Is it wrong...

[Johan]

Is it wrong just to tell them you know you are being tarnished by them to many people, and your tired of it, and sick of covering their secrets etc, just to say, stop it or just going to tell people.

I feel like the biggest clown, take all this, and feel sorry for her.

Yet if you ever even said you felt sorry for them, they would flip a lid.

I just want to tell people, i told TWO people and i felt guilt, and NONE that know her, out of respect.

[elessar]

I feel guilty, but I tell my friends or people very close to me. I believe talk is therapy, and it makes me feel better. I love her, but I have the right to feel what I feel. I know the descriptions she gives to people when she has split me black.

But if you tell her something is wrong, you better be prepared to be split black. Never have I told her about my hurt feelings without her breaking up with me. That is what she did 9 weeks back too... . and didn't contact me till last week when I finally "apologized" for not understanding her BPD behavior. Mind you - she does not admit there is anything wrong with her. But I was wrong for not understanding her behavior.

I covered ~ load of secrets of hers for years. Now I just let it flow... . it kills me every moment, but I have lost the ability to hold her secrets.

[Johan]

I said to her, please talk to me about it all, I need to talk to someone, I shall break soon,s he said, maybe I need to see a therapist, she thought that for year or two.

I told her I need to talk to you,s he said, we are not a couple, you need a therapist.

Therapist hasn't the answers for me, she left me with the questions.

I did talk to someone and I felt horrible, but it made the difference.

But I'm tired of people thinking I'm some vindictive ~er, people would see me all the time. I can't tell the, but I have such an urge. Especially when I've bent over backwards for her.

Where comes the point you just give up and just tell, or does it ever happen.

[elessar]

I love coming to these boards because there are people who repeat my story word to word.

Every sentence you wrote there has happened to me. I am just speechless with a sad smile on my face

When I had my limit of feeling used and abused... . I didn't care of keeping quiet anymore. Took me years. Took me many years. But everyday now I talk to more and more people... . and tell them everything. Every time I feel like a jackass... . as if I am breaking her trust. But every time I do it, I feel lighter. Every time I do it, people understand I am not crazy and she actually did those things. Every time I do it, the mask she wears in front of others falls apart and those common friends know what she really has done. I feel vindicated.

[charred]

I love coming to these boards because there are people who repeat my story word to word.

Every sentence you wrote there has happened to me. I am just speechless with a sad smile on my face

When I had my limit of feeling used and abused... . I didn't care of keeping quiet anymore. Took me years. Took me many years. But everyday now I talk to more and more people... . and tell them everything. Every time I feel like a jackass... . as if I am breaking her trust. But every time I do it, I feel lighter. Every time I do it, people understand I am not crazy and she actually did those things. Every time I do it, the mask she wears in front of others falls apart and those common friends know what she really has done. I feel vindicated.

I didn't tell anyone what kind of craziness went on in our r/s... for a long long time. We dated 18 months, many years ago, and it just went bad suddenly and she dumped me and I was devastated, didn't understand any of why it happened, assumed it was me. Then 27 yrs later, she contacted me on FB and within a few months I was getting a divorce and thought I had this second chance with my dream girl... and in fact I was in for the nightmare of my life... we recycled about 7 times and now I am without the pwBPD and without my exwife and daughter... and 1/2 my stuff from the divorce.

I went to a T, and read and learned about BPD... and got on these boards and started posting and telling and understanding my story and its helped a great deal. All together i spent about 4 1/2 yrs around my pwBPD... and it was staggeringly abusive... I am getting treatment for PTSD from it. What I did learn was that nothing was ever her fault, that she never apologized or empathized with anyone for anything, and that making it clear she was at fault... meant she was gone and I was painted black instantly... she could unfriend me on FB, and block her mail and phones in less than 3 mins... . timed her... as it kept happening.

A normal person will talk with you... feel free to talk to your pwBPD... and let it accelerate your coming to see the light, and accepting your person for what they are... disordered, and that may be something you can live with or it may not be, but see what you are dealing with objectively.

[elessar]

ouch. that is rough. 27 years! and here I am depressed that she came back to me 4.5 years after leaving me... . to leave me again.

[laelle]

A normal person will talk with you... feel free to talk to your pwBPD... and let it accelerate your coming to see the light, and accepting your person for what they are... disordered, and that may be something you can live with or it may not be, but see what you are dealing with objectively.

This is so true.  With most people you can compromise.  You share your perspective, they share theirs and you come together with an agreement.

