Emotional affairs

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Just wondering how many of you had ex BPD's who had emotional affairs.

That is what ultimately broke up my relationship with my ex BPD.  He started reaching out to women behind my back and once I found out, I was devastated.  

The whole time he was telling me he loved me, he was getting an emotional fix elsewhere.  

Obviously, we were in the devaluing stage... . I was noticing more raging, insults, criticism, etc.  

I instinctively felt things were different although at the time I couldn't put my finger on it.  I was very astute to what was going on and could see and feel him pulling away.  When I confronted him, he of course denied everything and tried to brush it under the table and blame shift onto the women... . "she manipulated me into talking"... . if it wasn't so painful to hear, it would almost be laughable.  

Somehow I seemed to deal with the raging and other issues (control, manipulation). Although I didn't like it, I accepted it as part of him and was trying to work it out.  

The emotional affairs though was what hurt me to the very core.  I thought I was meeting all of his needs and for him to secretively go behind my back and deceive me with another women was the ultimate low point for me.  He says he didn't cheat.  To me, an emotional affair is cheating.  

Am I wrong?  I would never go behind his back and do the same.  I wasn't even allowed to talk to guys without getting the third degree.  I know, the double standard thing always comes into play.  

I realize I deserve so much better but I'm still trying to accept and understand why it happened and heal.  I know with BPD, it truly happened because of an emptiness inside of them and a fear of abandonment but I can't help but take it personally.  I guess that's my codependency talking... . I'm working on that issue

Thanks for listening, I just needed to get that off my chest.  I'm trying to heal but it's still so fresh and very painful especially with him still reaching out to me and I still have feelings for him.  I know in reality, I can't go back.  It was too painful and too "wrong" but I feel so lost.  

[healingmyheart]

Just wondering how many of you had ex BPD's who had emotional affairs.

That is what ultimately broke up my relationship with my ex BPD.  He started reaching out to women behind my back and once I found out, I was devastated.  

The whole time he was telling me he loved me, he was getting an emotional fix elsewhere.  

Obviously, we were in the devaluing stage... . I was noticing more raging, insults, criticism, etc.  

I instinctively felt things were different although at the time I couldn't put my finger on it.  I was very astute to what was going on and could see and feel him pulling away.  When I confronted him, he of course denied everything and tried to brush it under the table and blame shift onto the women... . "she manipulated me into talking"... . if it wasn't so painful to hear, it would almost be laughable.  

Somehow I seemed to deal with the raging and other issues (control, manipulation). Although I didn't like it, I accepted it as part of him and was trying to work it out.  

The emotional affairs though was what hurt me to the very core.  I thought I was meeting all of his needs and for him to secretively go behind my back and deceive me with another women was the ultimate low point for me.  He says he didn't cheat.  To me, an emotional affair is cheating.  

Am I wrong?  I would never go behind his back and do the same.  I wasn't even allowed to talk to guys without getting the third degree.  I know, the double standard thing always comes into play.  

I realize I deserve so much better but I'm still trying to accept and understand why it happened and heal.  I know with BPD, it truly happened because of an emptiness inside of them and a fear of abandonment but I can't help but take it personally.  I guess that's my codependency talking... . I'm working on that issue

Thanks for listening, I just needed to get that off my chest.  I'm trying to heal but it's still so fresh and very painful especially with him still reaching out to me and I still have feelings for him.  I know in reality, I can't go back.  It was too painful and too "wrong" but I feel so lost.  

[MaybeSo]

Struggled with the EA stuff for my 5 year relationship. For me, it was very painful. If he had slipped and had a drunken one night fling with a stranger, that would not have hurt nearly as much as the duplicitous way he went behind my back to nurse off the romantic attention of other women. It is so hurtful, to have your devaluation be used as the glue to bond him with another female.

You are correct, it's a need they are filling, it has nothing personally to do with you, but that doesn't mean the fall out isn't devastating.

