Help me get over the jealousy of her possibly having sex.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

When I first met my ex-BPD wife, her and I had this incredible sex life.  We were usually having sex at least 10 times per week.  It was exciting, she seemed so in tune with me, and she obviously really turned me on.  She would often rave to her friends about how good our sex was.

Then... .  we got married.  We were married for almost 3 years and I think we only had sex 10 to 12 times during our entire marriage.  She wouldn't even hug me or kiss me.  It was just devastating.  I was so attracted to this woman and she just would push me away when I tried to get intimate... .  and it would ruin my confidence.  She was in what they call the devaulation period after the honeymoon was over.  Finally I just snapped (long story) and our relationship was over.

My wife also struggled with depression and gained at least 40 pounds while we were married.  I, on the other hand, worked out constantly and had very little body fat and still do - so she felt sort of embarrassed about her body around me because I was so lean.

Four months after we divorced, she already started seeing someone and has lost a bunch of weight and looks amazing.  I don't know who the guy is, or how serious they are.  However, I cannot get the image of her re-awakening her sex life with this guy and them having lots of sex.  I feel so inadequate and jealous, like she is doing so much for this guy but neglecting me - who guy truly loved her, supported her, and was married to her!  It is like she is subconsciously rubbing it in my face that she gets to have sex again. 

It is just incredibly heartbreaking because she once was so sexual with me prior to marriage.

Meanwhile, I have had no desire to date or even see girls in a sexual way since the divorce.  It is just sickening.  I don't know what is wrong with me.  I look at girls and just don't get turned on in any way.  It is such an empty feeling.  But I fantasize about having sex with my ex-wife.   It is torment.

I know it will be a matter of time before she gets fat again and her rebound relationship will be over, but right now... .  it's just psychologically damaging.   

What can I do to get through this?



 

[expos]

When I first met my ex-BPD wife, her and I had this incredible sex life.  We were usually having sex at least 10 times per week.  It was exciting, she seemed so in tune with me, and she obviously really turned me on.  She would often rave to her friends about how good our sex was.

Then... .  we got married.  We were married for almost 3 years and I think we only had sex 10 to 12 times during our entire marriage.  She wouldn't even hug me or kiss me.  It was just devastating.  I was so attracted to this woman and she just would push me away when I tried to get intimate... .  and it would ruin my confidence.  She was in what they call the devaulation period after the honeymoon was over.  Finally I just snapped (long story) and our relationship was over.

My wife also struggled with depression and gained at least 40 pounds while we were married.  I, on the other hand, worked out constantly and had very little body fat and still do - so she felt sort of embarrassed about her body around me because I was so lean.

Four months after we divorced, she already started seeing someone and has lost a bunch of weight and looks amazing.  I don't know who the guy is, or how serious they are.  However, I cannot get the image of her re-awakening her sex life with this guy and them having lots of sex.  I feel so inadequate and jealous, like she is doing so much for this guy but neglecting me - who guy truly loved her, supported her, and was married to her!  It is like she is subconsciously rubbing it in my face that she gets to have sex again. 

It is just incredibly heartbreaking because she once was so sexual with me prior to marriage.

Meanwhile, I have had no desire to date or even see girls in a sexual way since the divorce.  It is just sickening.  I don't know what is wrong with me.  I look at girls and just don't get turned on in any way.  It is such an empty feeling.  But I fantasize about having sex with my ex-wife.   It is torment.

I know it will be a matter of time before she gets fat again and her rebound relationship will be over, but right now... .  it's just psychologically damaging.   

What can I do to get through this?



 

[sad but wiser]

  Knowledge is power.  If you understand what is happening, you won't take it so personally.  Seriously, I thought I had done something wrong when my newlywed husband preferred the couch to our bed.  As the marriage progressed, I felt less and less attractive, because he just didn't seem to notice me, no matter what.  Other men did, though, and he would get super jealous, even though I was very careful to discourage any passes.  It was like he didn't want me, but he didn't want anyone else to have me, either.  The worst of all is when I would come in to kiss him goodnight while he was watching tv and he would sigh really loudly like I was interrupting something vital, even though he could pause the show.  Great - I was so important to him.

