He wants help

[pk]

My dBPDHubby is in therapy and has been (again) for about 8 months.  He is really beginning to see his BPD for the first time although it seems to be a huge shock for him- like being told everything you ever thought is not real.  Anyway, he see his Black and White thinking is really a problem in his life and he wants help with this.  Of course his T is helping him but she seems to be focusing on other issues (poor guy has enough of them).  He wanted me to ask those of you that have traveled the journey with your partner- Is there a technique or trick, process or exercise that can help him see everyone as human- not perfect, not criminal, not better than him, just human.

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[Cloudy Days]

What kind of treatment is he getting? My husband saw a therapist for years without any real change noticed during treatment. Eventually he stopped getting therapy and had a breakdown. After that I researched a little more into BPD and made and appointment for DBT therapy. After about 4 months of treatment I started seeing a difference in him. It's been about 9 months now that he's been getting therapy and he will openly talk about his problems with me and is actually very interested in learning more about what is wrong with him. We had really great discussion on dissasociation last night, he had no idea that it was a symptom, he didn't even really know what it was. I had no idea it was something he does either. I think the more they know about what is going on the more they can make a conscience effort to stop the behavior.

Anyways, my husband still splits quite regularly. I think it's just one of those things that they have to go through the steps to unlearn it because it's so ingrained in how they think. My husband snaps out of it much quicker than he used to though.

[maryy16]

About a year ago, my BPDh finally came to the realization that he cannot trust his perspective on situations, mainly because of him painting everything and everybody black. 

So I began, very gently, pointing out to him when he started in with his negative attitude towards things that he was not seeing things correctly.  He has lived his 50 years thinking that everyone is doing him wrong, so he was totally unaware of when it is appropriate to become angry and when it is not.  I have told him that he is not judge, jury, and executioner.  That he has no right to judge others, nobody made him king.

For example, he has terrible road rage and honks at anyone who he even slightly thinks is doing something "wrong".  We were in a crowded parking lot and we were looking for a place to park. Well, the car in front of us pulled into a spot, but didn't quite make in all the way into the spot, so they reversed and tried to repark.  BPDh started honking at them and saying things like "dumb___, can't you even park correctly" and "move that piece of ~".

I told him right then and there that he was completely out of line and that many times he has had to repark and did that make him a "dumb___ or a "piece of ~"? I followed that up by saying that I would not allow him to drive anymore if he acted like that again.  (In the past, I have taken his keys away when he's raging, so he knows I will follow through with that threat). I didn't say anything else and did not go on and on.  Just simply made my point and let it go.

Now normally, #1 I would have never said anything and #2 if I did, it would have erupted into a HUGE fight spoiling the entire day.  But, since he had asked for help, I felt that I needed to point out to him when he was acting inappropriately.  Surprisingly, this time, he actually stopped, was silent for about 10 minutes, and then began acting completely normal.  He hasn't honked at anyone again, at least not when I am in the car.

So, at least in my case, making him aware of his inappropriate behavior, as he is doing it as opposed to just saying "remember that time you did... .  " has seemed to work best for us.

Good luck.

[Cloudy Days]

I told him right then and there that he was completely out of line and that many times he has had to repark and did that make him a "dumb___ or a "piece of ~"?

My husband wouldn't go for this. He is still very sensitive if you tell him he is over reacting or doing something "wrong". He has started to ask me though if I feel like he is over reacting. On the occasions that he has asked I usually Validate first before I give him the truth. I remember telling him that I can see why he is upset but I felt like the anger associated with it was way more than needed. He calmed down pretty quickly once I did that.

[maryy16]

Give him time.  My BPDh was like that when he first realized that he needed help.  He would still react badly if I said anything to him... .  mainly because that is what he has always done.  He didn't know how to react any differently.  I remember telling him once, "you asked me for help, so this is how I am helping you". I think you are doing the right thing by validating first. The fact that he is asking you, is the first step.

I have also explained to him that it is okay to be angry and upset and frustrated, but it is his reaction to the situations that needs to change. 

[yeeter]

The right therapy approach makes a difference.