[andalusia435]

Healing my heart,

You took the words out of my mouth. Sadly, I'm married to mine and have zero help to get out. I have contacted organizations, but none of them are willing so far. I have a surgery coming up in a few days and have nobody but him to rely on. I can't even cry about the situation in front of him, or else he will rage until I am so wiped out it takes me days to recover. It's hard to believe it's the same person I agreed to marry. Like you, I gave all that I knew he needed and to find out he had an EA even while we were engaged. It turned my word upside down.

[paperlung]

Yes, my ex-girlfriend did with a man twice her age she met off a porn site who lived on the other side of the world. Eventually, they started having cyber sex with each other... . then the real thing after he flew over here to be with her *shudders*

[healingmyheart]

MaybeSo,

":)uplicitous way he went behind by back to nurse off the romantic attention of other women"... . very well said,  the word "duplicitous" is perfect for describing exactly what they are doing to us.

He admitted that he knew if I found out, I would be upset (ya' think?) but obviously that didn't stop him.  He even admitted that I was starting to lose him... . of course he denies saying that now especially since he's trying to recycle me.  

What a nightmare this is... . I don't know I will ever fully recover from this.  

[MaybeSo]

You will recover from this, I promise. These relationships are very painful but they can provide the grist for the mill in healing both from the relationship itself and other core wounds that were there long before you met this person. But this takes time. Give yourself time, and go slowly.

[cal644]

Holly cow - i just read my story from the original post - That's why I filed - I couldn't figure out the raging over everything, the coldness, the needing to sleep in other room (so she could text) - it's funny how she also said she didn't cheat - but I'm in 100% agreeance - an emotional affair is almost worse than a one night mess up - once the affair started I became black, the dark knight - to this day she blames me for filing becuase she didn't cheat (I've thrown white flags) but one of my requirments is she cuts off contact 100% - and she considers that too outragious - where I consider 4,000 - 5,000 texts a month outragious... . Her loss - not mine -

[Blessed0329]

I was the other woman in an emotional affair with my ex. He loved triangulating (read definition) me and his wife, trying to pit us against each others as rivals. From my perspective, we were not rivals. She was clearly his wife, obviously number one, but he used me at times as a threat to her, and it seemed to work. He held me over her head, in effect, "If you don't do what I want, go on this vacation, have sex with me, etc., here is this other lady that I love more than you, who now loves me, too, and I will leave you for her." There was so much dysfunction and abuse in all of this, and she never knew that it was a completely empty threat, because I was not about to run off with him. In hindsight, I now understand why we could not remain friends. He tried, but wanted to keep it on the DL, while I let me husband know about it. My ex had so poisoned me with his wife that there was no possibility of trying to build more stable or normal bridges there.

[healingmyheart]

Blessed0329,

My ex BPD triangulated me with the very women who introduced us.  Low and behold, I found out 6 months after we got together that this married women and my ex had a physical affair for 4 months before we met.  He would text her in bed at midnight after i went to bed.  Once I found out about her and the ongoing emotional affair, I kicked him out.  

I also discovered he was carrying on via text with two other women... . one a previous girlfriend and the other was another married women.  

He just couldn't understand why I was so upset.  :)on't you love how they almost make you feel that you are overreacting?  I was appalled that he did it and then openly lied to me even with phone records thrown in his face.  

I loved this man.  I trusted this man like no other.  I miss this man... . yes, the man who lied and deceived me and verbally abused me.  How sad is that?  

[cal644]

It is funny how they can lie so easily and not think that it's a big deal - my stbex would constantly say - I've always been honest with you - never! even when caught with the truth she would lie.  She lied straight to my face - straight to my daughters T face - even when shown the phone records.  Again after I found out (2 days after) we were going for a bike ride - we drove by the school where she said she met the guy (latter found out that was a lie too - never from school) - well I started to get a little emotional and she chewed me out (remind you 2 days after I found out) - she yelled at me saying just drop it, I told you we were only friends, can't you just let it go - no resepect whatsoever for my emotions or feelings.

[afterdeath]

Same thing, engaged yet she had two emotional affairs that broke us up because I caught her and she still denied it.

