Drive, Intensity, Passion: Does it ever come back?

[TakeFlight]

A quick reading of this forum reveals that both BPD's and Nons are wildly successful and intense people profesionally.

The sad part is that many BPD's seem to steal this agressive lust for life from their parteners in the wake of a nasty break up. I know I certaintly seem to have lost some of my finer qualities.

Its commonly described that this success stems from a need for some sense of outward directed self worth, which honestly, EVERYBODY has, but is perhaps more prevelent in those across the BPD/Non spectrum.

I am but in my early 20's, freshly out of a great university, in a great job, but having serious self doubts. My spark isn't there like it used to be and my greatest fear is that this robs me of the opportunity to become as successful as I once envisioned myself being.

So my question is: does it come back? Are we eventually that same driven person, without needing it to validate ourself worth? I'm about 5 months out now/NC/failry detached, but my self worth took a mighty hit due to her targeted, covert lashings... .

[Consumed]

Lord, I hope it comes back. I am asking the same question. I can't seem to get going, it feels like I'm on the couch 24 hours a day. I have no passion for anything. My thoughts go to; am I gonna ever trust again? will I ever have a connection again? Stuff that's not rational, I know, but like taker and many others, I have lost a part of me and I want it back, but have no energy to do it. I know I'm depressed and have some ptsd going on and it really sucks. I feel everyday that I lost my family (ex gf and her 5yr son) and will never have that connection with anyone evr again. That sounds ridiculous just typing it, I've never been this way before. Been NC for 2 months and it sucks. I miss that connection, which in reality, wasn't even there. But I seemed to have something to focus on. AARRGGHH

[laelle]

I dont know your personal story, but after having had a run in with a BPD, I can say its perfectly normal to feel as you do.

They continually build you up then slap you down.  It leaves us confused, depressed, hopeless and a little looney.  

I feel certain that you will not only recover, but you will have learned a few important lessons about yourself as well.



My ex was not wildly successful.  He tends to run his own people off with his irrational thinking.  He does try tho.

[freshstart48]

Absolutely it can come back. ITS IN YOUR HANDS, not your ex's. Going through a bad relationship with BPD person or a "normal" person that ends badly always hurts, even if we were not dumped.

I'm hurting now and I"M LETTING MYSELF HURT... She's gone, she's not doing it to me anymore. It's my choice if I sit around and have a pity party or pick myself up off the floor and move forward. Again, IT'S MY CHOICE on how I let myself feel. Everyone should grieve the end of a relationship. Cry, be sad, be angry, say life isn't fair, but... draw a line in the sand that you're going to move on after so many days or weeks or months. Some heal quicker than others but we have the power over how we let ourselves feel.

I'm at 10 days of NC since my ex pulled her latest stunt that broke us up. I'm done w/her. I feel sorry for her because I think she really is sick and can't control some of her moods and actions. I tried to make it work, agreed to therapy with her and that wasn't enough. Time to move on despite how much I loved her, her kids out time together, etc.

There's a quote I love and use often "Whether we think we can or we think we can't, we're right.

[TakeFlight]

There's a quote I love and use often "Whether we think we can or we think we can't, we're right.

I really vibe with that quote. I've always considered success to be more about your attitude than your brains or anything else. Part of why I',m so worried now .

Another concern of mine is that I initially handled the disasterous break up the way I handled everything else in life: Superman mode. My motto was the famous  "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond." But the more I reflect and the more I learn about why  I let this happen, the more I wonder "Am I really just fundamentally defective? Programed for this crap from childhood?". Hoping my world class T can help me surmount this... .

[freshstart48]

I get it. I'm in FULL BLOWN SELF DISCOVERY mode as to why i chose to ignore all the     while dating my ex for over a year. I know I have to uncover whats driving my shortcoming, insecurities and possible low self esteem that allowed me to go back to this girl time and again. Family, buddies, everyone told me she had "issues" based on how she acted and treated me. They think I have issues as well for not dropping her like a hot brick. I'm going to continue to go to therapy and do some self help books to help me improve.

