Looking for ideas: How did you get out of the abyss?

[Numbers]

Hi folks.

I am in need of some suggestions on how to kickstart my life. The point is, not only my intimate/emotional side is in ruins... .  many other things went horribly wrong.

- during the course of my relationship, I lost my job, effectively by being so stressed to have lost the ability to play corporate games (middle management in major financial institution). Now I am just a paper pusher with extremely narcissist boss who used to be my "enemy" while I was still a manager and who uses every opportunity to belittle, ridicule or invalidate me.

- my health took a turn for the worse, I have all kinds of autoimmune problems. This is directly related to extreme stress, but some of it will, unfortunately, be irreversible, such as arthritis.

- I fell out of all social life. Previously my job granted me a lot of socializing, and I still had some friends around. Now, during weekends, nobody calls. I am utterly alone (not *feeling* lonely still, but it might come). Yes, I have reached out. Nobody is interested.

- my self-esteem is in ruins. I feel ugly, boring, unworthy, lame. I know from my previous life this is *not* true. But I still *feel* like it.

- and of course, I have severe PTSD coming out high-conflict relationship

However, I had the strength to stop the abuse and walk out of relationship. Every day I catch myself thinking if it was really for the better. Just as when I quit smoking.

I am still financially stable, and can support myself without job for years. This is good, but in a passive way.

I have two immediate problems.

First is that I cannot answer "now what?".

Second is that literally nothing makes me happy for more then a few hours (minutes even).

Now, I understand nobody can tell me exactly what to do, but I am trying to look outside the box as ideas that pop into my mind obviously do not work. I would be grateful for any stories shared on how some of you rebuilt your life after similar disasters.

Ah, yes, I am 38, it puts a whole new perspective on the situation.

[HarmKrakow]

Hi folks.

I am in need of some suggestions on how to kickstart my life. The point is, not only my intimate/emotional side is in ruins... .  many other things went horribly wrong.

- during the course of my relationship, I lost my job, effectively by being so stressed to have lost the ability to play corporate games (middle management in major financial institution). Now I am just a paper pusher with extremely narcissist boss who used to be my "enemy" while I was still a manager and who uses every opportunity to belittle, ridicule or invalidate me.

- my health took a turn for the worse, I have all kinds of autoimmune problems. This is directly related to extreme stress, but some of it will, unfortunately, be irreversible, such as arthritis.

- I fell out of all social life. Previously my job granted me a lot of socializing, and I still had some friends around. Now, during weekends, nobody calls. I am utterly alone (not *feeling* lonely still, but it might come). Yes, I have reached out. Nobody is interested.

- my self-esteem is in ruins. I feel ugly, boring, unworthy, lame. I know from my previous life this is *not* true. But I still *feel* like it.

- and of course, I have severe PTSD coming out high-conflict relationship

However, I had the strength to stop the abuse and walk out of relationship. Every day I catch myself thinking if it was really for the better. Just as when I quit smoking.

I am still financially stable, and can support myself without job for years. This is good, but in a passive way.

I have two immediate problems.

First is that I cannot answer "now what?".

Second is that literally nothing makes me happy for more then a few hours (minutes even).

Now, I understand nobody can tell me exactly what to do, but I am trying to look outside the box as ideas that pop into my mind obviously do not work. I would be grateful for any stories shared on how some of you rebuilt your life after similar disasters.

Ah, yes, I am 38, it puts a whole new perspective on the situation.

I saw myself in the same situation like you, although 10 years or so younger, financially stable and being able to live without a job for a bit and also working in finance where after the bull~ BPD stuff I had to resettle with a lot less.

Kick start? I've been trying for over 5 months, unfortunately I gave up so don't have any advice for you. If I would suggest something, a thing I didn't have the energy for, move out, go away, start somewhere new and fresh.

I've been told make a

1) Boring list

2) Fun list

3) New list

On the first, do things you NEED to do but can't be bothered to do, second, write down things you'd always liked to do and third write down things you never done before. Try to do atleast one from every list on a weekly basis.

[Grey Kitty]

Getting out of the abyss is one way to look at it. I can't say I've been in one that felt like yours description... .  so take my advice with a grain of salt. Just the same, here are a few ideas for you to try on:

www.danoah.com/2011/02/thousand-roads-through-hell.html One internet-famous person's perspective on such times, and how to deal with them.

I've found that mindfulness meditation does me a lot of good, and this would be one time. If you are interested, I'll provide some instructions / links.

