trying to separate the parents

[Parents! Get help here!]

When you have a son or daughter who has BPD and/or NPD there is much focus here on trying to help them. The problem is they often refuse the help, don't acknowledge they need it, or use it as a manipulation tool. This illness, living in your midst can literally DESTROY your family. Those that have lived through this will completely validate that, I have no doubt. It's very difficult to understand the dysfunctional dynamics involved unless you have lived through it.

People with NPD & BPD are often very intelligent and logical, which is a complete mismatch with their level of emotional maturity. When they are young adults they will try to split the family apart to get their way, trying to separate the parents, aligning other children with them, raging, disobeying rules at home, and on and on. One way this is done is by focusing on an area where the parents disagree (and there always are some), continuosly violating that area which tends to get the 2 parents arguing between themselves. The disruption caused by having someone like this living in your home affects everyone. It literally becomes a war zone.

[lurchlookalike]

When you have a son or daughter who has BPD and/or NPD there is much focus here on trying to help them. The problem is they often refuse the help, don't acknowledge they need it, or use it as a manipulation tool. This illness, living in your midst can literally DESTROY your family. Those that have lived through this will completely validate that, I have no doubt. It's very difficult to understand the dysfunctional dynamics involved unless you have lived through it.

People with NPD & BPD are often very intelligent and logical, which is a complete mismatch with their level of emotional maturity. When they are young adults they will try to split the family apart to get their way, trying to separate the parents, aligning other children with them, raging, disobeying rules at home, and on and on. One way this is done is by focusing on an area where the parents disagree (and there always are some), continuosly violating that area which tends to get the 2 parents arguing between themselves. The disruption caused by having someone like this living in your home affects everyone. It literally becomes a war zone.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

Hi lurchlookalike,  would you mind sharing some of your personal exp.  with this if you do not mind thank you

[opheliasmom]

Hi lurchlookalike,

I understand what you mean when describe how a child can wreak havoc on the family.  Its sometimes difficult to decide what is best for the whole family versus the PwBPD.  I have found that boundaries are what protects me and other family members.  There are numerous conversations on boundaries throughout this site.  For me determing and then enforcing boundaries was difficult.  However, once I was consistent with boundaries our entire family was much healthier.  They are not a cure all but boundaries have helped me have some sanity. 

[Want2know]

When they are young adults they will try to split the family apart to get their way, trying to separate the parents, aligning other children with them, raging, disobeying rules at home, and on and on. One way this is done is by focusing on an area where the parents disagree (and there always are some), continuosly violating that area which tends to get the 2 parents arguing between themselves.

lurchlookalike,

Do you feel that your son is the cause of the relationship problems between you and your wife?  You have not talked about him.  Can you talk about it?

I've noticed that you post on the relationship ending boards (e.g., Leaving, Ending, Divorcing, Parenting after the Split) but not on Staying - yet you say you are planing to stay.   Might the members on "Staying" be of some help with tools for resolving issues with your wife?

Might we, here on "Supporting",  be of some help with your son?  How is your relationship now?

[qcarolr]

When you have a son or daughter who has BPD and/or NPD there is much focus here on trying to help them. The problem is they often refuse the help, don't acknowledge they need it, or use it as a manipulation tool. This illness, living in your midst can literally DESTROY your family. Those that have lived through this will completely validate that, I have no doubt. It's very difficult to understand the dysfunctional dynamics involved unless you have lived through it.

I agree, there are times that my BPDDD26 wrecks havoc on our family. And this has happened in the past couple weeks. It is really up to me as an adult to manage myself, so that I can be here to cope with the tremendous stresses of my home with her living here. Sometimes I do just want to run away and live alone somewhere.

The key for me is finding the strength to do the hard work with myself - to find balance, work through my own depression and PTSD issues, find validation for myself as a worthwhile individual --- ie. take care of my needs, and my r/s with my spouse -- before there can be much peace in our home. And yes, there are times that my DD26 has to leave the house for a few days when she just cannot find her self-control.

Sometimes the easiest path for me is to blame DD for everything. Yet, even when she was gone those few days I was super-irritable with gd and dh. Dh finally got through to me that some of this was actually me, not DD. Her pushing of some boudnaries when I was in a down cycle within myself limited our ability to manage the past couple weeks as well has we had been.

The skills I have learned on this board have allowed my DD to be in our home, and the majority of the time things are working OK. Before I found this site, and began the work on myself and how I communicate with EVERYONE in my family - it was bad most of the time. It is an ongoing practice to keep finding the balance point.

I look forward to hearing more about the specifics of what is going on with your son and how he interacts within your family.

qcr  

[Kate4queen]

Totally, my son spent years splitting my husband and I and aligning one of his brothers up with him while hating on and vilifying the other. But I was the parent he loved for many years, and I felt like I was stuck in the middle with everyone against me while I was desperately trying to keep my family together.

Luckily, my husband and I are good friends and have been since we were 14. We were lucky enough to be able to get away from our children on a regular basis and rediscovered each other and that coming back home made us into different tense nervous people who were living in a BPD induced war zone.

When I eventually told my son that I would always support his father, that was the beginning of the end for his love for me. He went on to alienate me in the most hurtful and vindictive way he could think of and walked out.

I'm so glad my husband and I re-found each other and have been able, with the help of counseling to work through our issues, which included me offering him a sincere apology and deep appreciation for him hanging in there when he was sometimes in complete despair.

so yeah, they can do that all right.

[lbjnltx]

Hi lurch,

Are you looking for answers?

Are you willing to do some hard work on yourself?


Let us know, we can help.


lbjnltx