We broke up 5-6 times over the past year with most coming in the last 90 days. In most cases, I'd wait for a week or two then go on some dates simply because I didn't feel sitting at home, alone ruminating about her was healthy either.

I've read on other sites how long you should "heal" after the end of any relationship. Obviously, the duration of the relationship plays a key factor along with others. For the year I was with her, most say a month to reflect and heal is adequate but it depends on other factors too.

I'm feeling MUCH BETTER today on day 10. We've been broken up off/on this entire 2013 and I'm going to start looking at the dating sites. I'm not going to jump into another serious relationship for a while but I don't see where going on a date here or there could do anything but help me move the right direction. I'm not judging but I don't see how sitting around for months and months or even over a year is helping people move on. Hell lifes too short... I live alone after a divorce and i like female companionship. My ex made her choice. She's moved on in her life. I know if I'm happy in dating or even casually seeing someone, the chances of me EVER considering getting pulled back into BPO girl would be none... .

[blecker]

I sit here today and type.

I am the product of every experience my five senses have captured throughout my life.

Every kiss, every tumble, every hug, every stumble.

Every loss, every win, every grace, every sin.

With each moment my library of self expands and seeks to make sense.

I will be better for my breathing no matter the labor and I will remember the pain and the joy as the next moment is unveiled.

[real lady]

That's a good question and one that speaks to our deepest fears of "losing ourselves" in a BPD relationship. I would answer it as as long as you maintain/regain the "you" that got you into the relationship, the more likely that we will come through this BPD relationship wiser if not a bit "pruned" by the damage.

I see myself "coming back" even though I am still with my uBPDso. I imagine that by the time that I AM READY to leave, he will not really want me to be around, I will be reminding him of WHAT HE WAS NOT ABLE TO DO for himself and HOW HE HAS NOT damaged me beyond repair to keep me to stay with him. I will become, again, the person I was before I "reunited" with him and I will then SEE HIM AS HE IS and GO ON with my life with renewed "joie de vivre".

Don't worry... . you are growing not remaining stagnant like our BPD loved ones. they need to take care of themselves and we need to learn to NOT EXPECT them to take care of us in any way... . we need to "go on an live our lives"... .

[momtara]

I think it will come back when you find someone you can trust again, or when enough time passes to see that the world isn't always as crazy as your ex is.  A trusting relationship is a hard thing to find even when you aren't getting out of a BPD relationship... . try to focus on the things you still love.  I think your old self will come back in time.  It always happens eventually, it just takes time.

[charred]

I think it somewhat comes back... . I was dumped by my pwBPD about 28 yrs ago... and was devasted, didn't understand why. My exBPDgf showed up dating a neighbor a few weeks later... so I moved as far away as I could and started over. After about 10 yrs, I felt like I was pretty much over her, had a new career, and started getting positive again... after 14 yrs I decided to have kid, married my long time girlfriend who I ended up spending some 22 yrs with. So from the depths I climbed back up a bit.

Then about 27 yrs after I had met my pwBPD, she came back in to my life... I head her voice and it was like no time had passed ... . and that led to a divorce, then endless fighting/recycling and stress/anxiety as it became clear that my pwBPD was not my dream girl, but a nightmare.

So now, at 50, I have had the rug pulled out from under my life twice. The first time I didn't know any better, the second time, I thought I was older, wiser and was finally going to have my life on track... . but in fact, it was on track, and I stupidly lost my wife, and my family.

I have learned a great deal about what BPD is, about why the r/s couldnt have worked and didn't, all kinds of insight in to my own attachment issues and how they made me a good target for a pwBPD. Learned about codependency and now pretty well understand what happened and how I got here.