Focusing on where you are and want to leave doesn't help as much as focusing on where you want to go and how to get there. Are there any professional, personal, hobby, or other goals, dreams, or just fun ideas you want to pursue?

[yeeter]

This is not specific, but I have felt like I have been climbing (clawing?) my way out of a deep hole myself.

How to do it?  One step at a time.  A small step?  Great.  It's still a step.  The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.  If you can make a step.  Any size.  And then make another one.  You will know it's just a matter of continuing until you get to where you want to be.  You will find at som point it starts building in pace.

So just try something different.  It can be meaningless (go a different route to work tomorrow).  have a tea instead of a coffee.  Walk the steps instead of taking the elevator.

Do get some other interaction with friends in somehow.  In a class if you have to.  But maintain human interaction.  Exercise would be wonderful.  Just any small step.

Even a little step.  Baby step.  Teeny tiny step forward... .   

[jaird]

This may not help you much out the abyss, and is more a general statement, but the more I broke NC with my ex over the past three months, the more I saw how sick she was.

Seeing how sick she was, how she really has few core values, how she is so negatively affected by black and white thinking, realizing that she will probably never be able to have a normal relationship with a man, and just reviewing all the nasty texts and emails she sent me, made me in hindsight realize how abusive the relationship was. I put up with a lot of crap just to be idolized an have great sex for 18 months. I am changed for life now, I'll never be the same.

But hindsight has allowed me to borrow her BPD trick and paint her black. It really wasn't hard at all, since she gave me so much ammunition to work with. Now I see her as a pitiful creature.

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and go find some work. Your money won't last forever, and getting out and looking and networking might be just what you need now.

[charred]

This may not help you much out the abyss, and is more a general statement, but the more I broke NC with my ex over the past three months, the more I saw how sick she was.

Seeing how sick she was, how she really has few core values, how she is so negatively affected by black and white thinking, realizing that she will probably never be able to have a normal relationship with a man, and just reviewing all the nasty texts and emails she sent me, made me in hindsight realize how abusive the relationship was. I put up with a lot of crap just to be idolized an have great sex for 18 months. I am changed for life now, I'll never be the same.

But hindsight has allowed me to borrow her BPD trick and paint her black. It really wasn't hard at all, since she gave me so much ammunition to work with. Now I see her as a pitiful creature.

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and go find some work. Your money won't last forever, and getting out and looking and networking might be just what you need now.

I would suggest not painting your pwBPD black... in fact forgiveness helps you more than them. But lets think about a few things;


Why are you in an abyss? Well you lost a r/s with someone that you put in the position of being a primary relationship... you now know they are disordered... that you can't trust many of the things they said, as their actions don't match their flowery words. And you can't just shrug it off and get happy.

1.) You have suffered a great loss... its more like losing a parent than anything else... so look to how people get over that kind of loss, its a long process not an instant thing, but the stages of grief stuff is where to look.

2.) You probably ruminate on it... think of the good times, the sex, the arguments, the sex, the inconsistencies that made no sense, the sex,... and worst of all, wondering about if they are having sex with someone else... well, mindfulness helps to reduce the stress, and stop much of the ruminating... it can do wonders for calming you down.

3.) Getting on with things... to be healthy you need to have and work through the pain, the hurt, the feeling like a fool, the being mad, etc... .  it takes time. If you can stop ruminating, you can sleep, and perhaps start to function a bit... I found at the worst times, it helped to have a plan to do something mindless to keep me busy and improve the situation... in my case cleaning my house and boxing up my exwifes/daughters things and getting my home in order... would have been much quicker to hire someone and have it all done in a few days, but for about 2 months of hell it gave me something to keep moving with (zombielike... but I got through it) It also helped in the worst of times to have good support, I moved in with my sister for a while to change my surroundings, have someone around that supported me and kind of understood. Then when you are truly able to be done with the r/s... you can schedule yourself to do things... have something each week to look forward to, have friends/family events each week... and just enough stuff to keep you moving. Exercise... it really helps, I would think of the guy my pwBPD took up with abruptly... and somehow I could really push the weights... and get tired, relieve stress and feel/look better.

Those things help. When you are mad painting your pwBPD black sounds good... but think of them as an emotionally disordered person, a person who is controlled by the emotional maturity of a 3 yr old ... who you have a psuedo mother like relation with... .  and you can see why picking on a 3 yr old and trashing someone you had tremendous feelings for... .  isn't going to leave you feeling better, it will do the opposite. Read more, understand the BPD... and truly accept it wasn't fair, it is a disorder, you were not lucky in love, and accept and forgive them... when you can you start feeling better... I was 30 yrs getting to realize that.

