I just don't know what he wants from me, do I dare ask?

[benny2]

My uBPDbf and I have been broken up since dec. A few weeks ago he told me he wanted to make this work, wants to open his heart up to me, ect. Of course I fell for it hook, line and sinker, even knowing he had just had a visit from his ex and an emotional weekend with her. Since then I have been gong over there at night after work and on weekends when his daughter is there he expects me to sit here in my apartment. I always got along with his daughter wonderfully. I am not sure why he is keeping this from her. I kind of picked his brain last night while we were texting and asked him if his plans for the summer include me. It took him a while to respond, as I expected, and then he texted me yes. He tried to say it took awhile for the text to send. I'm sure he did not know how to answer that and just ended up giving me the answer he knew I wanted to hear. So far today I have not heard from him and I am leaving him alone. I don't know if I should just come out and ask him what he wants from this relationship or not. Am I going to opening a can of worms if I do at this point? I think he may be pushing me away again.

[rosannadanna]

Hi Benny  ,

From reading your post, you seem to have really great intuition regarding your relationship and b/c of that, you seem to really know your guy pretty well.  Your intuition is telling you that 1. He told you what you wanted to hear and 2. He is distancing. 

Intuition is awesome.  I think of it like an advanced, frontal lobe version of the flight, fight, or freeze response that we all have.  Likewise, I think we all have intuition that something is off-kilter, but I know I didn't listen to my intuition re: my relationship b/c I was afraid to.  As long as I ignored it, I didn't have to face letting go of the fantasy relationship and actually have to do the hard, scary work of mourning the loss of the fantasy and looking within for my part of the dysfunction.

You're kind of ahead of the game b/c you are listening to your intuition.  So, based on your intuition that he is distancing, how will you proceed.  It sounds like you want to ask him about the status of the relationship but you are hesitant.  Why?  Are you afraid?  And if you are, that's ok?  Just explore it nonjudgementally.  Be kind to yourself   

[rosannadanna]

oops meant: And if you are, that's ok!

There is no question that it's ok

[benny2]

I'm afraid that I may be pushing things. He tends to back off when he feels pressured when it comes to relationships. Espeically when he seems undecided about his feelings, which is pretty much all the time. I pretty much have to let him be in the drivers seat. Let him come to me, let him bring up certain subjects, ( mainly about our our relationship) first. I guess I pretty much answered my own question. I will wait until he brings up our relationship in a conversation and then ask him. I have to be so careful about what I say to him as it seems to trigger him. His mind is constantly reeling in different directions all the time. Patience has never been my forte and I need to practice that. He is a man that requires a lot of it.

[artman.1]

Benny2

     I would recommend the book titled: Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, by Shari Manning.  It explaines all the questions you have about this condition. 

Art