Get thee to therapy

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After a particularly tough conflict go-round earlier this week, I finally told my wife that therapy was a requirement. To her credit, she (extremely begrudgingly) agreed to go. Granted, she wants to focus it "just on our communication problems", but hey, that's a HUGE step forward. Assuming she actually ends up going.

I talked to my own therapist about getting a few referrals and she suggested that I need to talk to a BPD specialist.

Here's my question and general concern: How do I find a few recommendations and involve my wife in the selection of one to go to (important step in the process will be her inclusion in making the choice) without giving away that I believe my wife has BPD? Most of the therapist's Web sites don't specifically say "BPD", but they talk a lot about the issues associated with it. I'm worried that:

a) there's enough breadcrumbs to BPD on these web sites that I end up spilling the beans about my believe of a BPD diagnosis

b) we don't end up at a therapist that actually knows how to work with BPD people

Anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? I don't want a golden opportunity to blow up in a disaster!

Thanks!

Jake

[coasterhusband]

After a particularly tough conflict go-round earlier this week, I finally told my wife that therapy was a requirement. To her credit, she (extremely begrudgingly) agreed to go. Granted, she wants to focus it "just on our communication problems", but hey, that's a HUGE step forward. Assuming she actually ends up going.

I talked to my own therapist about getting a few referrals and she suggested that I need to talk to a BPD specialist.

Here's my question and general concern: How do I find a few recommendations and involve my wife in the selection of one to go to (important step in the process will be her inclusion in making the choice) without giving away that I believe my wife has BPD? Most of the therapist's Web sites don't specifically say "BPD", but they talk a lot about the issues associated with it. I'm worried that:

a) there's enough breadcrumbs to BPD on these web sites that I end up spilling the beans about my believe of a BPD diagnosis

b) we don't end up at a therapist that actually knows how to work with BPD people

Anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? I don't want a golden opportunity to blow up in a disaster!

Thanks!

Jake

[GreenMango]

Good question.  Could doing the legwork on the Therapists and providing a list of people to her be a possibility without BPD references be a possibility?   All you really ahve to say is this one has been practicing this long, does couples therapy, uses these techniques.  Many therapists have training in multiple areas Cbt, dbt, etc.  Just make sure they all have some BPD affective training like dbt or schema.  No need to talk about PDs or anything.  Dbt can be utilized for more than BPD.

Ya gotta be the lead here.  Also read up on what to expect from couples counseling or post a thread on staying about it-its good to go into with a realistic perspective

[coasterhusband]

Also read up on what to expect from couples counseling or post a thread on staying about it-its good to go into with a realistic perspective

Any links you can share? I've not seen any of that type

Of discussion.

Thanks!

[coasterhusband]

Good question.  Could doing the legwork on the Therapists and providing a list of people to her be a possibility without BPD references be a possibility?   All you really ahve to say is this one has been practicing this long, does couples therapy, uses these techniques.  Many therapists have training in multiple areas Cbt, dbt, etc.  Just make sure they all have some BPD affective training like dbt or schema.  No need to talk about PDs or anything.  Dbt can be utilized for more than BPD.

Ya gotta be the lead here.  Also read up on what to expect from couples counseling or post a thread on staying about it-its good to go into with a realistic perspective

Thanks for the response. Yes, I'm leading and happy to do so. I just fear that this creates a huge backfire of a disaster if I mention the names only, for instance, and she googles their names and starts reading about them and DBT, etc. and then realizes this is more than just "marriage counseling". Most T have Web sites that specifically call out their backgrounds and approaches, and while they don't flat out say "I specialize in BPD", it's not that far away if you google terms they list on their Web sites.

Anyway, any other perspectives and suggestions are greatly welcomed!

[GreenMango]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=117485.0

Those therapist descriptions are going to be extensive   and if they are any good at what they do they are going to know not to come straight out and tell prospective clients that their patients have a PD. 

You gotta vet the prospects.  Another possibility is to take some of the responsibility on yourself by saying you feel you need to help learning some relationship skills - wouldn't be a total lie it takes a particular set of skills to be in a relationship like this.  Most of us needed to learn them.

[coasterhusband]

Would y'all suggest that I call around, find 2 or 3 good matches, give those Ts some background then show the options to my uBPDw for her to choose from?

[GreenMango]

It's a way to start for sure.  And they will let you know more too about how to approach your wife.

Keep us posted this is good information for others.

[DragoN]

Assuming she actually ends up going.

What if she doesn't? What then? What's the back up plan?

My partner promised counseling, that never seemed to occur. Was , too busy or what have you.