Why am I always blindsided

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Okay, so I used to post in "staying," but now I'm here.

I've noticed the pattern every six-eight months--something sets him off and he'll fly into depression or dysregulation (Frankly, the former is easier to deal with because he is not mean and invalidating then). I've been with him 2 1/2 years. Why am I not yet able to understand that this will happen? Somehow in my mind, even though I am a rational person, I get lulled into how good it is, then BAM! Even though I may notice little things – an edginess, less communication, the incessant ramblings about being persecuted by someone, I am still blindsided.

Does anyone else feel this way? Do you get better at anticipating it over time?

[honeybadger]

Okay, so I used to post in "staying," but now I'm here.

I've noticed the pattern every six-eight months--something sets him off and he'll fly into depression or dysregulation (Frankly, the former is easier to deal with because he is not mean and invalidating then). I've been with him 2 1/2 years. Why am I not yet able to understand that this will happen? Somehow in my mind, even though I am a rational person, I get lulled into how good it is, then BAM! Even though I may notice little things – an edginess, less communication, the incessant ramblings about being persecuted by someone, I am still blindsided.

Does anyone else feel this way? Do you get better at anticipating it over time?

[laelle]

Yours and my situation is exactly alike except his destroying everything you built up phase is every 4 months.

Does yours live in Spain because he sounds so much like mine its got me thinking. 

[LetItBe]

Okay, so I used to post in "staying," but now I'm here.

I've noticed the pattern every six-eight months--something sets him off and he'll fly into depression or dysregulation (Frankly, the former is easier to deal with because he is not mean and invalidating then). I've been with him 2 1/2 years. Why am I not yet able to understand that this will happen? Somehow in my mind, even though I am a rational person, I get lulled into how good it is, then BAM! Even though I may notice little things – an edginess, less communication, the incessant ramblings about being persecuted by someone, I am still blindsided.

Does anyone else feel this way? Do you get better at anticipating it over time?

I hear you, honeybadger, and I feel the same way!  I got comfortable after we reunited, things seemed pretty peaceful and consistent, then I noticed little things exactly like you described (an edginess, how he stopped acknowledging emails I sent, rambled about being manipulated by someone), and somehow, I still felt blindsided by his withdrawal and dysregulation after we had what I thought was a very loving, agreeable conversation (which he quickly erased in his mind so that he could project his bad feelings onto me).

I, too, am wondering if I can better anticipate this in the future, and I'm also questioning if I can radically accept this if it's going to remain a roller-coaster ride with such huge dips and dives.

[hithere]

I still don't get the 6-8 months thing... .  so you are saying he has lost it 3-4 times in 2.5 years?  That does not sound like BPD to me.  I think I read a few of your posts but perhaps you could explain a little more about what happens every 6-8 months, sometimes you say it is just a bout of depression?

[laelle]

I honestly think the mask cracks and all those emotions they try to control go pouring out.  Because they have had to control them for us, and we are the closest person, we get it all in our face.  Mine could control his for about 4 months and then he looses his control. I had a mask too.

Trying to keep my emotions mostly underwraps so as not to anger the tiger.  After a while I get fed up of not being able to express myself.

So me with my feelings of being invalidated and shushed for so long, and him with his inability to control his emotions, it ends badly.

He had deep depression and anxiety at the same time.  I often wondered if he is a rapid cycling, mixed state bipolar as his moods changed minute by minute.  

Or it could have just been him manipulating me to get the type of reaction he was seeking.  Who knows.

[daze]

Same here except uBPDh has more rapid cycles. I never know what's going to set him off til after it happens because it usually isn't me.  I know when it's me.  It's usually kid-related, ex-wife, FOO, work. LOTS of triggers. Then I find out and I'm like "of course".  His cycles are so short or he has so many potential triggers, that I should never relax and be complacent. Hard to believe that I can forget or be lulled.

[honeybadger]

Hithere, No, he has BPD; I wish it wasn't so. Those are just the major periods. All the other symptoms are there.

We have at least one minor dysregulation/depression a month or every few weeks.

[ADecadeLost]

I become complacent with my BPDw as well, but 6 to 8 months would be a welcomed reprieve in my case.  These last few years while on medication, my wife goes off the deep end every one to two months on average.  Since leaving her medication to begin DBT, however, she has returned to her prior form where she seems to have a dysregulated episode every two weeks or so.  I can usually sense the build up in advance, but every once in a while I am caught by surprise.

Today at lunch for example, I left a small portion of the meal she had prepared (we've been trying to drop a few pounds) and she demanded I eat it.  I was taken a little aback, but simply told her it was delicious, but I was stuffed.  Next thing I knew, she was cursing at me and telling me she would never cook again if I didn't like her food.  It of course spiraled into accusations of me not loving her and I eventually had to step away.  Considering how peaceful the last few days have been and how relaxed the day had been though, I never really saw it coming.