Getting Unstuck -- grieving and accepting -- making progress

[AnotherPhoenix]

Hello,

Like others, I'm working on issues that got me involved with a BPD person in the first place. For me, that means overcoming a lot of fear-based procrastination. This procrastination leads to low self-esteem, and so on. I find that progress seems to come in big "leaps", followed by gradual backsliding, then another "leap" followed by a lot of backsliding, and so on. It's difficult emotionally, and the backsliding destroys a lot of physical progress (money, etc.). I've been trying to do more emotional processing, but I keep mentallly resisting it.

This afternoon, I pushed myself to start getting more things done each day. That brought up a lot of emotional resistance coursing through me. Yes, I can feel these things happening now! I explored these emotions, trying to figure out what they were about. An image came up in my mind of my body being a hollow husk, drifting down in the ocean, as if all the insides had been blown out by a bomb--the devastation caused by my BPDex. Then, another visual came up of my body starting to be eaten by sharks--what was happening to me now while I'm stuck. So then, I really started probing why I'm stuck. The best I could determine was I wasn't letting go of the past. Of all of the "could haves". I could really feel these emotions going through my body. It was severe. I felt somewhat like I did when my father died and my fantastic pet cat, Muffy died. I cried for several months off and on after each of those.  I imagine somebody watching me might have thought I was being attacked by ants, because I was sitting outside, and then I started really rubbing my arms, legs, head, neck, to self-soothe. After a little bit, I worked on just sitting there, letting the emotions run through, and, as several on this forum have posted, breathing out any rotten/poisonous emotions, and breathing in self-compassion and goodness. It didn't take too long and I started feeling better.

Lesson learned: I need to do my emotional work daily to release these emotions so that I can function and feel better.

Another lesson learned: I'm learning these emotional coping skills!

It was a weird experience.

AnotherPheonix 

[Surnia]

AnotherPhoenix

This is a great experience! 

Radical acceptance for your own inner pictures and the emotions. Self-compassion in daily life, so important! Well done!

[laelle]

It is absolutely ok to take your path in leaps or in baby steps.  There is no judgment.  Be good to yourself.     

Enjoy every minute of suffering, happiness, sadness, anger, love etc... .   they are what binds us all to each other, they help us learn. They are what makes us human.

They are a gift.   

[AnotherPhoenix]

Thank you, Surnia and laelle,

I appreciate your words!

I might try to embellish that picture of myself as a burnt out shell, into a still gloomy (because that is how I feel about what is left) image, but with more potential (because that also is how I feel). Perhaps an image of a still living person with his insides blown out. And now I'm putting the stuff back in.

I didn't do any of the emotion processing work yesterday, but that is my first order of business today. I have a lot of pain, hurts, wish-I-could'ves, anxiety to address.

It is absolutely ok to take your path in leaps or in baby steps.  There is no judgment.  Be good to yourself.     

Thank you for the reminder.

Enjoy every minute of suffering, happiness, sadness, anger, love etc... .   they are what binds us all to each other, they help us learn. They are what makes us human. They are a gift.

I am learning this.  I'm getting it. I've learned to appreciate that these are all part of the great thing called life and being human. I'm learning to embrace the "dark side" of life. This is all part of living, and, as you state, what makes us human and a gift.

My biggest progress in the last few months has been on self-acceptance and self-love, particularly regarding my "bad" side, which I don't think is so bad. I think the best way to describe my progress might be with the term "self-appreciation" -- including appreciating my "bad" side.

AnotherPheonix   

[laelle]

I dont believe there is a good side or bad side of life that can be separated.  There is just life.  Sometimes you bring flowers to your life and sometimes you bring a big pile of poo, but its still Life.  Your life.

As said by a very smart person in a post the other day, When you are in a normal relationship, the other person can empathize with you and overlook your issues as you overlook theirs.  Its part of loving.  In a BPD relationship they are unforgiving and will embellish and twist your issues, but they are usually right in some way.  

Take from that in a healthy perspective (loving you) mind set and let their ugly hatred be a chance for you to grow. They have no right to be your prosecutor, judge and executor, but at the very least you could say you took something good out of the relationship.

Mine told me I needed to get off my ass and quit playing video games.

Well, ok, he is right.  Not quite accurate, but accurate enough where I am addressing the issue.  He is the one who I played video games with, and now he is gone.

I have the time to do the things I want to do, and need to do to be a healthy person.  Now that he is gone, problem is solving itself.

Love yourself... . pat yourself on the back.  tell yourself that you love you and will always be there to take care of you.  You are your best friend.

[Cumulus]

Hi AP, the empty shell analogy evokes understanding in my life as well. I like the idea of filling it up with what and who you choose to be. It is likely why many if us are here. Trying to become more self aware and compassionate to our own selves. It is a difficult task when we have become so emptied from giving to others. I believe it encompasses body, mind and spirit. The body is easy, eat right, exercise and a little pampering now and again. The mind, not as easy but working on it. Meditation, CBT, reading, posting, visiting friends and family and trying to be more open with them. It is when I get to replenishing the spirit that I find a void that I just don't know how to fill. I am a spiritual person, with deep beliefs and love for my God, yet I am so empty. And I don't know what that part of my life should even be filled with. How does anyone fill their spiritual needs. Do we need to do it ourselves or is this something we are unable to do by self will. Is it a relationship only between ourselves and our God or can there be a spiritual connection to another person who we can share our lives with.

