Do you keep you think they are BPD a secret?

[Aptigo]

I'm new here and reading thru the posts... . I have a million questions, but will try to get answers from reading, but really wanted to ask this!  My therapist thinks my husband as  BPD.  He said NOT to tell him anything about it right now, and told me of books to get, and about this site, which i'm finding TONS of WOWS! because there really are people who know what i'm going thru, but it seems like maybe people aren't talking about the BPD directly with the person?  I really want to show all of this to my husband because SO many of the scenario's described are SO similar to things we've been thru - is that a bad idea?  I'm trying to get my husband in to see the counselor, even though his first reaction was that he really didn't need it even though he had two giant, physical rage outburts in one week and 1 day after the last one couldn't think of a reason he would need to see a counselor, but anyway, I'm thinking of telling him it's more for couples counselling?  Is that how this normally goes?

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[VeryFree]

My stbxw was selfdiagnosing a lot. With her google-findings she went to different therapists and they would agree quite often.

She shared that findings with me, but I did often disagree with her about symptoms. Telling her that and trying to talk about my findings, she denied.

Years ago I tried to talk about BPD, but it exploded in my face.  She accused me of driving her mad, trying to get her on medicin, she told me I had NPD and so on.

BPD probably wasn't sexy enough.

Take my advice: don't diagnose your partner. Let the professionals do that. Don't tell them what you think about it, but learn about the disorder. Learn about how to protect yourself. And: learn about yourself!

[waverider]

What do you aim to achieve?

Validate your own opinion?

To kick start them on the road to recovery?

Keep in mind a pwBPD has a very low sense of sense, and to go through life constantly messing up and causing dramas is too much stress for the strongest of us to accept.

Their main form of protecting themselves is denial, and extreme defensiveness in response to criticism.

To point out that they are the source of the dramas is to totally undermine their self esteem and to give the ultimate criticism. This will result in extreme defensive denial.

A pwBPD needs to find out about this disorder by allowing it to evolve naturally when ready in Therapy once they are comfortable talking about their real issues and ready to hear the real underlying reason.

This is particularly so given there is no quick fix cure waiting to be administered if they could only listen to you.

My personal belief is that until they are ready to address their issues then there is not a lot to be gained by being told what the problem is.

Discussing aspects of behaviors and how they may be linked without actually labelling the disorder can be helpful sometimes

[Aptigo]

Thanks waverider - that makes sense.  I can just focus on 1 issue at a time without regard to any disorder.  Thanks!

[krista8521]

  Hello,

Welcome, and yes it's amazing to know others experience the same things!

You asked about if you should or want to show him the things you have learned so far.

I can tell you how I went about it initially, I cant say its the correct way, I am not a Therapist.

I discovered this info after my BPD Husband pushed things to such a absurd state, you had to face that something is seriously wrong here, no denying it.

I knew my Husband wouldn't listen to one word of this , if it was directed at him. You need to remember some of the traits of BPD'S are - they see the world as black and white, they are flawless, never wrong, everyone else is to blame for their problems. At least that's my Husbands initial behavior.

So, I started seeing how his Sister and Mother fell into BPD and narcissist, they were extreme examples of this disorder. So what I did was present it to him as its his Mom with BPD, he was drawn to the literature like a moth to a flame, wanting to know so bad why his mom behaved the way she did, he had such deep resentment and confusion with dealing with her.

He read books, online articles, etc... overtime he started realizing this was him also.

We started therapy first as "marriage counseling", and slowly eased into him accepting he was a BPD also.

He was able to accept it under that route, and has been working ever since to make his life easier to live and also keep his family in tact. Its major work to over come some of this, but it can with commitment from all parties involved.

[waverider]

Hello,

Welcome, and yes it's amazing to know others experience the same things!

You asked about if you should or want to show him the things you have learned so far.

I can tell you how I went about it initially, I cant say its the correct way, I am not a Therapist.

