Did you stay 18 months or 15+ years?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I found an interesting opinion of a therapist online about the duration of time spent in a relationship with someone who has BPD.  For some reason, another post here made me think of it.

They said a relationship with someone with BPD either lasts 18 months or 15 years.

A person with boundaries will spend up to a year trying to get back to the idealization phase (assumes six months of that phase).  After that, they give up (6 months idealization +12 months trying to get back = 18 months total).

Someone who doesn't have the same boundaries may stay until the BPD leaves (15 years on average).

I found this quite interesting.

What do you think?

[recoil]

I found an interesting opinion of a therapist online about the duration of time spent in a relationship with someone who has BPD.  For some reason, another post here made me think of it.

They said a relationship with someone with BPD either lasts 18 months or 15 years.

A person with boundaries will spend up to a year trying to get back to the idealization phase (assumes six months of that phase).  After that, they give up (6 months idealization +12 months trying to get back = 18 months total).

Someone who doesn't have the same boundaries may stay until the BPD leaves (15 years on average).

I found this quite interesting.

What do you think?

[rogerroger]

I stayed 15 years. In my case her condition became steadily worse over time. Part of it was worsening substance abuse on her part, but ironically I think another part was the fact that I kept hanging in and trying to help. I saw it as my role to be the strong one, the healthy one, the patient one, not seeing my codependency for what it was.

[Vegasskydiver]

I stayed three years but there were several recycles during that time.  Actual time in active relationship=1.5 years

[mtmc01]

14 months... . idealization ended about 5-6 months in in my case.

[laelle]

In total the relationship lasted 3 years (friend to more than friends), but actually dating, the relationship was about 18 months.  

There were recycles in that 18 months and one or two phases of idealization.  I was however never Juliette to his Romeo again.

[dkman]

12 months. idealization ended after 2-3 months. Recyceled 4 times during theese 12 months. Idealization about 1 month every time.

she was the one to run - Eventually i had to break-up as going on in the relationship would have led to more comprimises with my self. In the end, she gave me no choise. She wouldnt break up because she had done it 3 times before - And would not be seen as the one who couldent break out of the conflict. ( i assume )

12 months is for me clearly enough to see, that i lack in keeping my boundaries and self-respect - If i had been holding them up, and if she wasn't able to cross them. It may-be could have lasted. I dont know if i shuld thank the higher powers for that. Anyways, i loved her and her personality - and i could see a future.

[Lovingwife315]

Together in total... . 18 years...

 

First round was about 12 months, then a 2 month break (BPD left me) then he came back and we were together about a year, in which time I became pregnant and he was with OW by the time I gave birth.

I then left him for over a year and he followed me across contry... . persued me for 6 months... . vigerously, got engaged and stayed married for 12 1/2 years till he left again last fall... .

now in a relationship with another OW

.(our now LC is mainly due to our children who are 19, 15 and 6)   He always seems to know what to say or due to hook me (every 2 weeks or so we have been getting together, and each time I had hope that this time it would recycle... . but now starting to realize how unhealthy it is.

And I wonder if I had the stregnth to go NC would he have come back already.  it is so much harder each time!

[momtara]

I've heard that, too.

I stayed 6 years though. 

[paperlung]

My ex-girlfriend had three 'official' relationships before me. Two of them lasted a year and a half, the other three months. The one that lasted only three months always perplexed me in that he apparently just abandoned ship and was never heard from again. My relationship with her only lasted about a year and a half as well.

[TheDude]

I don't know... . it seems odd to me to try and attach any sort of time frames to anything, not to mention that there seems to be - dare I say - a 'black and white' thinking about this. Either you have boundaries (= 18 months), or you don't (= 15 years). I just don't think it works that way, as there's too many variables and circumstances.

My deal was either 3 or 7 years, depending on how you look at it. Maybe I'm just a rebel. 

[nylonsquid]

The idealization was never void of question marks and signs, I just played along. To that extent, I'm not sure how long the idealization was because it starts as idealization but gradually turns incrementally. This happened twice for around an 'officially' 6 months period. That would make it a year altogether with about 5-6 months separation (her being with someone else). She's a predictable 6 month ticking time bomb.

