I wrote a letter to my ex-BPD Wife

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I wrote a letter to my ex-BPD Wife... .  I haven't sent it.  It is sitting on my desk at home.

And it is beautiful.  Not insulting, not overly analytical, not accusatory, not hateful.

It was merely a testament to why I loved her, and always will.  We were loyal to one another, but we couldn't make it work.  

There are no pleas to return to her in this two page letter.   No pathetic begging or apologies.  It is powerful and straight to the point, recapping the most important parts of our relationship how I choose to remember the good times we had instead of sending a verbal assault of why she angered me so much.  I found that to be wasted energy.

I would love to re-post it but some of it is too personal.   All I will say is that it was incredibly therapeutic... .  and the people on this board have to do it.  You don't have to send it to them, for them, just do it for yourself.

Thanks.

[expos]

I wrote a letter to my ex-BPD Wife... .  I haven't sent it.  It is sitting on my desk at home.

And it is beautiful.  Not insulting, not overly analytical, not accusatory, not hateful.

It was merely a testament to why I loved her, and always will.  We were loyal to one another, but we couldn't make it work.  

There are no pleas to return to her in this two page letter.   No pathetic begging or apologies.  It is powerful and straight to the point, recapping the most important parts of our relationship how I choose to remember the good times we had instead of sending a verbal assault of why she angered me so much.  I found that to be wasted energy.

I would love to re-post it but some of it is too personal.   All I will say is that it was incredibly therapeutic... .  and the people on this board have to do it.  You don't have to send it to them, for them, just do it for yourself.

Thanks.

[Rose Tiger]

Neat idea, expos. I found when I went to the 'what I liked' line of thought, I would need to counterbalance it with 'what I didn't like'.  I think writing both sides is a good idea.

[expos]

Neat idea, expos. I found when I went to the 'what I liked' line of thought, I would need to counterbalance it with 'what I didn't like'.  I think writing both sides is a good idea.

I agree.  I did address some things that did not work but didn't give specific examples.  I chose to focus on what bonded us and DID make us function as a couple.  It really was the inner workings of our relationship, how strong it was, etc.  The goal here is to not create any more damage or spin our wheels - it's merely my emotional release from the very bottom of my heart that I choose to project as honestly as possible.

[expos]

Update - this will probably be given to her next week.   I will have all weekend to look over it and make sure it's exactly what I want to say.  I actually printed it out and showed it to a female friend of mine who is familiar with my situation.  She thought it was a truly beautiful letter, and stated that my ex-wife was really lucky to have had me in her life, as she has never read a testament to love that endearing and real herself.   It felt so good to hear these things from people who really care about you.

Writing this letter was my move towards releasing those awful, depressed feelings.  Seeing what I've written, in pure physical format, really does make a statement and I urge you all to write (even if you know you are not capable of giving the BPD the letter).

I will update this thread if my ex-wife actually responds to it.

 

[Rose Tiger]

You are a sweet person.  I have a question for you.  Why are you sending a nice caring letter to someone that was unkind to you? 

[expos]

You are a sweet person.  I have a question for you.  Why are you sending a nice caring letter to someone that was unkind to you? 

We left on bad terms when I asked to separate.  She ran away.  I tried to leave on good terms several weeks ago but she was incredibly cruel to me in person... .  I take it that she is still hurt. 

I am giving this to her.  She will have to live with my written words, as opposed to seeing me in the flesh and having the opportunity for rebuttal.  Having this statement will give her a lot of time to process to what she has done, and what I was to her.  It is truthful, powerful, and sooner or later she'll have to confront our relationship.  I was not some boyfriend, I was her husband, her soulmate.   

I expect nothing in return... .  the personal satisfaction of her having this in her possession is good enough.   If she wants to meet face to face, I will be ready. 

[Rose Tiger]

If I sent something like that to my ex, he might see it as my willingness to continue to be abused.  My inner child says, no way on anymore of that.

Disordered people don't confront, they split, they devalue, they create 'facts'.  I've seen people on this site, nicely contacting their prior partners and getting slammed for 'harrassment' and threats of restraining orders.  They don't think like we do, unfortunately.  What you are looking to convey is not likely to be understood.  A normal person thinks, dang, I lost a really good thing.  Disordered people do not think that at all.

[fromheeltoheal]

Disordered people don't confront, they split, they devalue, they create 'facts'. 

Perfect.

I recommend you look closely at your reasons for giving her that letter.  If writing it and reading it is therapeutic for you, by all means do it, even share it with people who care about you.

And if it was me, I'd have another agenda if I gave it to her.  A end of a relationship with a BPD lacks closure, and me giving her a letter would also come with the hope that she would acknowledge and validate my feelings towards her; she didn't actually acknowledge or validate my feelings for the entire relationship, although the words sometimes sounded like it, so that would be me still trying to get what I never got, and she probably isn't capable of giving.  Letting it go without closure is tough and confusing, but if there was real connection, we'd still be together.

[expos]

If I sent something like that to my ex, he might see it as my willingness to continue to be abused.  My inner child says, no way on anymore of that.

Disordered people don't confront, they split, they devalue, they create 'facts'.  I've seen people on this site, nicely contacting their prior partners and getting slammed for 'harrassment' and threats of restraining orders.  They don't think like we do, unfortunately.  What you are looking to convey is not likely to be understood.  A normal person thinks, dang, I lost a really good thing.  Disordered people do not think that at all.

I'm going to be selfish for once and make this about me.  Even though she is uBPD, I do believe that she able to internalize what I've written to an extent.  She will live with my final words whether she likes or not.  Then, I'm gone.  

 

[Rose Tiger]

I wrote some things to him for me, I kind of knew it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense to him but it just felt so good to say some things.  I suppose that was my closure.

[expos]

I wrote some things to him for me, I kind of knew it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense to him but it just felt so good to say some things.  I suppose that was my closure.

Exactly.  I also believe I took the high road, and continued to be my strong, stable self.   

Just to update this thread, the letter was mailed Friday.  My therapist read it, loved it, and told me that I must send it her. 

She will receive it tomorrow.  I'll follow up whatever the result.

[Alvino]

Expos,

I do hope this will give you the closure you look for - but frankly it might be throwing fire on the issue and could be seen by her as an invitation to re-engage and a confirmation that she still has power over you. If it was me, I would make sure not to start another round of an unhealthy dance.