Setting a boundary = Silent Treatment Punishment from FOUR people

[Sophie17]

Hello,

I have lurked for quite some time, and for what it's worth, this board has gotten me through some very difficult times even though I wasn't active in any way other than reading. Thank you for that.

I am ready to get some actual input now instead of scouring the boards for an answer - I know it's here, I just need a bit of "custom insight" from you all if that makes sense.

To skip to my direct struggle today (not the MILLIONS of struggles in the past that are still lingering to some extent, their stench clouding the air and mind, probably more than I realize) is this:

I have an UBPD mother-in-law. (Doing my best with the acronyms here.) My husband and I both are thankfully, finally, on the same page of recognizing her issues/disorder. We've worked VERY hard through marriage counseling (ETC) to get to this place and it hasn't been easy, but nonetheless, I feel much safer now than I ever did many times in the past due to the work we've done on our marriage.

As a result of our growth and feeling safe in taking care of myself with this situation (FINALLY) - I did something for the first time - I. SET. A. BOUNDARY.

Gasp. I know.

My husband 100% supported me after I set the boundary with her. I didn't ask his permission, (or hers), I just set the boundary.

And now, as a consequence, my mother-in-law and my husband's three sisters are not speaking to either of us.

Silent treatment is apparently the punishment for the boundary.

Now I am left struggling, trying to figure out what, if anything, to do.

I admit the silence has been a relief in a certain sense. It has for him too... . but yet, we are both troubled, although admitedly to a different extent and for different reasons, but we are pretty much aligned on the general principal of the issue. (No rule that says we both have to feel the same - in fact, it is accepting that we don't "have" to feel the same is what helped get to a  healthier place in our marriage.)

I am just in this icky "now what" place. Continue the silent treatment? Break the ice by reaching out? (Then I feel like they won, I lost, to be honest.)

My husband pointed out that we are also participating in the silent treatment by being silent. He's right. And then this juvenile voice in my head says, "Well, they started it. And I like the silence."

But on the other hand, a silent treatment just does feel "juvenile." I guess NC is a different, mature way of saying silent treatment?

Oh - the boundary you ask? That was about two months ago. We had to attend a family memorial service five hours from our home and because she is in assisted living and doesn't drive, someone had to "drive miss daisy" to the service. Through a series of messed up communications fraught with F.O.G, my husband and I got hoodwinked into driving her one way. Actually, he gave in and agreed even though I'd literally begged him to tell the family we were not available to assist driving her this time. He was deeper in the FOG at this time but has since said he'd give anything to have done what I suggested... . but anyway... .

As a result of me refusing to ride in the car with Cray-Cray for five (plus hours including drama breaks, bathroom breaks, food breaks, attention getting breaks, etc), I snapped.

I booked her a one-way plane ticket from our home town to the destination, which I paid for myself, and arranged a geriatric caregiver to get her from her assisted living facility to the airport, and then pick her up on the other end from the airport and drive her to the memorial service.

Unfortunately, she had a plane change in between and somehow missed the second plane and as a result missed the memorial service.

And as you can guess, as far as the uBPD mother in law and sisters are concerned, this is our fault because we didn't make the arrangements correctly/to their liking/at all. In fact, before she even left for the memorial service, one sister said, "Mom doesn't deserve to be abandonded like this. You need to drive her. She is very upset by this." (Manipulation, triangulation, etc etc)

Of course my uBPD mother in law was gushing to the caregivers about the special treatment, how lucky she is to fly, blah blah blah... . and then to my sister in laws, sobbing, sobbing that my husband and I could be so mean and abandon her.

But anyway, as a result of all of this, my husband and I aren't being spoken to by these three ladies. Mom and three sisters. We are in our 40's, MIL is 74.

What should I do? If anything? How can I get peace within myself about this.

Thank you, and feel free to ask for more information if it helps.

[sad but wiser]

Okay Sophie, it sounds like your husband isn't quite as ready as you are to step out of the chaos.  This is understandable, because she is his mother. 

Probably, YOU should have taken that plane flight and let you husband deal with his mother.  Maybe one of his sisters could have done a ride-along.  Hindsight.

