Possible to remain friends?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Before our relationship, we were the best of friends. it was the reason why we got together. It just felt natural to be more than friends. While the last few years have been a roller coaster, it was still an amazing time. I know what I want in a relationship, and I know I cant have it with her. And for her, as she put it, "what ever connection we once had, is gone now." That said, we still have fun together. She's made it clear she doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore. And after the things she's done lately, I can say I dont have the same feelings for her either anymore. She's not the person I fell in love with. That person is gone. Even though its a different person now, she is still nice, and I do want to be supportive, but as a friend. We can have civil conversations with out either of us being spiteful, etc.

Im not looking for a recycle, and judging by her past, she doesn't seem to be the type to do that. So Im not too worried about that. Im just curious if anyone has had any success with remaining friends with someone with BPD after their relationship was over. Most of the posts Ive read here deal with detaching and going NC, but thats just not for me. Ive cut people out of my life in the past, and its not something I like to do. And despite her mental illness, she does have many good qualities. She's still a friend I would like to have, if I can.

[inepted]

Before our relationship, we were the best of friends. it was the reason why we got together. It just felt natural to be more than friends. While the last few years have been a roller coaster, it was still an amazing time. I know what I want in a relationship, and I know I cant have it with her. And for her, as she put it, "what ever connection we once had, is gone now." That said, we still have fun together. She's made it clear she doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore. And after the things she's done lately, I can say I dont have the same feelings for her either anymore. She's not the person I fell in love with. That person is gone. Even though its a different person now, she is still nice, and I do want to be supportive, but as a friend. We can have civil conversations with out either of us being spiteful, etc.

Im not looking for a recycle, and judging by her past, she doesn't seem to be the type to do that. So Im not too worried about that. Im just curious if anyone has had any success with remaining friends with someone with BPD after their relationship was over. Most of the posts Ive read here deal with detaching and going NC, but thats just not for me. Ive cut people out of my life in the past, and its not something I like to do. And despite her mental illness, she does have many good qualities. She's still a friend I would like to have, if I can.

[forgetthepast]

Can you remain friends?  The short answer... .  No.  The long answer... .  No way!

[mango_flower]

Every situation is different - depends on the individual. I wouldn't say it's impossible but you will need very firm boundaries! A lot of people here will say no... .  I am an eternal optimist! x

[LuckyEscapee]

I would say no, and don't invest anymore effort/energy trying.

We used to be great friends, but now I know his personality is fragile and changes, often being destructive to me in the process.

I have wonderful friends, I am blessed.   Among a million wonderful attributes, they are stable, always there for me, like me for me, are caring and I would trust them with my life.

My ex wants to be friends again, but zero trust or liking makes it impossible! With friends like him I wouldn't need enemies.

[patientandclear]

I spent 10 months in complete NC with my uBPDexbf.  Then I thought I had accepted that life was so full of triggers for him that there was just no chance he could maintain a stable romantic relationship, and therefore, I would accept that friends was the most we could be.  I reconnected with him on that basis, in all sincerity, intending that we would only be friends.

It got very confusing very quickly because he would pull me very, very close emotionally, then distance me, then pull me very close again ... .  and when we were close it was in ways that he didn't seem to have experienced with other people, so it seemed special, and important.  (And I think it was/is.)  But the point is, maintaining clarity about the boundary between friendship and something more was quite hard, because he very much wanted to blur that line -- so we could be incredibly emotionally intimate, but he would have no obligations that would preclude him from stepping away when he needed to, when the closeness got to be too much.

So I would say it was hard, but we were doing it, and it was very worthwhile to me, though it was also very challenging to me to maintain appropriate expectations, that is to say, no expectations, about what this was and might end up being.

Then after we'd had a period of pretty significant growth, figuring out how to navigate through some hard issues, he suddenly decided to leave town indefinitely.  He's a long ways away now, maybe never coming back.  It's been pretty destructive of our relationship, because as close as we were when he left, because it was not an avowedly romantic relationship, it was as if he completely discounted the impact of his departure on me and on us, and of course, he broke no rule or deal between us when he decided to go.  It just hurt, a lot.

