What therapies, books and tapes or suggestions were helpful to you?

[Hurt llama]

I have been in therapy for many years on and actually found it very helpful and important during difficult periods in my life, including before, during and after my divorce (not to a BPD partner)

and started therapy again, during the crazy making experiences that caused some of the worst pain in my life.

Now that finally I have figured out she is classic BPD, incest between her father and her sister, her mother left her and her sisters to be raised by this monster and on and on.

With this knowledge, as helpful as traditional therapy might have been in the past, it has been no help at all to me this time and I finally happily stopped.

But now after reconnecting with my ex two weeks ago and experiencing her all over again... (gee, she forgot to mention she conveniently broke up with her 25 year older than her bf in order to feel as though she wasn't cheating with me) (which she did to me as well btw)

I know I am at the end of the endgame with her, I do think it might be helpful to find a professional who knows exactly what I was faced with and do find ways that might help me shed the remnants of this relationship and not rip myself apart wondering why i was with her... I know all that I will ever know... years of work... .

What specific books, therapies, tapes or suggestions do any of you have that have experienced similar things?

[Hurt llama]

mods you can delete this thread!

sorry...

i found all i think i need for now

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56204.0

[charred]

I was anxious/stressed to my limits, its why I went to a T, he suggested mindfulness for the stress, it worked wonderfully, better than anxiety meds ever did... he recommended Eckart Tolle's "A new earth"... and it was good.

I read a few other books that helped, Rewire your Brain for Love... . had excellent mindfulness exercises in it.

Was pointed to attachment theory... told I wasn't really in love with my pwBPD, but had an attachment problem... so I found the book "Becoming Attached" which is an excellent college text book on attachment theory... from it I found that I indeed had symptoms of fearful anxious or avoidant attachment, and that the ADHD I had been battling was probably really just fidgeting from a high anxiety level going way back to a very drama filled childhood.

The "Becoming Attached" book didn't explain how to do anything about the attachment issues, so I thought "A general Theory of love" combined with "Rewire your brain for love" would help... and they did help... but not for that purpose... "A General Theory of Love" has an excellent explanation of how we learn things by experience... and that the most important lessons happen between birth and about 3 yrs old... we learn about how to relate in interpersonal relationships... and from those first relationships we make a mental template of how love is, and years later that template determines who we fall for, and who falls for us... and in my case the explanation exactly matched falling for a person with a PD.

"The Art of Seduction" by Robert Green ... . really pissed me off, because I read it (based on some threads on these boards)... and it truly seemed like the BPD play book, it is a long and detailed treatise on how to use manipulation to seduce someone... and item by item, sometimes even using the same words... my exBPDgf... had done those very things... and for a while I thought she had to have bought the book and followed it... I still don't know how a lot of independent disordered people could out of the blue come up with what is in that book and follow it like a script... it is very interesting... be warned it may make you think of pwBPD as evil manipulators... doing everything intentionally.

The first book that really helped to understand what needed to be done to get better... was ":)aring to Trust" ... it makes sense and is a great read.

After all the above, I knew I had my own problems going back to my NPD dad and cold/distant mother, that I could work okay, but in a close interpersonal r/s, I had issues. I assumed something from schema therapy in a post I made... and a senior person on the board implored me to take the tests, don't assume I was a certain type... so I took the Young schema tests... and the results were very enlightning... they have about 14 schemas (on the one I took, newer has 18)... which described various typical ways of relating and dealing with issues... you want to be normal on each range and high on the happy adult schema... I was in to the problem areas on 6 of the 14... and the descriptions of what the problems were, and what caused them, rang very true to me... so I ordered the book "Reinventing Your Life" by the creator of schema therapy Jeffrey Young... and I haven't got it yet... but it looks like it is a very practical guide to addressing each schema's problems pragmatically... exactly what I was looking for.

Thats my book list (for books I bought)... I got most of them used on amazon and that made them about $100 total... cheap as an hour with a T.

