OMG after 5 weeks of no contact, contact tonight...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am seriously, seriously confused, after 5 weeks of no contact, there is contact tonight.

I seriously have no clue what to do, I am in full blown panic mode. I want so desperately to respond, it is taking every in me not to, it pains me that I am resisting contacting her, I just don't know what to do... .  

[confusedandscared]

I am seriously, seriously confused, after 5 weeks of no contact, there is contact tonight.

I seriously have no clue what to do, I am in full blown panic mode. I want so desperately to respond, it is taking every in me not to, it pains me that I am resisting contacting her, I just don't know what to do... .  

[paperlung]

What did she say/do?

[letmeout]

Try to remember that she is just messing with your head. Be strong. Be wise.

[LuckyEscapee]

My IMHO advice would be to not respond.

Why ever she has contacted has to do with her needs/desires, and nothing to do with yours. She has been perfectly busy enough for five weeks after all.

Contacting her back takes you right back to day #1, don't do it to yourself again 

[sad but wiser]

Isn't the compulsion to respond a strange one?  I had that too.  It took everything I had to leave it alone.  Mine would leave messages making it sound like he was going to kill himself.  I'd drive over to his place - nope, he was watching tv or something else.  Or he would say that he just HAD to talk to me, he had come to some realizations.  The realizations always came down to, "You are mentally ill and don't know what you are doing," or "You never really cared about me."  The point was to get me to talk to him.  He was lonely and missed having a wife at his beck and call. 

Bottom line - she isn't calling for your sake, or the relationship's sake - it is all about her.

[Discarded26]

My IMHO advice would be to not respond.

Why ever she has contacted has to do with her needs/desires, and nothing to do with yours. She has been perfectly busy enough for five weeks after all.

Contacting her back takes you right back to day #1, don't do it to yourself again 

That is so true, coming up to 10 weeks for me and had messages every 2 to 3 weeks

Either abuse or being nice

And what come out of it? I ignored it and nothing has happened

It's just ABOUT THEM

[confusedandscared]

Thank you everyone. I had a friend call me and talk to me until I fell asleep last night. It literally took everything I had not to respond to her. I knew she was bating me, it was about her and not me, she is throwing out the net to see if I bite again.

Part of me does want to respond, yes I do, of course I do and another part of me is like please don't, she is going to do it again and again and again, you need to step off the roller coaster for good this time.

I wish I knew the answers as to why we feel compelled to write back after NC, and honestly I am a little surprised she did it really, after everything she said to me the last time we 'spoke', I'm just a little taken back she did it.

[just_think]

What did the contact say? Usually there is an alternative meaning behind it if you learn to "speak BPD".

[igiveup]

hi there,  I'm new here and have been exactly where you are... . many, many times.  I have even gone nearly 5 months without seeing or speaking to him -- and gone back AGAIN.  I'm DETERMINED that this is the end of the ride.  I think at this point if I were to return, my family and friends who have been watching this whole mess unravel for 4 years, will disown me.  I have been baited with checks in the mail, flowers, letters, cards, gifts, engagement/marriage (I did NOT marry), buying a beach house on the Outer Banks (a future temptation), all sorts of "things" to get my attention. I would shred the checks, not respond w/a thank you to flowers/gifts,and somehow still he would get me back by simply wearing me down with poems, emails, voicemails.   My resolve has been to block texts and phone calls and I have threatened w/a no contact order this time.  It seems to have worked... . so far.  In the past, he has shown up unannounced at my job, my home, and places I go with my friends to reel me in for another round.  What I'm finding this time that seems to be keeping me more grounded is embracing the discomfort when it comes and knowing that it passes.  Not allowing the discomfort to get me by the gonads so that I don't cave in to it.  Staying OUT of my head.  My head has been so busy these last few years trying to figure out if it's him, if it's me, if I'm crazy, if he's crazy, and even telling myself that everybody has issues to work through, so start learning how to cope with him and enjoy the good times.  I tried to BS myself so many different ways, because I didn't WANT to believe that this just wasn't normal.   

Now there is a piece to this that is "us", us being the non.  We have to determine what need it is we are fulfilling for ourselves by doing this dance with the devil, and fix ourselves, rather than try to fix them.  I hope I  haven't said too much, because I'm no know it all, but I do know now that looking inward rather than outward has to be done, or we won't be healthy when the right person does come along.