I think what's so confusing here and really hurts is that they deny any wrong doing as if what they are doing they truly believed is not wrong. I believe it's wrong.

But it's almost like they don't understand the concept, if it's not physical they seem to believe they didn't cheat, my ex would still say she's neither a cheater nor liar and I believe she truly believes this.

It then becomes a battle of who's right and who's wrong. They do not worry because they are never wrong, we worry and let it bother us because we are self aware that hey maybe there is a problem with me.

Don't let it get to you, they are lacking clear defined morals and borders, it want your fault, they are simply filing their bucket with holes trying to see they are still desirable to others since they already had you.

Is sick and twisted, but please know your logic is justified, emotional affairs are just as bad if not worse than physical affairs.

Take it from me, she replaced me with her second emotional affair, a guy nine years older than her who is fat and ugly, not even my words.

[afterdeath]

Same thing, engaged yet she had two emotional affairs that broke us up because I caught her and she still denied it.

I think what's so confusing here and really hurts is that they deny any wrong doing as if what they are doing they truly believed is not wrong. I believe it's wrong.

But it's almost like they don't understand the concept, if it's not physical they seem to believe they didn't cheat, my ex would still say she's neither a cheater nor liar and I believe she truly believes this.

It then becomes a battle of who's right and who's wrong. They do not worry because they are never wrong, we worry and let it bother us because we are self aware that hey maybe there is a problem with me.

Don't let it get to you, they are lacking clear defined morals and borders, it want your fault, they are simply filing their bucket with holes trying to see they are still desirable to others since they already had you.

Is sick and twisted, but please know your logic is justified, emotional affairs are just as bad if not worse than physical affairs.

Take it from me, she replaced me with her second emotional affair, a guy nine years older than her who is fat and ugly, not even my words.

[lockedout]

Mine had at least one where there's hard evidence of it; one or two more that I suspect. I still have self-directed anger in hindsight for putting up with it.

I'm a firefighter; I do 24 hour shifts. She would have one guy over quite regularly; sometimes I knew about it, sometimes I didn't. I once (and only once) hung out with a married woman who would tell her husband on the phone that I was there, so I know that's a tactic when they're hiding something. When I did raise concerns, she'd say "he's older, so there's no way and he's been my friend since before I met you". He was classified as "our" friend. When I didn't know about it, I'd find evidence; two half-eaten pizzas, knowing she and our toddler son couldn't eat the equivalent of a full one. Another time I found half of a six-pack of a beer I don't even drink. I don't remember ever seeing him drink that and I don't think leaving it in my fridge is his style, she may have been scapegoating him while it could have been anyone.

Another time, I was on her computer and saw the auto filled menu where she'd made up screen names to keep track of what I was posting on line on another forum. She'd found one, not even on a BPD site in which I described the situation at home and people replied with serious concern for me. She raged at me for going on line and "slandering" her. But anyway, I was tracing through those and stumbled across an incognito e-mail address she'd made up. In there, I found a message from a guy that said "I was so afraid your roommate would come home and catch us. But don't work, because one you file for the divorce it won't matter what he thinks; after last night you're the one I want". She raged at me for invading her privacy. No apology for me finding it even if the guy was just some wingnut. But why would she need the fake e-mail address? I should have been done right then and there.

In between, she'd be going out several nights a week for "alone time", coming home like the bars are open until 2am on a Tuesday. When she was at home, she'd be buried in FaceBook. She unfriended me on FaceBook at some point but I got to hear from friends about all the pictures of her out partying. Her wedding ring had come off a long time ago.

My point of no return was right after I moved out. Against my better judgment (of course in hindsight), I stayed at the house with our son. She came home drunk and started a fight before I left. Later that week she changed the locks. I had our son right after that and when she was ambiguous about where she was going to get him from me, I went to the house. No answer at the door. I called her and she gave me the location. While I was strapping our son into his car seat, a guy drives by the house, up the driveway, opens the garage door with his opener and pulls in. I tried to get him to get out so I could fight with him but he was too much of a coward to get out or even roll the window down. She said he was the computer guy from work who was "doing her a favor" because she didn't feel safe around me; a married christian with 2 kids. Who does a woman the favor of going to her house to confront a potentially "violent" husband? Certainly not some mere acquaintance who is a "married christian with two kids". She never told me his name and I never got a bill for the damage I likely did to his car. Not a word was said.

