Changed, because I was here

[Cumulus]

I want to first say thank you to the many who spend hours on this site helping others out. I am one of those others. I want to tell you how this last month of reading and posting has changed me. And have I been reading. I don't think there is an article on here that I haven't read yet. I am going through a book every two to three days, many recommended by this site. I have been directed to places like Sounds True, Greater Good Science Centre and others and have read articles or listened to podcasts on their sites as well. I had no idea these resources existed.

I have two adult daughters. They are the loves of my life and have been extremely supportive to me during this time of separation and divorce from their father. I know it hasn't been easy for them, even as adults we have torn loyalties toward our parents. I spent last weekend with one of my daughters and her family. It was lovely. But, not as lovely as I thought. I got a text from her Monday saying how hurt she had been about this and about that. As I always do I quickly responded, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, I understand and will try to be more accommodating in the future. Then I cried. Then I just wanted to go away where no one knows me and I would never let anyone know me. All I have ever had to love in this life was my kids and now they don't want my love. What a useless human being I am. If only I could just be gone, unmissed, unloved, uncared for my entire life. Time to put the stone walls of my heart back into place. Then the voice started down another tract, after all you do for your kids, and this is the thanks you get. Stop right there. The neon light went on. This is exactly what I had been reading about, how people who give and give eventually become resentful when they continually disregard their own needs for others. The words in my head could have come right from the book. I gave it a couple of days and sat down and wrote my dear daughter an email back. This time not only apologizing for my lack of awareness but also lovingly pointing out that the hurt she expressed seemed to be out of proportion to the event and asked her to look and see why that might be so. I had two thoughts on why which I shared with her. I also realized, and wrote to her, that we didn't just walk on eggshells around their BPDf but that it had become our family dynamic and we acted that way around each other as well. When I sent the email a little bit of the stone broke. I was giving myself the gift of hearing me. When I received her loving email back the stone didn't stand a chance. My relationship with my daughter has always been good and loving but I think now it has the potential to become deep and strong, knowing that our love isn't conditional for what we may do or say in a moment of frustration. And that our love is deep enough that it can hear hard things and overcome those difficulties. I feel as though I have taken a mile long step this week. How something so gut wrenching has turned into a bond.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi Cumulus,  This sounds like real growth to me.  Light can, and definitely does come from the darkness, if we allow it through.  What I hear you doing is speaking to your truth.  Some days I do this better than others, and that is ok.  What I need to remember is that I am trying to live a better life and be true to myself.  If I am not true to myself, what good am I to others?

[Whatwasthat]

Thanks so much for posting that Cumulus. That's what I call inspiring!

WWT. 

[DreamGirl]

This brought tears to my eyes, Cumulus.

What a shift you made as to where your thoughts lead you... .  

I love those little voices in our head that keep us grounded. Your daughter is so lucky to have you as a Mama.

[arabella]

Congratulations, Cumulus! What a positive step for you and your family! And congratulations as well to your daughter, who obviously took your email to heart and opened herself up to you. After years of dysfunction that must have been difficult for both of you. So, amazing job all around! Thank you for the inspiration! 

[myself]

Beautiful. Thanks for sharing this. It's choosing growth over being frozen!

[Cumulus]

Kind words so much appreciated.   I really do believe that some day when I look back on this I will point to this event and say that was when I turned the corner, when my life really changed direction. Nothing is an instant fix, I am still alone and lonely, the simmering anxiety persists but what did change was this feeling of hope that sprung up. Hope not just to get through all this but hope that I can and will leave it behind. Hope that there is a different way of relating to people you love, one that is open and honest and forgiving. Hope that my relationships with my family and friends can be more meaningful, that the connections are stronger. Hope that I can let go of the rescuer/ need me role and just need to be me.

[Maryiscontrary]

Yes, kudos applause. You do it.

[Mountaineagle]

Wow! That is awesome Cumulus. I am really happy for you. I think the more you do for yourself the happier you will get. You are a giver, and you have given so much, so the source is within you! 

I want to share something I learned that relates to your previous post about anxiety. I discovered today that the slow anxiety is a self whip I have inside, where I do not feel comfortable unless I work or do something, and when I don't I somehow feel guilty. It is a really unconscious, almost like a hidden principle, kind of drive. Allowing my self a break is hard. And allowing my self fun and joy is also hard because of "the whip". It's like I don't do enough. Even though 80% of my energy goes to working out this situation. I will now turn my attention to that, and try to give myself a guilt-free break later. 

[C12P21]

Kind words so much appreciated.   I really do believe that some day when I look back on this I will point to this event and say that was when I turned the corner, when my life really changed direction. Nothing is an instant fix, I am still alone and lonely, the simmering anxiety persists but what did change was this feeling of hope that sprung up. Hope not just to get through all this but hope that I can and will leave it behind. Hope that there is a different way of relating to people you love, one that is open and honest and forgiving. Hope that my relationships with my family and friends can be more meaningful, that the connections are stronger. Hope that I can let go of the rescuer/ need me role and just need to be me.

Thank you for this inspiring post. 

[maria1]

Cumulus

Your post made my eyes water and it also made the hairs on my head stand up. I have two children aged 10 and 7 and am struggling co-parenting them with an alcoholic father. They have to look after him and they try and look after my emotions too. I want to look after them. Their dad isn't BPD but he's pretty messed up, and so am I.

I look forward to them being adults so that I can have that real conversation with them.

Great respect to you on your journey with us. I appreciate the way you share so honestly and how you haven't focused on everything that is wrong with you pwBPD. It shone out of you from the day you joined this site that you understood and wanted to understand.