Feeling so guilty, and missing her today.

[expos]

I've really been missing my ex-wife lately.  I just don't know why this is.

I've been doing quite well since our split exactly a year ago, and now I'm in this deep depression, starting to mourn the death of our marriage and some of the good times we once had.  They call this delayed grief.     

I've been waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and when I resume sleeping, I dream of our early days.  I'm having vivid flashbacks of the idealization phase, the apartments she lived in, Sunday lunches after spending the night at her place on Saturday nights, mental images of her in some of the clothes she used to wear.

A lot of regrets too.

We should have dated longer, and we got married too quickly.  I feel guilty about the incredible wedding that her parents paid for and how I'm probably hated by them now for leaving what was essentially an abusive relationship.  I loved her parents, and still do.

Our wedding, all the people that attended, the wonderful ceremony, dancing with my mom with tears rolling down my face - I sign of my happiness in life.  My wife, looking incredible in every single wedding photo... . she couldn't take her eyes of me the entire day.

When people talked about us, everyone said the same thing.  "They are a perfect match".  Our intelligence, our looks, our interactions... . it was eerily perfect.

My wife went to a psychic once for fun.  The psychic told her I was her soulmate.  I laughed at the time, but I remember looking at my wife one day when she wasn't looking at me, and having this weird feeling wash over me - this over-powering deep connection.   It was almost disturbing.   

My wife morphed into a different person after four months of marriage, yet all the bad times feel like a blur now.  I feel like I'm on this train that has suddenly dropped me off at the very beginning with her and what is so painful is that she is out there, somewhere, but I cannot find her.   I feel like I'm missing half of myself.

I feel like I let everyone down and destroyed my wife's life.   

I wrote her a beautiful letter last week, professing my love to her, no matter the circumstances.  She never wrote back.

I'm seeing a therapist now.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get over this.  Although I'm single now, there will be a point where I will want to be with a woman again, but there is something about my ex-wife that seems so special and irreplaceable.  Possibly, deep down, she sees me the same way... . but will never admit it.

[marbleloser]

Sorry expos. The forgetting the bad is a natural defense against trauma.It also keeps us stuck in situations that we should remove ourselves from.It has it's place though.Imagine

being in a war and seeing the devastation that brings.In that case,you'd want to forget some of the bad things.It's how you'd keep your sanity.I had a great uncle who couldn't forget those things from WWII.It drove him to mental illness.

Don't beat yourself up over a natural reaction.Depression also is natural,but you need to be aware of it,and work on it yourself to pull yourself out of it. It'll benefit you in the future if you go through another traumatic event.You're learning how to cope.Be gentle with yourself.

[mango_flower]

   I've been waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and when I resume sleeping, I dream of our early days.  I'm having vivid flashbacks of the idealization phase, the apartments she lived in, Sunday lunches after spending the night at her place on Saturday nights, mental images of her in some of the clothes she used to wear.

A lot of regrets too.

Same.  The night sweats are the worst.  Why are our dreams so perfect?  It hurts like hell when you wake up in the morning, shaking... . and missing her so badly.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get over this.  Although I'm single now, there will be a point where I will want to be with a woman again, but there is something about my ex-wife that seems so special and irreplaceable.  Possibly, deep down, she sees me the same way... . but will never admit it.

Again, I relate. I feel even more hopeless as a) I never find anyone attractive, I am more about the person than the looks etc - I never look at anyone and get butterflies.  It's about the connection.  Except I am so broken and confused and have my barriers up so high that likely nobody else will ever get in.  And I have an even smaller potential dating pool than you, as I am gay *sigh*

I've dated before, but never had that soulmate connection - that deep feeling of that other person being my other half... . I never thought it would happen for me, I really didn't.  I couldn't believe when I got my perfect, I really thought I must have done something great in a past life... .

It all just seems so insurmountable now.

And I hate when people say "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".  I completely disagree.  I'd rather never have known how amazing it feels so be with somebody you're so comfortable with, such a perfect fit... . when you have everything beyond your wildest dreams... . and then have it taken away.  I wish I never knew how it felt to be happy.

I guess that the only bit of advice I can give you is "day at a time". That's all we can do.  You just don't know what's round the corner - and that is why I say never give up. xxx