[apple]

As I read through some of the posts around here, all I can think is that there are too many people that have no moral compass or values whatsoever making them in my book absolute trash.

Reading this triggers me a bit... . ughh

[Peterpan]

I have, or at least, have always thought that I was 'the emotional affair' for my udpwBPD as well as physical 'in the beginning'

Because of his very convincing charm and manipulation, after I found out he has also been seeing another woman 'right under my nose' adn I KNEW they were physical,,or at least indulged in very serious 'heavy petting'

I felt I was the emotional one simply because, I felt, so deeply enmeshed and connected to each other in that way, and also becasue there were problems ' on his part' in the real sex department.

When I confronted him about her his answers all in two sentences weretotally  conflicting... . answer 1 =   she is NOT  a conquest!... . answer 2 = she means nothign to me,never has, never will, you are the one I'm in love with!

I think he expected an "ahh that's okay then, as long as you love me and not her"

I actually watched him in the following days, brushing against her, those intimate looks at each other, the touching her hand,,all of it... . but still allowed me to convince myself I was cracking up and paranoid.

I still kept him in my life whilst he was 'back and forth' waitng just for crumbs,and when they came, most of them immediately made me think of her. He would blatantly get me mixed up with her,,and still does on the times he tries to reach out to me now!

Yes to the above, I too think that the emotional thing is worse, anyone in a r/s with a BPD thinks that they are very deeply emotionally involved becasue of the mirroring dynamics anyway... . so to think that they could feel that for another woman is absolutely devastating! In my case I heard them both in the next room to me, making out,all the oohs and ahhhs, all of it!

He denied it obviously, and said I was so paranoid that I imagined it.

That was nearly two years ago, and he is still denying it, even slipping up and mentioning the  make of HER car instead of his own, and asking if I had my hair cut as it looks shorter this time... . my hair has always been very short... . but she has recently had hers cut!

He was actually sitting in front of me, looking at me, but SEEING her!

[captain4464]

My story is even more depressing.  My exBPDw accused me of having an affair with one of my employees and insists that her version of events is true.  Unfortunately for her, or fortunately for me, people have contradicted her story.  But every time she recounts events, the stories get bigger and bigger to the point I could no longer take the abuse. Yes it was abuse because every day she would mention something relating to my 'affair' and how depressed she was because of it, how it ruined her life.  We are now divorced, but I have yet to recover from the emotional wounds that years of accusations, projecting and so forth have done.

[Peterpan]

Also to add though... .

Isn't it very possible that people with BPD like to get involved with people emotionally,simply because they need that... . MOTHER-SON... . FATHER-DAUGHTER feeling?

Pity stories right from the beginning make for a future of that yeah?

parents should be there for you no matter what right?... . doesn't matter what you do wrong... . mummy will always love me?... . daddy will always  forgive me?

They manipulate you just exactly the same as a three year old child does with  tantrums for his candy or new toys!

If you don't give a child what h/she wants, he will then go to daddy and try it on him? and whoever gives him what he wants without too much effort being put in,he will then keep going back to the sucker?

Children are not stupid, they know exactly which strings to pull with whichever parent, and exactly what they will get away with, even if it means pretending.  They know that if they say "I love you mummy"... . mummy will soften, back down and give in.

When it gets to where you have to think of, and look at them as a toddler, and act accordingly, and so as not to upset THEM, make them sulk, etc, there is nno denying that you are dealing with an emotional child?

All emotional blackmail... . so yes IMO... . very possible that it is a common thing with BPD.

I have very recently been comparing my ex pwBPD to my little granchild, he is nearly three, and I can see my ex in his behaviour tenfold.