Before I send this ... please vet

[nolisan]

Hope and trust you are doing well

Want to tell you

Your time with me has left me with a sense of huge gratitude.

And sadness fading into warmth of a healing wound

no longer hot and burning ... .

Our thing changed me ... .

At depth ... . probably more so after you left

refection ... .   the humic acid of decay

I'll never be the same

More human

Embracing the light and dark

no longer as frightened

Creator ... .  Destroyer ... . Protector

All in one

I could and did blame

Take your inventory

How could you ... .

Me ... . the victim

an all to familiar role

But I have come to a new place ,,

No one can make me feel bad about myself

unless I give them permission

Ouch ... .

i have resided in victim-hood far to long

Long before you

Why ... .

The payoff- my payoff

Attention!

Poor me!

No more ... .

It all goes back to my childhood wounding.

It seemed so small when I compared myself to others

No physical or sexual abuse

No overt alcoholism

But little Brent didn't get something he needed

It left a void that I looked to fill

booze, drugs, sex

then you.

Yes I have joined ACA and CoDa

I thank you for that nudge

It is where my core stuff and healing is

Daily phone meetings for six months and

I like the local meeting

My wounding ... .

Dad a traveling salesman

Mon would threaten abandonment as punishment when her was away

Cold and distant at times, loving at others

Deeply buried stuff

It hurts to recall these feelings

It feels like betraying m parents

but they carried wounds from their childhoods

and did the best they could

I don't blame them

Now I am quieting the critical parent

developing the loving parent

with a solid connection to the Hp

my ultimate parent

The HP will never abandon us

as long as we don't abandon it.

Finally ... . the unconditional love we sought

It was there all along.

And I want you to know

I have deep compassion for you

lots of reading ... . i know I was not the intent/target of your anger

I don't take the hurts personally today

I know with regret

that my love could not heal you

I wanted that, naively

It;s up to you and your HP

I have faith that this will come to you ... .

You have all the tools.

Let go.

My gratitude ... .

You helped me get here

I'll never forget you

and hold you in fact my heart

... . my first true love.

I'll love you until the return of forever.

I am still working my 1st steps ... . I have a long road ahead and am in no hurry. I do not expect a response nor even want one. I am putting this out to you and the cosmos as a first step in healing.


“If we can accept that we are the sum total of all past thoughts, emotions, words, deeds and actions and that our present lives and choices are colored or shaded by this memory bank of the past, then we begin to see how a process of correcting or setting aright can change our lives, our families and our society.”

     Morrnah Nalamaku Simeona

[GreenMango]

Heartfelt Nolisan.  Don't send it... . its too personal.  She won't  appreciate you digging deep here - its doesn't fit the script. 

Can you think on it for a couple of days.  What would be goal of sending it?

[laelle]

I agree with GreenMango here,

What would be the point of sending it?  Part of her problem is the inability to empathize.  You are giving away a beautiful part of you to someone who either wont get it or will "pretend" to get it to keep you as a possible recycle.  It sounds like you are hoping to kick start her idealization phase for you again.  Is that what you are wanting?

[Whitefang]

Thanks for sharing here with ppl who understand.

Unfortunately, the intended recipient, won't.  She is deaf to empathy & it doesn't matter how much "louder", rational or heartfelt your intention.   

I know how bad your heart wants to scream, make her understand, to feel "heard".   I believe sending that (or anything at this point) will just set you up for more hurt, rejection & disappointment.   How much more can you take? 

There comes a time when our resentment must come to resignation at the end of a relationship w/pwPD.   No, you have not "lost", as there is/was nothing to gain. 

I almost bet if you send that (or any communication whatsoever), you'll regret it.   NO response or lack thereof will fulfill you in any way.  The need most of us have to think baring our souls will surely jumpstart them into finally listening/feeling our hurt & confusion, often prolongs our hurt.  Who needs that? 

[WalrusGumboot]

You poured your heart out. You might not expect a response, but you would like a reaction. You want her to realize what she lost and to reciprocate your eternal love. I'm even going out on a limb to say that deep down inside you, you want affirmation that all that you invested into the relationship wasn't all wasted.

Most likely the reaction by her would be the opposite of what you expect. You would give her another opportunity to crush your heart under foot yet again.

There are some wise responses here, and I have been in your shoes. There is no closure to these kind of relationships, from a conventional staNPDoint.