Its give and take.  From my experience there is no give and take.  Even if it means cutting off their nose to spite their face. 

Every time we broke up it was because I wanted to talk about a problem I was having with the set up of the relationship.  Wasnt a big deal. It wasnt earth shattering.  It was a moment to listen and compromise.   It was always too much for him.  I would immediately get turned black and dumped on my ass.  10 minutes later I was blocked and removed from every social network in existence.

I wasnt there, but I bet he even held his breath until he turned blue.

[VeryFree]

I didn't talk about the experiences in my marriage. Why not?

First because I think I wanted to protect her from being seen as 'evil'.

Second because I think I felt ashamed about myself.

Third because I became isolated more and more.

Fourth because I think I thought I would manage the problems myself.

Four big mistakes!

1. Protect yourself!

2. Don't be ashamed about yourself!

3. Don't let yourself get isolated!

4. You never can manage problems on your own! We all need support.

After ten years I wish I had trusted others: it would have made the past few months a lot easier. Now the people in my surroundings were stunned and not all ready to support. Talking about the problems earlier, would made things probably easier.

[charred]

A normal person will talk with you... feel free to talk to your pwBPD... and let it accelerate your coming to see the light, and accepting your person for what they are... disordered, and that may be something you can live with or it may not be, but see what you are dealing with objectively.

This is so true.  With most people you can compromise.  You share your perspective, they share theirs and you come together with an agreement.

Its give and take.  From my experience there is no give and take.  Even if it means cutting off their nose to spite their face. 

Every time we broke up it was because I wanted to talk about a problem I was having with the set up of the relationship.  Wasnt a big deal. It wasnt earth shattering.  It was a moment to listen and compromise.   It was always too much for him.  I would immediately get turned black and dumped on my ass.  10 minutes later I was blocked and removed from every social network in existence.

I wasnt there, but I bet he even held his breath until he turned blue.

My exBPDgf... no doubt turned blue many times as well.

She portrayed a normal adult fairly often, held a good job, was well educated, and seemed like a caring person. However it was her way or the highway, and after we had parted company she would miss me, want to be together... and her way would be more ridiculous and it would take less to set her off each time. My mother and sister both thought she was very childish, and seemed phony... . now I know they were right.

A little compromise here and there and I would still be with my exBPDgf... but you are right, there was none, no give, only take. On one of the other discussions someone speculated that both our disordered partner and us have issues... and that most of us have dated other people with issues, but that the pwBPD ... because of their inability to compromise... brings all the issues to the forefront.  When I read it I kind of doubted it... . but most the people I dated did have issues, and all except for the pwBPD... . were able to relate pretty normally... . they didn't have that absolute their way or the highway quirk.

[charred]

I didn't talk about the experiences in my marriage. Why not?

First because I think I wanted to protect her from being seen as 'evil'.

Second because I think I felt ashamed about myself.

Third because I became isolated more and more.

Fourth because I think I thought I would manage the problems myself.

Four big mistakes!

1. Protect yourself!

2. Don't be ashamed about yourself!

3. Don't let yourself get isolated!

4. You never can manage problems on your own! We all need support.

After ten years I wish I had trusted others: it would have made the past few months a lot easier. Now the people in my surroundings were stunned and not all ready to support. Talking about the problems earlier, would made things probably easier.

I tried talking to others early on, and they were not much help, as they didn't get it. To them it was simple, if I liked her and it was more good than not good, stay, if not, move on... no problem. I explained I was hooked on her and would get a "then stay and be happy" ... . but there was no real understanding of the deep connection, and deep problems that were in the r/s.

I did get isolated... and the first time around was happy to be off in our own world... till I had the rug pulled out from under me when she abruptly dumped me. May have the record for longest time till a recycle (27yrs later)... and by then I was not willing to be isolated... and that was a source of enormous tension. So now I have known her 30 yrs, and have given up hope of it ever working, I still miss her (well my illusion of her... the real her is a pill)... and she still makes occasional attempts to recycle... but its things like backhanded FB comments... so I can see the close minded... I wish you would come to your senses and see it my way thinking.

The bummer to me is that I now know that if I have a supercharged reaction to someone, like intense puppy love almost... . that they are disordered and it will be a nightmare... . as I have met a few others like her over all those years, and while I used to wish she was normal, so we could be together... . if she were normal I doubt I would have the intense desire to be with her I had. She met me when I was young and naive... and I learned quite a bit, then she came back when I was old and naive to her... . but she couldn't keep me in the dark and believing it was all my fault no matter what it was.