I consider that we still are friends, and will remain friends.  But it certainly is a demanding and confusing friendship, not for the faint of heart, not if you are actually underneath seeking a romantic relationship.  Even though I wasn't, it was/is so hard not to start yearning for that when things are good between us.  So -- if you try it, my counsel is to be ultra clear on what it is, and what it isn't, and don't be tempted to forget everything you know about BPD just because, without the pressure of an avowed love relationship, your pwBPD is warm and intimate with you.

[sad but wiser]

Patient and clear, Ouch!  That really hurts.  No, BPD relationships sure aren't for the faint of heart.  I was always amazed at how much I could endure, maybe a little proud of it, too.  Doesn't that sound ridiculous?

My answer regarding friendship, no, not exactly.  You can be friendly, but I don't think you can be best friends.  That requires trust, give and take and a certain amount of empathy on the part of both parties.  BPDers aren't equipped for it.

You can, however, have some very interesting spiritual/philosophical discussions with them.

[inepted]

I spent 10 months in complete NC with my uBPDexbf.  Then I thought I had accepted that life was so full of triggers for him that there was just no chance he could maintain a stable romantic relationship, and therefore, I would accept that friends was the most we could be.  I reconnected with him on that basis, in all sincerity, intending that we would only be friends.

It got very confusing very quickly because he would pull me very, very close emotionally, then distance me, then pull me very close again ... .  and when we were close it was in ways that he didn't seem to have experienced with other people, so it seemed special, and important.  (And I think it was/is.)  But the point is, maintaining clarity about the boundary between friendship and something more was quite hard, because he very much wanted to blur that line -- so we could be incredibly emotionally intimate, but he would have no obligations that would preclude him from stepping away when he needed to, when the closeness got to be too much.

So I would say it was hard, but we were doing it, and it was very worthwhile to me, though it was also very challenging to me to maintain appropriate expectations, that is to say, no expectations, about what this was and might end up being.

Then after we'd had a period of pretty significant growth, figuring out how to navigate through some hard issues, he suddenly decided to leave town indefinitely.  He's a long ways away now, maybe never coming back.  It's been pretty destructive of our relationship, because as close as we were when he left, because it was not an avowedly romantic relationship, it was as if he completely discounted the impact of his departure on me and on us, and of course, he broke no rule or deal between us when he decided to go.  It just hurt, a lot.

I consider that we still are friends, and will remain friends.  But it certainly is a demanding and confusing friendship, not for the faint of heart, not if you are actually underneath seeking a romantic relationship.  Even though I wasn't, it was/is so hard not to start yearning for that when things are good between us.  So -- if you try it, my counsel is to be ultra clear on what it is, and what it isn't, and don't be tempted to forget everything you know about BPD just because, without the pressure of an avowed love relationship, your pwBPD is warm and intimate with you.

I guess Im a little lucky in that sense. She seems hell bent on keeping me at bay emotionally. There isn't any push or pull. Granted it has only been a month and a half. And Ive seen how she has been with her past relationships. No effort to ever reconnect with anyone at all. In fact, I could honestly walk away from her right now, and I can be 90% certain she would not try to reconnect. She's insanely stubborn in that sense.  As much as I know I probably should, thats just not me.

And honestly, with the things she has done since we broke up, I cant even see her in any romantic way anymore. Almost to the point it sometimes feels the past few years were just a figment of my imagination.

Patient and clear, Ouch!  That really hurts.  No, BPD relationships sure aren't for the faint of heart.  I was always amazed at how much I could endure, maybe a little proud of it, too.  Doesn't that sound ridiculous?

My answer regarding friendship, no, not exactly.  You can be friendly, but I don't think you can be best friends.  That requires trust, give and take and a certain amount of empathy on the part of both parties.  BPDers aren't equipped for it.

You can, however, have some very interesting spiritual/philosophical discussions with them.

It makes sense. She is doing DBT, and I would like to think she is working on herself. I know I cant be best friends right now, but as you put it, I think we can be friendly. Sometimes I just have to roll my eyes at the things she says. It does make me believe she is capable of trust. Im not sure why, but she is still more honest with me than she is with her own therapist and parents. Which does make things awkward though because there are some things they should really know. But, Ive made it clear Im not getting involved, so whatever happens, happens. Empathy on her part though, youre right. It still surprises me how she lacks empathy now that we aren't together.

