My own fears of abandonment

[SoftLanding]

One of my biggest concerns these days is that I'm going to be the one to be abandoned.  We've had a series of arguments over very small things that triggered him (uBPDbf) breaking up with me in the past.  There is no way I could have done anything to avoid these at the time.  Now I've learned JADE and SET, which have helped tremendously as far as handling the ensuing argument goes.  But at the time, I didn't know these things.  I didn't even know there was a BPD issue.  Some of the things triggering the break ups were:

1. me asking him to turn down the tv (he said i yelled at him, but i only spoke loud so he could hear me over the tv)

2. me telling him that I thought a facebook post would offend my daughter-in-law (it was anti-vegan and she's a vegan)

3. me having anxiety about leaving the house. 

4. me asking him to see a dr when he had a wound that wouldn't heal.  He doesn't trust them.

5. me asking for more attention and affection.  he thought he was doing every right and was floored i wasn't satisfied.  This was during a period of a few weeks where all he did was facebook and watch tv.  Everytime I tried to speak to him, I got shhhh'd.

6. me not believing him that the earth was facing imminent destruction by a meteor.

These incidents brought on days of silent treatment, followed by break-ups.  Twice he broke up with me publicly on facebook without even telling me first.  I admit it was the arguments that happened after the triggers that caused the problems.  I thought I was crazy and as bad as he said I was.  Then I found this site and began to learn what the problem was and how to discuss things with him without making it worse.  We haven't had any incidents since October, but I'm still afraid that one day some little blow up is gonna happen... . because no relationship is ever perfect, and he will discard me without a second thought.  He turns into a different person in the midst of an argument.  Cruel and cold as I have ever known.  He puts 100% of the blame on me and throws things in my face from the past... . either something I did that he didn't mention at the time, or some thing I told him about myself that I probably shouldn't have.  He tells me afterward that I should know he loves me because he hasn't thrown me out yet.

A little history:  We're both in our 50's and been together for about a year and a half.  We were sweethearts in high school and reunited after about 35 years.   He says I'm the love of his life and I say the same about him.  We're engaged, but I'm afraid to set a date.   I have to say that 98% of the time is wonderful.  That's why I'm still here and why I continue to have hope. 


 

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[patientandclear]

I just want to say I hear you.  I had no apparent abandonment fears or issues before beginning a r/s with my BPDex two years ago at 45.  Now I find it incredibly hard not to operate from a place of fear that he is going to leave, leave again, leave further, the interesting & fulfilling friendship we built in lieu of a romantic/sexual partnership after he blew that up & I said I didn't want to try that again unless he gained some insight into what had happened.

It is really hard not to be governed by that fear.  What I've learned both here & in the actual r/s is that things go better if you are true to yourself despite the possibility that the r/s will end.  They leave for such hard to discern reasons you really cannot hope to control or anticipate all of those anyway.  If the r/s continues and you have been true to yourself, it generally appears that it feels much more valuable and worthwhile -- to both partners.

Good luck.  I know dealing with that fear is super hard, but get on top of it, don't let it drive you.

[Rockylove]

I don't fear abandonment... . I fear his throwing me out on my butt, though!  The house is his.  He paid for it.  We are engaged and will be married this June.  I've not illusion that the craziness will continue.  My only hope is that I can be strong enough to carry on if he does kick me to the curb.  I've done it before, but as I age, it seems more difficult.  I feel for you on this one!

[waverider]

The problem is a pwBPD turns into a no rules bully once dysregulated. As a result they will go for your weaknesses and fears, and they probably are more aware of them than you are.

This is why we focus here on rebuilding our own sense of self as an independent person, and at times having contingency "out " plans. Not because that is your chosen path, but because if you know you have a fall back you feel less trapped. If you feel less trapped you will not come across as vulnerable and hence not such an easy target for these threats.

The goal is to not make yourself reliant on a pwBPD for financial or emotional support. The less you "need" them the more likely you are to be able find a workable relationship. A pwBPD sabotages both themselves and any interactions they have with others, if you depend on them you will be sabotaged too.

Think of yourself as two trees growing side by side. It is ok for your branches to be intertwined but your trunk needs to be firm rooted in your own patch of ground

[wanttoknowmore]

waverider,

Thank you for this deep and meaningful analysis. Its very insightful.