DBT.  Schema.  And Mentalization methods are most often recommended.  Can he ask his T about some of these?

Its a great sign that he is willing to get help, and is open to input from you.   

[pk]

He is getting DBT but is anxious to speed things up.  He can now see that he has thought person "A" was terrible or that person"B" is on such a  pedestal that if they do anything to break his image of them that they crash to the ground and then they are painted black too.  But he can't seem to gather the reasoning that everybody is good and bad and it is just a human condition.  I continue to correct him when he says to me "you are perfect" because to me it was a symptom of his BPD and to him it was a compliment on how he puts me on a pedestal.  I have talking to him about how I don't want on the pedestal that I am human and I do bad things and good things etc.  I was just hoping there was some simple exercise that would help him to see the "grey area" in people is OK and worth loving too.

If you think of an exercise, let me know.  There is a compassion exercise "putting yourself in someones shoes" that might help but his mind does not WANT him to see the good in his "bad" people and the bad in his "good" people. 

I am excited that he is wanting to be a mentally healthier person and will continue to encourage that.

[LetItBe]

Thanks, pk, for asking such a valuable question!  I'll be following this thread with great interest.  My uBPDbf has begun noticing how he has the same pattern.  So glad your guy is seeing himself more clearly, too, and that he's motivated to heal!

[arabella]

I'm not sure if this will help at all, but with my dBPDh I have taken to helping him 'see' the good in 'bad' people. So when he gets going on a tangent painting someone black, I validate his feelings, and then I suggest some positive qualities to offset the negative OR I offer an alternative explanation/excuse for their behaviour. For example, if someone cuts him off in traffic, he starts cursing... .  Me: "It's so frustrating to get cut off in traffic. I know that it stresses you out when you're driving. It's okay. That driver was really rude, I don't know, maybe he's on his way to the hospital or something. He's in a big rush, better him than us." It just sort of sticks the idea in his head that maybe there is more to it than the black 'other drivers are jerks' mentality.

I've also, in a light-hearted way, stepped off my own pedestal when need be. So he says "you're perfect" and you respond with "well, except for those times when I [fill in the blank]"! The [blank] should be something not too serious to avoid triggers (e.g. get toothpaste all over the mirror, forget to do the dishes, start talking about the history of waffles... .  whatever). Basically what you are pointing out is that you are not, in fact, perfect. You may be perfect for HIM but that is altogether different. Everyone is perfect for somebody!

[LetItBe]

I'm not sure if this will help at all, but with my dBPDh I have taken to helping him 'see' the good in 'bad' people. So when he gets going on a tangent painting someone black, I validate his feelings, and then I suggest some positive qualities to offset the negative OR I offer an alternative explanation/excuse for their behaviour. For example, if someone cuts him off in traffic, he starts cursing... .  Me: "It's so frustrating to get cut off in traffic. I know that it stresses you out when you're driving. It's okay. That driver was really rude, I don't know, maybe he's on his way to the hospital or something. He's in a big rush, better him than us." It just sort of sticks the idea in his head that maybe there is more to it than the black 'other drivers are jerks' mentality.

I've also, in a light-hearted way, stepped off my own pedestal when need be. So he says "you're perfect" and you respond with "well, except for those times when I [fill in the blank]"! The [blank] should be something not too serious to avoid triggers (e.g. get toothpaste all over the mirror, forget to do the dishes, start talking about the history of waffles... .  whatever). Basically what you are pointing out is that you are not, in fact, perfect. You may be perfect for HIM but that is altogether different. Everyone is perfect for somebody!

Sounds like GREAT advice, arabella!  This helped me recall that I did the same thing when my uBPDbf was going off on someone who was "manipulating him."  I validated his feelings, then gently suggested that maybe she was confused.  This was a classic triangulation scenario.  I didn't buy into the Karpman triangle, rescuing him, persecuting her, and enabling his victimhood.  He later realized on his own that he had "demonized her" and had done that to me in the past, too.  This turned out to be an significant piece of awareness for him, and he's been able to catch himself when he's done that since then.