How do I start really believing that I deserve more?

[Finished]

Last thing ... .   I don't think that you lied to your exboyfriends ... .   It sounds like you had perfectly valid relationships with them ... .   Those relationships ran their course and ended for one reason or another ... .   More than likely because they were not a good fit for you ... .  

Just like your ex girlfriend isn't a good fit for you ... .  

And, unless you get really lucky, the next relationship will probably end too at some point ... .   Eventually you will find the right person ... .  

Just because one partner was male and another female does not validate nor invalidate the relationship ... .  

Each had it's reasons to exist. Each taught you something. Each added something to the ex bf/gf.

How does your being gay mean that you weren't involved with these people? It doesn't.

Sadly, few people date one person and then marry them and stay happy with them for the rest of their lives. Most people have to try on a few different "people" until they find the right one that fits.

[Seb]

Thank you, Finished, that means a lot to me. Yep... .   they just weren't the right fit for me. I know I should be looking at my exgf as doing me a favour, dumping me and cutting me out. I know this, rationally, it just still stings sometimes, especially when I feel lonely/unloveable. But I know she wasn't right for me. Her values weren't compatible with mine. I need to keep reminding myself that I should want more from life, I should want reciprocal love, not her love... .   and why she wasn't right for me. It's hard to break the feeling of one person being able to fix all this damage. But I know she can't. I know it's not hers to fix. This is pain that she's uncovered - she didn't cause it. I can see that now. I would never gotten involved with her to the level that I did had I been well and whole.

Eventually you will find the right person ... .  

I really hope so. Seems such a long way off. But I really really hope so. Thanks  

[seeking balance]

SB, and Finished, thank you for pointing out the positives in all this - I can treat this as a fresh start. What a painful way to be inducted in to all this - with a disordered and wounded person - but without her I'm not sure I would ever have had this opportunity. So... .   maybe that's the silver lining in all this? She's given me the opportunity to finally learn to accept and love myself.

Most people who are our "firsts" are a bit... .   well... .   unstable.  If you think about it logically, being someone's first comes with a huge responsibility - anyone who does this and then is flippant is likely emotionally immature and using you for an ego boost.  Might sound jaded, sorry if it does, but coming out is a big deal - being someone's first is a big deal... .   I certainly would not be someone's first... .   way too much emotional responsibility. 

But thank goodness for these people, right?  I mean - you had your first love and that is wonderful.  You will survive the heartbreak, you will learn about yourself and because you are 30, you likely won't do some of the foolish things I did at 22 LOL.

Be kind to yourself in this journey - you know love, that is a really good thing.

[Seb]

You know, I think I completely forget the relevance of what you just said. My ex has a thing for 'straight' girls. Every girl that I know of her being with is 'straight', or at least they are when they meet her. I only know of one lesbian she dated briefly for a few weeks before me, but she wasn't interested in her at all, apparently. When I came on the scene, she ditched her very quickly (by all accounts).

She clung on to me so hard when I did fall for her, and she couldn't believe it, telling me she'd never leave, she wanted me to marry her, etc. Of course, her disordered feelings came in to play and she was always convinced I was going to leave her and the whole crazy behaviour began, acting out, triangulating, hyper-sensitivity, you name it.

At 28, she has been many girls 'first' - 12 girls that I can name -  and will continue to be by the looks of things. And yes, she is very unstable.

I know you're right... .   I can see now that this was never going to work out. I was guilty of listening to her words, when I had a stack of evidence (and people) telling me to stay away from her because she was bad news. This was a big lesson learned for me, and reminds me of why I can't ever look back - got to keep moving forward on to something healthy and real.

[Cardinals in Flight]

SB... .   embarrassed that I'm 30 and coming out. I'm just expecting people to feel like I've been lying to them and they'll feel I've let them down.

When you say emotionally I'm about 16 when it comes to dating - is that because this was my first 'real' relationship, with love and true emotions involved? I have definitely been naive, romantically.

Hey Seb!  I've read along here sporadically and just wanted to lend my support and empathy as the others have!  Not much here in the way of counsel but I wanted you to know that I was the "family tragedy", or as I like to say, the "pink sheep of the family".  Think you came out late? Well, I was 40 and had 4 children! 

Brought home a tom-boy best friend when I was in high school and was told by my mom to NEVER bring that kind home again... .   there began the quest to be the perfect child, playing over and over the negative tapes in my head that I once believed were true!

