Accessing the damage my relationship might have caused me.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi All,

Although I ended the engagement with my exBPD 3 years ago, we have maintained connection almost daily and have and always been best friends even through it all.

As terrible as she has been by hurting me in ways that were to me unimaginable prior to this experience... She has always maintained an integrity that is rare, in that she has borrowed money more than a few times and always kept her word paying it back... It's a small thing but it is the clue that finally triggered me into learning that she is not a sociopath that I was almost sure she was and into finding about BPD... I think i tested her with money and in December we had a business transaction in which I sent her a very large amount of money and I think deep down it was some nutty test... .  but she did the transaction which was complicated in such a professional fashion it was amazing.

My diagnosis of her, made me be ridiculously optimistic as I had finally found 'explanations!" Of course and obviously it's meaningless to expect her to jump with joy and be able to take such information in and in fairness to her, I realize I was being ridiculous.

I have dated many women since we broke up, many more women then she dated men... SHe's not a dater per se... more of a serial relationship type who falls into infatuation extremely quickly and we know where that always ends up!

The point of this post and thread is to take an inventory of sorts of myself. I am reasonably good looking, do well financially and live in a major city and have no problem finding good quality women to date.

I am very careful not to share too much information about my relationship with my ex as it is a red flag that I deserve!

What I am wondering is how I might be damaged from this long and torturous relationship! I am divorced and was married for 17 years and am friends with my ex wife... I have good relationships with just about everybody and I feel that in the 6 years knowing my ex fiancee I am an almost different person and see myself as almost pathetic in my attachment to my ex.

I think I need a drink after writing all that!

[Hurt llama]

Hi All,

Although I ended the engagement with my exBPD 3 years ago, we have maintained connection almost daily and have and always been best friends even through it all.

As terrible as she has been by hurting me in ways that were to me unimaginable prior to this experience... She has always maintained an integrity that is rare, in that she has borrowed money more than a few times and always kept her word paying it back... It's a small thing but it is the clue that finally triggered me into learning that she is not a sociopath that I was almost sure she was and into finding about BPD... I think i tested her with money and in December we had a business transaction in which I sent her a very large amount of money and I think deep down it was some nutty test... .  but she did the transaction which was complicated in such a professional fashion it was amazing.

My diagnosis of her, made me be ridiculously optimistic as I had finally found 'explanations!" Of course and obviously it's meaningless to expect her to jump with joy and be able to take such information in and in fairness to her, I realize I was being ridiculous.

I have dated many women since we broke up, many more women then she dated men... SHe's not a dater per se... more of a serial relationship type who falls into infatuation extremely quickly and we know where that always ends up!

The point of this post and thread is to take an inventory of sorts of myself. I am reasonably good looking, do well financially and live in a major city and have no problem finding good quality women to date.

I am very careful not to share too much information about my relationship with my ex as it is a red flag that I deserve!

What I am wondering is how I might be damaged from this long and torturous relationship! I am divorced and was married for 17 years and am friends with my ex wife... I have good relationships with just about everybody and I feel that in the 6 years knowing my ex fiancee I am an almost different person and see myself as almost pathetic in my attachment to my ex.

I think I need a drink after writing all that!

[lockedout]

You ex may be a lot like mine - a light version of BPD. When they get into the context of a close relationship, the fear of abandonment persists and brings out that side of them. In any other type of relationship or interaction, they're completely fine. My family knows nothing of the dynamics of the split; they only see the Dr. Jekyll side and simply assume the blame lies 50/50. Because we have a child, I intend to keep it that way -I don't want our son raised in a divided family.

[Hurt llama]

You ex may be a lot like mine - a light version of BPD. When they get into the context of a close relationship, the fear of abandonment persists and brings out that side of them. In any other type of relationship or interaction, they're completely fine. My family knows nothing of the dynamics of the split; they only see the Dr. Jekyll side and simply assume the blame lies 50/50. Because we have a child, I intend to keep it that way -I don't want our son raised in a divided family.

She was 41 when we met and we almost considered a child together and thank god we didn't and that hurts to say.

My ex is very attractive and knows how to get any man she wants. I see her struggle and promiscuity which she may have had at some point before I met her, she is not comfortable. Too much shame and anger I suppose... She told me once with a smile how she prided herself in being the Impossible Woman... .  I didn't find that very amusing and I never forgot it.

"A light' case of BPD? Hard to imagine this as 'light' but after reading so many stories I do know there are much worse than her and in a way if she were 'worse' it would have been much easier to just see her as a crazy b*tch and move on as I probably have encountered in the past and never paid them much mind.

