I never loved her

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Maybe I never loved her but didn't have the balls to break up with her. Didn't have the heart. This is what is coming into my mind right now. And maybe the source of my guilt and the reason why I bought into her all her crazy behavior.

I didn't love her. I was drawn to her. I was addicted to the sex. I was addicted to the closeness. Her body. The way she smelled. Her eyes. Her sense of humor. The fun times we could have together. Her intellect. These are all things that drew me to her. But did I love her?

No.

I never loved her.

I was scared of her. I confused the good times we had together as love. I confused the intense sexual connection we had for love.

But how could I say I loved her? She was totally unstable. I always had anxiety around her, never knowing when she would blow up at me. I remember getting a concussion one day from kayaking. She wanted to meet my best friend and we were set to go paddling that day. I asked her to come and she could go rafting while we kayaked behind. She seemed to be happy about doing that. I got into an accident and I think I suffered a concussion. I hit my head super hard on a rock wall and almost drowned. I was stranded on an island and thank god someone else was there to rescue me. When I got back to the put in where she was, instead of being concerned, she was mad that I made her wait. Then we drove for 2 hours to Montreal. And then she got really mad at me because I didn't want to go dancing with her. But she guilted me into it. And I went. And I stayed out until 3am. With a concussion. I felt sick to my stomach. My head was spinning. I was in a complete daze. I couldn't string full sentences together. And I told her I thought I had a concussion.

How could I love someone who would do that? How could I love someone who had such disregard for my well-being that she would throw a temper tantrum because I didn't want to go party because I had a head injury? How could I love someone who I felt such anxiety around and such guilt that I would go party despite having a bad head injury?

And this was just one event. This was just one time. I made a list of over 50 times where she yelled or raged at me for non-sensisical things. I made that list 6 months ago. And new rage or guilt trips or yelling episodes still pop into my head out of nowhere... .  like the story I just wrote.

So maybe that is why I feel so much guilt. Maybe that is why I took all the abuse. On some level, I knew I didn't love her. And maybe on some level, she knew that too. Or, more likely, I projected that onto her. And I used that as an excuse for why she would act out all the time. I bought the blame.

I certainly tried to love her. I certainly really liked spending time with her when she wasn't freaking out on me. And there were moments of tenderness and care. But these moments were few and far between. These moments happened. But the anxiety and fear in the pit of my stomach was always there. It was always present. I was always waiting for something to make her blow up. I was constantly walking around on eggshells. I could never let my guard down. I could never do something that I wanted to do or ask to do something I wanted to do without feeling a surge of anxiety before telling her what I was going to do. I was always looking over my shoulder.

I didn't love her.

If I didn't lover her then, I must not love her now. So the feelings I am having have nothing to do with loosing the love of my life. The feelings I have now are the lose of myself during the 8 years I was involved with her. Sorting out how I could have let myself be treated so badly. Why it wasn't OK to tell her to F off during one of her rage episodes, or one of her guilt trips, or one of manipulations. Why did I ignore that voice that was in my head the entire time to get away, that this woman was dangerous? Why did it take me to the point where I would have to hide under the bed on a regular basis from her during one of her late night rages? Why did it take me to the point where I thought she was going to hit me? Why did it take me to the point where she started calling me an ___hole for days on end? Why did it take me that long to finally tell her to F off?

More importantly, why is she still in my head? Why can't I let go? I tell her to F off in my head all the time. She is no longer in my life. I delete all her emails. I don't answer unknown phone calls. I don't communicate with any of our mutual friends. I have no reason to see her. I don't call her. I don't email. She is physically gone. But she is in my head 24/7. I tell her to F off in my head, but she keeps coming back. Constantly. And I hear her voice telling me what a loser I am. I hear her voice telling my what an ___hole I am. I hear her voice telling me 'what a great woman I missed out on'. I hear her voice telling me that I should have been more committed. I hear her voice tell me that the relationship falling apart was 100% my fault. I hear her beating me up all day long and all night long. These are the kinds of things she would tell me. All the time. She would tell me I wasn't nice to her. She would tell me that I valued my work more than her. She would tell me that I didn't commit enough to her. And this recording is stuck in my mind. Spinning around. Over and over again.

Why does my mind give this person so much power when it was a person that I didn't ever love?

[willy45]

Maybe I never loved her but didn't have the balls to break up with her. Didn't have the heart. This is what is coming into my mind right now. And maybe the source of my guilt and the reason why I bought into her all her crazy behavior.

