex would somewhat regularly tell other people these really insignificant pointless lies when there was really no point to not tell the truth.

Something so stupid as to why she couldn't do something or meet up with a relative or whatever, she would just excuse herself by telling a silly lie.

Wondering why

[wanttoknowmore]

My pwBPD tells lies smoothly... little lies.  I asked her why she tells lies... .  She said "it doesnot hurt anyone and keeps everyone happy." I noted the pattern of her lies... mostly they were harmless and her goal was to please everyone happy. As an example: She is with me in a restourant and her daughter calls asking where are you... mom? She say... sweety... I am looking for the best lunch for you... what would you like to have for lunch?  I knoe her intention is not malicious... she is basically a people pleaser.

[findingmyselfagain]

Who really knows? But I'd echo wanttoknowmore... .  mine said things like "trying to keep everyone happy" so I believe it was to "protect herself" from abandonment from something that would seem very trivial to us.

[Distraught-m-in-mn]

Same thing here.  I've gotten used to just not believing anything they as a being 100% true.  If its not an outright lie, it's truth with a lot of spin. 

The worst though is when they involve you in the lie.  And then tell two different people two versions of the story, and then you have to remember who to tell what too.  I've definitely screwed that up and woke the 'witch' trait. 

It's especially challenging because my dad was extreme passionate in teaching me to never lie. That honest is the most important thing, to being a man.  So I'm horrible at it and have had little practice. 

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

Here's a question of curiosity.

My ex would somewhat regularly tell other people these really insignificant pointless lies when there was really no point to not tell the truth.

Something so stupid as to why she couldn't do something or meet up with a relative or whatever, she would just excuse herself by telling a silly lie.

Wondering why

I am wondering why THE WHOLE TIME too! He'd lied so many times in any circumstance, till the point that I don't know what to believe, what not to believe from him. I just don't believe what he says anymore!

[gettingoverit]

It's practice for the real whopers they are going to tell when they inevitably paint you black and make you their abuser. 

[laelle]

It's practice for the real whopers they are going to tell when they inevitably paint you black and make you their abuser. 

ROFL, that is exactly what I was going to say.   

[Distraught-m-in-mn]

... .  related to the lies... .  dont you also love the double standards?

I've seen it flip flop four times in 30min's... .  It's YOUR FAULT!... .  No... .  wait... .  its all mine... .  im sorry im such a horrible person... .  No... .  wait... .  It really IS your fault... .  no... .  wait... .  its both of us.

Highly summarized... .  but still... .  its such a roller coaster.  It feels really really good, to be off the ride for now, and just watching it from the ground.

[GreenMango]

My experience was the lies had a lot do with accountability and avoidance.  Knowing something was screwed up but not wanting to be held responsible for making it right.  I don't think mine had much for conflict resolution skills.  Avoidance because what every was going on that needed a lie helped to manage/justify to lie.

But I withheld, lied by omission, too.  Things that I knew would cause an inappropriate reaction or tantrum.  I did this a lot.  

It went both ways.

[sad but wiser]

Hello distraught!  The pointless lies mine told were bridges to the big ones he wanted me to agree to by degrees.  Never, by the way, should you compromise your own sense of ethics for the other person.  One sure way to destroy yourself and the relationship is to do something you find unconsionable.  Mine wanted to call in sick for him when we were first married.  I did it once or twice, even though I didn't really agree with it.  I've never forgotten that he got me to compromise myself.  Then, he was able to justify his view that I was a liar.  Sweet, huh?

[fakename]

here's a perfect example, and its interesting because of how i presume she ended choosing that particular lie... .  

she was trying to sell some furniture online, someone responded saying they had interest and was wondering if they could come take a look at it, but said that they had a crazy work schedule. anyway,over email, they agreed on a time and day, but he got busy with work and asked if he could show up a couple hours later, she first replied that she would let him know in a bit, and then replies that she cant because she was working late, which just wasnt true.

so, i just thought it was interesting. because its just such a pointless lie, could have easily just said sorry that doesnt work for me, but she chooses to extend the frame of thought by ending it with a lie.

i have some inkling she chose the work story so she could form a sort of commonality between herself and the potential buyer/stranger?

i subscribe to the belief that there is no point in trying to figure out logic behind their thinking, but just thought this was interesting and a good example of her pointless lies

[GreenMango]

Anyone lie to them self about the relationship?

[sad but wiser]

Good point, Green Mango!  All the time!  How else could I stay? I pretended the relationship hadn't changed drastically because the other option was unthinkable.  Can anyone say 1984?

[Cumulus]

I don't think there is any way to know. For my XH it was just the way he was. He had mastered the art of not only the out right lie but truth laced with deception, and that was impossible for me to ever understand. It is probably the single most unresolved issue I have now that I am well out of the relationship. If I had to guess why he lied continuously I would say, it had become habit, he enjoyed confabulating others, it gave him a feeling of power over others, I know something you don't, it allowed him to manipulate people and situations, it kept me in the dark and totally gaslighted. He was extremely skilled at lying. I believe it is a key part of the illness.

[laelle]

Anyone lie to them self about the relationship?

