How do I help him?

[Cooper12]

THIS is my son.  So what do you do?  How do I help him?  He will be 18 in about 4 months.  Currently he is being homeschooled but not doing the work,  he was bullied at school so I took him out.  The school tried to have him put in a residential facility but I think that would have killed him, literally.  He is very sensitive and only seemed to find comfort and joy at home.  He has his video games and a nice set up with a bedroom/private bath.  Lately I am getting more concerned because he talks about moving away which I am anxious about because he is my son and I worry about him.  I worry about how he will figure things out on his own etc.  How will he survive?  What will he do?  He doesn't seem overly interested in working.  He has been living off of us without a thought for years.  He speeds even though he has already gotten one speeding ticket which cost several hundred dollars after the ticket and attorney fee.  He can be very thoughtful and buy presents for people that he cares about but if you disagree with him or say something he doesn't like he will give you the silent treatment or write you off.  This site while helpful is starting to depress me even more.  I think it is a whirlwind of information maybe information overload.  What do I DO?  How do I find a counselor that can diagnose this?  How do I get him to yet another counselor when he feels they are a waste of time (and so far I have to agree with him on that).  He stopped taking his meds for anxiety/depression a few days ago.  He says he feels better off the meds and doesn't have the deep seated anger all the time.  My head is spinning... .  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

cooper

I am a bit concerned that he has decided to stop meds... . please keep a close watch on him... . that would be my first concern.

My dd tried a few therapist before finding the right one... . so keep looking. Have you found one the does DBT? Does group therapy? That might help him. My dd liked going to group and talking with kids that had similar problems.

You are doing the best you can... . it is his life and he will do what he wants... . it might be good for him to have his own place... . I see that as a healthy sign that he is thinking that way. You need to step back and let him start driving the bus... . be supportive but let him lead.

It is not easy to stop worrying but sometimes the constant worrying sends a mixed message... . that you don't think he can do it... . you can still worry but try not to show that... . he is almost 18 and he needs to try putting his life together... .  

[griz]

Cooper:  I agree if he stopped taking his meds you should keep a close eye but my DD was on meds and was not getting any better and only suffering side effects from the med.  She stopped taking them about 9 months ago and just recently resumed meds.  The meds that she is on now are completely different and I am hoping that this one is a better med for her.  She also went to therapy and DBT for about 7 months that also was over a year ago.  It seemed as if she was getting no where but recently she asked to go back to therapy and I think the difference is now she is ready to accept help and do the work that it takes.

I believe that our children need to be at a point where they are ready to understand their problems and want to change their lives.  I don't know if this is the answer for my DD but I am supporting her decision.  I know that this site might seem a little scary sometimes but we all learn so much from  each other. 

Has your son been diagnosed with BPD? What was his reason for stopping the meds?  Have you asked him why he would like to move away?  It would be helpful if you could share more information.

Griz

[vivekananda]

Hi Cooper12, welcome   

I understand your head is spinning. Mine was too when I first came online here. There is the chaos of having a child with BPD (and not having a 'proper' diagnosis... .   ) then there is all the information. Then there are all the words and ideas floating around while we deal with our own hurt, guilt, grief, frustration, anxiety and anger all mixed in. Is it no wonder we sometimes feel confused?

You are in the right place here, you are safe here. We all have felt the same things - even if our situations differ. We know how it is.

So, what do you do? First rule is to take care of yourself. You cannot be there for your son unless you are ok yourself. Second thing is to learn as much as possible about BPD. The more you understand, the easier it becomes to handle. I recommend the book by Valerie Porr: Overcoming BPD It is an especially good one for parents and is easy to read. Second I think you might benefit from learning how to be supportive and not enabling - what is the difference between the two... .  

see if this link below helps you clarify your thoughts a little.

Cooper12, we are here for you, please let us know how it goes.

Cheers,

Vivek      

Are you supporting or enabling?