The pain of learning your parent has BPD

[Kwamina]

When I first learned about BPD it was a moment of great validation of all the things I had went through with my mother. I've accepted that she probably won't ever change so I focused on changing myself instead. I'm much better able to deal with her bad behavior now so that's a good thing of course. However, knowing and accepting that there's something seriously wrong with her also had a downside to it for me. Before, in spite of all her bad behavior, I still viewed her as a normal human being. I still believed that she had the ability to reason and develop her mind and become a better person. Now I realize that just ain't gonna happen because she just isn't normal. When I look at my mother now I get a very strange feeling because I realize I'm looking at someone who misses certain key elements normal people have. It's not just that she hasn't developed certain things, it just seems like certain basic components other people have are just not there and never have been. I've seen numerous people on here ask themselves if they love their BPD relative, friend etc. I often ask myself this question too, before only because of the bad way she treated me but now also because I find it nearly impossible to truly love someone who misses basic human traits. For instance, she has no real empathy. She sometimes fakes it but in reality her own feelings are all there is in her life, but even those feelings aren't real because she goes from one extreme to the opposite extreme just like that. From complete idealisation to complete demonisation in 10 seconds (or less). I feel like I'm dealing with a person who just isn't real, and she isn't. She has no real personality of her own, it's like her core is missing. How can you truly love someone who in many ways isn't a real person? Never has been real and probably never will be. This is what I mean with the pain of learning your parent has BPD. The knowledge liberated and empowered me but in the process I've also lost something. You could say I lost the fantasy of having a real person as mother. There's no denying I'm better off without this fantasy, but there's also no denying that it does hurt.

[isshebpd]

I know how you feel. I see my uBPDmom as having the emotions of a child. Intellectually and physically she is an adult, but she interacts with the world in a very immature way, like a spoilt brat.

I interact with my uBPDmom in a stronger way now, so I feel less pain while its happening. But it still hurts like hell. Its hard after I'm away from her and I can't stop processing her behaviour like I'm try to see some sense or logic in it.

[Kwamina]

Its hard after I'm away from her and I can't stop processing her behaviour like I'm try to see some sense or logic in it.

This is where I used to completely get stuck in my thinking, trying to process her behavior and find the logic. I was always trying to reason with her and just couldn't understand why she acted the way she did. Now I know why which is good, but in many ways this also makes me feel like I wasted all those years trying to reason with someone who can't be reasoned with.

[GeekyGirl]

I get where you're coming from, Kwamina, because it is hard to accept that our mothers cannot change and cannot be the nurturing mothers we all want and need. It is very hard to come to terms with.

Like issheBPD, I see my mother as having the emotional capacity of a two year old with a little less empathy. That helps me to see her as human, but also reminds me that she's going to react the same way a two year old would to some situations. I also keep in mind that she has been deeply hurt herself and that helps me feel empathy for her. It doesn't excuse her behavior--don't get me wrong--but it explains it. I

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Now I know why which is good, but in many ways this also makes me feel like I wasted all those years trying to reason with someone who can't be reasoned with.

I wouldn't look it as wasted time necessarily. You're trying a new approach now, with new and more accurate information.

[mindfulness]

Its hard after I'm away from her and I can't stop processing her behaviour like I'm try to see some sense or logic in it.

This is where I used to completely get stuck in my thinking, trying to process her behavior and find the logic. I was always trying to reason with her and just couldn't understand why she acted the way she did. Now I know why which is good, but in many ways this also makes me feel like I wasted all those years trying to reason with someone who can't be reasoned with.

Man, I can relate to both of these statements so much. I often get caught up in cyclical thinking -- usually lying in bed late at night -- where I start analyzing her behavior and also fantasize about what I want to say to her. How I want to tell her how f'ed up her thinking and behavior is. How wrong she is. It usually takes about 5 minutes of these intense thought cycles, where I am getting myself all anxious and worked up, before I remind myself -- STOP. You are not dealing with a normal person who can process this information. What you are thinking is logical and rational. This is someone who is illogical and irrational. It doesn't matter. Everything you are saying, it doesn't matter.

I don't think I'll ever fully learn, to be honest.

And from the original poster:

You could say I lost the fantasy of having a real person as mother. There's no denying I'm better off without this fantasy, but there's also no denying that it does hurt.

Yes. Exactly. Many of us on this board are grieving the loss of our parents as we always imagined them to be. We grew up thinking we had normal parents, or even SUPER parents -- the best parents a child could want, because that's what they conditioned us to believe. It is so unimaginably difficult to relinquish that view, to accept that they not only aren't as great as you always told you they were, but that they are in fact permanently scarred and incapable of being what a parent should be. It's incredibly painful and I wonder if I will ever fully accept it... .  Therapy helps.

[Kwamina]

I also keep in mind that she has been deeply hurt herself and that helps me feel empathy for her. It doesn't excuse her behavior--don't get me wrong--but it explains it.

Hi GeekyGirl! My mother has been hurt too, in the sense that she never got over the death of her own mother. After my gradnmother died, my mother started to unravel. This was all before me and my siblings were borne, but by piecing things together I strongly believe that there has always been something wrong with my mother. I think my grandmother kept my mother sort of stable, but after she died my mother had nothing or noone to keep her mentally and emotionally stable. She seems totally incapable of doing this on her own.

[Kwamina]

Man, I can relate to both of these statements so much. I often get caught up in cyclical thinking -- usually lying in bed late at night -- where I start analyzing her behavior and also fantasize about what I want to say to her. How I want to tell her how f'ed up her thinking and behavior is. How wrong she is. It usually takes about 5 minutes of these intense thought cycles, where I am getting myself all anxious and worked up, before I remind myself -- STOP. You are not dealing with a normal person who can process this information. What you are thinking is logical and rational. This is someone who is illogical and irrational. It doesn't matter. Everything you are saying, it doesn't matter.

I don't think I'll ever fully learn, to be honest.

This unfortunately often happens to me too lying awake in bed late at night. I guess bad habits are hard to break  But at least you got it down to 5 minutes now!

[Kwamina]

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Now I know why which is good, but in many ways this also makes me feel like I wasted all those years trying to reason with someone who can't be reasoned with.

I wouldn't look it as wasted time necessarily. You're trying a new approach now, with new and more accurate information.

Rationally I know you're right GeekyGirl, but emotionally I'm still finding this very difficult. I spent nearly thirty years trying and kept getting dragged down by her constant negativity and controlled craziness. I say controlled craziness because it's very clear to me that allthough there's something very wrong with her, she's not crazy, she knows what she does and I have often seen how she turns her craziness on and off when she wants too. She's very manipulative.

I'm still struggling with the loss of these years. If I had known about BPD when I was younger things might have been different. The good news is that I know about BPD now and things are definitely different now