  Anyway, of course she is looking for someone else.  It is her way of being validated.  Just don't envy him and DON'T try to prove anything by sleeping with her again when she recycles you.  (No, recycling is not a green jobs program in BPD land.)  The last thing you need is a STD!

[Hurt llama]

I am not sure who said this but perhaps Machiavelli.

Paraphrase, "the fate of the new king can be determined by the fate of the old king".

I knew this going into my torturous relationship that caused me the worst pain imaginable but now that finally the clouds are starting to lift, I almost find some twisted humor in knowing that whomever my ex is sleeping with, is in for the worst ride of his life.

Stay strong... .  Living well is the best revenge.

[NonBPDSpouse]

"What can I do to get through this?"


A:  Get a brand new girlfriend   

[Clearmind]

expos sex is an act, intimacy is emotional closeness - something she is not capable of.

Sex without intimacy is very unrewarding. Mistaking sexual attraction for love and emotional intimacy is not an indicator of a healthy relationship.

Sex may have been off the charts however it cannot be used to assess the rest of someones character. Place too much importance on sex, and what it means we negate the need to look further into whether a person is actually a compatible life partner.

Intimacy with sex is wonderful - way more rewarding -  it shows love, care, trust, and respect you have for another partner. Your ex does not see sex in this light.

[laelle]

"Stay strong... .  Living well is the best revenge."

[marbleloser]

expos,can you see the disordered thinking here? She's 4 months out of a marriage and she's already trying to attach to someone.That's not healthy.

When my stbx and I seperated in Feb of 2012,she quickly started going through other guys,while accusing me of cheating.After a few months,I too had a couple of flings.I needed some way to build my self esteem,and I thought that was how.During the flings,I felt how wrong it was for me to do that,so I stopped.You can fill that void you have with someone else,for a while at least.The only true way to fill it is to learn to love and like yourself. You need space,and time,to find yourself again.You can't do that while going from RS to RS.

My stbx has been through at least 6-8 guys since Feb of 2012,all the while claiming she isn't.It's been embarassing to our D,who has friends in the school where the stbx works,because she's showing these kids the love letters she writing to them and their pictures.They of course,tell our D this.When 10th graders are talking about how bad your morals are,you'd think you'd at least take a look inside.

This only thing you can do is detach from her.You certainly don't want to take a chance at an std.I've lived that nightmare and luckily I tested clean.These days,it seems common sense isn't all that common.

Go out with friends.Pick up that hobby you set aside.Take your own time to mourn the RS.Enjoy the time you have to yourself.It won't last forever and you'll be able to be yourself when someone new does enter the picture.Look at your own shortcomings and work on them,so that your new SO can enjoy and love you,and you her in return.Think of it as preparing yourself for true love.

[expos]

expos,can you see the disordered thinking here? She's 4 months out of a marriage and she's already trying to attach to someone.That's not healthy.

I was in utter disbelief when she told me this.  I wondered how was she able to properly contribute anything to a relationship, but really, how she felt she needed someone in her life to make things better.  It seems like she just threw herself at the first thing that walked through the door, or gave her anything sort of attention.  Or maybe she's actually lying and just said these things to make me jealous?  I don't even know... .  

However, what is far more disturbing to me is her obsession with marriage and having kids.  When she married me, it was something she got to check off her list of life achievements.   Then she wanted to have kids with me but it's a little tough to do that when you are having sex only once every five months!  

She is 30 years old.  She is simply fast-tracking people so that she can be married again.  I always felt that she had a clock that she lived by to keep up her social status and appearance to others.  She seemed more heartbroken that she would be labeled a "divorcee" than actually losing me.  When I pulled the plug on our relationship, she made no attempt to reconcile at all.   It was very disturbing.

