It scares me that I fell in love with an "ill" person

[mango_flower]

Hearing that I fell in love with an ill person (from members of this board) helps SO much.  It makes it seem less awful.

But it scares me.

Why do I fall for people who are messed up?

The few other people I have had short term relationships - well, let's just say none of them have been well adjusted... .  lovely though, but all had a lot of pain in their lives.

I am one of those people who doesn't fall for people sexually - it's about the emotional connection.

And I am a deep thinker.  So naturally I only connect to other people who know pain.  My pain comes from the nastiest parental divorce ever... .  and step mothers who made my life hell.  (Looking back, I'm 100% sure one of them had BPD, she was the raging type, absolutely horrible, my poor Father!) and one of the other ones was actually diagnosed with BPD when I was 13 - though she was very lovely and I liked her a lot - she was just very unhappy and mixed up, and like a child in an adults body).  The one he is with now seems pretty normal though so that's good!

I wonder if it's damaged me in some way.  All I ever wanted was for every stepmother I had at that time, to love me. But I was never enough.

I have a mild form of body dysmorphia, anxiety issues, and had OCD as a child.

I need somebody who will  understand.

So I guess I go for broken people.  Not to fix them but because I feel they are the only ones I am good enough for.

I guess I have low self-esteem.

I can't see a way out of this, other than remaining single forever. But I'd love to find love again and need to work out why I keep finding these patterns, so I can break them... .  I'd really love a healthy love. But I'm just not drawn to healthy people.

Where do I start? x

[maria1]

Hi Mango Flower

I wonder if it's damaged me in some way.  All I ever wanted was for every stepmother I had at that time, to love me. But I was never enough.

There's your answer. We repeat the patterns of the past because it is what we are familiar with and because we subconsciously have to. We subconsciously choose people to replay the patterns of love we learned as a child.

Have you thought about therapy?

[mango_flower]

Hi Maria -

I have just applied for therapy through my work so it will be free.  No idea where they will start- so much confusion and so many unaddressed issues... .  

[motherof1yearold]

Oh gosh!

Well I AM glad you mentioned that you are not "a fixer" , as we call it on the board. Most of us are- I partially identify myself trying to do that...

Though the other half of me is much like you, falling for the "ill" for unknown reasons.

My first advice is to be able to recognize red flags  , so you won't have to waste your precious time and be frustrated.

[maria1]

It might be an idea to do a little bit of reading about therapy generally so you can have some idea what's available before you start. Maybe do an internet search- I just searched on 'different types of therapy and psych central had an article that looked quite useful but you'll know what you want to find out.

In my own experience, work tend to offer the short term, cognitive behavioural therapy. It's useful for dealing with symptoms such as anxiety but doesn't really get to the deeper FOO issues.

Don't be afraid to ask the therapist questions. I'm so glad you are getting some help. This stuff is all very hard work for all of us. (Please keep us posted with how you get on too)

[myself]

I'd love to find love again and need to work out why I keep finding these patterns, so I can break them... .  I'd really love a healthy love. But I'm just not drawn to healthy people.

Where do I start? x

Hi MangoFlower. Working on yourself, to be a healthier partner/individual, will help break the patterns. That's a great place to start. It will help attract others who are healthier and keep you from being with those who aren't. Being a deep thinker, when you think deeply about yourself, what patterns do you see? Which ones are the deepest? And: What are your strengths? Focus on what's most important, even if that's just taking smaller steps for now. Don't accept what's unacceptable. You will grow into an even more positive version of yourself (you already are), where the patterns of the past will have no more use for you. Best wishes.