  What to do now?  Well, let your husband talk to them if he wants to would be my advice.  You don't need to cater to her or have her move in with you.  Don't apologize, either.  What you chose was rational, after all.  How in the world did she miss her connection?  Hmmm!

   The bottom line is, you can't control anyone's behavior but your own.  Keep setting reasonable boundaries and calmly enforcing them.  This may make your husband a bit uncomfortable at times.  Talk to him about it calmly.  "This is what I need to do."  Don't expect that he will always agree.  My guess is that it is harder for him to set and keep boundaries than it will be for you.  Your example will probably help him a lot.

[Sophie17]

Thank you. You are right, my husband is in a slightly different place, but has come a long way as far as his choices being made with a priority of us first.  RELIEF!

I didn't want to fly and let him drive her because we were going to leave on a Friday night with our son (12) and spend the night half way, get a hotel with an indoor pool (treat when you are 12 and it's the winter) and make a family event of it. (The service was Saturday.)

Of course there were other options, and the mistake I need to own is that I didn't allow much wiggle room between arrival at the airport and the service in case a connecting flight was missed. But D-A-N-G... . (BTW my husband thinks she missed the connection on purpose. I am not sure about that, but regardless, she wasn't there.)

Currently my unBPDmil has a geriatric psychiatrist who is pushing the family to have a "family meeting" and I just feel a noose tightening around my neck when I begin to entertain the thought of going.

My husband doesn't want to attend at all.

I feel the need state my position and own my stance on my choice to not go to the family meeting (I am not going, and that is because of x,y,z) but he feels that silence and ignoring the requests is best for him because he doesn't want to give it any energy.

I guess we can both make our own choice about how we address not going.

Or should I go?

UGH. I HATE THIS. All of this energy over something that makes me so angry.

[hopesprings]

Sophie,

I'm new to figuring all this out myself, and I'm not sure the best way to handle a situation as complicated as the one you describe. I do think it is wonderful that you and your husband are trying to actively seek ways to manage some very daunting family dynamics.  Sounds like you did your best to come up with a solution that was supportive for you and addressed your MIL's transportation issues.  I'm guessing that no matter what solution you came up with, there probably would have been a problem. If you drove her yourself, she could have complained about that. You drive to fast/slow, didn't stop enough, she didn't like the conversation, didn't talk enough. If she didn't want it to be a positive situation, there was no way it could be. Seems like your MIL should have been able to figure out how to make an airplane connection. Maybe you didn't allow hours between flights, but again had you done that, she could have complained about being stuck in the airport waiting for her connection when there was an earlier one.  By missing the flight, she was able to make the whole day about her.  Everybody was worried, lots of drama, accusations.  I know that normally, missing a flight is not an attempt to get attention, but I've had big family events disrupted by key people mysteriously failing to show up without notice, for dramatic reasons, and it sure does shift the focus of the day.

The silent treatment is miserable.  I'm going through it right now with my uBPD mom.  Who is going to call who first even though she has been really, really difficult.  If I do break down and call her, I will get the icy voice or the victim speak "nice of you to check in".  I never know how to handle it.  Call?  Not call?  I'm much happier not calling and dealing with all the drama that doesn't occur anywhere else in my life, but then my kids start asking about grandma ... .   I feel like I need to maintain a workable relationship for them.  It is not fun, plus I'm angry.  When is it finally OK to say, "No, I won't allow you to treat me that way."?

I'm sure some of the people here will have some good insights. I hope you find the peace that you deserve

[Sophie17]

Oh my gosh. Thank you. I feel like I want to cry with relief when reading your words. YOU GET IT. People here get it!

I am so sorry that you are going through the waiting game of the silent treatment hell yourself. It's just miserable. I feel so powerless and can't figure out the difference between NC and how that is different from abuse that is the result of allowing myself to be subjected to a silent treatment.

It's almost like the part that matters to me is who initiates it. If I initiate it, it's NC. If it's "done to me" then it's a silent treatment. I'm so confused!

I am thankful for these message boards. I'm going to keep reading. We are meeting with our counselor on Saturday, I know that will help.

You are right - no matter what I did regarding the memorial service, it wouldn't have worked out no matter what I did except (again) sacrifice myself and my needs, and that wasn't an option. Not this time. And even if I had sacrificed myself, this blowout would have happened next time with a different set of circumstances.  I am convinced setting a boundary was the right thing to do, but it sure sucks that this is the thanks I get. I feel better about myself though, and THAT is a wonderful feeling!