I had intensity with my pwBPD... intense anxiety, intense stress, intense fights, and inflicted intense pain on my daughter, now exwife and self. Intensity doesn't equal good stuff. My drive is all but gone. I used to have a lot of things I wanted to accomplish, and had a list, and went down it and did everyone of them. Been focusing on what my wife wanted, what my daughter wanted and then what my pwBPD wanted... now all of them are out of my life or just marginally in it (daughter visits... but hasn't lived with me for 4 yrs now.)  So when it comes to what do I want... . I draw a blank. I wanted a kid and family life, adventure, friends and accomplishments. My exwife has decided that we will never work out,  my daughter made her promise we won't get back together again (after recycles shook her hopes of us reconciling)... I have little motivation, I had a lot of money in the bank, a great bachelor pad, free time, 6 r/t tickets to anywhere in the world, about a month of free hotel time (all from lots of business travel)... and I pretty much sit at home moping... . didn't go anywhere or do anything.

I have dated, but my heart isn't in it, and I am so gun shy at this point that I run at any sign of crazy (dated a gal I liked, saw her FB page and she had written a 4-5 page whacko political rant that ended my interest in her.)

Mindfulness has helped calm me down and be present... . and I have no doubt that I will get busy with work, get some time and distance from the 22yrs I spent with my wife and the horrid r/s with my pwBPD... but having been through this before a long time ago... its not as bad this time, but I find it hard to believe that the passion and drive I once had will ever come back to a level like it once was.

I am trying to find me under all the regrets and hurt. I have heard of some women being dream killers, but the aftermath of the r/s with a pwBPD... is so devastating. Like losing a parent... but pointless, my pwBPD is just too toxic to live with. Now I feel like an old chump, with few friends, no family, no purpose and little hope.

Oddly it isn't that bad, when I was dumped by my pwBPD about 27 yrs ago... . I was suicidal, and had to get away from her even though it meant leaving family, home town, business and all forms of support... . , now, I am just bored and living a  pointless existence... so I guess its already better.

My exwife is dating and it bothers me, (and my daughter)... and the thought of the rest of my life just being visited by my daughter, and of her growing up with someone else with her mother, having all the holidays split between multiple places, and having to start over in the dating world again... is depressing. I love my exwife, but I don't know that we should be back together... she says I love her but am not in love with her... . I was in love with my pwBPD... or thought so, now I think it was all a needy sham.

I certainly hope we can recover and get passion/drive back... I am pretty boring at the moment, and that is not me.

[me757]

It was the complete opposite for me. My ex told me I didn't have my #$%# together when we were together, which was bs. So after we broke up and after 1 month of depression, a lot of alcohol and listlessness, I decided that if I continued down this path then she had won - and was right.

My main drive was to increase my social value so high that I would have way more options with women so I could weed out pwBPD like her in the future. My problem before was that she was very attractive and I ignored the red flags because I felt like I couldn't do better. The more options you have, the less you will ignore red flags. Win win.

[real lady]

I certainly hope we can recover and get passion/drive back... I am pretty boring at the moment, and that is not me.

I can relate to how you are feeling ((charred)) but I think that it really depends MUCH MORE UPON OURSELVES than finding someone new. I will be ME no matter who I am in relationship with. Even while still living with my uBPDso, in my "BPD nightmare, I call it, I am not feeling "pretty boring or bored" because I realize that I HAVE MYSELF and I AM ENOUGH. Start with what you have, WHO you have and "get your life back". I am doing it and so can you. Healing from a R/S with a pwBPD is really like healing from abuse. We have been so ABUSED as people. We have been discounted and demeaned and totally GASLIGHTED to think that we could actually DO something to help our situation/life with our pwBPD. I don't think that we can do anything for them but WE CAN DO things for ourselves. We CAN take good care of ourselves. (check out Singing a New Song on FB and newsong4him.blogspot.com for more of "finding yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". YOU are worth it. <3 )

[charred]

I certainly hope we can recover and get passion/drive back... I am pretty boring at the moment, and that is not me.

