Did I make a parenting mistake?

[Allotrion]

Hello everyone, as the thread title says, i'm second guessing myself for a choice I made last night. 

I have a uBPDw and a dSD14 with Depressive Disorder but the more I learn about BPD the more traits I see in her that point to BPD.  She spent a couple of weeks earlier this year in an in-patient program and some time out patient.  She has made great strides since that time and has been able to regulate her emotions much better using some of the DBT skills she was taught.  She still has her ups and downs but no extremes. 

So last night was a VERY intense night because the trigger that sent my SD14 spiraling into depression and self-injuring reared its ugly head and resulted in us spending 2-3 hours at the police station putting in a criminal complaint.  Long story short, she sent out inappropriate pictures 2-3 yrs ago and now they are circulating again. 

When we told her that we needed to involve the authorities this time around to stop the bleeding she was understandably nervous, anxious and embarrassed of going to the police with this.  She had a brief moment of irrational thinking and projecting all of her fears towards me as anger, but to her credit, she averted a complete meltdown and begrudgingly accompanied us to the precinct.  I told her right away how proud of her I was that she was able to compose herself enough to speak with me calmly (all the while uBPD mom is having her own slight meltdown and coming across as angry towards SD14). 

Anyway, we got through the precinct experience as well as could be expected and when we returned home we got through another intensely emotional moment between uBPDw and SD14.  I proceeded to speak 1 on 1 with SD14 and for the first time, openly communicated to her that I believe that uBPDw has a hard time regulating her emotions much like SD14.  I may have even said the word “disorder” but definitely not “BPD”.  I didn’t want to get very specific.  She told me that she thought the same thing and that she had made a similar comment a few days ago in regards to d8.  D8 had just had a mini meltdown and sd14 said something in line with “I guess d8 shares moms genetics just like I do”.  Implying that uBPDw, sd14 and d8 all had difficulties regulating their emotions.

So was I wrong in sharing my beliefs with sd14?  I even told her NOT to tell mom or use it in the heat of an argument because mom would not take kindly to being labeled like that.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[motherof1yearold]

I wouldn't say anything like that again, simply because BPD's will pit people against each other.

[Allotrion]

Thanks for the response motherof1yearold.  That was, and is, my fear.  At the moment it seemed the right decision and it brought about this... . bonding moment... . I don't know how best to describe it.  She was so calm and able to interact with the whole family and joke around after a very intense night.

I hope this doesn't come back to haunt me... .  

[motherof1yearold]

That's the thing, unfortunately because BPD ways of thinking she sees that as a future weapon to use whenever she may "need it " aka choose to. It could turn into a nasty predicament but I do hope it doesn't ! BPD's have been known to "turn" on people, any private information is a weapon, a secret is a weapon whenever they so choose.

[twojaybirds]

Allt.

Dont beat yourself up though.  This is all one HUGE learning process.  We will make mistakes, reflect on them then move forward.

[Allotrion]

Thank you mo1yo and tjb for your responses. 

Twojaybirds, you are so right in that it is a HUGE learning process.  And I feel as if I'm alone in this battle since I have to be soo careful with my words when dealing with uBPDw.  That's why this forum has been absolutely invaluable so far.  There is so much information and support here it's unbelievable.

I have learned so much in the short time i've been lurking about. On the recommendations I received from the New Members thread, I started taking care of myself.  I reached out to one of my best friends and had a boys night out.  I opened up to him about uBPDw and some of the crap I've had to deal with, some of the stuff he knew (rage), some was new to him (physical abuse).  Several years ago he was an unwilling bystander during one of her rages that concluded with me locking myself in the bathroom while she tried her best to break it down.  Anyway, that's a story for another time.

What surprised me about our talk was that after listening intently throughout my monologue he told me that his long time gf has exhibited BPD traits in the past but he was able to set boundaries long ago.  It has worked for him so it gives me some hope that eventually I'll be able to do the same.  But i've dug myself a very deep hole over the years. 