[AnotherPhoenix]

 

Thank you, everybody for your support.   I'm working my way through this. It is hard for me. It goes against a part of me that is very deeply rooted.

I'm learning, though. And working on it.

It's hard do this on a daily basis. Not because I "logically" don't think it will work, but because I don't want to lose these emotions and behaviors that are trying to protect me (but are sabotaging me). Or, it may be that my subconscious doesn't want to admit to all of the wrong choices that I made.  Also, doing this type of work goes against what I was taught growing up. "Just be tough". "Just do it".

Telling myself these things (just be tough, just do it) used to help. But not after the craziness with my ex. I did those things, and what did it get me? Essentially back in the craziness of my FOO! Back in hell!

I have learned that I do and feel best if I eliminate any of the voices in my head with a "mean" or critical sound to them and replace them with kinder thoughts that still lead to change and doing things that are good for me.

I have learned so much about my emotional self! And about taking care of myself, not just physically, but emotionally.

I am rebuilding. I now have some hope where before I had almost none. The amazing thing is that when I had almost no hope, there was something in my mind hanging onto and protecting my emotional self. Fiercely. It was the fierce part of myself hanging on. It's bursting to finish coming out, and not to be aggressive, but to be expressed in an assertive a passionate what. Yes, that's what's coming out more and more--my passion. (I think-I'm writing as these thoughts are coming to me).

Happy Easter!

AnotherPheonix   

[Maryiscontrary]

You have made some really great breakthroughs, keep up the good work!

[AnotherPhoenix]

You have made some really great breakthroughs, keep up the good work!

Thank you, Maryiscontrary (I love this nickname!),

It's hard to do the work. I think it is because it means letting go of things, the uncomfortable and unfamiliar feelings that come up doing the work and change. I'm heading into unfamiliar territory. It has promise, but I haven't experienced it yet. I have to go on faith (one of my problems is trusting in the world and people). Basically, I have an "inner protector" in my mind that believes the world is unfriendly, unsafe, dangerous, etc., and tries to protect me from getting hurt by in it. By methods that worked when I was growing up and sort-of-worked when I was married to my ex, but aren't valid anymore. 

AnotherPheonix   

[AnotherPhoenix]

   Still working on it. Still making slow progress.

I realize that I have a lot of anxiety that is holding me back from the change. I've been inconsistent with doing my emotional exploration, self-compassion, self-soothing, self-care work. Mostly because I'm trying to do all kinds of things to escape. (My primary old coping pattern that I'm trying to change). Yes, I "escaping" by posting, but I think posting is also part of what I need to do to change by talking to others about it.

AnotherPheonix   

[seeking balance]

Lesson learned: I need to do my emotional work daily to release these emotions so that I can function and feel better.

Daily - living in the moment daily is such a powerful experience.

Whether it is feel our feelings in the moment (good & hard ones) or the little things like take the time to go for a walk, gratitude list... .   something to fill our spirit... .   these daily practices accumulate exponentially.

Healthy and happy people tend to live in the daily moment and have a daily practice of gratitude.  I recently heard the definition - emotion is energy in motion... .   it resonates with me.  Letting the energy work through rather than block it, wow, what a way to live.

Good work AP!

[Finished]

Great job so far ... .   Best of luck to you ... .  

Don't push it ... .   I tried that also and it truly doesn't work ... .   Time, attention to details, taking care of ourselves and learning from the experience are the best ways to grieve, accept and move on ... .  

It's been 19 months for me and I'm finally at the moving on stage ... .   not for my ex I moved on from him quickly ... .   but from my own issues and guilt ... .   And I'm fairly certain I still have a lot of work to do ... .  

It get's easier and easier with time

Congrats 

[AnotherPhoenix]

Thank you for the feedback, SeekingBalance and Finished.

Gratitude. I've been thinking I need to start doing that more frequently. I've done it very occaisionally (sp?), but not regularly. My mind has started to nag at me that it writing down some kind of gratitude list would be good for me. It's amazing how much more I feel and hear emotions than I used to.

Living in the moment: I experience this much more now each day, even though it still only happens a little each time. But I do notice it. One day I was taking a walk when the sun was rising, and it seemed saw it with better clarity than before. It may sound weird, but it felt like I was experiencing the sunrise with my emotions (how beautiful) as well as my eyes. I have moments of experiencing my current anxiety too. It just pops up sometimes. I can sometimes tell what that emotion pops up now.

Thank you for the reinforcement about doing this stuff daily, SeekingBalance. My family never did anything like this (they'd probably put it down). Their practice was to avoid or confine emotions as much as possible. So, it is good to get reinforcement.