Yet my ex has used her sex as a weapon... it's the only weapon that hurts me and it's the most powerful and to me just foreign in my life before meeting her... NEVER in the past would I give two thoughts about a woman seeing me and disappearing with another man which is how i found out in the first place... but i made excuses as we had not been together thaat long and she said it was my fault as I kept breaking up with her... .  Duh... of course I kept breaking up with her as she was scaring the crap out of me!

Last week she breezed into town (this is after I had gone to see her in October for her bday when she perfectly timed making her bf 'break up with her'... which allowed her to sleep with me! (same as she did to me of course) and then 3 weeks later as I was beginnign to think of trying again, she disappeared and then reappeared and texted "No easy way to say this. I am back with my bf"...

and I got over it... .  I was furious but i knew the dangers and i recovered and I found a woman I dated for two months and my ex knew and said she could not be friends wiht me if I had another relationship!All this while she is wiht her bf!

I ultimately ended my new relationship for reasons not conencted to this and my ex came to see me about a week ago

Within an hour she was explaining how she is the best woman in the world for me and I know it and she wanted me to come visit her for my bday (tomorrow)... .  then she had a few drinks... .  got very sexual and while it was fun, there is a twisted aspect to sex with her that I was almost addicted to all the while fearing.

It ended badly when I told her I was dating (why wouldn't i be dating?)

As soon as she returned home she and i were texting then she did the disappearance routine and reappeared 24 hours later and send me a picture of her dog and another dog... .  

It was odd... and I had a hunch what it meant and I said... .  "IS that your new bf's dog?" she cooly replied, "I am dating" and without coming out and saying it she obviously slept wiht the dogs owner ... .  a guy she had always known as an associate friend.

She did this exact same thing after the last time she came to see me... .  processing her love of this new name and braggin how they will be married... .  all this while I happened to be in the hospital... .  She's such a special woman!

No more therapy for me... I have bent twisted and ripped myself apart to understand why and how much this has hurt me... .  blaming myself really for deep hurt in me that existed as a kid... but never existed in any problems in my life really until this crazy woman used sex to hurt me in a way I never thought I could be hurt!

ANd this is a light version?

 

[Hurt llama]

I came to this forum after realizing I was out of control when she sent me that picture and I knew she slept with someone... Not because of the sex but because of the sick intended to hurt passive aggressive way she has always been.

I don't think I have been this angry in a very long time. I was almost out of control and felt unable to stop texting... and felt I almost need to join a support group or be institutionalized as I could not (still very very hard) to stop thinking about her.

ANd the crazy part of all this is yes I do understand she does love me and I love her but I know I am not capable of being self destructive enough to take a chance and be serious with this nightmare of a person.

I want to feel just sorry for her but whoa... this is core ~ that books and movies are written about... .  she once messed with the wrong guy and he did terrible things to hurt her back (not physically luckily for her)

She is an insane making machine... .  and her ex husband literally went to jail because he was so angry he refused to pay her court ordered money...

he never expected her to press the button but I am ashamed to admit I urged her to do it... .  the both probably deserved each other.

[lockedout]

Although I ended the engagement with my exBPD 3 years ago, we have maintained connection almost daily and have and always been best friends even through it all.

A best friend doesn't go bragging about who she's seeing or what she's doing with him. She would also not be still using sex as a weapon or be trying to entice you. It's definitely possible to have a close relationship with an ex, but one who is a true friend will recognize and respect boundaries. I'm not trying to make "light" of my ex's BPD. the damage she's caused is no less. I still had the blaming, projecting, gaslighting, sex being used as a weapon, and treats for when I was "good" and punishment for when I was "bad". The damage is no less. By light I mean that she can have decent relationships with other people who aren't in a serious relationship with her. It's based on context, not magnitude.

Her favorite MO is to play the "abuse victim" card. She loved it during the breakup and throws it out there every time I try to trump her demands with what's reasonable and fair. She even recruited friends, one of whom was some guy attempted suicide by driving into my garage right in front of me right after she changed the locks on the house. My state of total shock and disbelief was the only thing that saved his life. She said he was "just a guy from work who was doing her a favor by being there in case I became erratic". OK.

Just to show you the incident with the guy driving into my garage wasn't about jealousy (it had more to do with respect and general principle), I saw her on the same dating website I use. Only I won't post a picture. I'm hoping she'll get out there and find the downgrade boyfriend who will be her knight in tarnished armor and keep her happy long enough to be agreeable through the divorce process.

[Hurt llama]

Although I ended the engagement with my exBPD 3 years ago, we have maintained connection almost daily and have and always been best friends even through it all.

