Has anyone with BPD ever admitted to being wrong?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Four weeks ago we got into another stupid argument about something insignificant. She always has to be right. There always has to be someone to blame for whatever occurs. She is never wrong and she is never to blame. Like she has done in some other arguments, she started to yell at me again. I told her I would not talk to her unless she lowered her voice. She wouldn’t.  I went outside for an hour to let her cool down. She started arguing again the moment I went back in the house. She would not stop yelling. I finally told her I was not going to stay in the house with her like that. I told I was going to go to my brother’s house for a couple of days. I was able to grab my computer and some of my camera equipment(I’m a photographer) before she locked me out of the house.

After two days she said she didn’t want to come back. The first week we talked on the phone almost each day. Usually it was about how it was my fault that we were arguing. Then all my “other faults” started to get listed by her. I was emotionally unavailable. I objectify women. I don’t kiss her enough. I don’t hug her enough. Etc, etc, etc.

In the second and third week she refused to answer my phone calls or text messages. I was about to start a new career and wanted to at least get some clothes. I had to buy a new pair shoes and new clothes to wear to work. She would not even let her sister or her brother-in-law get some clothes from her house for me.

This week (via text)  I am a cheater and a liar. She asked me if I enjoyed the fling I had while we were on vacation 6 months ago in Italy. Her proof was that there were emails from dating sites in my inbox 7 month ago. I told her those emails from about 5-6 (each day)dating services were all spam and reminded her that either she or my two sons were with me for every single moment we were on vacation. She went on to recite all the times I was late getting home and that I was screwing around not grocery shopping. She texted me she just realized I don’t have any of the vital qualities she needs in a man. She doesn’t want to talk to me. She doesn’t want to be with me and she doesn’t love me anymore. She doesn't pick up the phone or respond to text or emails. I have gone NC for now. I love her and care about her. I knew there were some past issues and until I found this site tonight, I wasn’t sure what is causing her issues. I still don’t have any of my clothes or belongings. My next step in to go with the police (Keep the peace visit) to get some things I need, but she will freak out even more. Once I do that, I know she will never allow me back in her life……………………….or will she?

To let me back... . she will have to give in to being wrong about my cheating. She will have to be wrong about my betraying her. She will have to be wrong that she yells at me. She will have to be wrong that I am a liar. She will have to admit that I am not the Devil.

Has anyone with BPD ever admitted to being so wrong in their accusations?


AJ

[AJwhatThe]

Four weeks ago we got into another stupid argument about something insignificant. She always has to be right. There always has to be someone to blame for whatever occurs. She is never wrong and she is never to blame. Like she has done in some other arguments, she started to yell at me again. I told her I would not talk to her unless she lowered her voice. She wouldn’t.  I went outside for an hour to let her cool down. She started arguing again the moment I went back in the house. She would not stop yelling. I finally told her I was not going to stay in the house with her like that. I told I was going to go to my brother’s house for a couple of days. I was able to grab my computer and some of my camera equipment(I’m a photographer) before she locked me out of the house.

After two days she said she didn’t want to come back. The first week we talked on the phone almost each day. Usually it was about how it was my fault that we were arguing. Then all my “other faults” started to get listed by her. I was emotionally unavailable. I objectify women. I don’t kiss her enough. I don’t hug her enough. Etc, etc, etc.

In the second and third week she refused to answer my phone calls or text messages. I was about to start a new career and wanted to at least get some clothes. I had to buy a new pair shoes and new clothes to wear to work. She would not even let her sister or her brother-in-law get some clothes from her house for me.

This week (via text)  I am a cheater and a liar. She asked me if I enjoyed the fling I had while we were on vacation 6 months ago in Italy. Her proof was that there were emails from dating sites in my inbox 7 month ago. I told her those emails from about 5-6 (each day)dating services were all spam and reminded her that either she or my two sons were with me for every single moment we were on vacation. She went on to recite all the times I was late getting home and that I was screwing around not grocery shopping. She texted me she just realized I don’t have any of the vital qualities she needs in a man. She doesn’t want to talk to me. She doesn’t want to be with me and she doesn’t love me anymore. She doesn't pick up the phone or respond to text or emails. I have gone NC for now. I love her and care about her. I knew there were some past issues and until I found this site tonight, I wasn’t sure what is causing her issues. I still don’t have any of my clothes or belongings. My next step in to go with the police (Keep the peace visit) to get some things I need, but she will freak out even more. Once I do that, I know she will never allow me back in her life……………………….or will she?