I discovered this info after my BPD Husband pushed things to such a absurd state, you had to face that something is seriously wrong here, no denying it.

I knew my Husband wouldn't listen to one word of this , if it was directed at him. You need to remember some of the traits of BPD'S are - they see the world as black and white, they are flawless, never wrong, everyone else is to blame for their problems. At least that's my Husbands initial behavior.

So, I started seeing how his Sister and Mother fell into BPD and narcissist, they were extreme examples of this disorder. So what I did was present it to him as its his Mom with BPD, he was drawn to the literature like a moth to a flame, wanting to know so bad why his mom behaved the way she did, he had such deep resentment and confusion with dealing with her.

He read books, online articles, etc... overtime he started realizing this was him also.

We started therapy first as "marriage counseling", and slowly eased into him accepting he was a BPD also.

He was able to accept it under that route, and has been working ever since to make his life easier to live and also keep his family in tact. Its major work to over come some of this, but it can with commitment from all parties involved.

Thats interesting, allows the gradual dawning of self realization without anyone pointing the finger at him which could otherwise create a barrier of denial.

[Grey Kitty]

  Hi again, Aptigo

I'll just throw in my $.02 on this subject. I wouldn't use the phrase "keeping it a secret"

Given your history, (especially leaving ~15 times) you've already told him you've got issues with how he does things. (And I bet that is an understatement!) So there isn't much that really feels like secrecy here to me.

Instead, I think more like this: "What good will come of saying something like this?"

I think you already know that there are things he doesn't want to hear and won't deal well with. I'm not saying never challenge him, just think about how you are saying it, and why.

In my own experience, even though I didn't tell my wife about BPD, she heard it from another source, I find that even after she is cured, she still carries a little resentment that I did agree with a diagnosis on her. (Her take on it was a lot worse than that before!)

The stories I remember on these boards that I've read about telling a spouse that they have BPD often went badly. There is also a long topic about this subject here:

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

Stay around here and keep posting--you will get more help!

[waverider]

In any case it is best to work on your side of it first and get yourself into a stable position. This you can do now, it will prepare you to be able to support them better if they decide to do something about it, as well as protect you if they dont.

You changing will reduce conflict and dramas which can have a knock on effect by being less triggering to them. Though there will be outbursts of resistance when you try to change anything.

[Aptigo]

OK - this all makes sense.  Work on me first, probably not a good idea to blurt out that me and my therapist think he has a pd... . got it.  So, he's coming back from being gone for a week... . all of this has happened since he was gone.  I'm a mess, barely recovering from my own breakdown and am raw and bruised and just the idea of being around him makes everything tense up.

i'm doing yoga, reading this and eggshells, relaxing... .  

If I could only focus on ONE thing, while this all settles in, what would you suggest it be?  I'll keep reading everything, but would really like a practical thing to apply right away and don't really know where to start.  I really think having some kind of focus to keep me grounded will help.  There is so much i've learned in the last week that its honestly overwhelming... . so one thing... . ?

[waverider]

Listen to everything he may say without being dismissive no matter how ridiculous it may be. If you want to have an opinion say it once, if he counters it so be it, then let it drop. Avoid pushing an opinion and getting into pointless arguments that go round and round... You do not have to be right, and everyone is entitled to a point of view, even if it's ridiculous.

In short, practice letting things float on by.

Its not the first rock thrown that hurts, its the avalanche that comes after, so don't kick the rock pile.

[Aptigo]

ok - so this is validation I assume.  I'll do it!

[waverider]

ok - so this is validation I assume.  I'll do it!

Its the support part of SET, and not making things worse by disengaging

Support is listening

Empathy is showing an attempt to see where their point of view is coming from, without judging

Truth is the way you see things from YOUR point of view after validating them

(Validation=Support+Empathy)

Successful validation is quite tricky until you get a good grip on BPD thinking as it is easy to invalidate by mistake. Thats why its best to start off saying less and listening more.

You learn more by not trying to be right