I tried again and it didn't go well

[sunrising]

I was NC with my diagnosed exwBPD for 2 months.  I decided a couple weeks ago that I was able to handle some contact with her, as she had been trying to contact me most of the 2 months.  I didn't have the discipline I thought I did, we wound up communicating more (including about "us", then we wound up getting together this past Saturday for lunch.  One thing lead to another (I don't really care for that saying), and the next thing you know she's at my house Saturday afternoon (wanted to see the dog).  And... .   We wound up spending time together Sunday, Monday, And Tuesday nights.  She spent the night at my house Monday night and last night (Tuesday).  

We tried discussing "us" a few times and she was quite incapable; just going silent and crying.  Finally last night, she was able to have what I would consider a GREAT conversation for her.  She came close to apologizing a couple times.  I was careful to validate her feelings when she started getting emotional.  We went to bed happy.  It was agreed that we weren't getting back together, but that we could continue the discussion.  I was cautiously hopeful she had learned some skills for managing her reactions to emotions in the last 2 months of therapy.

She got up very early this morning to go to work.  When she lived with me, she always used the guest bathroom- her preference.  She did the same this morning.  My office is in the guest bedroom and it occurred to me that my email and web browser was open.   I calmly went in and closed them as I didn't want her to see anything disturbing before work.  My only concern was this site or emails related to it.  She peeked her head out of the bathroom and saw me closing things.  Naturally this caused a "you're hiding things from me" reaction.  I pointed out to her that we are not in a relationship, but that I wanted to tell her something rather than her "finding" it (she has looked at my emails and web history in the past).   She left for work upset.  After a few hours, she texted me that she can't believe I would hide things from her.  I expressed my desire to discuss this in person, planning to tell her about my involvement on a website for people in challenging relationships (this site).  She insisted she'd call me.  I told her about my role as an Ambassador (though I didn't use that term), how this was nothing to do with her but something which has been helpful for me and many others, pointed out the confidential nature of the site, etc.  It didn't work.  She raged.  "You can't diagnose me!", "I don't even have BPD!" (she was diagnosed), "I trusted you with that, I should have never told you!".   Click... .

I immediately went to Verizon's website and blocked her # again.  I haven't felt much pain today.  Almost relief... .   I was curious about her progress, which my T pointed out couldn't possibly be much in just 2 months (T was our couples counselor).  Her reaction today was a clear example of no empathy.  I told her how much this site has helped me and it didn't faze her.  I tried to point out that this is nothing to do with her, but is about me... .   I wanted to think she'd be happy I had found a place where I could feel better.  Nothing close to that... .    Just rage... .

Back to NC (round 3... .   Hope I have the strength this time)... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hithere]

I kept NC about 2 months after I left and then broke it a bunch of times, it was empowering to realize I would not let myself be recycled but I did remain stuck until she started a new relationship.

That is the good thing about NC, if you fail you can always start fresh tomorrow!

good luck

[GreenMango]

Sorry Split - ya know its okay to need support and to reach out to whomever therapists, parents, friends, support groups as you need to. 

There's a lot of shame with a person with BPD.  My ex got very hostile when he found out I talked to my friend about our problems looking for some guidance. 

The isolation in these relationships can be profound if we let it.  Whatever way you go to staying, undecided or leaving know its okay to have support.  We all need it sometimes.

[sunrising]

Thanks, GM!   I'm still here on the leaving board.  I guess I was somewhat undecided a couple days ago, but after experiencing another rage I'm back to leaving. It probably shouldn't have taken me experiencing that, but being reminded of what I'd be in for did have a galvanizing effect on my resolve to move on.   I'm just really glad it happened after only a few days rather than me becoming convinced to actually try a relationship and then the rage comes months later.  I was very guarded with my emotions, so this wasn't extremely painful.