[maria1]

It sounds like you have been through a hell of a lot and you need to give yourself a few breaks.

Why are you staying in the job when you don't need to financially? Is it actually giving you anything positive at all or just keeping you down?

[jaird]

Hello again 481,

I was retired for three years when I met my exBPD woman. I was vulnerable, because as my T says, my life was this gray background, and the GF was technicolor.

I was lucky enough to be able to retire at 48 with a decent pension I started collecting immediately, but being retired or unemployed may be the worst spot to be in as far as recovery from an abusive relationship. I, and probably you too, just have too much free time on our hands. And of course some of that time, a great deal of it, is spent thinking about our exes and the relationship, wondering what went wrong, what we could have done differently, if we can get them back, if we even want them back, and of course realizing how abusive they probably were, and yet still missing them.

This is all counterproductive. Get out there and do something, even if it volunteer work or job hunting. I know for me, and this is true before and after the relationship, there is only so much gym, laundry, vacuuming, grocery shopping one can do. I was vulnerable to her seduction because I was bored. It is taking me longer to get over the breakup than perhaps it should because of all the free time I have. Don't get caught up in the same trap. Just do something that gets you out of the house and occupies your mind.

[Maryiscontrary]

Your sense of reality and the past perception of the universal order is been shattered. That is, your ego has been blasted into smithereens. Oh, sticking one's head in the bucket of truth.

I have an Internet business, well I actually had to start over. However, the technical end of the SEO is very engrossing. So I get to bury my head in the inane stuff while building value. I have had so many jackass narcissistic bosses, who will slay the golden goose for an afternoon snack, that I had to be in business for myself.  

If you can live without a w-2 form for years, maybe you may want to think about starting your own small narcissist and PD free business. You can do it for so cheap and low risk, and it is so rewarding. And you reap the rewards.

[jaird]

481,

No disrespect to anyone else here, we all have been through quite a bit, some much more than others. But do not discount the idea of borrowing a BPD trick and painting your ex black. It is probably not hard to do at this point, since if you are on this forum, you've been really hurt. The ammunition is there in your memory, even if you have to read through old emails or recall painful moments to access it.

If someone does not like the term "painting your ex black", then just think of it as hindsight. Hindsight is 20/20. See them as they were, good and bad points, during the relationship. Then see them how they are now, what they have done to you since the relationship ended.

I suspect most people, if they take this objective approach, will realize that the bad aspects of their behavior and the relationship, and especially how quickly and easily they dumped you, and moved on with another person, I think most people can use this information to see just how abusive the r/s was. That helped me move on. The person I loved is no more. She is completely changed. More damaged then before, her values changed, her behavior changed, and while she once seemed very honest, now she lies quite a bit. If she wanted to restart the r/s with me now, I would tell her no without her or us being in therapy.

[charred]

481,

No disrespect to anyone else here, we all have been through quite a bit, some much more than others. But do not discount the idea of borrowing a BPD trick and painting your ex black. It is probably not hard to do at this point, since if you are on this forum, you've been really hurt. The ammunition is there in your memory, even if you have to read through old emails or recall painful moments to access it.

If someone does not like the term "painting your ex black", then just think of it as hindsight. Hindsight is 20/20. See them as they were, good and bad points, during the relationship. Then see them how they are now, what they have done to you since the relationship ended.

I suspect most people, if they take this objective approach, will realize that the bad aspects of their behavior and the relationship, and especially how quickly and easily they dumped you, and moved on with another person, I think most people can use this information to see just how abusive the r/s was. That helped me move on. The person I loved is no more. She is completely changed. More damaged then before, her values changed, her behavior changed, and while she once seemed very honest, now she lies quite a bit. If she wanted to restart the r/s with me now, I would tell her no without her or us being in therapy.

Can you explain what you mean? Painting someone black is making them look bad to other people... had it done to me many times, its not something honest, not something to jump on the bandwagon and do.

Being truthful about the nature of our pwBPD... which is accepting that they were not the idealized wonderful person we at first thought they were... .  is hard but important. I am all for truly accepting that my exBPDgf was a manipulative, dishonest, deeply disordered person, more like Jodi Arias, than any other person I have seen. Accepting that makes it a bit easier to leave her and stick by my guns. I don't even want to spread that she is BPD... .  she has been diagnosed, her actions make it clear... .  but its her business... .  I have forgiven her for coming in to my life and inflicting a lot of grief in to it... .  time to move on.