I can relate to how you are feeling ((charred)) but I think that it really depends MUCH MORE UPON OURSELVES than finding someone new. I will be ME no matter who I am in relationship with. Even while still living with my uBPDso, in my "BPD nightmare, I call it, I am not feeling "pretty boring or bored" because I realize that I HAVE MYSELF and I AM ENOUGH. Start with what you have, WHO you have and "get your life back". I am doing it and so can you. Healing from a R/S with a pwBPD is really like healing from abuse. We have been so ABUSED as people. We have been discounted and demeaned and totally GASLIGHTED to think that we could actually DO something to help our situation/life with our pwBPD. I don't think that we can do anything for them but WE CAN DO things for ourselves. We CAN take good care of ourselves. (check out Singing a New Song on FB and newsong4him.blogspot.com for more of "finding yourself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again". YOU are worth it! <3 )

Digging in to all this has been depressing, as I would have pointed to being dumped by my pwBPD the first time as the start of all this, and instead it goes way back. I have a mother that is very cold distant (her mother died when she was 5), she has accomplished a lot (raised her two younger sisters, her mother died giving birth to her youngest sister)... she went to school got a degree, married a doctor, had kids, pursued her hobbies, etc... . but she is cold/distant. My dad is a malignant NPD jerk, no  one in my family has anything to do with him anymore (been 14 yrs since we did.)... as a kid I was hyperactive, diagnosed ADHD, and been medicated ever since, and assumed it was an organic problem. Now with mindfulness... I am not anxiety ridden or hyper... and seem to be fearful avoident attachment type... and that was probably the source of the ADHD, as well as anxiety and avoidant behavior... . which to me is far more of a problem, far deeper than just the pwBPD and that r/s.

Yes I am always with me, and I have one strong codependency trait... a bad one, I always looked externally for happiness. Thought if I made good grades, made a lot of money, was smart, had attractive wife, nice house, etc... . that it would make me happy. I planned for deferred gratification... . but life went on and it was like a dog chasing its tail, seemed close but never could get there. Now I quit chasing it and know happiness comes from within... . but I think I am just shell shocked. I am book smart, but lost my family, 1/2 of everything I owned ... . for a disordered woman I allowed to abuse me and trash everything I cared about. I had dreams and sometimes felt beat down before the second go round with the pwBPD, but nothing like I am now.

I have a T and he helped with my anxiety and is helping with the PTSD type symptoms... . but its hard to even express the apathy I am feeling towards everything... . motivation is hard to come bye... . I was always working toward something... and every one of the goals I once had... is gone. I don't want my pwBPD anymore... could have her, she is toxic, the r/s was 90% lie as far as I am concerned. My exwife is moving on, my daughter is doing well, but is becoming a teenager and even when she is with me, she is mostly centered on her friends and doing things she wants to do, her mother is doing most the raising of her. I had a lot of money in the bank... more wouldn't hurt, but it didn't help at all. Worked traveling all the time and consulting for last 15 yrs... with just weekends at home I spent them all with wife/daughter... now I am home more but have no real friends.

So... I am pretty aware of my situation, of the psychology and causes of it, and need some kind of quest to build a fire under me. My self confidence is fine for work... I know what I am doing, but facing the dating world after all these relationship train wrecks... . daunting.

I don't even like posting about all this... or seeing a T, I feel like I am btching and complaining when I have it better than a lot of people I know.

[tuum est61]

That's a good question and one that speaks to our deepest fears of "losing ourselves" in a BPD relationship. I would answer it as as long as you maintain/regain the "you" that got you into the relationship, the more likely that we will come through this BPD relationship wiser if not a bit "pruned" by the damage.

charred,

real lady's comment here raises something that not all of us "nons" are generally aware of.   Things I think you are aware of in yourself. 

Yes, we like to think we were these perfectly adjusted emotionally stable creatures before we met our pwBPD, but try to be honest about that.  Is that true?  Now that I've looked at my situation, I have been a highly co-dependent person for a long long time - likely driven there by an extremely overbearing father. 