[Mightyhammers]

Hi mate, I really wouldn’t bother. I sent her a message after another big argument last week basically telling her how I feel and trying to highlight the great parts of our relationship ( of which there are many ), and she responded by picking up on none of them but highlighting the bad ones and telling me she was done. She’ll throw it back in your face I guarantee it

[elessar]

sorry... . but I have written poems, essays, letters... . done it all. it will only inflate their ego and their self-importance but won't change their attitude towards you... . till the time they want to (more likely need something from you).

you are only going to hurt yourself. but you might need to go through this to realize for yourself. us telling anything won't make a difference.

i don't hate my ex. its just that her behavior and the reason behind it is crystal clear.

hopefully you will reach that state sooner or later. can take weeks to years.

and if you really want them to know/contact you... . do not give them attention. do not give them that power. and they will contact you eventually someday to feel you out.

i have written these poems and letters too many times in the last 7 years to know how it always eventually ends.

if you still want to send then go ahead... . but don't expect any change from them.

[seeking balance]

Beautifully written

This is your heart, to be protected while you heal - sending this letter will likely result in pain for both of you.  She is not capable of a response you desire which will leave her to feel guilty and you feel to frustration and hurt.

Sometimes, the greatest kindness we can do for us and others is to accept the situation as it truly is.

Peace,

SB

[MakeItHappen]

Lovely.

Heartfelt.

Honest.

Pure.

Don't send it. It's very raw and quite "real." It's deserving of someone who let it penetrate them and make them think, feel and relate.

[expos]

Don't send it to her.  Keep it for yourself to read.  She is not deserving of this type of treatment!  Sending it and getting no response back will set you back a lot.  I know from experience... .

[rogerroger]

Others have said it better, but I agree - don't send it. It won't generate empathy, understanding, sympathy, change of heart, or restoration of lost good will.

For many of us here, we hurt as deeply as we do because we have trouble accepting when others are angry or feel hurt by us. We feel that we must do something to smooth things over so that we can at least dissolve the negative feelings directed at us. If only we can explain what we meant, or felt, or wanted, or if only we can share our own pain vividly enough that we are no longer thought to be bad, then somehow our own pain will be lessened. At the root of things is a disposition to let our own feelings depend on the feelings of others.

[free and happy]

Don't send. This is the sort of thing I would burn in a beautiful releasing fashion. Your thought and prayers are well thought and written only to be ingnored or trashed. Better to let go.

[redfeather]

I agree with the others... dont send this. After being involved with a pwBPD it is past time to protect your heart and your feelings not theirs. No judgement here but you are exposing your throat to a predator with this writing you offer. It is very personal and makes me cringe to read it. It just exposes way too much personal information... . Write for yourself and dont send it... The have no empathy and will use it to meet their own needs down the road or to ridicule you as needy/desperate to whomever they are now involved with.

[wanttoknowmore]

Nolisan,

pwBPD donot have the capacity to recognise your pain and grief. Its better not to send it . I remember ,my pwBPD in our early days used to show me the poems her Ex texted her and she will laugh and make fun of him saying  that the poor guy is in bad shape and trying to chase me... the fool has no idea that I have moved on. I couldnot understand it then as she had painted him as a very abusive and cruel man. Also, she would mock him about how he used to write with red lipstick on mirror "I love you" Now, I understand that how their feelings change once they paint us black. They become very loving to very heartless... it's difficult to amagine.

[nolisan]

Thank you all.

I had a momentary lapse - I do have urges to contact - byt they are getting less frequent and less intense. Almost 6 months NC after I finally reached a GTFO out moment. A sharp painful end but long overdue after a year on crazy making. I still am somewhat amazed that the words came out of my mouth but they had to.

I am a recovering Alcoholic (4.5 years sober) an put "contact" in the same inner circle as taking a drink - one drink would be one too many - the obsession would start all over again. Same as with her - in fact she was the most dangerous "drug" I have ever recovered from.

Thanks again - this forum is a life saver.

[Hurt llama]

This forum is blowing my mind!

I just sent yet another email 'explaining' our conversation a couple of hours ago and as I am rereading it I am thinking... . it's pointless and even worse as it probably reassures her on levels I am just too tired to think about any more.

The interesting thing is how I can read this thread and immediately feel I want to tell the OP NOT to send it... . and yet I sent my own stupidgram an hour ago along with a bunch of other stuff that just keeps it going.

It's a process?

[Hurt llama]

Thank you all.

I had a momentary lapse - I do have urges to contact - byt they are getting less frequent and less intense. Almost 6 months NC after I finally reached a GTFO out moment. A sharp painful end but long overdue after a year on crazy making. I still am somewhat amazed that the words came out of my mouth but they had to.

I am a recovering Alcoholic (4.5 years sober) an put "contact" in the same inner circle as taking a drink - one drink would be one too many - the obsession would start all over again. Same as with her - in fact she was the most dangerous "drug" I have ever recovered from.

Thanks again - this forum is a life saver.

6 MONTHS no contact! incredible...

congratulations... I have not gone 6 days of NC in 6 years and ended it supposedly 3 years ago... I reach for her about 50x more than she does for me... .

Be proud. you have done really well... I am jealous. and inspired.