I didn't love her. I was drawn to her. I was addicted to the sex. I was addicted to the closeness. Her body. The way she smelled. Her eyes. Her sense of humor. The fun times we could have together. Her intellect. These are all things that drew me to her. But did I love her?

No.

I never loved her.

I was scared of her. I confused the good times we had together as love. I confused the intense sexual connection we had for love.

But how could I say I loved her? She was totally unstable. I always had anxiety around her, never knowing when she would blow up at me. I remember getting a concussion one day from kayaking. She wanted to meet my best friend and we were set to go paddling that day. I asked her to come and she could go rafting while we kayaked behind. She seemed to be happy about doing that. I got into an accident and I think I suffered a concussion. I hit my head super hard on a rock wall and almost drowned. I was stranded on an island and thank god someone else was there to rescue me. When I got back to the put in where she was, instead of being concerned, she was mad that I made her wait. Then we drove for 2 hours to Montreal. And then she got really mad at me because I didn't want to go dancing with her. But she guilted me into it. And I went. And I stayed out until 3am. With a concussion. I felt sick to my stomach. My head was spinning. I was in a complete daze. I couldn't string full sentences together. And I told her I thought I had a concussion.

How could I love someone who would do that? How could I love someone who had such disregard for my well-being that she would throw a temper tantrum because I didn't want to go party because I had a head injury? How could I love someone who I felt such anxiety around and such guilt that I would go party despite having a bad head injury?

And this was just one event. This was just one time. I made a list of over 50 times where she yelled or raged at me for non-sensisical things. I made that list 6 months ago. And new rage or guilt trips or yelling episodes still pop into my head out of nowhere... .  like the story I just wrote.

So maybe that is why I feel so much guilt. Maybe that is why I took all the abuse. On some level, I knew I didn't love her. And maybe on some level, she knew that too. Or, more likely, I projected that onto her. And I used that as an excuse for why she would act out all the time. I bought the blame.

I certainly tried to love her. I certainly really liked spending time with her when she wasn't freaking out on me. And there were moments of tenderness and care. But these moments were few and far between. These moments happened. But the anxiety and fear in the pit of my stomach was always there. It was always present. I was always waiting for something to make her blow up. I was constantly walking around on eggshells. I could never let my guard down. I could never do something that I wanted to do or ask to do something I wanted to do without feeling a surge of anxiety before telling her what I was going to do. I was always looking over my shoulder.

I didn't love her.

If I didn't lover her then, I must not love her now. So the feelings I am having have nothing to do with loosing the love of my life. The feelings I have now are the lose of myself during the 8 years I was involved with her. Sorting out how I could have let myself be treated so badly. Why it wasn't OK to tell her to F off during one of her rage episodes, or one of her guilt trips, or one of manipulations. Why did I ignore that voice that was in my head the entire time to get away, that this woman was dangerous? Why did it take me to the point where I would have to hide under the bed on a regular basis from her during one of her late night rages? Why did it take me to the point where I thought she was going to hit me? Why did it take me to the point where she started calling me an ___hole for days on end? Why did it take me that long to finally tell her to F off?

More importantly, why is she still in my head? Why can't I let go? I tell her to F off in my head all the time. She is no longer in my life. I delete all her emails. I don't answer unknown phone calls. I don't communicate with any of our mutual friends. I have no reason to see her. I don't call her. I don't email. She is physically gone. But she is in my head 24/7. I tell her to F off in my head, but she keeps coming back. Constantly. And I hear her voice telling me what a loser I am. I hear her voice telling my what an ___hole I am. I hear her voice telling me 'what a great woman I missed out on'. I hear her voice telling me that I should have been more committed. I hear her voice tell me that the relationship falling apart was 100% my fault. I hear her beating me up all day long and all night long. These are the kinds of things she would tell me. All the time. She would tell me I wasn't nice to her. She would tell me that I valued my work more than her. She would tell me that I didn't commit enough to her. And this recording is stuck in my mind. Spinning around. Over and over again.

Why does my mind give this person so much power when it was a person that I didn't ever love?

[Clearmind]

What raw truth! You busted it - you bought into a fantasy! - thinking it was the answer to your own troubles.

Show yourself as much compassion you have her - there in lies your answer!

Now you know what love isn't! This is a huge thing to learn.

Good for you