Did you really mean painting them black?

[hithere]

I would leave your current job, hit the gym - force yourself to reconnect with friends and family.  Start or go back to a  hobby you enjoy.  You need to have positive things in your life to gain back who you once were.

[charred]

hithere ... all good points.

Another thing would be seeing a good T, chances are they could help.

[Numbers]

Thank you all so very much for sharing. Every info helps. You provide exactly what I am looking for - perspectives. I understand choosing the new path will be up to me, but I am looking up ideas.

Unfortunately I am not in US or EU, so many things are off limits. There are many psychiatrists, almost no therapists. Economic outlook is grim, so self-employment is a shaky proposal. Conservative society of closed people. Yeah, I know, I might just be seeking excuses, but environment isn't really helping right now.

In 2 days I will be off for 3-week backpacking trip to Central America. I will use this distraction to press "reset" in my brain. I do a similar trip yearly, and I am extatic about travel. Not this time, I even don't feel like packing.

I'd love to leave this job, but I am... .  stop, no... .  *I have become* terrified of the future. What if I fail, what if I never get a job again, what if I am too old. If anyone can share some resources on coping with irrational fears, please do.

I've lost all my closest friends for good. Most she alienated by being too touchy-feely with them and what's worse I saw them respond to it. I just deleted these people from my life, I cannot forgive such disrespect. Meanwhile, I am off to gym, I have enrolled in some Spanish classes but all these interactions are superficial. Nothing happens, nobody is interested to talk or socialize.

A have also become very short tempered. It is hurting my job and my social life. Any resources on anger management would be really appreciated.

I guess it just takes time. But it's not my first breakup and not my first serious relationship. Why then am I so shellshocked.

Thanks again for listening.

ps. no need to paint her black. Objective asessment of what transpired makes her black. I am just sorry I ever met her.

[Grey Kitty]

One thought for you on fear: I've done (and mostly not done) a lot of things when I was afraid. I have discovered that I like myself better when I don't let that drive my actions. In my case, it was usually fear of what my wife might do/say/etc... .  

The main tool I've used is to pay attention when I'm avoiding something because I'm afraid and look closely at the fear. Often when I looked deeper, I discovered that I had no control over it anyhow, and my actions weren't doing much to prevent what I was afraid of anyway. So I took a deep breath and went forward... .  and found I like that version of Grey Kitty much better. 

I've lost all my closest friends for good. Most she alienated by being too touchy-feely with them and what's worse I saw them respond to it. I just deleted these people from my life, I cannot forgive such disrespect.

I'll bet that you got sucked into some foolish stuff by your ex too. You can forgive yourself for being lost in the FOG, or bowled over by other things she did. Is there room to consider forgiving any of your old friends the same way? I know many good people who got suckered into something and then came to later regret it.

Meanwhile, I am off to gym, I have enrolled in some Spanish classes but all these interactions are superficial. Nothing happens, nobody is interested to talk or socialize.

You get credit for putting yourself out there, even if nothing is coming from it.

One tip... .  look for the other lonely/shy person there--They will often be happy to have somebody to talk to, and you never know what is underneath that.

A have also become very short tempered. It is hurting my job and my social life. Any resources on anger management would be really appreciated.

I'll recommend mindfulness meditation again there. Paying attention to and feeling your anger makes dealing with it easier. (Assuming that anger comes up during your meditation) One thing I've learned through meditation is how reacting to a feeling sends things out of control, while noticing the feeling instead gives you choices on what to do about it.

Here's more on that paradigm: Anger itself is just a feeling--it isn't either good or bad. You can let yourself get carried away in reacting to it (For example, were you to punch your narcissist boss in the nose... .  and I assume you haven't done that yet ) and there is where you make problems for yourself.

[jaird]

481,

No disrespect to anyone else here, we all have been through quite a bit, some much more than others. But do not discount the idea of borrowing a BPD trick and painting your ex black. It is probably not hard to do at this point, since if you are on this forum, you've been really hurt. The ammunition is there in your memory, even if you have to read through old emails or recall painful moments to access it.

If someone does not like the term "painting your ex black", then just think of it as hindsight. Hindsight is 20/20. See them as they were, good and bad points, during the relationship. Then see them how they are now, what they have done to you since the relationship ended.

