advice about figuring out what you need, and how to fill them for yourself

[somuchlove]

 

qcr   I think your idea for this topic is a good one.  We are all coming off of winter which seems to have many long cold days filled with less exercise and fresh air.  Worst of all it may give us more time to just think.  That might not be a good thing.  It has given me the time to read more about BPD.  But I need the freshness of spring, flowers and more time outside to help put all in perspective. 

1. I am going to spend sometime for "ME" riding my horse.

2. I am going to start planting my flowers ( when the snow finally stops)     That's ok It can snow, we need the moisture.

3. I am going to continuet to practice validation on others.  This will help me feel that I am working towards my goal of letting my dd know I love her, understand and perhaps see her getting her life in a better direction.

4.  I am going to continue say, I can't make it all better.  I am going to allow her to make her own life better.  I am going to work very hard at enjoying what I have and let go of some of the junk I continue to carry around with me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Such wonderful goals for yourself somuchlove!

Making a written plan is wise of you.

Have you considered how your r/s with your horse relates to boundaries?

Would you be willing to explore this and how it translates into your other r/s?

[jellibeans]

Great idea! I am going to work on mine... .

[qcarolr]

What really got me to accept how far out of whack I have been - DD left for a few days and I was still biting toward dh and gd. Dh was finally able to get through to me that I needed to do something different with myself before she came back home. And this is her home -- it really hurt her a lot for me to ask her to leave, to mover out, with nowhere to go. I am reaching out in new directions for support for myself. Have great hope things will get better. Thankful we get so much sunshine here in Colorado - even with all the snow and really cold temps the past week.

I will get back on what my plans are to fill myself up again.

qcr  

[somuchlove]

  qcarolr,  glad you are thinking a little about yourself.  It is so hard.  I always seem to have guilt when I think of myself when one of my children, even though they are adults, are hurting.  Then there are the gchildren. 


lbjnltx :  I can relate to my horses and boundaries,  How good you are at thinking of it in that way for me.

I have to have boundaries with my horses or they will run all over me.  The books on training say that the horse will gain respect and love through boundaries. Thus develping a wonderful relationship of fun and enjoyment and trust.   If they learn to trust me, that I will keep them safe, they will trust me when I ask them to go through the water, over and around ledges pastures, jumps, etc.  If I don't have boundaries then they run all over me,  I get mad, probably won't be nice to them, yet they don't understand because I have clearly "explained" or taught them what I am asking them to do.  they want a relationship are just trying to please.    I need to think more on this. This is wonderful to think about. 

[qcarolr]

somuchlove - wish I was more into horses - sounds like a great way to work on boundaries. I am trying to find something affordable for gd, and offer for DD to participate with her. They both love horses. More about opporutnity for my girls, would indirectly be good for me. Geez, maybe I need to give it a try as well. Overcome some scary experiences from when I was younger.

qcr  

[sunshineplease]

I loved that list so much I was going to adopt it until I remembered I don't have a horse.  In all seriousness, it's exactly the reminder I need today. UD18 (tomorrow!) is coming home today for the first time in 4 months, and I know my part of the visit will be okay if I remember to focus on me and not her. If I focus on me, I can validate. If I focus on me I can be present and not rush to "fix" when I'm stressed. If I focus on me I will remember I have a lot to be grateful for, no matter what happens.

[somuchlove]

  qcarolr

Horses have been wonderful for my dd's.  We were lucky enought to be able to afford them, (not really but), we managed.  My dd's, even grow, still love them and when home or can ride, do ride as much as they can.  they always say how good it feels to on a horese.  We always felt it was money well spent as many many hrs were spent on their horses instead of out running around places they shouldn't be.  They always say they are  really good listener, offering lots of love, yet powerful.  My BPD dd said it was one place that she felt safe, could just live and work things out.  I wish that she could find a place to ride now.  It would help her clear her head.  When she was home for that few days this past summer, she spent quite a bit of time on her Old horse, I am sure thinking this could be the last time with by wonderful horse.  The horse is now 28.  My dd took her little 7 month old dd on a ride, then went riding with her two sons.  I wish her life was such that she could be raising them with horses.  Would be so good for them.  Would be nice as well for her to feel she could come home and just spend time with us.

I wish I could help you out qcarolr and share my horses with you.  They are wonderful.  I believe me I have had to work through a few falls and accidents to regain my confidance on them.