[Discarded26]

What did the contact say? Usually there is an alternative meaning behind it if you learn to "speak BPD".

Is there a 'BPD speak' ?

[confusedandscared]

I have thought long and hard about this all day, I am simply torn. In one hand I know that replying will probably not be for the best, in the other hand I know the hurt she will probably be feeling because I am not replying. I do feel so much guilt for not responding, that it took a lot for her to reach out to me, I want to reply, I want to speak to her, I just don't know if that is completely in my best interests.

There is a certain amount of why now in me, why contact me now, you've had 5 weeks and then suddenly you do it. Yes I suppose it is designed to pull the rug out from under me, and it has worked because today I am a little bit of a basket case thinking about her (not that I have really stopped) and should I shouldn't I reply.

[igiveup]

At all costs, don't reply.  You have 5 weeks of recovery under your belt and if you reengage, you're back to square one.  I have done this over and over and... . well here I am.  It doesn't pay off in the long run.  If you respond, it's a matter of time before you're back on the treadmill.  Right now you're in the thick of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).  Be strong!  Clear days are ahead.

[BeHappyAgain]

Hi confusedandscared.

Hmmm I'd have to agree with most people above - you shouldn't reply.

I got a text recently after nothing since New Years eve (dumped on Christmas Day 2012).

My text, on the 17th read: 'Happy St Patricks Day to you' .

I am a 'plastic paddy' (Irish parents), so maybe she thought it was relevant 

I was making a lot of progress (I've gone from fetal position to full steam ahead recently), it took the wind out of my sails for a whole day let me tell you.

I waited till 9pm at night then text back:

"Had a drink now.Happy St Pats day to you too - whoever this is"

Which, to my mind showed that (1) I was out and about and (2) I'd d deleted her number.

It was a kind of get lost message I thought

Not heard anything since - which is ok by me.

[just_think]

What did the contact say? Usually there is an alternative meaning behind it if you learn to "speak BPD".

Is there a 'BPD speak' ?

There is.  

It's like "opposite day."

Often it is to meet a certain need of their's.  For instance, "I never cheat" usually means "I'm not cheating on you right now, however that may change in the future depending on whether or not you do exactly as I say." Another example: the most recent ex (who had a heavy narcissist bent) would send me pictures of herself seemingly at random which was her way of telling me that she needed to be told how good she looked at any given moment. Old diagnosed BPD would say "I love you" only when she needed to be told "I love you."  There are many more nuances as well. 

It can be difficult to see through the projection, mirroring, guilt and other emotions that may arise.

[real lady]

I have thought long and hard about this all day, I am simply torn. In one hand I know that replying will probably not be for the best, in the other hand I know the hurt she will probably be feeling because I am not replying.

 ((confusedandscard)) I just have to jump in and point out that WE CARE ABOUT THEM too much. SO, WHAT IF she is "hurt" that you do not respond? You have told her that SHE HAS HURT YOU and spoken so badly to you that you went NC and she has the chutzpah to contact you and YOU are worried about what SHE thinks? This is where the NC falls apart. WE HAVE TO CARE FOR OURSELVES. They aren't going to do it.

I do feel so much guilt for not responding, that it took a lot for her to reach out to me, I want to reply, I want to speak to her, I just don't know if that is completely in my best interests.

Guilt is in OUR control. If we allow "how we feel about how they feel" to control us, then they have us where they want us. Controlled and "confusedandscared"... . have you worked THROUGH some of the reasons why you may feel guilty... . it is usually, imho, codependency. It is something that WE CAN DO FOR OURSELVES and we do NOT need them to feel good or respond to us to make it better. IMHO, we can't count on them to do ANYTHING FOR us, it is always about them and what they want and need.

There is a certain amount of why now in me, why contact me now, you've had 5 weeks and then suddenly you do it.

If you respond, you will teach her that YOU GO BACK ON YOUR WORD and she will use it again and again to get what she wants from you. She may contact you because her latest "love" is not showing enough attention and she is "putting out the feelers" to "see if she is attractive" yet. Do you see how this isn't even about "her missing you", etc... .

Yes I suppose it is designed to pull the rug out from under me, and it has worked because today I am a little bit of a basket case thinking about her (not that I have really stopped) and should I shouldn't I reply.