One other book was wonderful in explaining NPD... which my father should be the poster child for... . it was "What makes a Narcissist Tick"... its a free pdf file you can find online, its long, but an awesome real world explanation of NPD and what they do... no Phd type would ever write it, its like someone took this set of boards and distilled it down to make a book on BPD... only its for NPD... . excellent explanation of gaslighting and painting black and many other nasty NPD traits.

[Hurt llama]

Thanks Charred... . You've certainly done your homework!

For myself... . I feel I am close to a break through... (not a breakdown!)

I find reading on how to gain freedom from detachment helpful.

I am ready to pick up and start dating again, hopefully this weekend.

I found out my exBPDgf is coming back to my area... . and I told her gently that I love her, i know she loves me but I don't want to keep hurting her or me... . She replied, ":)ate me!" with the enthusiasm of a child... I asked her if she is going to be meeting with a past lover (business) and she said of course (no problem) then I asked if she could see him as a potential partner again... . To which she blankly said, "Yes, if you are not in the picture"

I felt the old blood pressure start to rise () but i asked and she answered and the answer means nothing anyway (that's the weird part) but i felt compelled to ask and I felt sickened to her her perfectly calm direct answer as if she is the most mentally healthy person around! (let's forget that this was her TWIN sisters bf and that she had an affair with him as soon as they broke up and she dumped him when he called her by her sisters name and that they had a fight and he invited her to lunch to talk about it and she showed up with a male 'friend'... (omg)

OK,, I just vented!

time to meditate! (not medicate.)

thanks for the post... I will read it again and look into some of the materials.

[charred]

Thanks Charred... . You've certainly done your homework!

For myself... . I feel I am close to a break through... (not a breakdown!)

I find reading on how to gain freedom from detachment helpful.

I am ready to pick up and start dating again, hopefully this weekend.

I found out my exBPDgf is coming back to my area... . and I told her gently that I love her, i know she loves me but I don't want to keep hurting her or me... . She replied, ":)ate me!" with the enthusiasm of a child... I asked her if she is going to be meeting with a past lover (business) and she said of course (no problem) then I asked if she could see him as a potential partner again... . To which she blankly said, "Yes, if you are not in the picture"

I felt the old blood pressure start to rise () but i asked and she answered and the answer means nothing anyway (that's the weird part) but i felt compelled to ask and I felt sickened to her her perfectly calm direct answer as if she is the most mentally healthy person around! (let's forget that this was her TWIN sisters bf and that she had an affair with him as soon as they broke up and she dumped him when he called her by her sisters name and that they had a fight and he invited her to lunch to talk about it and she showed up with a male 'friend'... (omg)

OK,, I just vented!

time to meditate! (not medicate.)

thanks for the post... I will read it again and look into some of the materials.

Wow twins... that makes me wonder if there are any identical twins that one is BPD and one isn't, my luck would be both were BPD and I would have the worse drama triangle on the planet... .

Sounds like you are headed in the right direction, it took me a long time to get to where I could turn down an invite from my pwBPD and not feel like I was going to implode from the hurt. Last time I saw her I changed our dinner date to a talk in a food court... and stuck to my guns pointing out her most recent manipulations... . been pretty quiet since then, suspect she found some other guys, whoever was handy.

The ":)ate Me!"... . so familiar sounding, all enthusiastic and willing to ignore having been through WW1, and WW2 with me, ready for WW3... . yep, just like my disordered gal.

[marbleloser]

For me:

"The Shack" - My favorite

"Codependant No More"

"Attached"

"Stop Walking on Eggshells"

"Hope for the Seperated"- Good book for those seperated

"The Road Less Travelled" - Old book,but still relevant and good

[Hurt llama]

Thanks Charred... . You've certainly done your homework!

For myself... . I feel I am close to a break through... (not a breakdown!)

I find reading on how to gain freedom from detachment helpful.

I am ready to pick up and start dating again, hopefully this weekend.