I'm angry too. I understand how you feel, hopesprings. And I hope YOU get what you deserve as well.

[Ember]

Good for you for setting boundaries!  The hard part of boundaries is that other people are going to get mad at you.  And sometimes it is really hard to see what makes sense.

Here is my version of PLANES, TRAINS and MIL.  My MIL is also 74 and expects that everyone should be at her whim when she wants to go on a trip.  For visits to her daughter we drive 1 hour to pick up MIL and about 4 hours to a meeting point.  Which means about 10 hours driving for us (only about 5 1/2 hours in the car for her) and we have to arrange babysitters since this is too much for one of us to drive. 

We would not accomodate her last visit and so she managed to convince her daughter to pick her up from the airport... . but wait I didn't say which airport.  The good daughter flys from her home to our local airport so that she can fly back the same day with MIL on the plane.  They tried to rope my husband into picking up his sister from the airport and driving to MIL's house so that he could  immediately turn around and drive back to the airport with his Mom and sister.   Instead, he offered to pick up MIL from home and bring her to the airport (still about 3 hours of driving time).  Daughter's response was, "that would be too hard on Mom, I could NEVER do that to her."  What? It is too hard for MIL to be picked up by her son and driven to the airport to meet her daughter? That doesn't even make sense.

At this point, it became pretty obvious that games were afoot and we were being cast at the bad son and DIL because of our refusal to accomodates MIL's dates.  My husband and I just thought it was too silly to be taken seriously.

So here's what I've learned.  It is good to set boundaries, but you need to be prepared for the consequences.  You said that your husband thinks she missed her flight on purpose.  Thus, I'm assuming her flight wasn't delayed.  Guess what... . your MIL needs to be a grown up.  She missed her flight - she needs to deal with it.  She missed the memorial service.  Well we all have disappointments in life - get over it.  BTW, BPD do have a tendancy to make funerals and memorial services all about them and she does seem to have succeeded in making this all about her.

[mindfulness]

I am "NC" with my uBPD mother since Thanksgiving. It's not the first time, although it is the longest. I've also wrestled with whether to reach out. My therapist has helped me by basically encouraging me to do "whatever I want to do" without regard for my mother's reaction. I've spent so many years (arguably my whole life) planning how I handle her around what will be least likely to set her off. I don't want to do it anymore, I want to do what feels right to ME. So, if an occasion comes up where you feel the need to reach out, do so. Just be prepared for the drama -- don't plan what you do/say around that expectation, just prepare for it so you aren't shocked when you get a melodramatic / cold / manipulative / all of the above response. At which point you can just stop responding (if it's over email, don't write back, if it's the phone, politely end the conversation, etc.) or keep things completely straightforward.

For example:

-Hello, we wanted to invite you to such-and-such event. It's on Friday at 9 PM.

-Well I can't come because I've been terribly sick. I can't even get out of bed.

-Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better soon. We'll miss you on Friday.

or

-Hello, just reaching out to see if you're okay, we haven't heard from you in a while and are just checking in.

-Oh, so now all of a sudden you care about me? You didn't seem to care so much when you treated me the way you did for the memorial. What, you need something from me right now and that's why you're calling?

-Like I said, just wanted to make sure you were doing okay. Sorry to hear that you are still upset. It doesn't sound like you want to talk right now, so feel free to give us a call when you are up for it. (hang up).

BUT these examples would only be if you really feel you WANT to reach out to her. If you'd prefer not to, don't. Family members, particularly children, of BPDs spend so much time deciding whether to do something based upon how their BPD parent will react -- it's time to start doing what feels true to YOU and YOUR feelings. If that's contacting her in a limited way, then that's fine. If it's not, that's fine too.

I hope that makes sense. Sorry this got so long! I can just really relate as I've had this exact conversation with my therapist many times over

[sad but wiser]

Dear Sophie, yes, the boundaries are hard to take.  What is the noose regarding the family meeting? Oh wait, let me guess, you and your husband are the ones who will be chosen to do all the caretaking - whatever that may be, including having her move in with you?  Am I right?  So how about you two sitting down and setting some really, really strong boundaries right now, ahead of time.  You have a son to worry about, and he doesn't need to hear a family member raging at you or your husband.  Just keep your instincts alert, they are a help. 

