Plans for the future

[lipsticklibrarian]

Hey Guys,

I've been thinking about my plans for the future now that I've established that my mother has borderline personality disorder. I want a happy life, I deserve a happy life and I find the further away I go and the more control I have over my life the happier I am. I have the next two years mapped out, I'm spending another year working abroad and then I'm returning to my native country to do a self-financed masters degree.

I am coming to the conclusion that my mother thinks that I'm a horrible person and doesn't want me to be a part of her life, much like her numerous female friends the is tarring me black.

I have a very comfortable life abroad and I really enjoy it here, I don't want to go back home where I will end up being partially supported by my mother and thus, controlled, belittled and abused. I just have to accept that although my mother lives in an enormous house has a well paid job and only two children these resources will not be available and I will probably not inherit anything when she dies, out of spite, something that a lot of people on this board have talked about.

Also if and when I do have children I do not want her to see them as I want them to have a good formative upbringing surrounded by functional, loving people. My father is an enabler and has made it pretty clear on numerous occasions that I'm on my own. So I kind of feel like I have no choice in the matter, perhaps I should stay abroad at my well paid job forever and make a family/ friends here. My mum isn't going to get better in fact she will probably get more and more horrible and negative towards me as she gets older. I need to protect myself. my future family from her.

Every time I enjoy myself I get this looming sense of forboding like I've done something naughty and mummy is going to punish me for it. This isn't going to go away unless I distance myself from her as much as possible.

[tiredmommy2]

It sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking, and pretty much know what will have to be done if you have hopes of enjoying your life and future family. I'm just sorry that you're even in a situation where you have to think of things like this. 

You not living in the same country as her is a good start - sure wish I could have pulled that one off! :D  How long have you been wherever you currently are?  Is it long enough that you can comfortably say that you can see yourself happy there in the long-term? 

[Clearmind]

I don't want to go back home where I will end up being partially supported by my mother and thus, controlled, belittled and abused.

Can you help me understand this lipstick?

My mum isn't going to get better in fact she will probably get more and more horrible and negative towards me as she gets older. I need to protect myself. my future family from her.

How does this make you feel? Sad? Resentful? Defeated?

Every time I enjoy myself I get this looming sense of forboding like I've done something naughty and mummy is going to punish me for it. This isn't going to go away unless I distance myself from her as much as possible.

It’s common to feel like our parents control us. This was certainly the case when we were young – we had no choice.

Lipstick, it’s great you have a future plan - you have mapped out the logistics of your life - what about emotionally? For me to be truly happy I needed to resolve my childhood/relationship with my BPD father – carrying around unresolved stuff is a burden on you (me).

To be happy really is to process the emotional stuff and move through it rather than around it with logistics. I hope that makes sense!

[lipsticklibrarian]

I don't want to go back home where I will end up being partially supported by my mother and thus, controlled, belittled and abused.

Can you help me understand this lipstick?

Well the economy isn't good and I get the impression that a lot of people my age are getting some form of help from their parents, which I have but obviously with strings attached. This means if I do go back to my home country I'll immediately fall back in to her care.

I do feel quite sad that I don't have a normal mother who doesn't have any empathy to validate my feelings and emotions, sometimes I feel like I was lucky to have escaped. Other times I feel quite lonely and I wonder whats the point of my life if I don't have a family near by to run to for support and love.

I think part of the reason for that is I took a job that pays really well because I was desperate to save up as much money as possible, although the place I'm staying is abroad it's not really very nice and there aren't a lot of people my age here. I'd like to settle somewhere a bit more social where I can meet a nice man and have a family but still be financially independent from my mother and preferably not in the same country. I just find it difficult because I'm not very career minded and I'm not sure what I should go in to... .  

[mysoulishome]

This isn't going to go away unless I distance myself from her as much as possible.

Oh, I wish that were true.

[lipsticklibrarian]

has that not been the case in your experience?

[mysoulishome]

"Ending a relationship" (as the name of this board indicates) can be part of getting healthy... .   but that "looming sense of foreboding" bit can linger. Being in the "FOG" as they say. Regardless of how you deal with your mother make sure you work on yourself!

[P.F.Change]

Well the economy isn't good and I get the impression that a lot of people my age are getting some form of help from their parents, which I have but obviously with strings attached. This means if I do go back to my home country I'll immediately fall back in to her care.

A lot of adults are receiving financial support from the parents. There are also a lot of adults who don't have that option. You always have a choice about what kind of help you are willing to accept.

You do have pros and cons to balance. Trying to line up work or work-study before coming back might help you decide if it is a good time. Are you already accepted in a graduate program? Maybe there is a similar one abroad you could apply to. You might also consider looking for a career counselor near where you currently live who could help you figure out some fields that would be a good fit for you.

What are you needing most right now?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[BlueCat]

Lipstick, awesome I like that you have a plan and are taking charge

I do agree with others that you also have to deal with yourself and with FOG. The biggest change is within.

However, in my case, I wasn't truly able to even start healing til I stopped socializing with my mother. Distance (whether physical or just emotional) is certainly not the end all be all of healing but it can help a LOT. A lot, lot, lot. As in, I can't stress how much better my life is since I stopped putting myself in the line of fire regularly. Holy crap, night and day, !

I do still have to take care of myself, I have moments of doubt, I have to pay attention to my heart and (in the back of my head) I do have to keep in mind that given my childhood, I will have to be on guard against depression for the rest of my life. But distancing myself from my mother was the single best thing I did. It would not have been enough if that's *all* I did, but still, it was monumental.

So good for you