I found out my exBPDgf is coming back to my area... . and I told her gently that I love her, i know she loves me but I don't want to keep hurting her or me... . She replied, ":)ate me!" with the enthusiasm of a child... I asked her if she is going to be meeting with a past lover (business) and she said of course (no problem) then I asked if she could see him as a potential partner again... . To which she blankly said, "Yes, if you are not in the picture"

I felt the old blood pressure start to rise () but i asked and she answered and the answer means nothing anyway (that's the weird part) but i felt compelled to ask and I felt sickened to her her perfectly calm direct answer as if she is the most mentally healthy person around! (let's forget that this was her TWIN sisters bf and that she had an affair with him as soon as they broke up and she dumped him when he called her by her sisters name and that they had a fight and he invited her to lunch to talk about it and she showed up with a male 'friend'... (omg)

OK,, I just vented!

time to meditate! (not medicate.)

thanks for the post... I will read it again and look into some of the materials.

Wow twins... that makes me wonder if there are any identical twins that one is BPD and one isn't, my luck would be both were BPD and I would have the worse drama triangle on the planet... .

Sounds like you are headed in the right direction, it took me a long time to get to where I could turn down an invite from my pwBPD and not feel like I was going to implode from the hurt. Last time I saw her I changed our dinner date to a talk in a food court... and stuck to my guns pointing out her most recent manipulations... . been pretty quiet since then, suspect she found some other guys, whoever was handy.

The ":)ate Me!"... . so familiar sounding, all enthusiastic and willing to ignore having been through WW1, and WW2 with me, ready for WW3... . yep, just like my disordered gal.

Yes. Twins. I've met her sister a few times... and really liked her (duh)... They are both beautiful, tall women who were literally taught and raised by in her words to be 'arm candy'... yuck

Her sister, never married and has her own dysfunctional clearly BPD relationships... But to be 'fair' both of them, as 'bad' as they are... . are a bit different from much of what I have been reading... They both seem to be the same child, emotionally immature, incapable of understanding another person having feels... Very low empathy... . ANd this cool, detached way... They NEVER yell... . no rages. No outright cheating ever... . My ex's perspective is clear... . she loves me more than anyone ever... . and she wants me. period, forever and always... and she believes this whole heartedly! it's unreal... she would easily pass a lie detector test!

She has the belief that I have a crazy temper and i am crazy... . (haha... . she has finally stopped saying that as I have backed it way down)

After reading all night on this forum last night, I know eventually i will have to move to a LC period...

In reality, she is never the one to reach for me... it's always me missing her, longing for her like the drug that she is.

I did phase one today... . It's a start to prevent or reduce my PTSD feelings if she disappears in almost the middle of a text conversation which signals she is with her bf... . She did this to me two weeks ago and it triggered one of the most monumental reactions I have had in a long time.

Here;s what I did... . (this worked with the next gf I had after her who was even worse... )

I no longer will initiate a text. Period. I stopped last night.

She texted me "Good morning" at 2PM and we texted back and forth until she stopped... . who knows why... doesn't matter.

So I texted and emailed her that it's nothing personal but as of now, I am shutting off her ability to text me. I wont receive any texts she sends even if she thinks I do. (i told her that). I told her that if she wants to connect with me then she is going to have to email me and I will email back. If I enable texting, it will be for a limited and defined period of time.

I didn't get into detail about why I am doing this or make her feel bad. She's not stupid and she I am sure does get that she is dysfunctional.

This is a start. It's weak I admit... but it is a start.

Working on lining up a date with this incredibly hot and safe girl I dated in the past... I am making plans to hopefully date another new woman I am in contact with on line.

Also most importantly, I am making plans to be busier! I have way to much time on my hands to think about this.

I renegotiated an informal business transaction I was doing with my exBPDgf... . I changed it to a loan... . even though I would have made a very good return on investment, it's not worth the entanglement that would exist.

I read about your food court date and laughed out loud... My ex would not care where it would be... . she's that confident of her powers... . ugh.

[Hurt llama]

For me:

"The Shack" - My favorite

"Codependant No More"

"Attached"

"Stop Walking on Eggshells"

"Hope for the Seperated"- Good book for those seperated

"The Road Less Travelled" - Old book,but still relevant and good

thank you for that list... . Road Less Traveled is old but also i agree, great... . I'll look into the others too.