Also, about boundaries, I usually give the other person to be whatever they wish and don't allow them to control me. I usually accept what they want but never obey or succumb. My understanding was very frustrating to her because I didn't count on apologizing for things she wanted me to. I focused on the issue and what we can do about it. My reason and logic I think was threatening to her and the fact that she felt I'm on to something made her frustrated at me and in turn at herself. She said this actually. The more she gets upset at me the more she felt bad that she's getting upset. It's perpetual.

[TakeFlight]

Interesting theory to add to this!

We all had weak boundaries but the more you fought with you partener (and I mean frequently lash out at them) the stronger your boundaries, the faster the BPD worsens/ your patience declines, the sooner the relationship ends.

Lasted 8 months... .

[mtmc01]

Interesting theory to add to this!

We all had weak boundaries but the more you fought with you partener (and I mean frequently lash out at them) the stronger your boundaries, the faster the BPD worsens/ your patience declines, the sooner the relationship ends.

Lasted 8 months... .

Yeah, there's something to this. At first, I was very patient and understanding with all of her "issues". I could calmly tell her it's alright, no reason to be getting so upset and emotional. "I'm ****ed up", she said, within the first few weeks. Even her sister said when we were engaged within a month, "does he know how ****ed up you are?". Then, I started getting angrier and angrier.

[imstronghere2]

22 years.   Fought like like hell for the first 2.5 until I finally got worn down and like an idiot, I married her.  She spent the entire 19 years of our marriage breaking down the rest of my boundaries until she crossed the only one I had left, which was adultery.  She cheated and I was done.

[expos]

Interesting theory to add to this!

We all had weak boundaries but the more you fought with you partener (and I mean frequently lash out at them) the stronger your boundaries, the faster the BPD worsens/ your patience declines, the sooner the relationship ends.

Lasted 8 months... .

AGREE.  Once I put up walls and starting fight back a little... . it was like she just shut down and devalued me.  My BPD thought highly of her mother who coddled her, but far less of her unaffectionate father who often fought back with her and was a more realistic thinker.  

I often wonder who makes a better life partner... . the one who enables the BPD, or the one who doesn't enable?  

Thoughts?  

[hithere]

3.5 years with 6 months living apart

[TakeFlight]

Interesting theory to add to this!

We all had weak boundaries but the more you fought with you partener (and I mean frequently lash out at them) the stronger your boundaries, the faster the BPD worsens/ your patience declines, the sooner the relationship ends.

Lasted 8 months... .

I often wonder who makes a better life partner... . the one who enables the BPD, or the one who doesn't enable?  

Thoughts?  

i think that depends on how much you the non/enabler is willing to put up with the BPD madness.  The other necessary assumption for this is that the "abusive", or enabling parteners tend not to stick around for long... .

[FreeLizard]

17 months!

[HadEnough?]

... . I am in it for over 30... . Yes, I am a sucker for crying. 

[HadEnough?]

Years that is... . not months.

[imstronghere2]

30 years?  Whoa.   Time to get out and find yourself before it's too late.

[j4c]

i feel pretty small-time but mine only lasted 5 months! Strangely enough it took longer than that to recover from it!

Looking back at the duration of her other relationships i wasnt on my own. In the last 11 years - aside from a 2yr r/s (spent alot of it pregnant) and an 18 monther, shes had at least 14 boyfriends all lasting between 1 & 6 months! And to my knowledge it was her that ended every r/s except for one! (not me)

Would the experts out there class this as a severe case of BPD?  Shes been with this new guy 3 months now and i've already heard there at each others throats. I honestly couldnt ever imagine her lasting with ANYONE for as long as some of the r/s lengths mentioned on this thread!

[free and happy]

I knew I should have left after the first year, 2002. She hurt herself and I felt sorry and tried to help her. Then came the first child and marriage, idealization phase I suppose, 2003. Therapy for 4-5 years and another child, 2008. 10 years later, 2013, I finally filed for divorce and left her. So all in all 12-13 years of this crap. 

