Pushing them away

[me757]

Since I told my exBPDgf that I was done being used as a placeholder when her bf wasn't around, she has started to re-engage me more. Before it was me trying to talk to her but now that I've walked away and stopped talking the tables have turned. It makes it difficult to break away... especially how a lot of us are addicted to the idealization phase. Maybe it freaks her out that she doesn't have a back up. She's been dating this guy for 3-4 months... we lasted 5 so I imagine they aren't in the idealization phase anymore and she's worried. Anyone have a similar situation?

[wanttoknowmore]

Yes. I am in somewhat similar situation but I dont know if she has a replacement yet. We arein no contact mode for few weeks with occasional text arguments and screaming from her side. My heart says I love her and I should help her understand her disease and motivate her to seek help but my head says keep absolute no contact,she is very toxic to my wellbeing. I go through phases daily when heart or head dominate my plan and alternate. Overall, I feel like I am getting stronger and stronger and at times, I even feel that break up was a blessing to enable me to see what the reality of this r/s is. I still worry what would happen to me if she tries to contact me? Will I cave or will I be able to stay strong? I dont know.

[laelle]

Maybe it would help if you took you out of the situation and replaced you with a dear friend.  What would you advise your friend to do?

[mitchell16]

I can only tell you from my case with my exBPDgf. I thinks it all about control with them. Mine would push me away every 6 to 8 weeks. I would call, try to figure out what i did wrong and fix any of her percieved things that I wasnt doing and she would be very cold, wouldnt take my calls. The one time I stood up and told her that i was through and i was moving on and I didnt want to talk to her anymore. She started asking me to just talk to her and I told her I was done dont call me anymore. She asked me if I was going to start dating and I told her I was and she could date who she wanted but dont call me anymore. She blew my phone  for days, all hours of the day and night. drove to my house in middle of the night and made all kinds of promises. threating sucicide. But i caved in and with in 2 months all promises where forgotten, same behavior all over again. So in my opinion its all about them controlling and calling the shots. But trust me any promises made will be broken and not kept.

[LetItBe]

i caved in and with in 2 months all promises where forgotten, same behavior all over again.

Yes, me757, this sounds like typical BPD push-pull behavior, abandonment/engulfment fears.

And mitchell16, I, too, caved in after 6 1/2 months NC on my end.  He'd reached out a few times, I found myself in a vulnerable place and missing him, I responded finally, and I believed he was different.  He had all of this self-awareness, removing any blame from me, and we seemed to have what it would take to try again.  I believe he had good intentions in the beginning, but as soon as I -- very gently, kindly, using DEARMAN, validation, etc. -- expressed a need, he agreed to accommodate that need, then dysregulated and hasn't been the same since.  Yesterday, he made it very clear that he isn't going to honor our agreement.  Now, it seems the same behavior is happening again that led to our breakup.  He seemed to want me more when he couldn't have me.

Yes, the idealization phase is addictive for sure.  It felt amazing for a few weeks or so.  Then, the pendulum swung just as far in the opposite direction.  Now, I'm seriously questioning why I gave him another chance.  You can read countless, similar accounts here on the boards.