I suspect most people, if they take this objective approach, will realize that the bad aspects of their behavior and the relationship, and especially how quickly and easily they dumped you, and moved on with another person, I think most people can use this information to see just how abusive the r/s was. That helped me move on. The person I loved is no more. She is completely changed. More damaged then before, her values changed, her behavior changed, and while she once seemed very honest, now she lies quite a bit. If she wanted to restart the r/s with me now, I would tell her no without her or us being in therapy.

Can you explain what you mean? Painting someone black is making them look bad to other people... had it done to me many times, its not something honest, not something to jump on the bandwagon and do.

Being truthful about the nature of our pwBPD... which is accepting that they were not the idealized wonderful person we at first thought they were... .  is hard but important. I am all for truly accepting that my exBPDgf was a manipulative, dishonest, deeply disordered person, more like Jodi Arias, than any other person I have seen. Accepting that makes it a bit easier to leave her and stick by my guns. I don't even want to spread that she is BPD... .  she has been diagnosed, her actions make it clear... .  but its her business... .  I have forgiven her for coming in to my life and inflicting a lot of grief in to it... .  time to move on.

Did you really mean painting them black?

Charred,

Painting someone black is something people with BPD do in their own minds. It has nothing to do with telling other people about their disorder or how bad they were to you. At least that is my understanding of it. It is a psychological term that I picked up on sites about BPD, and how people with BPD think. My ex even said that she used it, but she called it "flipping the switch". She flipped a switch to turn off her emotions about someone, in this case, me. What they do, or anyone can do, is forget the positive aspects of the relationship, and ours had many, we were always great in person, and instead focus on the issues you two had as a couple. Focus on whatever you (or more likely the person with BPD) can see as a negative trait or behavior.

This is much easier, I think, for people with BPD, since their feelings are often so fleeting anyway, and if their partner stops filling some need, or does not do what they want them to do quickly enough, they are able to move on quickly. So, it's a tool people with BPD use to move on. The old partner is painted black, and the new partner, is the shiny white knight. The white knight will address some immediate need the pwBPD has. In the case of my ex, the new man is local, has no children, and has no contact with his ex wife. So he is available to her at any time they agree to see each other. She does not feel any competition for attention from his children or ex spouse. BTW-She referred to my family as "baggage", even though her family is much larger and much, much, more troubled.

My point is, maybe even a person who does not have BPD can use the same trick. Think of the abusive times, think of the rants, the rages, the temper tantrums, the threats, the voicemails (which my ex loved to go off on), the nasty text messages, the twisted facts, the lies, the distortions, think of all that negative stuff, and realize THIS is, was and probably will always be a part of them.

With all due respect Charred, you mentioned being recycled something like seven times, and having a 25 year relationship with someone with BPD. That does not sound healthy at all to me. I am pretty much shot after one go round, with some very short break ups, and 27 months. I guess I am just crisp around the edges, LOL.

[Maryiscontrary]

Yes, I totally agree with foo thing. Home mentality is very different from social mentality.

Maybe, the feeling we get with our family, good or bad, is "home." this is the basic filter for which you perceive the world.

I think the term "flipping a switch" is much more accurate, as you said. Hey, I have had to flip a lot of switches this past year. Flipping a switch means lower processing. Sometimes, it's in natures best interest to flip a switch sometimes.

If there are suddent shifts in mood, there are rips in consciousness, and thus personality.

[Wimowe]

For me, "now what" has been allowing myself space and time to heal. It's been learning to take care of myself. I had to acknowledge and accept that I had been seriously wounded and traumatized. I had to accept that just as for anyone healing from a serious illness or injury, I was limited for the time being and would have to be patient with myself (for me a radical idea!).

Initially, I was dismayed at how my stamina was reduced.  For me "now what" has been walks, prayer and meditation, yoga, journaling, pyschotherapy, exercise, naps, Twelve Step meetings, friends and family, nesting, naps, drawing, staring out of windows, nourishing and healthy food, perusing this site, naps, learning about BPD, slowly reclaiming for myself the places and people which had for me become associated with my uBPDxgf and me as a couple, allowing myself to feel grief, despair, anger, bewilderment, relief, hopelessness, fear, loneliness, shame, guilt, revulsion, chagrin, embarrassment, hurt, regret, outrage, remorse; reflecting on my contribution to the debacle; and much emotional processing of the hurts I suffered.

I've been fortunate that I could afford not to work for much of that time.