Fast forward to two and half years ago when I became involved with my XBPDg/f.  I thought she was the greatest thing since sliced bread! Introduced her proudly as my g/f which opened up the shame can, and on to the first time she raged at me.  I'd always been a happy person and I can say that I am happy now with myself but it took some getting here let me tell ya!  I completely own my part of the r/s, but also have learned way more about myself and the "why" I got into this and it's been eye popping and great for personal growth!

I feel like an adult, a happy, productive member of society.  Since I had been in therapy for almost ten years, I did have the help and support of a wonderful counselor to set me straight on several issues *snort*, number one being that I DESERVE BETTER!  Yeah, that old thing... .   but I believe it, and with an open heart and mind, I know that it will come!

Good luck! Don't give up on love, but more importantly, do not, repeat, do NOT give up on yourself!

[Seb]

Hey... .   Cardinals... .   thanks for your message and support, I really appreciate it.  

I am processing all of this very slowly and trying to come to terms with everything. One step at a time.  I think I'm getting to the point where I can try to accept this as me, and not feel ashamed, guilty or faulty because of it. I just feel that I'll be judged as 'other' by people, as not 'normal'. I know I shouldn't care... .   but it's a scary concept right now. Not scary enough to stop me, or get me back in the closet, but just scary that I have to deal with this now. I wish I'd come out when I was 16 - before I'd met the majority of people that I know now. I wish they knew me as gay from day one, rather than the big shock all these years later. It always amazes me that some kids are so brave to do it in their teens - but I guess they didn't feel the same level of shame?

... .   or maybe they're just a lot braver than me! 

It's interesting what you say about your mother making that comment to you, and that affecting you enough to stay in the closet til recently. That's awful   Funny how those key points stick with us, and shape us.  I played hockey and here in the UK there seem to be a very high percentage of gay girls - like our version of the joke about women's softball in America. I remember there were lots of lesbians in the team, as a teenager. None of them were out, but it was very obvious who the gay girls were (except me!). I knew my family didn't like this one girl who was clearly gay, neither did I really. She was cocky, brash, loud, arrogant, you name it. She just rubbed me up the wrong way, I felt at the time. I do wonder though, if I didn't like her because she was gay and I didn't like that part of myself - subconsciously? And so I learned to supress it? I don't know if my family didn't like her, but I assumed they did because she was very different to the rest of us and loud, etc. In my head they didn't like her because she was gay, not 'normal', and because I could see those slight reactions which told me they didn't like her, I just assumed it was because she was gay. I think this was something that definitely made me feel lesser, and ashamed of who I was.


I tried to talk to my sister about shame last night, and how feeling shame has affected me and therefore partner selection. She didn't really know what I was talking about. She knew about my exgf, but thinks now that I've gone back to being straight because it's over.  I've been psyching myself up to have 'the talk' with everyone. I'll chat to it with my T on Wednesday, when I get back down to Exeter after Easter break.  It's just hard right now, every day I feel like I'm having to focus on the positives and not even consider feeling upset/down. I have so much work on/stress at the moment, it's overwhelming - I'm completing a 3 year condensed degree in a year.  I love music - and consider myself a real music lover, bands, alternative stuff, you name it - but I can't listen to my usual stuff lately, for fear of it setting me off. Honestly, the questionable stuff I've just bought from iTunes to pick me up would make the old me cry!  

I looked at her my exes fb earlier, which made me feel sick, as the flings were all there liking her new profile picture. Made me have that pit in my stomach just seeing them there, and the sense of upset, injustice to think that I'm the one she's treating like this, as if I don't exist. It truly makes the mind boggle.  

I want to become totally detached now. I don't want to care at all about what she's doing or who she's still in contact with. I know she's not healthy, or happy, but it hurt to see that. I keep telling myself today that at least I am ready to face reality and work hard to better myself and live an open and honest life... .   while she's still terrified of coming out, terrified of letting people in, running away, masking her pain. I know I'm in a much better position than she is, because I'm the one that's prepared to face my issues head on and deal with them.  

I know all this is slow and painful work - just today feel like I could click my fingers and be 'there' already.

Thanks for your support, all. This board and you guys here, you're my lifeline and I appreciate it so very much. I don't really have many lesbian friends - I have acquaintances that are gay, but no one in my circle/entire family that's gay - just me!  

Thank you  

[Seb]

Feeling incredibly low tonight. Very very sad.

My cousin was out for dinner with her group of friends, which included my ex, and I just can't stop feeling so upset about it all.

I just can't get it out of my head - I want her to feel this pain that she's put me through.  :'(