[nylonsquid]

Would the experts out there class this as a severe case of BPD?

This is the same girl I dated? Yea, for my pwBPD, the countdown is 5 months or 6 if unlucky. I don't know what classifies as severe but when I think of it, the best way to prolong it is to not question anything, live the illusion of happiness, be successful, be loved by everyone, start building a life, move in, get married etc. This is how I believe my exgf's relationship would prolong but it would never equate to happiness. Her last bf promised her marriage and they were going to move to another far away country speaking a completely foreign language! She bailed.

Free and Happy, as I wrote above, what you did is probably what I would have done if I wanted to stay in it. I remember she told me referring to her crazy that "I was told that if I had kids it would go away".      

[fromheeltoheal]

Thank you.  I heard in your post that those with boundaries wise up and get out quick, others hang around for a while.  It took me a while to wise up, and she did me the favor of making it far too painful to continue, and although I've got my issues, I always felt like the sane one, who would go insane if that kept up.  So thank you.

[bb12]

Wow! - yep, 18 months for me

bb12

[chuckstrong]

18 months exactly on April 7... . First 7-8 were phenominal... . The last 10-11 not so much.

[charred]

I found an interesting opinion of a therapist online about the duration of time spent in a relationship with someone who has BPD.  For some reason, another post here made me think of it.

They said a relationship with someone with BPD either lasts 18 months or 15 years.

A person with boundaries will spend up to a year trying to get back to the idealization phase (assumes six months of that phase).  After that, they give up (6 months idealization +12 months trying to get back = 18 months total).

Someone who doesn't have the same boundaries may stay until the BPD leaves (15 years on average).

I found this quite interesting.

What do you think?

I stupidly did things twice... . first time was 18 months almost to the day, then she abruptly dumped me without explanation... was devastated, she showed up with a neighbor a few weeks later, I moved, giving up my whole life to that point, and starting over.

Then 27 yrs later... she caught me on FB and said she had to tell me the truth of why she left me, got me on the phone and her voice brought back all the feelings I thought were dead... so a few months later I was getting a divorce and entering the hell of a r/s with a pwBPD... I tried very very hard to make it work, we recycled about 7 times, and were on and off over 4 yrs... but the actual together time was about 36 months... and it was from trying twice as hard as anyone should... . as I had pined for her for over a decade and tossed aside a marriage of 20+ yrs... . so, I think theory is reasonably accurate.

[GreenMango]

I noticed a cycle over 5 years.  3 months okay, next 3 the neediness punctuated by paranoia and hostility, next 3 outright hostility and sabotaging, and 3 months crap.  Then back to 3 okay ... . Ad nauseum, ad infinitum for five years.

The breaking point when it was more painful to stay than leave, and the scary realization that this would become my normal and I wouldn't know it wasn't normal anymore.   

I think this stuff goes on as long as you let it.  There's is a pattern that's predictably unpredictable though, and there's also a lot of folklore around personality disorders.

[fromheeltoheal]

I stupidly did things twice... . first time was 18 months almost to the day, then she abruptly dumped me without explanation... was devastated, she showed up with a neighbor a few weeks later, I moved, giving up my whole life to that point, and starting over.

Then 27 yrs later... she caught me on FB and said she had to tell me the truth of why she left me, got me on the phone and her voice brought back all the feelings I thought were dead... so a few months later I was getting a divorce and entering the hell of a r/s with a pwBPD... I tried very very hard to make it work, we recycled about 7 times, and were on and off over 4 yrs... but the actual together time was about 36 months... and it was from trying twice as hard as anyone should... . as I had pined for her for over a decade and tossed aside a marriage of 20+ yrs... . so, I think theory is reasonably accurate.[/quote]
First time for me with her was in 1987, and then 25 years later she found me on Facebook.  Spooky similar.  And also refreshing; it feels absolutely awesome that we don't go through this alone, and there are folks here who can totally relate.