No, you are not a bad person to set boundaries.  All healthy people have them.

No, it is not your sole responsibility to make these women happy, even if they say it is.

Hang in there!

[Sophie17]

Thank you so much everyone for your insight and support and advice.

Ember - I am sorry but I cracked up when I read your version of planes, trains, and automobiles. It's ALWAYS something, isn't it? WOW. It almost (almost) laughable, but yet, soo bizarre. The flight my MIL "missed" was a connecting flight in a very small regional airport. Because we are on silent treatment, I have no idea what the "reason" was, but regardless, it's my fault and I'm being punished so I don't care to know the story (and it is just that, a story.) Wow, your incident is as bad as mine. Yep, the games were afoot, and it's funny how fast they happen and how in-deep we get before we know it. Yuck.

Sad but wiser - The family meeting is something the geriatric psychiatrist requested. We have a geriatric caregiver who drives MIL to these appoinments every other week and the geriatric caregiver provides notes to "the family' after the appointments. The notes provide details of the appoinments (and yes, my MIL signed a disclosure/authorization that she approves the sharing of the details by the care manager to the family.) Generally in these appointments she complains about being "abandoned" in (a very expensive) assisted living facility, complains about how almost deadly the living conditions are, and complains about non-existing health problems, etc etc etc... . how her poodle is mistreated too, the maids (wait, "The Help" steals things constantly and the food they serve the residents has gone bad. In fact, it's so horrible there, the silverware sometimes doesn't match. I know, the horror!

Sidebar - she trumped up a special renal diet that as it turns out didn't exist per her doctor and HOURS of calls by the geriatric care manager that the family pays for... . and she always refers back to a "thyroid storm" incident which never happened. I'm not sure there is a real thing called a thyroid storm anyway. I always joke with my husband when if I snap and start a band at age 42, I'm calling it Thyroid Storm.

Anyway, the meeting is supossedly to let her air her greviences and be sort of a mediation session between the family and MIL, guided by the psychiatrist. What the heck? Nope. No way. She has enough money in a trust fund to remain in assisted living so living with any of the kids is not an option. My father-in-law left her this fund when he passed away last year (although they'd been divorced for 30+ years... . generous man.)  My husband is the trustee of the fund and makes all of the decisions. He's not doing what the family wants him to do (move her to an even MORE expensive facility which is a waste of money - almost $6,000/month - limos every day, blah blah blah) So the lack of power the sisters and MIL have now as a result of the death has been the catalyst for all of this.

Note to self - need to read more about BPD and entitlement to money and lavish living... .

Today, my husband politely and directly declined to attend this family meeting. ("Thank you for arranging this, Sophie and I will not be attending" kind of thing. Short and sweet, all about us, not asking for agreement boundary.)

I do recognize that this meeting could potentially be an opportunity for improvment that is being thrown away, but honestly, at this point, neither of us feel like making an effort with his siblings and most certainly not the MIL. We can always try differently in our own way. It's not an all-or-nothing thing, IMO.

It's much easier for me than it is for him, but it's still sad and hard. I know it's the right thing to do though.

Mindfulness - thank you for script examples. I do know my husband is having anxiety because he hasn't broken the ice with MIL (yet) and we are going to discuss this in our counseling session Saturday. I will bring your example scripts with me. I especially like the second one, I think that is the way to go.

Sorry this was so long everyone. I guess it's a vent of sorts... . I cannot tell you how much I appreciate EVERYTHING.

-Soph

[Ember]

Hi Sophie17,

No need to apologize - I'm glad you found my version of Planes, Trains and MILs funny.  My husband has a great sense of humour and I'm learning from him that it is better to laugh then to rant. 

[sad but wiser]

Oh Sophie, I feel sorry for the staff at that assisted living home!  The problem is, there is no one there to complain to, to blame.  They treat you like you are a crotchety old woman if you gripe at them.  Where is the guilt?  Where is the giving you your way?  This isn't fun at all!

  Congratulations to your wonderful husband for setting that boundary.  It was an act of courage to say no.  You two just hang in there!