***Raises hand.

[Cumulus]

Hi green mango. Your question came in as I was typing. For me the answer is no. I knew what the relationship was and wasn't. I knew he was not emotionally available to me or vested in the relationship yet I chose to stay. Whole other topic that! He was living a second life that I was unaware of. If I had found out that would have been the deal breaker, marriage ender right then at whatever time. But, because of his amazing ability to lie so well and mine to be willingly blind I had invested years, love, energy and compassion into the marriage before I discovered the tip of the iceberg of his lies. He had invested relatively little. That I believe is another reason they are able to move on to a new relationship so quickly as we ponder and think and post.

[Dave44]

For me, I found myself lying to other people about our relationship. Nothing to crazy but it did happen. That should of been a huge red flag for me. I also lied a lot by omission. For example, when people asked how our first date went and what we did I said "it went great! We met for coffee at Starbucks". I neglected to tell them the truth that she brought her 8 year old daughter and we met at a playground where I brought coffee. It showed that I knew it was wrong or at the very least odd that she choose to bring her daughter for our first meeting. Stupid me.

[GreenMango]

I lied a lot about the relationship too to others.  I hid a lot of sketchy things.  Same reasons as you Dave.

[sad but wiser]

Damage control, protecting his public image.  If I didn't, we might have to move, or word might get around and he wouldn't be able to find work again (like he was really going to try - ha ha ha) or we might not be able to continue relationships with our friends... .  

[mango_flower]

For my ex, I believe it was to make herself feel worthy.

A couple of things she lied about were about people contacting her first, or texting saying certain things.  When I said "Aw that's sweet, show me the texts?" she was like "errr, I deleted them". (really?  who deletes texts these days?).  Another example was when she tracked down her half sister on facebook and told me one day she'd got a message from her and she had wanted to get to know my ex.  I was quite excited (this was before I knew about the BPD) and asked "Oh can I see the messages?  Exciting!" so she quite happily showed me, but the first one was FROM my ex to her half-sister, not the other way round as claimed.  When I asked her about this, she said facebook must have been playing up, and that her half-sister had DEFINITELY made the first contact with her, but it just wasn't showing... .  

It's actually really sad.  She feels so worthless that it makes her feel better thinking that other people are reaching out to her, and that is the story she tells. Not that she is ever reaching out to others. 

That always broke my heart.

[fakename]

hahah mango_flower,

my ex would always do the same thing. say someone else reached out to them first, when in fact she reached out first.

my ex would also always delete texts so she could make it look like the norm for her, so she wouldnt have to worry about any incriminating or cheating texts, because she always deleted everything right away, and there's no grounds for me to be suspicious because she always deletes texts, its just what she does.  such a conniving girl she was.

funny how they put so much thought and calculation into some of their actions, but usually those actions aren't productive at all. oh well. not my problem anymore...

[jaird]

Funny, but I never found my ex to lie during the beginning or middle of our 27 month relationship, however during the last six months, and the three months since the breakup, I have found her to be telling several small, inconsequential lies. I really believe it is a combination of stress, and the fact that she is lying to herself, and just repeats the lie to convince herself.

Please allow me to plug this book I just got from Amazon.com, as it appears to be great:

Boomerang Love, Breaking Free from Abusive Borderline Relationships

Written by a woman who was married to a BPD man for decades. It is a chronological history of her feelings and how and why she finally had to let him go.

[fakename]

Hey laird.

Think you can briefly summarize why she felt she eventually had to let him go?

[NonBPDSpouse]

Mine lies about basically anything... Some lies are completely meaningless and insignificant, some are important.

I would ask her to take care of something with a deadline.  When I would follow up she would proudly say it was taken care of, when really she never did anything. sometimes, she would even try to back me off by screaming at me for questioning her... .  

A very irresponsible person.

I have been dealing with this behavior for 25 years. After a while, I realized that I should take care of all matters of importance.

[marbleloser]

People are untruthful.They may be untruthful to make themselves look better to another,to keep from getting in trouble for doing something they aren't supposed

to do,and for some it's the actual way they perceive events to have taken place.For the most part,society doesn't care if you are untruthful.

"I did not have sex with that woman!" was a whopper that basically carried no consequences.People accepted that he would lie,because he didn't

want to get caught.

An observation I've made on these boards is that for the most part,honesty is thought highly of by most everyone posting.It's a part of who we are

and a trait we value in ourselves and others.Not everyone shares these views,but we project what we value onto other people.If we think it's

important,others must also.The question becomes,if this is something we value so much,in ourselves and others,does it become a boundary?When

we let someone cross that boundary,often multiple times,we then yell "foul!" because they "lied to us".Of course they lied.It's a part of who THEY

are.What we have to do is remember our boundary,so that when we find out an untruth( a red flag) we don't continue to let someone cross that boundary with

us.

The second biggest hurt that I felt after my affair was that I compromised my integrity.I had lied to keep from getting caught.I did come clean,even though

I could have continued lying and knowone would have been wiser.It was my own conscience and that I allowed myself to cross my own boundary that

I couldn't live with.In a sense,someone who continuously is untruthful,has no conscience.You'll find that they also lack empathy.Another trait

that most here value highly.It makes us who we are.

So,be greatful that you have these traits.Others see it in you.See them in yourself and hold fast to them.When you come across someone untruthful in

the future,and you find that they are untruthful often,you'll know that you need no part of them in your lives.You've lived it and can learn from it.

[jaird]

Hey laird.

Think you can briefly summarize why she felt she eventually had to let him go?

I just started the book last night. But it seems she was married to this man for quite a while, and every day was hell in some way. I guess that about says it all. He refused treatment, and she finally gave up and had to take care of herself.