It's been very helpful to learn the difference between obsessing/ruminating and processing. I avoid the former as well as self-pity and resentment.

It's been three months and my stamina, energy, and vitality are only now returning, albeit slowly. I'm only now feeling strong enough to be in social settings but am not yet up to movies or concerts in public venues.  I am working again, although still with reduced stamina. Hours can now pass without a thought of my uBPDxgf. The darkness is lifting.

I would advise: Be patient with yourself, take care of yourself, don't make unreasonable demands of yourself, allow your healing to happen in its own time.

[charred]

I was painted black to her family, my family, our friends... anyone she could enlist in her propaganda campaign against me, once she decided I was the devil himself.

I didn't have a 27 yr r/s with her... not possible... she is pretty unstable.

I had an 18 month r/s with her in college in 1983-84, which ended with her abruptly dumping me without explanation. resulting in me abandoning my home, family, business... dreams and hopes.

Then in 2009 thanks to the miracle of FB, she came back in to my life... apparently it had become enough better to take a second shot at it... .  and it resulted in me losing my job, losing my family (divorce)... losing 1/2 my retirement/pension, most my stuff... and I tried to make it work, through a total of 7 recycles... .  and finally realized she was disordered, and it wasn't ever going to work.

I felt burned and burned, and burned some more... .  hence charred.

Total time spent with her was about 5 yrs... 1 yr great, 6 mos normal, rest were levels of hell Dante seemed to have missed.

[jaird]

I was painted black to her family, my family, our friends... anyone she could enlist in her propaganda campaign against me, once she decided I was the devil himself.

I didn't have a 27 yr r/s with her... not possible... she is pretty unstable.

I had an 18 month r/s with her in college in 1983-84, which ended with her abruptly dumping me without explanation. resulting in me abandoning my home, family, business... dreams and hopes.

Then in 2009 thanks to the miracle of FB, she came back in to my life... apparently it had become enough better to take a second shot at it... .  and it resulted in me losing my job, losing my family (divorce)... losing 1/2 my retirement/pension, most my stuff... and I tried to make it work, through a total of 7 recycles... .  and finally realized she was disordered, and it wasn't ever going to work.

I felt burned and burned, and burned some more... .  hence charred.

Total time spent with her was about 5 yrs... 1 yr great, 6 mos normal, rest were levels of hell Dante seemed to have missed.

I feel for you Charred. I'm glad you explained the timeframe. I wa sunder the impression your ex was in and out of your life for 25 years or so.

But is it really the exes fault that you lost all those things? I mean the business. The pension I can see losing half of to your ex wife, because that is what happens if you earned it all during your marriage. I would have been in the same boat if I divorced.

As someone told me "Man, that FB is tearing up marriages everywhere" LOL

[jaird]

I was painted black to her family, my family, our friends... anyone she could enlist in her propaganda campaign against me, once she decided I was the devil himself.

I didn't have a 27 yr r/s with her... not possible... she is pretty unstable.

I had an 18 month r/s with her in college in 1983-84, which ended with her abruptly dumping me without explanation. resulting in me abandoning my home, family, business... dreams and hopes.

Then in 2009 thanks to the miracle of FB, she came back in to my life... apparently it had become enough better to take a second shot at it... .  and it resulted in me losing my job, losing my family (divorce)... losing 1/2 my retirement/pension, most my stuff... and I tried to make it work, through a total of 7 recycles... .  and finally realized she was disordered, and it wasn't ever going to work.

I felt burned and burned, and burned some more... .  hence charred.

Total time spent with her was about 5 yrs... 1 yr great, 6 mos normal, rest were levels of hell Dante seemed to have missed.

When I read your story Charred, I think "there but for the grace of God go I". I would have lost a lot too, alienated my kids, a good spouse, half my pension, etc etc.

I'm glad I went slowly with my exGF, and asked her to show me calm and stable before I left my home to be with her. She was unable to do calm and stable even for a week or two. She was always raging about something, real or imagined.

I do see how I was to blame for the failed relationship though. I was not trustworthy. She raged, often without reason, but I cheated on her twice. I kept her in her place, kind of like second best-on the side, until I was ready to leave my wife. I was no angel. I realize that now, even though I had stopped that behavior, it was too late. The seed was planted in her head that I would always be a cheater, after all, she and I were both married when we met.

I didn't realize how much she meant to me until after she was gone. Live and learn.

[Surnia]

Hi 48151

There are said a lot of helpful things here.

When no T is available you could try out MoodGym. It is for free, well done. I found it very helpful.