[sad but wiser]

Yes - BPD that develops out of unmet baby needs or trauma leaves the person in that state.  As you probably know, babies aren't concerned with anyone but themselves.  Developing empathy in a young child isn't an easy task, and if the parents don't do it, the child is in danger of being totally selfish for a lifetime.

 

Regarding that odd feeling that the past few years were a figment of your imagination - I totally get that.  I feel the same way, and it is very odd.

[NonBPDSpouse]

It all depends on you and her, and if you can make a clean break. 

If you were friends before the relationship became sexual, It may be possible to return to "just friends" as long as their are no children or dependency issues. 

[charred]

No way... .  if you were 100% over them you might be capable of it, but you wouldn't be asking if that were the case, as you would know. When I broke it off with my pwBPD, I didn't want to be cruel the way she had been at one time, just abruptly dumping me with no explanation, so I met with her and answered all her questions and offered to be friends... and she agreed, then shortly thereafter was attacking me and pleading and then said that she couldn't just be friends, because she wasn't going to be this helping resource while I was uncommitted, and she sure wasn't going to stand by idly while I was with someone else. The friends status isn't going to bid well with someone that fears abandonment, when they see you abandoning them. If you know who Jodi Arias is... .  she was broke up with her boyfriend Travis Alexander... .  but still friends... .  when she shot him twice in the head, stabbed him 29 times and slit his throat... bit dramatic, but an example of how being friends with a pwBPD can work out.

I would be out of the r/s if you can, or in it if you must, but I wouldn't try straddling it by being friends. Too much emotion.

[mtmc01]

I wouldn't recommend it. We need to detach and move on. Mourn the death of the people we thought we knew, and we will eventually find someone better for us. At least I hope that will be the case.

[just_think]

I used to think that NC was the only way (and it is for a while) but depending on the severity of the symptoms, I could see it as possible now.

The point of NC is so that you no longer have emotional attachment and can view things for what they are.  

The other thing to remember is that as long you stick around, she will view that as validation for her behavior.  Maybe you are ok with that.  I'm personally not ok with someone who treated me as less than her having me on call and adding me to her harem on facebook for when she needs a pick me up. Mine was more towards the narcissistic end of the spectrum and I'm hardly a second thought to her anymore, however with the more BPD and self harming ones, you are also dealing with emotional volatility that could be triggered by anything you do (e.g. getting a new girlfriend) and could lead to some really bad things for either her or you.

I was just telling my therapist the other day that we had great chemistry and probably could have been friends had the whole romantic thing not entered the picture.  She was quick to point out that while true, it would likely be a shallow friendship - not there is anything wrong with it, just that it would be. We all have shallow friendships and deeper ones. The problem with our relationship wasn't that we didn't get along wonderfully, but that I wanted to dive in the ocean and she wanted to keep it in the kiddie pool.  Sometimes lounging in the kiddie pool with a tallboy on a saturday afternoon can be fun, but you aren't going to find any sunken treasure there.

[jj2121]

I would say no. As I tried this for months and I realised she was manipulating me,telling me she loved me etc,even slept with her again. This was all happening whilst she was talking to other guys. Seemed she would only contact me to help herself with no regard for my feelings at all.

[GreenMango]

Inepted do you mean as an Acquaintance? Or Friend?

[dharmagems]

I would say no.  There can also be a chance for you to get attached to her again because she will "lure" you in.  Sure my exhBPD had great qualities but the other qualities were absolutely devestating and jolting.  It took me so much work and energy to leave and so for me it's like going backwards. 

[ScotisGone74]

Who cares if it is possible, the bigger question is Why would you want to?

so you can stay close to them? so you can 'help' them? so you can rekindle the relationship? All are not good ideas with BPD's.  Eventually the same things that she reasoned she didn't want a relationship will come up in not wanting to be friends with you anymore  more than likely. 

with 'friends' like my expwBPD who needs enemies?

[WT]

with 'friends' like my expwBPD who needs enemies?