To let me back... . she will have to give in to being wrong about my cheating. She will have to be wrong about my betraying her. She will have to be wrong that she yells at me. She will have to be wrong that I am a liar. She will have to admit that I am not the Devil.

Has anyone with BPD ever admitted to being so wrong in their accusations?


AJ

[momtara]

Yeah, occasionally.  They have flashes of clarity.  And then they disappear.

My husband would admit to some things, and then later say he never admitted to them.

[benny2]

Yes mine tends to admit he was wrong when he is trying to reel me back in. In the beginning of the recycle he will say he did some things that were wrong and almost dwell on it for a couple weeks, then suddenly its all forgotten. Guess that what he expects of me, is to just forget. NOT!

[laidee]

My husband will admit he's wrong, but at the same time it's still my fault. "Yes I was wrong, but you shouldn't have done xyz... . ' Frustrating

[motherof1yearold]

I second what Momtara said , sounds exactly like my ex.

One thing is that if there is an audience , they will admit they are wrong just to not look like a total jack___.

Example: My ex husband had over his best friend while we were still married , and I got up early to make coffee , and I accidentally clogged it. He laid into me in front of his friend. Then hours later apologized to me...

But my point is he would never have apologized except to protect his image to his friend .  especially after acting out so many times to this particular friend the friend now thinks he's bi polar! 

[real lady]

Mine has not admitted to "being or doing" wrong intentionally... . he has "apologized" that it hurt me but shown NO ownership of how he behaves has affected my life.

He will of course say that "he doesn't know".

If I "correct him", he has in the past, gotten dysregulated just for the fact that I "was right and he was wrong" and though I made NO BIG ISSUE of it, HE had to make it an issue as if I was "calling him bad". People make mistakes, pwBPD don't EVER make mistakes.

To admit to making a mistake and apologizing would be seen by them as WE are unloving and unaccepting of them. When WE make a mistake, even an honest, innocent and innocuous MISTAKE, we may get the "third degree" as mine has given me, responding as if I committed treason toward him. amazing. 

[Whichwayisup]

My W has occasionally apologised for "going off on one" and has sought a hug as reconciliation which I have always welcomed, I have always thought this to be healthy and there may not have been a dis-associated outburst for months at a time. 

It feels like the rising and falling of the tide but without any obvious pattern... . perhaps we had some inherent limiting behaviours?

Part of the reason she now wants to break up is because she recognises we have been going round in circles for the past 13 years. If that were as obviously true as the statement there's a lot of apologizing... .

[AJwhatThe]

My GF has had times when she has yelled in rage at either myself or one if her sons. She justifies it by say that we drove her to yelling. We "made" her get angry. Her behaviour is always "just reacting to what others order doing to her".

I doubt she will admitt that she was wrong in accusing me of cheating. She will point to whatever imaginary evidence that exists for proof of her belief.

[coasterhusband]

Four weeks ago we got into another stupid argument about something insignificant. She always has to be right. There always has to be someone to blame for whatever occurs. She is never wrong and she is never to blame. Like she has done in some other arguments, she started to yell at me again. I told her I would not talk to her unless she lowered her voice. She wouldn’t.  I went outside for an hour to let her cool down. She started arguing again the moment I went back in the house. She would not stop yelling. I finally told her I was not going to stay in the house with her like that.

First off, the part quoted above, to the word, could have been (and I think is elsewhere on the forum) something I could have written. I feel your pain!