Thanks again for all the support.  I'm so glad I found this site.

Allotrion


Thanks again.

[motherof1yearold]

It's definitely hard, and it seems as if you have double the pain with possibly 2 BPDs in your home. I invite you to post on the "Staying" board (for your wife) and continue posting on this one about your daughter.

Here is the link to the staying board : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

PS interesting you mentioned you hiding to the bathroom and her proceeding to bust the door down. That has happened to me, atleast multiple times, with UBPDH. Hmmm!

[mamachelle]

I proceeded to speak 1 on 1 with SD14 and for the first time, openly communicated to her that I believe that uBPDw has a hard time regulating her emotions much like SD14.  I may have even said the word “disorder” but definitely not “BPD”.  I didn’t want to get very specific.  She told me that she thought the same thing and that she had made a similar comment a few days ago in regards to d8.  D8 had just had a mini meltdown and sd14 said something in line with “I guess d8 shares moms genetics just like I do”.  Implying that uBPDw, sd14 and d8 all had difficulties regulating their emotions.

So was I wrong in sharing my beliefs with sd14?  I even told her NOT to tell mom or use it in the heat of an argument because mom would not take kindly to being labeled like that.

Hi Allotroin,

I wouldn't worry. People w/ BPD are often very self centered and easily distracted. At this point, your W and her D are mature enough to recognize they have some emotional issues.

I think if it ever comes up you could just say it as if it is a given,

"of course you both are very sensitive. you know this... . and how is the weather going to be tomorrow?"

motherof1yearold is right in saying that any kind of sharing of insights into mom should not be a regular thing coming from you but it is fine if it comes from your SD and you listen.

There is a great book,

"I don't have to make everything all better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg

that helps with learning how to validate all 3 of the emotional dysregulated ladies in your life. You really have your hands full and you will need as much support as possible.

Here is another book to purchase ASAP... .

Parenting a Child with Intense emotions-- Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills... . Pat Harvey ACSW LCSW-C (Author), Jeanine Penzo LICSW.

This will help with both kiddos and also can help you and your W learn how to be better parents with your Ds.

Best,

mamachelle

[Allotrion]

Thank you for your point of view mamachelle.  I think you hit the nail on the head.  It's becoming a known issue at home as we all learn about depression/BPD/whatever else they have (and whatever else I have as a result cause i'm sure i have my issues as well at this point).  But I still find myself tiptoeing around the subject.  And probably will continue tiptoeing around. 

But there's a conversation that will happen in the near future between my W and I.  I'm currently reading Randi Kreger's The Essential Family Guide To Borderline Personality Disorder on my Kindle and I know my W has seen me reading it.  She borrows my Kindle on occasion and there's no way of missing the cover of the book.  She hasn't really brought it up yet but I'm sure it's coming.

Thank you for the book recommendations.  I will look into those once I finish the current one.

[mamachelle]

Hey allotrion,

I was reading all 3 simultaneously a couple years ago... .



mamachelle

[Allotrion]

PS interesting you mentioned you hiding to the bathroom and her proceeding to bust the door down. That has happened to me, atleast multiple times, with UBPDH. Hmmm!

motherof1yearold, i'm sorry it's happened to you multiple times.  Once was enough for me.  I've been through different variations of it though.  Twice... . no, three times, I've walked out of the house because it was so bad.  First time I just sat in my car for a couple of hours, the next time I made it to a hotel but she called me right as I was about to check in and convinced me to come back home, the third time I stayed the night at a hotel.  She called in tears asking me to return but I held my ground and came back the next day.


mamachelle, kudos for being able to juggle three books at once.  Not sure I could manage it.  One reason being, the W doesn't have the attention span to read a book and if i'm in the room with her while I'm reading, she doesn't really count that as "quality time" with her because I'm not actively speaking with her. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders