Wishing that my BPD mom were DEAD...

[DaughterInDespair]

Hello everyone,


It's been a while since I've posted here, but I was wondering

if you all could lend me some advice... .  


My (non) dad died five years ago, leaving me alone to "look after"

my uBPD mother and a younger, disabled sibling... .  


My life has been PURE HELL ever since, and I don't know how in

hell I can escape from my situation... .  


All I can think is how WONDERFUL, JOYOUS, and BEAUTIFUL life

would be if my mother no longer existed... .    How the air would

smell fresher, food would taste better, etc.


I'd like to just get on a plane and move a THOUSAND miles away,

and not say a word to her... .  


(... .  wish I had done that at 18... .  )


But I'm pretty much all alone in the world, and any place I moved

to would involve starting over from scratch... .    (finding an apartment,

trying to meet people, getting a new job, etc.)


(By the way, I'll be 45 in July... .     Too late to have a family of

my own, but GOD ALMIGHTY how I wish I had one, now... .  )


Thanks in advance for reading this.


Lots of love to you all... .  

[GeekyGirl]

Hi DID,

It sounds like you do have quite a heavy burden with your mother and sibling, so I can imagine that you're tired and frustrated. Taking care of others is exhausting, especially when you feel like your own needs aren't being met. I can relate to wanting to get on a plane and fly thousands of miles away--sometimes freedom looks incredibly appealing. Many of us have felt that way.

Do you have anyone (other family, friends, services) that can help you take care of your mother and sibling's daily needs? At the same time, how are you taking care of yourself right now--do you have a good support system and/or a way to de-stress?

[Clearmind]

Absolutely, its important to look after you!

Can you help me understand what you mean by “look after” your uBPDm?

[redroom]

I definitely understand where you're coming from!  I'll admit that physical distance does help.  But you can completely cut yourself off from your mom and still live in the same town.  Think about it, even if you move far away, what keeps her away from you is more your boundaries than physical distance.  If you don't have good boundaries in place, she can make you miserable no matter where you are. 

I lived in the same town as my family for about 3 years as an adult.  I was young, and working w/ a (great) therapist to set boundaries w/ my family.  But even then, I was still able to keep away from them. 

When my mom came to visit, I didn't open the door (it was easy to tell I was home at the time because my car was there).  I'd pretend to be asleep or in the shower or something.  You don't have to have an "I statement" handy to deal with her.  Sometimes avoidance is just what works best.  I screened my calls (this was before cell phones were common).  I interacted w/ extended family members on my own, instead of waiting for my mom to plan something and invite me along.  I blocked her email address.  I changed the subject when people talked about my immediate family or tried to *fish* for gossip.  I learned to not answer questions that were too personal. 

And I didn't have a huge support system to turn to for help with this, either.  For most of this, I was all alone.  The therapist (and one friend) came later in the game.  I would spend holidays alone, but I was OK with that. 

Cutting people out of your life is like having them dead.  I know this from my experience.  My uNPDf died about 12 years after I cut off contact w/ him (at age 18), and all my life, even after cutting him out (FIGURATIVELY) I fantasized about how awesome everything would be when he died.  He died about a year and a half ago, and I just don't feel anything.  It's like a random stranger died.  I told myself that I would dance on his grave, have a party, celebrate this rebirth somehow, but there was no change.  I don't feel any different at all. 

I wanted to add that when you remove someone from your life, there's no set protocol that you have to follow.  You don't have to throw an (admittingly awesome) "I'm cutting you off" party, or send a letter, or even notify that person.  You can do it as quietly as you want to, at your own pace.  Start ignoring her phone calls.  Block her text messages.  You don't owe her an explanation. 

[redroom]

One thing I forgot to add:  When I would fantasize about my uBPDm or uNPDf passing away, in my fantasy it wasn't just one or the other dying, but me killing them.  It would either be me as a child or teen killing them, or me as an adult (but a more successful version of myself) coming back into town, quickly killing my mom or dad, then driving off. 

What I realized about these fantasies was that what I wanted was not to get rid of my parents, not revenge, not to make anyone suffer, but for everyone out there to see exactly what horrible people they were.  No one knew about the abuse I went through, and I would always fantasize about extended family, family friends, classmates, teachers, etc, realizing how horrible my family life was and what was happening to me. 

That's why I create these blameless versions of myself to do the killing.  If I went back and killed my parents in the state I'm in now (and at some point I should mention that I wouldn't hurt a fly!), everyone would see it as an act of a deranged loser who was probably psychotic.  But if Dr. Celebrity-Astronaut Redroom The Good Looking comes into town and murders her mother, then her mother must have deserved it for some reason.  If that even makes sense. 

[DaughterInDespair]

Thank you soo much, Redroom, Clearmind, and GeekyGirl

for responding to my post... .  


Like you, Redroom, I have had (frequent) thoughts of killing my

mother... .  just blasting her into oblivion... .    so that I would finally

be "free"... .  