I know that I cannot be with her for these reasons, but the sex is just so powerful.  When I had sex with her, I would always tell her how I much I loved her during the act.  Its too much to think about these things now... .  

[tailspin]

expos 

I know how much this hurts but at least you have the resources available to you now... .  and you can begin to untangle the knot.  There are countless examples on this board and elsewhere describing how great and intense the sex was before marriage and how everything fell apart once the ring is on their finger. 

It's important to not confuse intensity with intimacy.  Sex without commitment (marriage) is intense for those suffring this disorder, but once their intimacy fear is triggered all bets are off.  This is why she let herself go and this is why she wasn't interested in having sex with you anymore.  The intimacy of marriage triggered her and she pulled away from you.

What she is now experiencing with this other guy is the beginning of the repetitive pattern she will repeat the remainder of her life.  She is incapable of understanding her patterns of behavior but you have the ability to see through all this and understand the nature of her mental illness.  She both craves and is afraid of being close to anyone.

It's so hard not to take all this personally because it is personal to us.  You have to go a step above and see everything from a macro view of how her illness impacted your marriage and how her illness drove her behaviors.  You have to also let go of how things used to be in the beginning because it was an illusion of how they wished they could be and how we wanted to see them. 

tailspin

[haliewa1]

Sometimes the only consolation you have is that you aren't still going through what her new bf is going through today!  I can't say how many times I've wondered whether my exBPDgf was behaving the same way she did with me but I know for a fact that she is raging and idealizing and all those wonderful  things that go into a weekend day culminating in having sex but only to go through the charade again and again tomorrow!

Slowly but surely it starts to come around and you won't be where she will always be her entire lifetime!

[expos]

Thanks for the replies.  I think it's just the fear of the unknown that is just killing me.  I have done everything that I can to forget about her.  I deleted her phone numbers from my phone, blocked her from viewing my facebook page, stored all of our wedding/engagement photos in box and taped it shut.

I never wrote her any emails that talked about our relationship.  I tried to disappear.

It almost feels like she is cheating on me, because we were married and she was a major part of my life. 

I realize that this is just a part of her process - but it doesn't make me feeling any better. 

[Hurt llama]

Thanks for the replies.  I think it's just the fear of the unknown that is just killing me.  I have done everything that I can to forget about her.  I deleted her phone numbers from my phone, blocked her from viewing my facebook page, stored all of our wedding/engagement photos in box and taped it shut.

I never wrote her any emails that talked about our relationship.  I tried to disappear.

It almost feels like she is cheating on me, because we were married and she was a major part of my life. 

I realize that this is just a part of her process - but it doesn't make me feeling any better. 

I've been posting here for only a few days and the shared experiences and pain and similarity of stories are shocking to me!

ANd it's not like I don't know my way around therapy and all the conditions that are out there... .  This BPD thing is so very specific and toxic for some of us, it's almost unimaginable.

I think you are doing pretty well and you seem pretty disciplined... .  While it was my decision to end things and have had her chasing me and getting back together and ultimately hurting her back over and over by refusal to commit, I thought I was safe.

And I allowed her back last week and boy, all the terrible memories are flooding back.

I have never felt any dispair, anger or grief in my life more than in the times my ex has hurt me and the crazy making part of it, is that no matter how much I understand her, it and my own problems, it seemingly makes no difference!

But there is hope... I know it... .  and the answer is to keep moving and I am doing just that (again) and to have faith that we can have what we want and need and they ultimately are so deeply damaged and hurt inside they live in a pain we can't imagine, even if they hide it well to most people who are not close.

Hold onto the fact she will keep hurting every man and herself probably forever, if she doesn't self harm or finally get a diagnosis and treatment.

You are doing pretty well considering how much worse it could be. Sorry for your pain. I feel it too.