A best friend doesn't go bragging about who she's seeing or what she's doing with him. She would also not be still using sex as a weapon or be trying to entice you. It's definitely possible to have a close relationship with an ex, but one who is a true friend will recognize and respect boundaries. I'm not trying to make "light" of my ex's BPD. the damage she's caused is no less. I still had the blaming, projecting, gaslighting, sex being used as a weapon, and treats for when I was "good" and punishment for when I was "bad". The damage is no less. By light I mean that she can have decent relationships with other people who aren't in a serious relationship with her. It's based on context, not magnitude.

Her favorite MO is to play the "abuse victim" card. She loved it during the breakup and throws it out there every time I try to trump her demands with what's reasonable and fair. She even recruited friends, one of whom was some guy attempted suicide by driving into my garage right in front of me right after she changed the locks on the house. My state of total shock and disbelief was the only thing that saved his life. She said he was "just a guy from work who was doing her a favor by being there in case I became erratic". OK.

Just to show you the incident with the guy driving into my garage wasn't about jealousy (it had more to do with respect and general principle), I saw her on the same dating website I use. Only I won't post a picture. I'm hoping she'll get out there and find the downgrade boyfriend who will be her knight in tarnished armor and keep her happy long enough to be agreeable through the divorce process.

Clearly, you are right. I used her words describing ME as her best friend! I'm brainwashed!

What I meant is that she has always and does care about me and has always given me great advice on what things I should be focusing on and doing... She is authentic in all of this...

She finally admitted that she keeps breaking up with the guy she has been seeing almost a year and during those times were the times she saw me.

Which is exactly what happened to me when we first started dating... . The odd thing about her is that she is not a liar or a cheat in the classic sense... I'm not defending her... it's just strange to me.

I finally sent her information about BPD and she also oddly doesn't dispute it as it's just ridiculously obvious I suppose.

She is almost frantically trying to better herself... it's really sort of sad... . she is becoming a very healthy eater, taking meditation, in therapy... doing all positive things for herself.

I told her those are all great things but until and if she addresses the core issues she will just continue to repeat the past.

She can't hear it right now and I have to respect that we all move in our own timeframe and she may or may not address her BPD.

The key to it right now is what I do... clearly, I will be enabling her to continue the same patterns if I use her as I have and we will continue to hurt each other...

The most healthy thing I can do is continue to date new women and think less about her...

She almost but not quite apologised for last week, which she never does... She admitted embarrassment that she had used the typical break up with her bf as an excuse to see me... but she and he are as crazy and dysfunctional as I was with her... I am trying not to enjoy imagining what this guy is going through without the benefit of a background that enabled me to at least cut my losses even if it hurt.

he's almost 25 years older than her, married 3x and a stubborn very old school guy from what she describes.

He is nothing but a cautionary tale to me!

[Hurt llama]

Although I ended the engagement with my exBPD 3 years ago, we have maintained connection almost daily and have and always been best friends even through it all.

A best friend doesn't go bragging about who she's seeing or what she's doing with him. She would also not be still using sex as a weapon or be trying to entice you. It's definitely possible to have a close relationship with an ex, but one who is a true friend will recognize and respect boundaries. I'm not trying to make "light" of my ex's BPD. the damage she's caused is no less. I still had the blaming, projecting, gaslighting, sex being used as a weapon, and treats for when I was "good" and punishment for when I was "bad". The damage is no less. By light I mean that she can have decent relationships with other people who aren't in a serious relationship with her. It's based on context, not magnitude.

Her favorite MO is to play the "abuse victim" card. She loved it during the breakup and throws it out there every time I try to trump her demands with what's reasonable and fair. She even recruited friends, one of whom was some guy attempted suicide by driving into my garage right in front of me right after she changed the locks on the house. My state of total shock and disbelief was the only thing that saved his life. She said he was "just a guy from work who was doing her a favor by being there in case I became erratic". OK.

Just to show you the incident with the guy driving into my garage wasn't about jealousy (it had more to do with respect and general principle), I saw her on the same dating website I use. Only I won't post a picture. I'm hoping she'll get out there and find the downgrade boyfriend who will be her knight in tarnished armor and keep her happy long enough to be agreeable through the divorce process.

Wait! I just read this a couple of times and trying to better understand... you were getting a divorce and some guy drove into your garage trying to commit suicide?

Can you explain more about what happened? sounds really insane... . wow

[lockedout]

He didn't actually attempt suicide. Going from the other man's perspective and assuming her story is true:

You are a "happily married man with three kids (her story)". A chick at work tells you she is having difficulties with her estranged husband she explains to you that he may become violent and possibly break or steal things in a rage. She doesn't feel safe wit the idea of being alone with him in their home. She hands you the garage door opener and tells you to go to the house and pull into the garage and hang out in case he shows up. She doesn't mention not to do it if he is there and you're dumb enough to actually go through with it if he is.