(... .  Please don't fear that I would ever try to hurt her for real,

though... .  I wouldn't.)



I've just been looking back at my life, and I've seen how I have given

up literally EVERY part of myself, to avoid being attacked as "selfish"... .  


I feel that the best part of my life is over now, and no matter what I

do, I will never find true security and fulfillment.


My main motivation for moving far, far away would be so that my mother

could no longer call me up and say, "Get over here NOW... .  I need your

HELP, damnit!"




I'm also tired of being handcuffed to my disabled sister... .    I'd like to know

what it's like to be able to go out and enjoy myself without having to even

think about her.


I just don't think I'd be strong enough to remain in this area (even though it's

a great city), and be able to stay away when the next "crisis" occurs.


Thank you, though, for talking to me about boundaries... .    I guess that's

what I'm really looking for... .     Boundaries, and a way to truly escape.


Lots of love to you.

[samantha!]

Maybe you can give them over to the authorities.

If you have these feelings, you better get ourself out of the situation before you really do something.

I think this is an alarm sign. It is the same like if you want to hit someone and then you also can get hurt.

I had an violent encounter with my NPDfather last year. Another one the year before. And another one the year before. He never ever accepted my bounderies, he belitteled me, he humilated me before other in  public and I needed in the end an attorney to get rid of his stalking.

I still have an ugly scar from the encounter last year.

Bottom line: GET OUT before something is going to happen.

And something will happen because with Pds they do not accept bounderies AT all, forget it.

It is all the same abuse circle.

There is only one way: OUT as soon as possible.

[mysoulishome]

redroom makes some really good points. The goal of entirely cutting someone out of your life is basically the same as making them dead to you... .   Now, if they really were dead that makes some things easier... .   sadly. You don't have to live with the guilt of making the CHOICE to (figuratively) kill her. You don't have to face the consequences, the anxiety (fear, obligation, guilt). People have a horrible way of expecting you to act out your expected familial role, even when doing so equals misery for you due to your BPD parent.

The wishing dead thing is fairly natural. Imagining actively killing is a bit scary... .   but it is also understandable because it takes away the obligation and it also shuts someone up, finally, who has managed to control, manipulate, abuse you your entire life. If the person always manages to be right and make you feel like *beep* the thought of that "final solution" probably does bring some piece of mind.

My wife answered a call from my sister last night and I hoped for just a second it might bring news that something had happened to my dear mother... .   Disturbing but also disturbing at how much easier it would make my life, and that I have no remorse about it... .  

[WalrusGumboot]

Like you, Redroom, I have had (frequent) thoughts of killing my

mother... .    just blasting her into oblivion... .      so that I would finally

be "free"... .    


(... .    Please don't fear that I would ever try to hurt her for real,

though... .    I wouldn't.)

I can understand. I didn't have a BPD mom, but a BPD wife for 23 years. I used to fantasize about maybe visiting the Grand Canyon, and "accidentally" tripping and bumping her off the edge. Funny how our minds work under duress.

I feel that the best part of my life is over now, and no matter what I

do, I will never find true security and fulfillment.

I'm 6 years older than you and just got my freedom last year. Spent most of my youth with my exBPDw, and felt like you, that my prime is gone and wasted. What I found is that no matter what the age, each day without the pwBPD is a sweet blessing. Even on the cold and gloomy winter days hibernating indoors, knowing I can do what I want to do, when I want to do it (even if it is nothing at all), takes on a whole new meaning and produces contentment. I have learned to count my blessings, because I still could be in that situation... . but I'm not. It just took me to be proactive about changing my situation.

I hope you can find the strength and courage to change your situation as well.

WG

[mysoulishome]

I am 33 and have come to the realization that my entire life I have been a shame-based adult child who has spent most of his life morbidly afraid of being judged by others, not present, just plain miserable.

But look on the bright side. I could have spent my entire life this way and only realize it upon my deathbed. Or never at all. Or abuse my kids and pass my problems on to them. I have a great wife, beautiful kids. I get to see them grow up.

Even if you aren't at a great place it can get so much better. I would rather be a 70 year-old going skydiving than a 20 year-old who is a complete wreck and cries every day. Only the best days are ahead!

[Clearmind]

I am 33 and have come to the realization that my entire life I have been a shame-based adult child who has spent most of his life morbidly afraid of being judged by others, not present, just plain miserable.

But look on the bright side. I could have spent my entire life this way and only realize it upon my deathbed. Or never at all. Or abuse my kids and pass my problems on to them. I have a great wife, beautiful kids. I get to see them grow up.

Even if you aren't at a great place it can get so much better. I would rather be a 70 year-old going skydiving than a 20 year-old who is a complete wreck and cries every day. Only the best days are ahead!

Well said mysoulishome and a wonderful way to see it. I think you hit the nail on the head.

It comes down to choice - we can choose to resist and continue to operate as that shame-based child or learn from it. Learning from it and growing really means we need to sit with the vulnerability and pain that may come up in the process.

Pain leads to growth.