Perhaps you feel not enthusiastic for travelling right now. I could imagine that pleasure will come back, once you are on the road. When my marriage shattered, I forced myself to travel, not staying at home the vacations. Once I was on my way, it felt so great.

[charred]

Ultimately what happened is my fault, I had a wounded core from a crappy upbringing and failed to heed the red flags... and I believed what my pwBPD said to me. I wanted someone with near unconditional love, someone that was blonde, cute and big boobs, and was very emotional and demonstrative with love... she acted exactly like that at first. We talked and made plans for a life together, kids, the whole bit... and then she met my dad, acted funny (couldn't stand him)... then abruptly dumped me and took up with a neighbor... and was out on his porch hugging kissing him a few weeks after dumping and refusing to talk to me. I was beyond devastated... had a gun and was ready to shoot him and/or myself... and decided I couldn't do that, and had to leave because I couldn't take seeing her with him nearly in my front yard. I had started a medical center chain while in college, had 3 locations, and was making money like crazy... grew up in that area, had friends and family there... I packed up my car and drove 1500 miles to the coast with no plan but to start over. So ... did my ex cause me to lose my friends, business, and being around my family and hometown... .  maybe not, but I was a good 10 yrs getting back to functioning normally... and my dreams and life were shattered.

I left the coast when my grandfather died from lung cancer, came back to help out my grandmother who was alone and depressed, she lived a few hundred miles away from my family and the city I had left. I went back to school and got a job, and the manager of the place I worked... was a gal I ended up marrying and being with for 22 yrs... she reminded me of my pwBPD, was very emotional and demonstrative, smart, moral... a good person... she was not disordered, and is still my best friend and close to me. In 2009 the economy melt down effected my job, I was cut along with lots of others at my company, I applied at over 300 places, and got one interview, and it was an old friend that wanted to say hi, but I didn't get a job. Tried linkedin and then FB trying to make a job connection... on FB my old GF contacted me and told me she had to tell me the truth about why she dumped me, and lured me in to a phone call, once I heard her voice... to my utter amazement, ALL the feelings were back and she started the idealizing and I had to see her, and that kicked off the worst chapter of my life... .  the destruction of my marriage... my pwBPD painted my wife black, did her best to encourage me to go after our dreams we had that I had thought were shattered, etc... .  and I was torn, like being pulled between teams of horses torn. I saw her and it was like intense puppy love, and I thought it was true love and that I had to finally get my life on track... .  she told me all the things she had done in all those 27 yrs... and red flags came up and were dismissed... she had been married and divorced a few times, engaged 7 times... .  had a nervous breakdown, been diagnosed BPD, etc... but I was happy with her. Then seeing my daughter devasted by the idea of divorce brought me back to earth and that made my pwBPD go clingly... .  and start stalking my wife... and so it went, after a year I was divorced, but fighting with my pwBPD endlessly, and something seemed off, I would talk to exwife and miss family life and try to make up... .  and exBPDgf would do something ... .  and eventually she cost me my new consulting job that was best job I had... by calling up to 30 times a day, and pestering exwife and making it very hard to do my job... so did she cost me my marriage, family, a second job, 1/2 my pension/retirement... .  maybe not, but I sure as hell would still have them all if she had never contacted me again. I  certainly bear blame for falling for it not once or twice but with the recycles over and over.

So, how do we get out of the abyss... first realize your in one... I saw a T, he listened and agreed she is BPD. I read and realized it was not all her, I had my own issues that make me a sitting duck for her charms, and then I made my own conclusion, that I had put her in the position of the primary unconditional love attachment relationship I never had... .  and still didn't and that is why she devastated me by dumping me abruptly years ago, and continued to get just as strong of a reaction from me 27 yrs later... it was LIKE the love you have for a mother, losing her hurt unspeakably... .  took a decade to be normal but not over... .  and I leaped at the chance to be back with her... .  like getting her back from the grave, but it was more a Stephen King Pet Cemetary night mare than a love story... and I paid a high price. The one and only good that came from it was finally addressing problems. My exwife is on her own, works and earns her own way and has her pride and the way she was when I met her and fell for her... back. My daughter is thriving, but doesn't want me and her mother back together... which I understand ... .  she is afraid of having false hope we will stay together after all the recycles with my pwBPD. I am in T, and finally getting help, but I am 50, my daughter visits, but isn't with me any more, my family is hours away, have few friends and no dreams to motivate me. I have dated and normal people... while nice, don't have the technicolor intensity I had with my pwBPD... .  I have been treated for PTSD... and no longer flinch and want to run... but I am going through the motions.