In my current experience, I don't think so, no. I am beginning to realize that there's not any chance I'll ever hear "You were right, I was wrong", or anything similar. I'm trying to come to terms with that and just accept the moments of acknowledgement that my pwBPD wife is giving me. (In her case, the closest she ever comes is giving me a sideways knowing glance while saying "hmmm" as a way to respond to something she KNOWS she did wrong and that I'm waiting for her to admit)

I'm impressed that you were able to get yourself out of the house. Seriously, kudos to you. My pwBPD wife, like many others I've read about here on this forum, knows exactly how to tap into my cortex and manipulate me into sticking around. I know I have to work harder to stick with it and get out when my boundaries are crossed (horrid accusations, screaming, etc.). I did OK during our flare up last night. I told her several time that if she continued to yell at me I wasn't going to stay in the room. I left after she did continue and told her, "I'm not going to participate in this conversation when you are yelling at me. I'm going to step outside and cool down for 15 minutes. It's 730p now, I'll be back at 745p."

I did it again later in the evening and went into the kitchen. She yelled down the hall that I was "abandoning her" and that I'd "promised never to do that again". Ugh.

You did the right thing - hang in there. I don't know your situation and won't attempt to give you relationship advice, other than to say: The universe has given you an opportunity to get out (sorta) cleanly. This doesn't go away, and the work will be on you (IMHO) more than on her. She is what she is and she'll do what she's programmed to do. Do you want to have that in your life for decades to come? If not, cut ties and cut ties fast. Otherwise, you have to make the informed decision that this is going to be your life.

Good luck, my friend.

[briefcase]

People with BPD can, and do, admit fault.  The problem is that they tend to see things in a very "black and white" or "all or nothing" way.  So, it can be very painful for them to admit fault because if they were wrong, then, in their minds, they are "always wrong" and "never right."  You see this a with some of the "helplessness" behaviors that some pwBPD exhibit. 

Life is rarely black and white - its gray.  We can pick up this  flea  though and start to think in ways that overgeneralize our partners and the condition. Try to recognize it when you see it and remember to see the gray area.     

[LetItBe]

People with BPD can, and do, admit fault.  The problem is that they tend to see things in a very "black and white" or "all or nothing" way.  So, it can be very painful for them to admit fault because if they were wrong, then, in their minds, they are "always wrong" and "never right."  You see this a with some of the "helplessness" behaviors that some pwBPD exhibit. 

Life is rarely black and white - its gray.  We can pick up this  flea  though and start to think in ways that overgeneralize our partners and the condition. Try to recognize it when you see it and remember to see the gray area.     

Yes, mine has admitted fault.  Sometimes it takes him a long time to do so, but he is capable of expressing deep regret and beats himself up over things.

[ohmygosh]

The only time my x admitted wrong was to reel me back in.  At first I thought this was good, like she was learning.  Following behaviours proved anything but learning.  If I ever see the day she has learned I will fall off my chair but welcome it with open arms.

[wanttoknowmore]

I think at some level they know that they "mess up" and there is something wrong with their mind BUT the denial serves to keep whatever little self esteem they have. If they admit, it will destroy the little self esteem there is.

My pwBPD used to say 'May be its me... May me its me who is crazy' but she will never admit clearly. 

[pixiepie]

mine said sorry to me tonight, but at a push and it was accompanied by " but I've got a lot going on "... . so saying sorry for going off was immediately squashed by the justification for it. He then went on to say a whole lot of new horrible things to me so... hahaha what was even the point?  *sigh*

[coralreef]

According to my mother and what I've seen, BPDDad has to say it is all our fault, and only sort of apologizes when we push him to, one of us has to say, "Cussing and yelling is bad, so why do you do that?" and he might reply, "It's wrong, I do that because you make me." There have only been two times that he ever replaced the word "that" or "it" with what he actually did wrong. He took a business trip all by himself with some coworkers   far across the country, he was kept busy enough and was always in front of other people, he wasn't able to contact home by phone or computer, so he wrote us all letters. These letters contradict his entire existence at home. It looks like a dream come true, apologies, love, acknowledgement--- it's the father and husband we wanted all these years, right on paper! But he comes back, definately happier and in a positive mood, and is back to the Hater phase again in less than a week. A BPDLovedOne on his/her own is a BPDLO that has nobody to depend on but him/herself... .

[Louise7777]

From my experience they never admitt being wrong, except if something good comes out of it for them. Of course thats not an honest admittion, its just a way to manipulate you.

Remember they dont learn from experience and its always others people´s faults.