Re: Question about pwBPD and their inability to see that their anger will subside.

[committed]

I think that is part of the black and white thinking that goes along with BPD. They see everything as horribly bad or wonderfully good and don't see much in between. I know my BF doesn't seem to get that sometimes people have a bad day or even a bad moment but that it doesn't mean it will never be good again. I'm not sure there is a solution to this issue without some serious therapy. In my case, I know the mood will subside and I've just learned to not let it get to me until that time. I've also learned that how I react to his mood will have an impact on how long the mood will last or whether things will escalate. Of course, my BF has never thrown away things like this. I'm not so sure I could deal with that.

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[CodependentHusband]

Interesting topic to me... . I've often wondered the same thing. After many cycles and thinking about this, I've come to a conclusion similar to what I think committed expressed. Why does the pwBPD need to know that the bad mood will subside, as long as the non does? Sure, the pwBPD can do some very destructive things while in this mood, but WE know it will pass, so, it doesn;t have to bother us as much as it often does until we've gotten more practice with the tools.

I'm not trying to downplay the intensity of the damage that can be done during these periods (self-harm, suicide, STD's, property damage, all extreme examples), but when we learn how to keep things from getting worse, it helps a great deal.

So sorry for what you've been through. I'm curious though... . You're posting on Staying. What are your intentions with teh relationship? It's okay if you don;t know, but I was just wondering so I can better understand.

[CodependentHusband]

We can drive ourselves crazy trying to get someone else to see our reality. Their reality in that very moment is as real to them as our is. It took me a while to really 'get' this about my dBPDw. It helps me more than you realize to know that her mood will change again from 'doom and gloom' to sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns. I don't run it in her face at the time, and in fact, rarely even mention my seemingly omniscient 'magic powers' of seeing the future, but it helps me get through those tough moments when they happen. Every once in a while I will falter and get down myself, but most of the time I honestly feel good, despite her moods. It takes practice, but it has been worth the effort. Realizing that my wife lives 'in the moment,' AND that I am literally unable in any way to change it was a big enabler for this.

Hope things get better for you soon.

[coworkerfriend]

CDH - What a great insight -

Interesting topic to me... . I've often wondered the same thing. After many cycles and thinking about this, I've come to a conclusion similar to what I think committed expressed. Why does the pwBPD need to know that the bad mood will subside, as long as the non does? Sure, the pwBPD can do some very destructive things while in this mood, but WE know it will pass, so, it doesn;t have to bother us as much as it often does until we've gotten more practice with the tools.

I'm not trying to downplay the intensity of the damage that can be done during these periods (self-harm, suicide, STD's, property damage, all extreme examples), but when we learn how to keep things from getting worse, it helps a great deal.

I have seen so many bad moods that flip to good moods like flipping a light switch and you are right, I need to focus on the fact that the moods pass.  My pwBPD is moody.  He says things that could destroy our relationship and it doesn't have to bother me as much as it does, right?  What you are saying makes sense but it can be hard to let the words go. 

[wanttoknowmore]

Its very hard to live with this type of impulsive person who causes so much loss due to uncontrol impulses.

Not all pwBPD's are this impulsive. Mine is not much impulsive... she just shuts down and withdraws . Demands that I should just leave her alone.

She doesnot spend much ... actually gets more frugal out of fear that money will run out. She just freezes during bad moods.

[motherof1yearold]

What should have been a red flag for me was when we'd spend the day somewhere, say Disneyland, and if something negative happened at the end (maybe having trouble finding the car), then H would declare that the "whole day" was terrible.

After this happened a few times, I tried a new technique, as the day would go on, I'd repeatedly ask H if he were having a good time and he'd say, "yes."  So he might say "yes," 10 times in one day.  So, then if something negative happened, and he started to claim that the whole day was bad, I'd remind him of the many times that day that he had declared that he was enjoying the day.  [/quote]
With my ex BPD H, any little thing at the end of the day and he would adamantly declare he hadn't had  a good moment the entire day. I would point out I saw him laughing and carrying on several times but it fell on deaf ears!