Triggered by son's birthday card from uBPDm

[Awakening23]

Ive been NC with my mother for almost a year now and after the resulting depression and flashbacks of abuse i'm now in a better place emotionally for the best part. It's my sons 3rd birthday in a couple of weeks, this morning my partner opened a letter addressed to him that came yesterday. Inside was an envelope and written on the back of the envelope was a message from my mother written to my partner ' I'm sending this to you as I don't know whether the last Christmas card and present arrived'. Inside was the card saying to my beloved grandson from the best grandma ( yeah right). She makes a point of using my sons middle name which is my late fathers name and at the peak of my co dependance allowed her to choose for my son. i now regret that so just seeing that on paper written by mother upsets me. The letter was sent from a place not near where my mother lives and the address was written by someone else. She obviously didn't want me to see she had sent something. This annoys me on so many levels and by involving my partner just infuriates me. I can imagine her getting a friend to send it who has had to listen to her self pitying about how awful I am and how I've kept her grandson from her. Or how I must of thrown the Christmas card and book she sent away which I didn't. Why send it c/o my partner? Does she think I don't tell him what she's sent and that somehow he'd be angry with me? God knows! I know there is no logic in this and I should stop analysing it but I feel this is such an intrusion on my privacy. It's just so easy for her to send stuff in the post that will trigger my emotions and I don't want to worry. I have been anxious she'll just turn up at my house recently and now I have to put up with her mind game post. How should I react to this ? Probably not at all. Is she trying to exert some sort of control still over me? That's what it feels like. i don't have an issue with her sending a straightforward card its the way in which shes gone about it this time that bothers me.Thanks for letting me rant and any insight on this would be much appreciated by you understanding people. Thank you.

[P.F.Change]

It sounds to me that she is escalating her behavior to see how far she has to go to get a response. She is pushing at the boundaries. You can see it is intentionally deceptive, which is not the way a mature and healtthy person behaves but is rather an example of "frantic attempts to avoid real or imagined abandonment."

Getting post from my parents has historically been very triggering for me. To me it feels intrusive and an example of how they would not leave me alone. I can understand why any post would bother you, especially one so blatantly underhanded and manipulative. She sounds determined to get to *her* grandchild... . not that she cares about him but that she wants to use him to feel better about herself. She is willing to go to all this effort but will not acknowledge or resolve the issues that have led you to go NC. If she really cared I think she would do that.

You do not have to acknowledge this card. Personally, I'd toss it straight in the bin. It's up to your partner to decide whether to confront with a boundary, as that is whom the card was technically addressed to. In future, you might consider whether you even want your partner to even tell you if she sends any more letters.

You mention a fear that she will show up at your door. That is valid. Do you have a plan in place in case that happens?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Marcia]

You know, what's really wrong here (and believe me when I say it sounds oh so familiar), is that a mother would go to such lengths to Try to inspire fear obligation and guilt as well as get some third parties involved (your partner and the friend who addressed and mailed the card) when the obvious and normal thing to do would have been to reach out in the first place, sincerely apologize for creating hard feelings and ask for advice to avoid rough patches in the future. That would be what a normal, not perfect but trying todo the right thing parent would do, don't you think?

I hope you don't get sucked into immature and destructive games, especially now that your young son is in the picture. You deserve to enjoy him and build the healthy, functional family relationships you deserve. If your mom wants to confront her issues through serious therapy, she may deserve a 2nd look, but take care of yourself, first, in my opinion!

[Awakening23]

Thank you both for your insightful and helpful comments.

When I was young and my mothers odd behaviour surfaced I found it very difficult to deal with or understand. But with age and insight it becomes easier to Digest in the knowledge she is unwell and that she can not control me if i dont allow it. I would like to get to the point where her behaviour doesn't trigger me and I don't revert back to the old feeling of childhood fear and lack of control all together. I am preparing myself for what she may resort to now as I'm once again NC. If she does turn up at my door I will draw the curtains and ignore her. If she persists I will call the police. I'm 5 months pregnant and quite honestly I need even more so to protect myself. I can not however control what she sends in the post so will do my best to not take any of it seriously. I asked my partner to not inform me again if she sends anything to him. A tactic she used on my brother when they were NC was to find out where his wife's parents lived and pay them a visit. I am preparing myself for the possibility she may try this with my partners family. She has only met them once and I have a good relationship with them all so she has no control there. Looking back over years  of this it's so easy now to see her predictable attempts at trying to gain control when she feels rejected. Why oh why can't she see it? I guess what we need to always keep in mind is whatever they do we can't control but we can certainly try and control our reactions and free ourselves mentally from the FOG.