As I look back, I can see I maintained that codependency through my first marriage of 14 years, my second relationship of 5 years, and into my marriage to my uBPDw of 7 years.  It was my W's BPD and finding this site that turned me around. (The hidden "silver lining" of BPD)

So I guess my point is  - While I agree with real lady that it is important to "be ME no matter who I am in relationship with," you need to make sure the ME is the one you want to live with.  Make sure that you've put the appropriate amount of focus on the changes YOU need to make to change yourself.

Then charred, I think you will be a real "catch" as you begin dating again - especially when the "passion" comes back not because it is part of pleasing others, but rather in pleasing yourself. 

[charred]

That's a good question and one that speaks to our deepest fears of "losing ourselves" in a BPD relationship. I would answer it as as long as you maintain/regain the "you" that got you into the relationship, the more likely that we will come through this BPD relationship wiser if not a bit "pruned" by the damage.

charred,

real lady's comment here raises something that not all of us "nons" are generally aware of.   Things I think you are aware of in yourself.  

Yes, we like to think we were these perfectly adjusted emotionally stable creatures before we met our pwBPD, but try to be honest about that.  Is that true?  Now that I've looked at my situation, I have been a highly co-dependent person for a long long time - likely driven there by an extremely overbearing father.  

As I look back, I can see I maintained that codependency through my first marriage of 14 years, my second relationship of 5 years, and into my marriage to my uBPDw of 7 years.  It was my W's BPD and finding this site that turned me around. (The hidden "silver lining" of BPD)

So I guess my point is  - While I agree with real lady that it is important to "be ME no matter who I am in relationship with," you need to make sure the ME is the one you want to live with.  Make sure that you've put the appropriate amount of focus on the changes YOU need to make to change yourself.

Then charred, I think you will be a real "catch" as you begin dating again - especially when the "passion" comes back not because it is part of pleasing others, but rather in pleasing yourself.  

I agree completely and this is one of the depressing aspects of this experience. I used to be able to kind of compartmentalize the issues I had to the r/s with the pwBPD. However after seeing a T, and taking tests and being honest about it, I have always had problems, one of which is normally being stoic about problems. On these boards I have tried to discuss my feelings and talk on things, that in person I never do. I grew up with a nasty malignant NPD father, who was hypercritical, and basically mean. My mother was cold/distant, and I was an anxious mess from the time I was a little kid.

The codependent traits go back quite a ways, for a long time I insisted on getting what I wanted even to the exclusion of others, but over time my wife, then kid, then about anyone but me took priority... now I am finally dealing with a lifetime of not dealing with my interpersonal issues.

My exwife said that at least one good thing has come out of all this, and that is that I am finally addressing my issues and getting help and not just quietly denying there is any problem.

I read "A General Theory of Love"... its a good book, bit of a bummer... as it explains why we pick the people we do to love... and it is simple, we grow up with a model of what love is that comes from our early experiences of love... and then look for that.  So if you come from a healthy positive family... you look for healthy positive people to be in your life. If you come from a family with lots of PD in it... . well, you will tend to be drawn to someone at your own level of dsyfunction... . and in my experience that is what happens. So when you are casting stones about how the pwBPD was so messed up... chances are you are far from issue free yourself.

I don't end up with a PD diagnosis, I think my ADHD one is really from anxiety from my early attachment... . but I did do the schema tests, and it was very revealing. The one I did had 14 schema types (think of it as ways you deal with things... one is happy adult, the other 13 are various ways of being maladjusted a bit... well I was more than 2 std deviations off of normal on 6 of the types... which in reading up exactly nailed things I do that are not what I should be doing... . not really crazy... but things that make me irritating, and unhappy and at times are childish reactions to things, rather than healthy happy adult reactions.)

My suspicion is that the theory of love book is right, and we are as much the problem as our pwBPD... . takes two to tangle.