What were your feelings and thoughts when you went NC 5 weeks ago? Did you have VALID reason for doing so? Of course you did, but she is "being nice" and that is always our hope and their "lure" to pull us back. You know she is "not being real with you".

The more we try to have a relationship with an undiagnosed/clueless pwBPD, the more pain, agony, confusion, hurt,... . etc... . that we will experience. Life can be MUCH BETTER than this... .

[Discarded26]

What did the contact say? Usually there is an alternative meaning behind it if you learn to "speak BPD".

Is there a 'BPD speak' ?

There is.  

It's like "opposite day."

Often it is to meet a certain need of their's.  For instance, "I never cheat" usually means "I'm not cheating on you right now, however that may change in the future depending on whether or not you do exactly as I say." Another example: the most recent ex (who had a heavy narcissist bent) would send me pictures of herself seemingly at random which was her way of telling me that she needed to be told how good she looked at any given moment. Old diagnosed BPD would say "I love you" only when she needed to be told "I love you."  There are many more nuances as well. 

It can be difficult to see through the projection, mirroring, guilt and other emotions that may arise.

Hmm I guess so

I've pulled myself together lately, coming up to 10 weeks and feeling a bit better about things (haven't had any weird messages in 2 weeks helps )

I know there is no logic to them

[igiveup]

Well I had just been two weeks with NC.  I blocked texts and calls, and last night I received a call from a blocked phone # which my daughter answered and got hung up on.  He can technically call me from random phone #s, as I can't block every # in the universe.  15 minutes later an email came in saying the following:

We need to learn what's most important, to forgive and trust.                                   

Truthfully We can or could agree to get married this  June 10th 2013, civilly

lawfully married. Then in a church, after you get your annulment. I said it and

wrote it too. I know why not, and what if.    IF, IF you still want to be my

wife and LOVE me the next twenty years or till one of us dies.                                         

I will continue therapy and WE will forgive and forget. Either way, I forgive

you and care very much. It's our " LAST" chance.

As IF I'm going to pick up and run to the JP and get married.  And he forgives me for... . what?  For having the sense to leave the relationship?  Unfortunately, there are some of us who would take that offer and get married, hoping that that would solve the problem.  There would be a lifetime commitment, which is what a lot of us would like to have, and it seems like the pwBPD is being so nice and loving, right?  I just thank goodness that I didn't respond, and am not tempted to. 

[sad but wiser]

IGiveUp -Good for you!  Dodged that bullet!  I was forgiven too.  Isn't that nice of him? 

BeHappyAgain -  That was brilliant!    I have to love that response.

[just_think]

I've pulled myself together lately, coming up to 10 weeks and feeling a bit better about things (haven't had any weird messages in 2 weeks helps )

That's good to hear!

I know there is no logic to them

There is.  It's weird logic, but there is logic. Don't mistake that for common sense or healthy behaviors. It's not necessary for everyone to go down that path of figuring it all out though.

[Discarded26]

I've pulled myself together lately, coming up to 10 weeks and feeling a bit better about things (haven't had any weird messages in 2 weeks helps )

That's good to hear!

I know there is no logic to them

There is.  It's weird logic, but there is logic. Don't mistake that for common sense or healthy behaviors. It's not necessary for everyone to go down that path of figuring it all out though.

It sure is weird logic, think you know you won't hear anything then its a round of abuse

Just hope my ordeal is over. Can't really be bothered with anymore 'weird messages'

[theboro504]

What helps me is to realize she wants something, in the moment. Mine was use to getting what she wanted and now, I am in a place where I can be the one person in her world that does NOT enable or give her whatever it is she wants right then. She is very pretty and even though she is in her late 40’s, she acts young and flirty and she functions very well everywhere else until the hook is in. So she is very use to having her way. I know it sounds vindictive but I take a certain amount of satisfaction now in being the one man in her life that doesn’t jump when she pokes. I also believe if there is ever any hope for her to see herself and change, it will come by her life not always going her way. In the meantime, I know she wants something from her probe, I refuse to give it, whatever it is. I let the new fella and her team of enablers do that.

[jj2121]

I would not respond, i did after a few weeks and she said I want to talk. I thought I was going to get some answers, but it was just everything is getting to me blah blah. Whilst she was talking to other guys,just made me worse again.