You don't know this guy. Never seen him. Only know her side of the story. This is Florida where guns are everywhere (I don't own one but I'm among the minority) and we have a stand your ground law. Even without a key, I could have legally broken in and "defended myself". You're in someone else's house who's never seen you before and there aren't any viable witnesses when you show up. That's attempted suicide.

[WalrusGumboot]

Hi Hurt llama,

Unless a relationship is very brief with a pwBPD, I don't see how anybody can exit the relationship unchanged in some way. So, yes, I am inferring that you are negatively changed (i.e. damaged) to some extent.

I was married 23 years to mine, and it's been almost a year since the divorce. It does take some time to self-assess. It wasn't too long ago when my current gf did something that my ex used to do when she was getting ready to rage, but my gf did it innocently and without any bad intentions. I had an anxiety attack as a reaction. It just came from out of the blue.

This lasting damage is why I cringe when new members of this board join after finding out their SO has BPD, and the relationship is brand new, and they want to give it a go regardless. I can understand their feelings of wanting to be that person that stays with them through thick and thin and helps them, but the odds are greatly against them. Instead of ending the relationship relatively unscathed, they decide to subject themselves to days/months/years of abuse, and leaving them wishing they had another chance to do things differently because they are left a mere shell of what they once were.

Recovery is one step at a time. I do feel like I have made significant progress over the last year, and you will find slow and steady progress in your experience as well.

Good luck!

[lockedout]

To add to what Walrus said, there's a lot of bad advice out there - much of it from the religious corner. A lot of them will tell you that you took the vows, that's your wife, and you need to do "everything you can" to make it [the marriage] work. They don't take into consideration that you probably already have or the long-term effects these dynamics have on any children involved or the fact that at the end of the day, it still takes two to make it work. Ending the relationship or marriage isn't the most "Godly" thing to do. But neither is destroying your mental, emotional, and physical health then passing it down to the kids.

[Hurt llama]

Hi Hurt llama,

Unless a relationship is very brief with a pwBPD, I don't see how anybody can exit the relationship unchanged in some way. So, yes, I am inferring that you are negatively changed (i.e. damaged) to some extent.

I was married 23 years to mine, and it's been almost a year since the divorce. It does take some time to self-assess. It wasn't too long ago when my current gf did something that my ex used to do when she was getting ready to rage, but my gf did it innocently and without any bad intentions. I had an anxiety attack as a reaction. It just came from out of the blue.

This lasting damage is why I cringe when new members of this board join after finding out their SO has BPD, and the relationship is brand new, and they want to give it a go regardless. I can understand their feelings of wanting to be that person that stays with them through thick and thin and helps them, but the odds are greatly against them. Instead of ending the relationship relatively unscathed, they decide to subject themselves to days/months/years of abuse, and leaving them wishing they had another chance to do things differently because they are left a mere shell of what they once were.

Recovery is one step at a time. I do feel like I have made significant progress over the last year, and you will find slow and steady progress in your experience as well.

Good luck!

I agree and my relationship started almost 6 years ago and as I have posted, the original pain suffered when she disappeared for a weekend and had been with someone else was the single worst pain I ever experienced. I didn't see it coming and I had already in my mind was sure I would marry this woman. I am not at all a flaky sort of man. And have only had been in love twice in my life, including my ex wife.

Even though after a wildly intense romance with my I managed to call of the engagement. She came back into my life a few times and basically was doing exactly what she is doing now with me... She has always had another man around but tried to get me back... She says she loves me completely and unconditionally and she believes it.

i emailed her last night that it is impossible to love two lovers at the same time completely and unconditionally or if so, it is not mature and healthy love.

I've dated and been with more partners than she has since the original breakup but recently I met someone I thought might be good and we dated for 6 weeks... And just as in your story, way over reacted to this woman's not texting me while I was sick and it triggered the same anxiety and it quickly lead to me dumping her... It was the right thing to do for myself as other things came up... but the feelings I had a were also over reactions. And I can see there is some damage caused by my long relationship with my ex.

The strong connection to my ex is powerful and we both feel it but I am certain that if I am not careful, there is no question I will be hurt again at some point when she icily let's me know she is in love with another man and off we go again.

I'm not safe yet... . We still are in touch too much (my fault more than hers). I think about her much to often (constantly) and have that complete and great feeling when I was with her two weeks ago, even though clearly I could see that nothing has changed.