Circling the Drain (post breakup)

[BPDizzy]

We're broken up, limited contact, the relationship was a disaster, but now I feel like I'm "circling the drain" . . . or so to speak.  No passion, no drive, nothing to look forward to, the blues. 

I miss her, but have gone beyond the point of no return (returning to her that is).  And now that I have pretty much accepted the split and have realized that going back would be tantamount to pure self-punishment, is it common for me to feel like this? 

[charred]

BPDizzy,

I think it is the normal reaction. The r/s with a pwBPD is intense, in my opinion what happens is someone that didn't have the unconditional love that an ideal parent would give... meets a person with BPD and during that idealization phase... feels like they finally got the unconditional love... and then the relationship proceeds like it was a primary relationship. In other words you give them the position in your caring of a parent. Problem is the idealization is a phase and that phase ends, then the clingy phase comes and it just seems odd, why would they think you would leave them... . then the hating... . which can result in them abruptly dumping you or endless fighting and strife.

So why would have no passion, no drive, nothing to look forward to, and a case of the blues? Its exactly (emotionally) like losing a parent. Its devastating, you feel like a part of you died, its a big loss, one you don't just shake off. What seems to make it worse is that if you have dated a number of people... you have had prior breakups and they were unpleasant, but nothing like the disaster that was the r/s with the pwBPD.

I am in the same place you are, and have been there before, as my pwBPD and I ended it middle of last year... . for the second big time (first time was 27 yrs ago when I was in college and we had dated and she dumped me out of the blue.)  Even after all that time when she came back in to my life the feelings were still there... . just like a parent... and unlike everyone else I ever dated.

The advice I have seen on getting over a breakup doesn't seem to be up to the job (make yourself look nice, force yourself to go out, exercise, have friends set you up with people.) That is all good for a normal breakup, but too little for the depression/devastation that can get you when a r/s with a pwBPD ends poorly. Since it is like loosing a parent, the advice for dealing with that type of loss is closer to the mark. Have your support network nearby (family to lean on)... see a therapist, or even a Psychiatrist, look in to mindfulness to help with the ruminating thoughts and anxiety. Post and seek feedback on here.

Long answer... . sorry about that, I tend to get long winded... . short answer is yes, its normal to feel like that.

[BPDizzy]

Hey Charred,  thank you for responding.

I agree with your point on the unconditional love and this being like losing a parent . . . I do miss her . . .

but i wonder if this is also battle fatigue (there was lots of trauma, drama, chaos, fighting, etc.) or the sudden loss of the chaos and craziness where I may be going through something of a withdrawal since I had gotten so accustomed to it . . . or am I having a tough time adjusting to the sudden peace?

I also wonder if I am an adrenaline junkie since I was a willing participant in the chaos for such a long time.

[charred]

Hey Charred,  thank you for responding.

I agree with your point on the unconditional love and this being like losing a parent . . . I do miss her . . .

but i wonder if this is also battle fatigue (there was lots of trauma, drama, chaos, fighting, etc.) or the sudden loss of the chaos and craziness where I may be going through something of a withdrawal since I had gotten so accustomed to it . . . or am I having a tough time adjusting to the sudden peace?

I also wonder if I am an adrenaline junkie since I was a willing participant in the chaos for such a long time.

Good points... . I have always been an adrenaline junkie (raced motocross, did drag boats, fought in competitive martial arts, raced cars, raced horses... etc)... . and the r/s with my pwBPD... was exciting, it was stressful, unpredictable, I felt anxiously alive. She contacted me so much, many times a day, and seemed interested in everything... then the quiet afterword... is so quiet.

I think there is some battle fatigue, and even a touch of PTSD.

For me the sex stopping caused a good deal of withdrawal... I think I may try to substitute sex for love/intimacy, and see sex as proof of love (which it isn't... boy was that driven home by my pwBPD... ) but the calm after the stormy r/s is unsettling.