Never thought that the "dream girl" I fell for, was lying, was disordered, and that actually trying to spend time with her like I would in a marriage... .  would be a hellish experience. Now I am aware of the situation, know that I shouldn't have left town years ago... or spoke to her when she contacted me... but the damage is done. I have done a personal inventory, know I am not all bad, not really depressed, but have to accept that my dream of this "dream girl" was... all in my head, the reality of her is that she is a mess. She was hurt by our r/s, I was hurt, my daughter and exwife were as well. It was toxic, and is over.

I have my whole future ahead of me, and the decks have been largely cleared for whatever is next... .  at heart I am still a frightened little kid afraid to get close to people... but I am also a fighter, a successful guy, a good salesman, and family man... .  so I think I am out of the abyss... and a bit confused by the normal life outside of it, after all the intensity and dsyfunction.

[jaird]

Charred,

Thanks again for sharing and explaining all that. It is so much easier to understand when someone explains how they felt at various times, and how the relationship affected them, then when someone just says "my ex did so and so to me and that caused this"

YOU, my FRIEND, need this book I found on Amazon.com, if you have not already read it:

Boomerang Love, Breaking Free from Abusive Borderline Relationships

Written by a woman who was married to a BPD man for decades. It is a chronological history of her feelings and how and why she finally had to let him go.

[charred]

jaird,

I have not read it... sounds like it would have been real useful a few years ago, might have some direction from where I am, will check it out. I too decided I had to give up on the dream I had of a life with her... as the reality was a toxic nightmare. Understanding the attachment issues helped to understand the feelings and pain and loss, but all this understanding hasn't moved me on. Attachment theory and developmental psychology... .  they are illuminating, I took the schema therapy tests and then looked in to them (booger to score... should be self scoring spreadsheet... but I digress)... and it had 14 schemas... and I was pretty far off normal on about 6... and they directly tie to negative experiences growing up... .  all things that can be worked on, but at this point it just makes the trek up and out of the trench surrounding the abyss seem long and daunting.

Guess I didn't pick my parents as well as I should have... least I am not alone on that one.

[Numbers]

Thank you all again for sharing.

I have thought and thought and thought and I am positive I am just not over it. Yet.

Which feels weird. It's been only three months, but I never felt this sad after previous breakups in same time frame. Something got broken deep inside of me and it will take more time to fix. And that really is the answer - I am so sad that I have trouble connecting to my own life. It's not that emotional, hysteric sadeness anymore, it's some raw kind of sadeness that overarches all other activities. It's not even about her anymore. I am sad about me. Oh, I am not pitying myself or being pathetic. I am truly and deeply sad this event transpired in my life. I've given everything. My body, my mind, my soul, my life into a lie.

Stupid me. And I will lose a year of my life mending this and she will just live happily ever after. It's just not fair.

Anyway, my flight is in 12 hours, this will take my mind off mundane problems. Pilgrimage, you might say.

 all 

[jaird]

Thank you all again for sharing.

I have thought and thought and thought and I am positive I am just not over it. Yet.

Which feels weird. It's been only three months, but I never felt this sad after previous breakups in same time frame. Something got broken deep inside of me and it will take more time to fix. And that really is the answer - I am so sad that I have trouble connecting to my own life. It's not that emotional, hysteric sadeness anymore, it's some raw kind of sadeness that overarches all other activities. It's not even about her anymore. I am sad about me. Oh, I am not pitying myself or being pathetic. I am truly and deeply sad this event transpired in my life. I've given everything. My body, my mind, my soul, my life into a lie.

Stupid me. And I will lose a year of my life mending this and she will just live happily ever after. It's just not fair.

Anyway, my flight is in 12 hours, this will take my mind off mundane problems. Pilgrimage, you might say.

I hear you, just over three months for me. It has only become easier these past weeks when i have tried to see my part of the fiasco. Yes, I was idolized and probably lied to, and I believed it. Now she is a cruel creature who sometimes reaches out to me, if I am kind and engaging, I get slapped down.

I am sorry I ever met her too. It is ego shattering, and I think she likes that she did that.

[Rose Tiger]

Three weeks backpacking?  And you aren't taking us?  :'( Wishing you a stressfree trip and renewal. 

[Surnia]

I wish you safe traveling 

Keep us posted when you are back.