Nothing short of the train wreck that was our r/s would have got me seeing a T, so if I actually am able to address my issues, something good could come from the r/s... but nothing to match the magnitude of all the bad.

[laelle]

 When I read it I kind of doubted it... . but most the people I dated did have issues, and all except for the pwBPD... . were able to relate pretty normally... . they didn't have that absolute their way or the highway quirk.

I kind of doubt this too.  Where I have had problems in other relationships, it was not because of a failure to communicate.  It was more jumping too quick because it takes two incomes to survive and I was a single mom and worried alot about stability.  I never really got to know the person.  I do tend to look for people who have trouble with intimacy.  I never really got alot of hugs and kisses as a kid and its uncomfortable for me.  I can absolutely have it, it just takes me a while to warm up to the idea.  I digress... In my prior relationships I was always able to voice my opinions, concerns and compromise with no problems.

[charred]

When I read it I kind of doubted it... . but most the people I dated did have issues, and all except for the pwBPD... . were able to relate pretty normally... . they didn't have that absolute their way or the highway quirk.

I kind of doubt this too.  Where I have had problems in other relationships, it was not because of a failure to communicate.  It was more jumping too quick because it takes two incomes to survive and I was a single mom and worried alot about stability.  I never really got to know the person.  I do tend to look for people who have trouble with intimacy.  I never really got alot of hugs and kisses as a kid and its uncomfortable for me.  I can absolutely have it, it just takes me a while to warm up to the idea.  I digress... In my prior relationships I was always able to voice my opinions, concerns and compromise with no problems.

Same here... . the pwBPD ignored my boundaries that keep most people at arms length, and didn't dwell on getting to know me, just blew smoke about how perfect we were for each other, then supplied lots of sex, which seemed like an acceptable substitute for real love and intimacy... till the whole facade crumbled and both our problems came to the front. I was married and even kept my wife at a bit of a distance... . she said I always had a wall up to keep from getting hurt, and she understood. Wish I had worked on getting rid of it long ago.

Lot of us didn't have the hugs and kisses (that is a nice short way to describe something much worse than that.)

[Mightyhammers]

I didn’t even tell my close friends about my relationship, but that’s only because of the person that I am. When we had our first bit argument I had to talk to someone, and was basically given the advice of GET RID, now that we aren’t together any more ( and funnily enough a lot of my friends have met her now, and they liked her ) the friends that I confided to are over the moon that we’ve split ( in fact one of them said, if you get back with her I will never give you advice again )

With most people you can compromise.  You share your perspective, they share theirs and you come together with an agreement. Its give and take.  From my experience there is no give and take.  Even if it means cutting off their nose to spite their face.

Every time we broke up it was because I wanted to talk about a problem I was having with the set up of the relationship.  Wasnt a big deal. It wasnt earth shattering.  It was a moment to listen and compromise.   It was always too much for him

This saying crossed my mind 2 or 3 times during the relationship! One of the last things we argued about was me asking for a proper face to face talk to see if we could iron out the problems we were having, I never asked her for anything during our time together and she wouldn’t even give me that

[laelle]

and didn't dwell on getting to know me

Same for me.  They have their own opinion of what we are anyway, they dont need actual truth to get in the way of that. 

Its not really about us anyway is it?

[laelle]

I didn’t even tell my close friends about my relationship, but that’s only because of the person that I am. When we had our first bit argument I had to talk to someone, and was basically given the advice of GET RID, now that we aren’t together any more ( and funnily enough a lot of my friends have met her now, and they liked her ) the friends that I confided to are over the moon that we’ve split ( in fact one of them said, if you get back with her I will never give you advice again )

With most people you can compromise.  You share your perspective, they share theirs and you come together with an agreement. Its give and take.  From my experience there is no give and take.  Even if it means cutting off their nose to spite their face.

Every time we broke up it was because I wanted to talk about a problem I was having with the set up of the relationship.  Wasnt a big deal. It wasnt earth shattering.  It was a moment to listen and compromise.   It was always too much for him

This saying crossed my mind 2 or 3 times during the relationship! One of the last things we argued about was me asking for a proper face to face talk to see if we could iron out the problems we were having, I never asked her for anything during our time together and she wouldn’t even give me that

My ex never wanted to talk about the relationship other than the things in it that were being done for him.  If I had issues I could either go screw myself or he would give me one sentence of understanding and if I didnt like then I could go screw myself.