Not sure who is crazier?

[Aptigo]

I hope i'm in the right place!  This is my 2nd post after the intro type one and I'm trying to figure out how to get the most out of this site.  My therapist . recommended it - he thinks my husband has BPD.  I think there is something wrong with me too, but maybe it's just what my BPD has done to me over the past 10 years, i'm not sure yet.  So here's a snapshot and scenario - intersted in what you guys think... .

He's very explosive, critical, negative, and demanding.  He doesn't seem to be able to show compassion, empathy, or concern for others.  He's very much all about himself, very sensitive, and distorts reality frequently.  He's been abusing substances lately and things seem to be getting worse all around.  I have left him at least 15 or so times in the last 10 years.  Sometimes moving states apart, this last time divorcing, then remarrying.  I feel insane and wonder if I'm the one with BPD because I keep leaving, but then coming back to him, but then again, I romantically think that I just love him and want to "help" him or "save" him... . so I leave because I can't take it any more, gather up some strength, and go back at it.  Or maybe I just hate being alone and feel like no one else would want to be with me... . but if that's really it, is that because there is something wrong with me?  Or is it that he's beat me down so low?  Not sure... . but here's the current situation: 

We remarried not too long ago and things have been very different.  When I kicked him out last time, he really freaked out.  He even chased me to the police department and beat on the glass at the police station while I was inside asking them for help.  He really didn't think he was doing anything out of the ordinary.  He still doesn't.  Anyway, he really flipped out and I feel so guilty about it that i've allowed a ton of crap to go by without stopping it, but it's really getting out of hand. 

This weekend, at the last minute, he decided he wanted to go visit his family with the kids.  I said I would go, but then gave him the option of going without me and he quickly took it.  So he went without me (this would be the 3rd time, and the other 2 times he openly admitted after the trip that he hadn't wanted me to go).  .Well, great I think, I can read, catch up on stuff i've been wanting to do, and not FIGHT with anyone for a week, so it's great in many ways.  Whats bothering me is that he barely wants to talk to me on the phone or text me.  He doesn't do simple things like say goodnight, and that really concerns me.  It seems like when I'm not with him, I don't exist.

He plays in a band and recently he keeps going to parties after shows and not telling me, he just doesn't come home.  There have been nights that he says he's going out for something, like milk, then just doesn't come home until the next morning.  Each time, his phone dies.  He swears up and down that he's not seeing anyone else, and as stupid as it may sound, I believe him - I don't think he could manage the stress of carrying a lie like that, but these are not the actions of someone who wants to make their marriage work.  Does he even care about our marriage, or love me, or is this all just revenge at this point? 

He's smoking pot all of the time, and drinking to the point of passing out often.  We have 2 small girls and a teenager at home. The teen can't stand him, and the little girls are constantly being berated by him.  the only way he can communicate with them is by joking meanly or sarcastically and he really thinks it's funny and fine.  He rarely appreciates them for anything they are or anything they do and i can't say anything that makes any difference about how he is with them. 

He's constanly accusing me of trying to control him and change him because I get sad that he doesn't consider me, my feelings, or my needs.  In bed, he only cares about himself every single night no matter what I say or do.  He's obsessed with music and drumming and that is the only thing in the world he ever wants to do.  He doens't want to go anywhere as a family, not even vacations.  The only thing he likes to do for the kids is buy them stuff, but I think it's because it's an easy way to make himself feel like he's being a good dad.

I can't help but feel like i've been duped - and that i'm a terrible mother for putting the kids through this over and over.

But then I feel like maybe i'm the one who is crazy (that's surely what he will tell you), and that I do is forever and I need to suck it up and deal with it.

I'm just losing him that things will ever be better - and I don't want to waste away my life and my love on a hopeless cause! 

[VeryFree]

Hi!

Just my 2 cents:

Why does your therapist say about this question. I think he knows you a lot better then we do overhere. When he thinks your h has BPD-characteristics, I think you can believe it and look at your own part in this.

When I look at my situation: I had the same doubts about myself that you do have, untill very recently (a few months ago). When I'm totally honest, I still sometimes think that maybe there is something wrong with me. Reading about BPD, talking with other people and a therapist learned me the following things:

-   The NON will try to reason and expect another to be reasonable, like he or she is. A big mistake: the BPD isn’t and can not be reasonable. That fact doesn’t mean that you’re ill!

-   The NON will catch some fleas during the years: when living together you will take some habits from your partner. Not nice, but that doesn’t make you ill!

-   The NON will hear a lot from his/her BPDw/h that he’s ill and he has problems himself. The more often you hear it, the more likely it seems. But it doesn’t mean it’s true.   

-   The NON keeps hoping things aren’t the way they are and they become better. That doesn’t make you ill, but you will have to do something with this thoughts: educate yourself about BPD and also try to learn about yourself: why do you stay in this relationship?

[Surnia]

Hi Aptigo

many members here are having there issues too. Perhaps not a PD, perhaps some traits or codependency or poor interpersonal skills from her FOO - there is a wide range and it is good to have a T to explore about this, like you have.

Your H has serious issues, I would be worried about my children too, when someone is constantly on pot or drinking alc.

I can't help but feel like i've been duped - and that i'm a terrible mother for putting the kids through this over and over.

This is quite negative and I am sure you are a loving mother. Perhaps you can think about what would you change to be more satisfied as a mother?

I'm trying to figure out how to get the most out of this site.

I would recommend you to read the Lessons for members who are staying in their relationships.

I dont say this with the intention you should stay... . I truly believe you can benefit from it to become stronger. 

[DragoN]

Not sure who is crazier?

In the beginning, when first learning about BPD, I was bound and determined, it was my partner. However, look more closely, and recognizing that there are Two dancing the deranged tango, and one must reevaluate.

The NON will try to reason and expect another to be reasonable, like he or she is. A big mistake: the BPD isn’t and can not be reasonable. That fact doesn’t mean that you’re ill!

-   The NON will catch some fleas during the years: when living together you will take some habits from your partner. Not nice, but that doesn’t make you ill!

-   The NON will hear a lot from his/her BPDw/h that he’s ill and he has problems himself. The more often you hear it, the more likely it seems. But it doesn’t mean it’s true.   

-   The NON keeps hoping things aren’t the way they are and they become better. That doesn’t make you ill, but you will have to do something with this thoughts: educate yourself about BPD and also try to learn about yourself: why do you stay in this relationship?