It's been 19 months for me and I'm finally at the moving on stage ... .   not for my ex I moved on from him quickly ... .   but from my own issues and guilt ... .   And I'm fairly certain I still have a lot of work to do ... .  

That's me. I didn't feel the guilt, but getting into and working on my own issues has been the hardest part by far.

Great job so far ... .   Best of luck to you ... .  

Thank you.

Don't push it ... .   I tried that also and it truly doesn't work ... .   Time, attention to details, taking care of ourselves and learning from the experience are the best ways to grieve, accept and move on ... .  

Argh! I feel that I could benefit so much by getting the change accomplished faster. But... .   so far, pushing it doesn't get me very far! You mention attention to details and taking care of ourselves... .   perhaps that and doing this stuff daily is how I can get through to the other side faster.

Thank you again for the support and feedback.

AnotherPheonix   

[AnotherPhoenix]

Great job so far ... .   Best of luck to you ... .  

Don't push it ... .   I tried that also and it truly doesn't work ... .   Time, attention to details, taking care of ourselves and learning from the experience are the best ways to grieve, accept and move on ... .  

It's been 19 months for me and I'm finally at the moving on stage ... .   not for my ex I moved on from him quickly ... .   but from my own issues and guilt ... .   And I'm fairly certain I still have a lot of work to do ... .  

It get's easier and easier with time

Congrats 

Finished: what did you mean by attention to details?

AnotherPheonix 

[Finished]

Great job so far ... .   Best of luck to you ... .  

Don't push it ... .   I tried that also and it truly doesn't work ... .   Time, attention to details, taking care of ourselves and learning from the experience are the best ways to grieve, accept and move on ... .  

It's been 19 months for me and I'm finally at the moving on stage ... .   not for my ex I moved on from him quickly ... .   but from my own issues and guilt ... .   And I'm fairly certain I still have a lot of work to do ... .  

It get's easier and easier with time

Congrats 

Finished: what did you mean by attention to details?

AnotherPheonix 

What I mean is that we get so used to things that sometimes we don't question them. They become normal for us. I believe this is normal for all humans. But because it's normal for us, doesn't mean is productive, healthy or even desirable.

It's easy to see a behavior and identify it as something we don't want.

It's harder to identify our own behaviors -- especially longstanding behaviors. These are the details of our lives --- Our behaviors, self-talk, self-view, self-worth, goals, beliefs, speech patterns, the way we organize things, how we interact with others, what we believe about ourselves vs how we really are, etc ... .   These are the details.

I found that just because it's "normal" doesn't mean it's something I want. In the four years I was with my ex many things became normal. I didn't see it clearly then but I do now. I started comparing how I was prior to the relationship (liked myself a bunch then) to how I am now and then looked for the catalysts for change that occurred in those four years. What prompted the changes I see today?

It's the catalysts that I am dealing with now - not the relationship. What happened that caused me to change? Why did it affect me like it did?

Eventually I stumbled on the major thing that allowed my ex to get his hooks in me. The event that changed how I see myself. From there, my therapist and I are starting to analyze how and why I changed as a result of the event (in my case getting a life threatening illness while with my ex).

It took a while for me to even realize that it was this one thing that undermined me and opened the door for everything else. However, up until I started looking at the details I truly thought the changes where a direct result of my ex's abuse.

Did his abuse hurt me? Yes

But if anyone prior to this relationship had ever treated me like that I would have removed them so fast they would have thought they were at a Nascar race.

That's when I started looking at the details in ... .   well ... .   detail. LOL

The thing is I never would have thought getting sick could have had this impact on my life. Logically I had processed the situation. I gathered data, saw doctors ... .   did all the "logical" stuff to deal with the situation. Not one time did I ever address the emotional toll it took on me. The emotions associated with everything left me wide open to his games and abuse.

Do I have to deal with the aftermath of the relationship? Unfortunately yes ... .   However, I don't focus on my ex in this anylonger. He has just become part of my history. The real issue is how my view of my self changed.

Their abuse is so blatant and obvious that it's easy to focus on them. However, if we look closely at the details. Let things process over time and pay attention. We can see what and where we got tripped up.

For me, another part of paying attention to the details is paying attention to what is going on inside me now. I got in the habit during those four years of not paying attention to my innerself because honestly I was freaking out and thought I would die. I was in emotional denial of how I felt and it became pervasive allowing for me to accept things I shouldn't have. It has become a habit or it's "normal" for me to ignore my inner voice.

I'm having to relearn to listen to myself again. The more I learn to listen to myself and see myself clearly the stronger I become. The stronger I become the less likely that I'll ever fall into this trap again.

Sorry if this has been long. When I put down "pay attention to the details" I should have been more specific as, for me, it's a pretty big topic to address. The sad thing is, prior to this relationship and getting sick (which happened at the same time and got all mixed up together) I never would have found myself in this position. Unfortunately, I spent about 18 months focusing on the damage from the relationship and never seemed to get anywhere. I couldn't understand why I wasn't moving forward. Then I started focusing on what changed and it's amazing how quickly the pieces are coming together.